Gay roommate: what to do?

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>I'm about to begin my freshman year in college. The school itself notified students of their roommate assignments just about a week ago. When I contacted him, he told me that he was gay. Admittedly, it was unexpected and didn't just whizz right past my head; I had to stop and think for a second because I'm religious, and when I considered the prospect of such a situation, I realized that it would result in a severe clash of opinions (on several grounds, by assumption).</p>

<p>However, I don't want to alienate him either, so I told him I was fine with rooming with him (even though I was pulling a double-take) and I did want to be his friend. I really do. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I also believe what I believe.</p>

<p>My parents are religious, as well, but also older, foreign, and clearly more stern in their assertion of their views. Since my parents are paying for the next year of my independent life, I couldn't withhold something like that. I told my dad first, and he's pretty adamant about switching roommates, which is probably going to be difficult to do because the dorm I'm staying in has a limited number of rooms, is very desirable, and totally full.</p>

<p>On the other hand, I did NOT tell my mom because a certain event in her life shaped her opinion regarding sexuality and she would...not take the situation well. At all. (And if you knew about the event, you would understand why, but it's a very personal situation.) My dad also understands he can't tell her...not yet, anyway. He plans to after I move in.</p>

<p>I move in very soon and I just don't know what to do. My mom will be driving me to move in (because my dad has work) and I don't know if she will ask questions. And if she does, I have a strong feeling she will begin by being very angry with me and my father for not telling her earlier, and will probably blow it out of proportion and make the beginning of college insanely stressful for me. I seriously don't want to be that guy that has the parents that are stuck to my back, affecting those around me as well. Even if I kept it from her, her finding out or telling her late in the game would be far worse than anything else. Once again, she would NOT handle it well.</p>

<p>I just really don't know what to do. I think I could room with him without an issue (other than some disagreement), and I kind of want to because I empathize with people and I want to be their friends. My parents, though, will create an overwhelming and tense atmosphere for me and my mom especially may take things out of hand.</p>

<p>I am absolutely stuck in neutrality and I have no idea what to do. Should I try and tell my mom before I move? Should I tell my roommate I may have to switch because of my parents but I'd like to still be his friend? Should I switch if and when I can to avoid stressing out myself, my roommate, and my parents? I'm honestly so lost and overwhelmed by the thought.</p>

<p>Disclaimer: Please understand that I have my own personal views. Calling me a bigot is not necessary (I've heard it) and telling me to forget about my parents' opinions is out of the question (because they are paying for my education with the little money they have and they deserve to know about the person I will be living with for the next year).</p>

2

<p>A big part of college is learning how to deal appropriately with these kinds of situations. I don’t believe that switching rooms (if, indeed, your school even allows this) is an appropriate response. </p>

<p>Also, as I just mentioned, it’s very likely that your school will not allow you to switch rooms. If they don’t, I suggest you treat your roommate like you would any other person- that is, with dignity and respect and by not focusing on their sexuality.</p>

<p>I’d also like to point out (as a Christian) that the Bible reminds us not to judge our fellow man- and that by attempting to switch rooms because of something as inconsequential as sexuality, you are, in fact, being a little judgmental.</p>

3

<p>I don’t understand why your parents have to know. If you are willing to be his friend, despite some differences, and you know your parents (especially mom) have a no-tolerance rule, you both could keep quiet about his sexuality. </p>

<p>I understand that your mom and dad are paying for your education. Yes, you can be grateful. But by telling them, you might be making a huge deal out of a small situation. Again, you’re being open-minded and willing to be his friend. I think you should’ve just kept the news on the down low.</p>

<p>He might actually feel even more alienated and hurt by the fact that a potential roommate and his parents needed to change roommates because of his sexuality. </p>

<p>If your parents MUST know, then I’d say do everyone a favor and request a new roommate. I can tell that once Pandora is out of the box, there will be nothing but trouble. I don’t think your roommate needs any more criticism or drama about his sexuality.</p>

<p>Edit: If you are willing to be empathic and room with your roommate despite his sexuality, I think you should be able to stand up to your mom if you 100% need to let her know. I’m not judging you for having your own opinions, but I am telling you that your mom is not being a good religious person by holding judgement on someone else even with her personal experiences. </p>

<p>Life is about living. Learning to forgive and to let go is the most important thing and it is essential for a human being to grow. As a grown woman, I really wish your mom could see that one bad experience of a homosexual does not equal bad experiences with every homosexual.</p>

4

<p>How funny is it that I was coming here to tell you to stop being a bigot xD</p>

5

<p>First off, don’t you dare tell your parents. He told you because you will be living with him. You don’t know how much out of the closet he is. For you to tell them without his consent knowing they’d take it poorly would be cruel.</p>

<p>Second, he told you so you’d know. He could be scared to death of how you take it. I know my roommate was freaking out when she told me she identifies as a lesbian. They want you to just allow them to live their life. He just wants you to not criticize him when he talks to a guy. And not to out him if he doesn’t wish to let someone know he’s gay.</p>

