Girlfriend Changes Son's Life

<p>AnnuduhMom,
Wow, I really understand how you feel. My son had the first head-over-heals-love experience in 11th grade. It was not a good situation or a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, it completely interfered with his college applications and selection process. Thankfully, son eventually freed himself of this destructive entanglement, but the time damage was done. We could all see it happening too, but I just don't know how to make a kid focus on themselves. They just don't understand that somebody who loves them would encourage them and bring out the very best in them. They are just blinded by "love". Live and learn, I guess. Luckily, everything (almost) worked out okay for my son. I hope it works out for your son, too.</p>

<p>"You would not be the first mother to have trouble with the fact that her son has a new woman in his life."</p>

<p>Barrons, I'm not sure if this was a lighthearted quip or not. But I don't think this is a case of the smothering mom being jealous of son's new girlfriend. Would the comment be the same if the roles were reversed- ie, if daughter was losing herself, distracted in school, devoting her life to boyfriend, and giving up on personal pursuits?</p>

<p>Anuddah...Been there, done that. GF and NS/NC.</p>

<p>When we arrived, the housemistress made a house call. After a lengthy chat, she said to my older son: "You are going to make the wrong friends first. Be patient. Don't settle on your first friends."</p>

<p>Well, he made the wrong friends first...and kept them. Now, at 21, he has nothing in common with any of them. I asked her how she knew he would do that--she said that new transfers always fall in with the wrong crowd because it's the socially marginal who gravitate to the new transfers. It takes time for the central group to discover the value of the new student.</p>

<p>As for the girlfriend--as my younger son says to me CONSTANTLY "It's not your life!". </p>

<p>True, but I keep talking. ;) I keep talking becuase these kids are nearer to picking life mates than we realize. I keep talking about what makes a good life mate. I keep talking about how hard it is to stay married for 24 years (help me Jesus!). I try to keep everything in the positive but I pipe up if I see destructive behavior. I don't think my boys can afford to settle into destructive relationship behaviors.</p>

<p>On the good news front. I had a bf at 15. In my mind, it wasn't a serious relationship. Every day he hitch-hiked in to see me. It took him an hour each way. Soemtimes I left him standing out there on the lawn. I couldn't be bothered. He was so needy. Needy men need a mama, not a gf. Your son, without realizing it, may be making a pest of himself and thereby dissolving the relationship.</p>

<p>In my case, I don't make friends with the girlfriends--even though they might be here 10 hours a day. :eek: They are not my daughter-in-laws and I don't want to make the relationship to our family a factor in the bloody break-ups. My kids don't need more friends. They need parents.</p>

<p>In any event, if he were my son, I would be honing in, gently, on his needy behavior because needy, clingy behavior will repel the most capable girls.</p>

<p>Good luck annudah.</p>

<p>What can I say, Annudah? With 5 boys myself and lots of friends with boys, you just pray that they get decent a girlfriend, and even more importantly, a good wife. Because many a man is ruined or made by the love of his life. And that love is not "mom" though you will be so accused.</p>

<p>There really is not much you can say or do in this situation. As Cheers says, you continue talking if you see destructive behaviour, but you keep from being destructive yourself. For instance, telling him that "he is a joke" or "the relationship is a joke" are hurtful comments that are not going to do any good, but builds resentment towards you. You hope that the relationship settles into the routine so that your son gradually resumes other interests. When you first fall in love or lust, all things are so often set aside, but as time goes by you start picking up your other interests. The problem is often that his time and your time are not on the same chart. Just remember he is likely to live longer than you (especially when you have to suffer through his crap as well as your own) and has more time. I have seen nothing but losing battles when moms or dads try to intervene in this sort of thing. Just keep an eye on things, and if they go badly, he may truly need some help. A devastated young man hit with the fall out of a broken heart relationship is not pretty. </p>

<p>Just wait till they start dating gals out of school. They make the worst school vamp look like Shirley Temple.</p>

