hi all. I’m going to a more conservative college in the fall and I’m super nervous. My roommate is straight and I’m torn over whether to tell her I’m a lesbian or not. I’m a really bad liar so I’m scared she’ll find out eventually. I don’t want to lie to her but I’m also scared she’ll be grossed out. In the past when I’ve told straight girls I’m gay they assume I’m attracted to them (I’m not!!) and I don’t want her to react this way. What should I do?
Personally, nothing. Be a good roommate. Be a friend. Going to college is about learning about the world and similarities and differences. There are usually organizations on campus and housing might have suggestions. I just don’t see this as crucial. Be who you are. Don’t be nervous about who you are.
If you are asked, go with your instincts. I don’t mean keep quiet out of shame in any manner. Be yourself.
I just think it’s not anyone’s business to know anyone’s private matters unless you want to discuss it. So don’t feel compelled to share to make sure she’s ok with it. It’s not Bubonic Plague. It’s you and completely ok in every way.
Also, it’s so not a big deal anymore from what I can tell at my dd school. And it’s a Catholic University. It’s zero impact on how they all get along. I may be wrong but it seems the current generation doesn’t seem to care one way or another - in a good and accepting way.
Totally agree with @privatebanker
Living together in a very small space makes private matters your roommate’s business. Let her know so that if it’s not ok with her, you can both make a change and avoid a problem. Just as you have a right to be who you are, she has the right not to want to live with a gay person. Being open and honest now takes it off the table and out of your many worries with going away to college. Good luck!
As do I
For example, if you are a vegetarian, you don’t have to tell your roommate you are a vegetarian unless certain situation calls for you to make it known, i.e., if your roommate cooked a meal for you and it contains meat. Similarly, if your roommate keeps asking you to go out on a double date with some boys, then I guess you should let her know nicely. You know what I mean? You have to use your judgment.
Agree with @websensation
I totally disagree with this statement. Would you say the same thing if the OP were a racial minority and the prospective roommate was white?
Joblue but it isn’t about skin color. It’s about sexuality. People have various opinions about this lifestyle. This means living in a very small space. Wouldn’t it be better to avoid a problem? If someone didn’t want to live with me because my skin is orange, I’d rather find out now and move on. We aren’t talking about employment or admissions to a private club. This is about sharing a small, living space. It’s best to be open. It will also alleviate any worries the OP has to find out the roommate doesn’t care. How nice would it be to start the year knowing that worry is over? The roommate is going to find out sooner or later. Better to make it sooner. If there is a problem, the OP can’t expect to change the roommate’s comfort level or shove it down his/her throat. You have to accept in life that somebody might not want to live with you for any reason. Nobody HAS to live with someone. I
https://m.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-naked-roommate-6e-harlan-cohen/1120667043?ean=9781492613329
I got this book for my kids when they started college. Fun read but serious topics. Like if roommate is a drug abuser, partier, has different sexual orientation then you, is someone with having their friends over all the time, etc etc. Teaches how to handle the situations. I don’t think it says pack up and run for the hills… Lol…
Sorry can’t edit even though it’s under 15 minutes but look at chapter 3 #18. It takes this on and other types of roommates head on. So it must be more common then we think. I actually had this conversation with my son and it just didn’t matter to him.
It’s true that no one HAS to live with anyone else. But, I’m not a big believer in assuming there is a problem where there may not be one. Someone’s sexuality doesn’t necessarily define who they are. Who they date, have crushes on, or fantasize about are way less impactful on a roommate than whether they smoke, snore, drink to excess, are neat, kind, courteous or are night owls or early birds. Let them get to know each other. The roommate will figure things out.
While the vegetarian analogy seems a little peculiar, the issue is, its your choice to share what and when you care to disclose. It might be better to get to know each other and develop a roommate relationship first before touching on more personal things.
One of my D’s roommates is gay. I think she felt out the other roommates before disclosing (at a time that felt right to her). They are all besties at this point and living together next year.
Hopefully it’ll be a non issue OP and you’ll have a great roommate.
I think someone who would refuse to have a gay roommate should seek a college that would honor housing requests like that or just choose to live off campus. I’m not sure if requests for a new non lesbian roommate to share a room even before the school year starts would be honored by all universities.
I find Empireapple’s post #9 to be very disturbing. Why would being homosexual involve shoving something down someone else’s throat when being heterosexual does not.
@Joblue Actually, if a non Asian-American person told me he felt uncomfortable sharing a room with me because I was Asian, I would be more than glad to tell the person “Feel free to leave at any time.” I actually would not take such statement as even racist because I understand some Asian foods I am going to eat in the room may give off some smell. When I first immigrated, I could not stand drinking milk long time ago because I thought it tasted really bad. My approach is that if a roommate can feel uncomfortable for any reason, in which case they should not room together. Even if the other person was racist, I would in some sense be grateful that the person told me before further problems develop. That’s just my personal view which not many people may share.
I think that the discussion might be able to start out from one about having an SO or even a hook-up staying over in the room. My son’s roommate asked him how he would feel if the roommate brought a date home to stay overnight and my son said it would bother him. Then, the roommate said he was gay and my son said he had no problem with his sexuality, but sleepovers still bothered him, whether the date was male or female. The fact that his roomie was gay was irrelevant, my son just didn’t want sex partners of any gender sleeping over. He also agreed not to bring any partners to the room. They worked it out and roomed together for two years. For the upcoming year, they are sharing a two bedroom suite with a common bathroom, but each young man will have his own bedroom. One difference is that my son attends a more liberal type of school, which is known for being artsy, so gender and sexuality are fairly open. My son says that, as a white cis male, he often feels in the minority!
For the OP, good luck to you in college. I hope that this issue turns out to be a non-issue.
There are lots of colleges where male students are in the minority (before even considering any other demographic attribute).