<p>It was a pretty bad freshman year for d-roommate in dorm partied all the time and insisted on a magnet in her door so if she forgot to wear her key around her neck she and anyone else could get in...d rarely slept...said people would drink morning till night and just couldnt connect...housing next year thanks to trusting false promises looks like a small triple...I dont think she can handle it...today she says she may want to take time off maybe a semester abroad and maybe she can find herself cuz she doesnt want to spend another year crying in a box...I feel so sad for her...it is too late to apply for study abroad thru school but maybe independantly,,,any thoughts?</p>
<p>OP, I am wondering if your d would be better served, not by a trip abroad, but by a review of her options for action when roommate relations go bad. No student should have to tolerate a roommate so disrespectful of her needs–and her safety–as your d’s freshman roommate. That is now water under the bridge, however, and next year’s roommates may turn out to be wonderful, triple or not. Your d should approach the situation optimistically, prepared to set, nicely but firmly, her own ground rules from Day 1, and prepared to act if her needs for sleep, study, safety, and privacy are not respected.</p>
<p>So sorry to hear about your d’s experience in the dorm. I agree with Urban, in that your d should feel comfortable enough to set groundrules (at least for herself), but allow the roommate to do the same. A majority of the kids in college ARE there to learn, and it sounds like your d just got an unfortunate choice of 'mate. Tell her to keep her chin up and give next semester a chance.</p>
<p>I have no particular program to recommend, but I would think that the OP’s D could apply for study abroad or visiting student at a US college if done soon.</p>
<p>Sorry about the bad year.</p>
<p>Is on-campus required where she attends? Any chance to move off campus? At least, it that is possible, she can probably control her surroundings, have a single, etc.</p>
<p>Have her see a therapist for the issues she had last year. Then have the therapist write a note to the school that a single room is required for her mental health.</p>
<p>And no, I’m not kidding.</p>
<p>Maybe a break would be beneficial to your daughter. </p>
<p>It might be good for her to work with a therapist to help her develop coping and social skills, so that she can learn to stand up for herself in situations that make her uncomfortable.</p>
<p>Is it possible for her to consider transferring to a school that would be more of a good fit for her, if it is true that the whole campus parties all the time at the school she attended this year?</p>
<p>If she is a sophomore I presume she’s living with friends and not the luck of the draw. Why does she think sophomore year will be a repeat of freshman year? Dorms ARE noisy in general with door banging and people coming and going talking and shouting and for some kids that have had quiet bedrooms all alone and away from house noise growing up it IS an adjustment. If this is a deeper issue perhaps a year off or counseling might help her personally and/or in her housing situation when she returns.</p>
<p>Thank you Urban for taking the time to answer.We all know the feeling of powerlessness when our children are not happy …
She did not get apartment housing and at the moment is stuck in the small triple she could live off campus butthat brings its own set of challenges.Chedva we have also thought of that but she is concerned that she would be labeled as it would be under disability…
Yes therapy to sort it out is a good idea no doubt…and every college is not for everyone…</p>
<p>Chedva is right. And don’t worry about the label. Many of those kid in colleges will have all kinds of labels and getting special consideration for housing label does wash out nicely after college years. Believe me, not a big deal. </p>
<p>You are absolutely not alone in having a child with a rough time with these things at college. Please believe me. It’s is not easy.</p>
<p>Thank you cpt…funny she did many of the things she should have to “fit in” in ie clubs an intership etc…but for whatever reason she just didnt click and that just created so much anxiety and saddness…just a few more weeks and she will be done and can reflect and re evaluate…and maybe learn to be more accepting of some while being more discerning of others…and yes finding a voice to her peers and seeking help when she is lost…what a year…</p>
<p>dreamer - is she not living with people she knows next year? If not, how did that happen?</p>
<p>
When I was a student, one year I had a roommate who used smoke (both cigs and pot) in the room and party a lot with his friends. We didn’t get along well. At the end of the fall quarter, I went to the housing office for the dorm and asked if I could switch rooms. They gave me a list of the 3 people in my dorm who had spare space, so I met with each of them and decided on one of the 3 as a different roommate for my next quarter. We got along better than any other roommates I have had during my time at the school. Your school may or may not have similar policies. You may want to check and find out under what conditions you can switch roommates (if similar events happen in the future).</p>
<p>Dreamer, did your daughter try to switch rooms last year? It sounds like her living situation made her very unhappy; if she was willing to be treated that way by her roommate without at least trying to change the situation then I suspect a year in a small triple (especially if she’s with random roommates rather than those of her choosing) could be a disaster. Time off to regroup, and maybe get some counseling and consider schools that would be a better fit, might be a good idea. I’m not sure that study abroad gets her much - would she be back in the triple as soon as she returned?</p>