<p>If you really can’t live with a gay person…Well, first off you’re ignorant. And second, try to move but make sure you tell him the exact reason. Don’t sugar coat it all to whatever. Just outright tell him. Then he knows to stay away from you completely.</p>

6

<p>Why did you tell your parents anyways if you knew they’d make a big deal out of it?</p>

<p>I would’t care if my roommate was gay. Or even transgendered. If you can’t handle living with him then don’t. He doesn’t deserve to have such an ignorant roommate like you.</p>

7

<p>I don’t understand why you had to tell your parents. Yes, I understand they are paying for your education but how is that situation in any way their business. If your parents get involved, it’s your fault because you told them when you really didn’t need to. Also, on top of that, your putting your roommate’s business out there. This is turning into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Who cares if your roommate is gay!</p>

8

<p>I honestly think that you’re just gonna have to deal with it… I mean, if the dorm you’ll be staying at is that much desirable and already full, then there’s likely zero chance of your being able to change a roommate. Like others said, I think this is one of the things that you’ll have to deal with in college; diversity is what colleges emphasize anyways. Or you could just stay home and commute, if you live nearby your school. If not, too bad.</p>

9

<p>Yeah…I don’t understand why you had to tell your father either. Your parents are paying for your college education so that entitles them to approve of who your roommate dates? I mean, if the roommate had a penchant for convicts or druglords I could see it…but an orientation towards the same sex. Um, nope.</p>

10

<p>Yeah, I’d say you screwed up by telling your father. It’s not his business. My parents were paying 100% for my college tuition, I didn’t tell them that my roommate had her boyfriend sleep over all the time. It just wasn’t their information to know (and it wasn’t my right to tell) and you KNEW your dad would react negatively.</p>

<p>I don’t think you should tell your mom. Could you imagine if, on move-in day, she started grilling him about it, or bitterly complaining? That’s totally, completely unfair to your roommate and could mortify him and severely dent his college experience. If she ever finds out, she can deal with it on the phone with you, not in front of your roommate. </p>

<p>There’s no need to comment on his situation. One of my best friends is a lesbian and, just as I don’t tell her “I think it’s so great that you’re gay!!” you don’t need to tell him how you feel about him. If for whatever reason he approaches you about it, you can say that you are religious but understand that it’s his life and not your place to judge.</p>

11

<p>If your roommate immediately told you he’s gay, he was likely terrified about how you’ll perceive it. Frankly I feel bad for your roommate but since I’m not allowed to call you a bigot (see what I did there?), here’s some advice.</p>

<p>Housing almost certainly has a rule about not switching roommates for the first month unless there’s a medical emergency. Find this rule and show it to your dad. Tell him you’ll try to switch out as soon as possible but don’t actually do so. Don’t bring it up with your mom unless she finds out, and by that time you should be able to figure out what to do. Also remember the whole let he who is without sin (not that his sexual orientation is a sin) cast the first stone thing. That certainly applies in this situation. </p>

<p>If the situation does come to a boil later in the semester, talk to your RA about it. At many schools, there’s some sort of training regarding what to do if the parents want to intervene on something that should be a non issue. Your RA will likely have better advice for the situation than most people here. </p>

<p>Another bit of advice, you’re an adult or close to it. You need to realize there are some things you should tell your parents and other things you should not. This is one of those things that you should never have discussed with them.</p>

12

<p>Think about your current roommate. Like you, he’s an incredibly nervous freshman about to move in. His life has already been complicated by his sexuality-he’s been isolated, tormented, and labeled. This is his chance to escape all that. </p>

<p>You say you oppose his homosexuality on religious grounds, and that’s okay. But your job is to realize that a person is more than their sexuality. </p>

<p>I honestly don’t know why you needed to tell your parents. In reality, it’s a small situation that is going to affect your life minimally. Room with him. If your parents insist you change rooms, it’s clearly not for religious reasons-the bible says “don’t judge lest you be judged”. </p>

<p>If you reject him, he’s going to feel more alienated because he’ll know it’s because of his sexuality. Tell your parents that you’re learning to be more accepting.</p>

13

<p>As a gay guy sharing a dorm with a straight guy this coming year, I can tell you that he’s probably beat himself up about this situation for months. He took a huge leap of faith telling you because he probably knows that there are people who view him very differently once finding out about his sexuality.</p>

<p>It comes down to his living habits and your living habits. In my case, I’m not the type to bring random people back to my room and I’m extremely conscious about making my roommate feel as comfortable as possible. If you are planning on having girls over (and not just for visiting…) you can’t expect him not to bring guys back. It’s a mutual respect that you need to have for each other. Politics and religion are probably best kept to yourself and your friends. Don’t bring up his orientation, he’s probably heard everything under the sun about how wrong it is or whatever. </p>

<p>Just keep to yourselves. You can be friends by discovering other common interests/hanging out. This is one aspect of who he is and it does not define him.</p>

<p>(If this is actually a girl OP, omit the “he” for “she”, didn’t have an opportunity to look at genders!)</p>

14

<p>The majority of parents know little to nothing about their students’ roommates. There was no reason to tell them, but now that you did, it’s best that you don’t provide them with any more details.</p>

<p>Your parents really have no valid objection as to why you can’t live with a gay person and I’m willing to guess that a lot of colleges would downright refuse a room change request initiated by you as it might violate their nondiscrimination policy in the same way that refusing to room with someone of a certain race would not be tolerated.</p>

<p>Also, I suggest that both of your parents get a reality check of sorts in regards to the LGBT community, especially if your mother had a negative experience with a tiny, tiny segment of the LGBT population. There are professional counselors who deal with this sort of trauma. The LGBT community is extremely diverse and your roommate will likely not conform to a lot of your preconceptions about gay people. There is a significant chance that they will be more “straight-acting” than you.</p>

<p>As much as I dislike having to suggest it, you could ask your roommate to be sort of “closeted” during the 30 minutes your mother is helping you move in. Later on when your father and/or mother asks you about your roommate’s sexual orientation, you can mention that they said they were gay as a test to see if their roommate was bigoted or not, but are not actually gay (some students have done this). Your roommate can be as gay as he/she wants to be (though some actions are subject to a roommate agreement for which you must also abide), but that’s none of your parents’ business.</p>

15

<p>“On the other hand, I did NOT tell my mom because a certain event in her life shaped her opinion regarding sexuality and she would…not take the situation well. At all. (And if you knew about the event, you would understand why, but it’s a very personal situation.) My dad also understands he can’t tell her…not yet, anyway. He plans to after I move in.”</p>

<p>I’m going to take a guess at what this situation was: an anecdote in which a homosexual person did something bad. If so, I for sure understand how someone can have all kinds of insane outlooks about tens of millions of people over that. Even you don’t seem to entirely agree with this behavior that you are rationalizing, so I think we can hardly be persuaded to empathy with the allure of a secret story. </p>

<p>“Please understand that I have my own personal views. Calling me a bigot is not necessary (I’ve heard it)…”</p>

<p>You have your own personal views. It’s progress that you feel bad about them and don’t air them out the way people did in the past, but now that you made them public to us, I will comment: thinking there is something morally wrong with the pursuit of consensual happiness, based on nothing but what amounts to what you interpret from an unsubstantiated canon of scatter shot hocus pocus, is not only ridiculous but also has lead to more misery in the world than we can even wrap our heads around. You and your family are entitled to your opinions, you are entitled to be wrong, and it seems like you are even entitled to contributed to a mindset that leads people to hate their lives enough to end them pretty regularly. But you are not entitled to the rest of the world pretending that it’s not bigoted. </p>

<p>I think you should have a gay roommate. You don’t seem malicious and I think you’d be a more positive contributor to society for having had one. Good luck.</p>

16

<p>To be honest, I think it’d be good for both you and your parents for you to have a roommate who identified as homosexual.</p>

<p>As for advice, I would say don’t bring it up again. If your father does, tell him that you are not able to change rooms because the dorm is full. If your mother finds out, she finds out. Tell her that you didn’t mention it because your roommate’s sexuality is not yours or your parents’ business. Deal with it like a mature adult. Treat your roommate like the human being that he is. Don’t act like a bigot, and people won’t call you one.</p>

17

<p>This thread violates the TOS, and I’ve seen many other threads get closed for similar things. If it is that bad, just tell the college</p>

18

<p>@Apollo11</p>

<p>Hey, I haven’t read the TOS…out of curiosity, what element is it that would be a problem?</p>

19

<p>Thank you for the replies. Got all I needed. I’m fine if the thread is closed. Apologies for violating the TOS in whatever way. I’m off.</p>

20

<p>He’s a person, just like anyone else. He just happens to have a different sexual orientation. You seem to be open minded about the situation, and your main concerns seem to stem from your parents religious feelings towards homosexuality. Remind them that he was a person, and remind them that some of the greatest people in history have happened to be homosexuals. Hell, Alan Turing was a gay atheist, and without him, we would not be conversing on a computer right now. </p>

<p>I tend to not have a lot of patience for the religious attitudes towards homosexuality, because they are unwarranted. Explain to your parents that rooming with someone who is a homosexual does not bother you. Remind them that homosexual is NOT synonymous with “crazed sex lunatic that wants to screw everything in sight.” I rather doubt that you’ll be getting raped or anything.</p>

<p>Honestly though, I don’t see why you even had to tell them to begin with. Who cares if they’re paying for your schooling? Why does the fact that your roommate is gay have to define who he is? Why can’t you just say “he seems like a nice guy, it sounds like we’ll get along fine?” He isn’t just “a homosexual.” He is a person with the same range of emotions and values that any other person has.</p>