<p>So sorry for your D being sad. Sounds like a very difficult environment. Our kids don’t fully realize that being sleep-deprived can feel like depression – or make you more vulerable to down feelings. </p>
<p>My own D was ok freshman year with her roommate, then this year when she was rooming with a friend of her choice, it all unraveled. Not sure if a boy was involved, but they had one knock down drag out fight where D called me at midnight, saying she had to go to a hotel. I could tell she was almost hysterical but trying to hold it together. Fortunately, I have my Visa number tattooed to the inside of my wrist, so I gave it to her and she checked in.</p>
<p>When she calmed down, I told her to contact the RA. She did, and they drew up a roommate agreement (about how late they could stay up or when they could have friends over). Something they probably should have discussed earlier on. RM wouldn’t sign it. D approached RA again, and to her surprise, the school found RM another room and RM moved out. D had been having some pretty severe anxiety/depression issues, so I guess they felt that was the right move. I feel bad for the RM, and I hope she and D can get on friendly terms again. These things are very distressing – for you and her. I hope she can become more familiar with the resources available to her and assert her rights sooner. No one should have to live with that kind of situation.</p>
<p>Your D needs to not allow a roomie to steamroll over her. She needs to try to be more forceful with the roomies and if that fails, enlist the aid of the RA. I’m sure defeating the door lock is not permitted and I’m sure underage drinking isn’t permitted either so both of those issues aren’t up for debate by the roomie - they’re flat against the rules and that should end the discussion. If the roomie doesn’t like it then it’s ‘her’ problem and the roomie can move out is she wants.</p>
<p>It’s important for the students to learn to stand up for themselves in situations like this, in the courses they’re taking, and in life in general. They’re now past the point in time where the parents can take care of all the issues for them. If a student fails to stand up for themselves for whatever reasons then they get taken advantage of by people like the awful roomie she had.</p>
<p>I don’t know why she’d discount the triple so quickly. Thousands of students at hundreds of colleges manage to do okay in triples. Some even like it. Don’t forget that it doubles their chances of having a roomie they get along with and like. </p>
<p>She certainly shouldn’t let a situation like a bad roomie that she for some reason didn’t handle appropriately cause her to leave college. If she decides to leave college over something like this and the triple then I think there are other issues at play your D needs to address.</p>
<p>Note - I agree that your D shouldn’t have to have to deal with things like this but it happens so she needs to learn how best to deal with these situations and ignoring it or burying one’s head in the sand won’t resolve issues like this and actually usually make it worse (once the roomie figures out they can do whatever they want).</p>
<p>Actually I don’t “get the lock” thing anyway. Sounds the OPs D was generally in the room at night and could have let the roommate in if the roommate didn’t have a key.</p>
<p>She was asked by a group of 5 to get an on campus apt- (people who already were not a great fit but at least “she knew them”) one dropped out and the group could not get a place (you needed 6)but agreed to find a house off campus-two days later, a twitter post tells her that a few of them found an apt -for themselves not D…the only thing available is the small triple with new roommates-maybe people she will like(fingers crossed)
You are right momof -the magnet thing is ridiculous - she should have never allowed it but got tired of people knocking on the door all night-to use roommates water maker etc-she absolutely did not assert herself in order to avoid confrontation at all costsbut this only led to total unhappiness…and depression…
yes, this is bad but it is almost over- I realize that they do need to figure it out for themselves- all I can do is listen-she should have gone to the RA long ago although this particular RA seems to turn a blind eye to a whole host of poor behaviors…to Ds credit, she will finish the year and hopefully take time in the summer to really think about what she wants to do and how to better handle situations- counseling maybe…just hard when in a school of thousands, she didn’t connect to any really…</p>
<p>She should keep her eyes open for postings (campus website, facebook, Craigslist) of others looking for roommates for next year, both on and off campus. It’s likely that there are other groups who have “lost” a roommate or two - or will in the coming months. Hopefully she will find a small group of nice young women to live with. Over the summer, help her learn to be more assertive and improve her self-esteem.</p>
<p>My D had “issues” with everyone she roomed with, including a roommate who labels her salt and pepper and doesn’t let the other girls use them. However, when I asked her if she wanted to move, she always said no, she would rather just put up with the annoyances. I think she would just call me to vent. In the end (she is graduating in a few weeks) she’s still friends with her roommates (although she is very ready to get away from dorm/college apartment life). My husband does plenty of things to annoy me even before my first cup of coffee in the morning. My point is, all living arrangements require compromise and tolerance. That being said, dorm life isn’t for everyone- I hated it. But it’s an opportunity to learn how to live with other people. If a roomate is truly obnoxious, the others have to learn to deal with him/her- changing rommates if necessary.
But I do sympathize- I can’t imagine living that way again!</p>