<p>Ha Cheers, I meant by friends we had a comfortable, affable relationship and I was a sort of mentor to her. I still go by and see her at her workplace occasionally.
Anyway, Mrs. Montagu one thing you might want to talk about with son is in the event of a breakup (and he shouldn't be unwilling to consider the possibility) that being the new kid in town, he's going to be the one shut out. So giving up on his own pursuits and friendships is not a good idea. Thank God for sports when my son had his break up! His teammates did not abandon him. Many of the other kids in his "group" however, sympathized with her heartache and he became sort of a cad. If you make him aware of that, he may not react immediately but you can be sure he'll be thinking about it.</p>

<p>If it were a daughter, Dad might be the more concerned parent. It's a story as old as human nature. I worry more about 17 year olds who are not distracted by young love.</p>

<p>I'm in a similar situation, except I'm the mom of a daughter. BF is a bit controlling and taking advantage of her financially. He doesn't drive, so she is constantly dropping everything to drive 45 minutes to his house because he is upset about something. We allowed her to have a credit card, and now she is constantly paying for everything when they go out. He has zero ambition and is constantly cutting school. So far her grades have stayed the same, but she has stopped seeing all other friends. We try to get her to study for the ACT and research colleges, but her interest in attending college is rapidly declining.</p>

<p>I'm trying to convince her to keep all options open at this point, and that means decent grades and ACT scores. We've limited how much time she can spend with him on weekdays. Other than that, I'm not sure we can do much except hope for the best and be there to pick up the pieces when they break up.</p>

<p>Is she paying off that card each month? If not, YOU are paying for BF and her activites. I would stay as nice as can be, but there may just be budget cuts at my home that would cut out those cost without a vindictive inflection. Though I wouldn't storm in as "the Terminator', taking an enabler's role is not tolerable to me.</p>

<p>She does not pay off the card. So, yes, I am paying for their activities and meals. Dad is starting to talk to her about this. It has been an issue with other friends in the past. They don't have money, so she feels sorry for them and uses her credit card to cover the total bill. Sometimes the BF pays her back in cash, but I never see it. Plus there is all of the gas I am paying for since BF doesn't drive and she has to drive him everywhere.</p>

<p>Wouldn't put it on the boyfriend. Looks like this is a whole different issue. I think maybe your whole household needs to economize an the credit card and gas will have to fall in line too. Without the funding, the boyfriend may not be as available. You have made your daughter into a cash cow and he is milking her.</p>

<p>Hi, I kinda skimmed the other posts so I may be redundant--but here goes.</p>

<p>Agree that your son may have "latched" on to this girl due to nervousness and insecurity about his new country, school, etc. It is so much easier for all of us to deal with major change if we have someone consistent in our everyday life.</p>

<p>On the other hand, I've seen in my own kids and others' the same thing when there has been no major life changes. I do think it's part of growing up, learning to set priorities and seeing that there are consequences.</p>

<p>My D. dated a controlling, obsessive young boy/man for over three years. She gave up friends, activities and basically her life for this guy. We tried to point it out (gently, as in "have you noticed this change in your behavior?"). We were so concerned that she would refuse to leave for college (he didn't go on to school). She did go to school and after 1st year, broke it off. After the fact, she admitted that she didn't like who she had become but didn't know how to get out gracefully. She is stronger for having had this experience and knows more specifically what she wants in a relationship.</p>

<p>Disclaimer--I am in no way saying that your son's GF is like this past BF of daughter's---only that they sometimes have to figure things out on their own.</p>

<p>2nd son had a 2 year relationship when he entered college (she was younger). It was unhealthy for both and made his adjustment to college very rocky--never really recovered that lost 1st semester socially. He looks back on it now and sees how it damaged him at the time--but while he was going through it, was totally blind.</p>

<p>This girl may be a life preserver for your son now. Just keep encouraging him not to give up anything he truly wants to do "for" her--she wouldn't want that as he wouldn't want to hold her back from her goals.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

<p>Advmom, gosh your Ds relationship sounds like the one my daughter had. She also got taken advantage of financially. She worked, so she was one paying, but she was constantly paying for gas, using her car, buying the meals, loaning money to him that was never paid back. We didn't know about alot of this at the time as it was her money--but after break-up she confided that he milked her of a large percentage of her paychecks.</p>

<p>I am ashamed to say that one our boys was milking a young lady for a while. I remember being so upset about the situation and telling friends of ours, how this girl was "at his service" the minute he called, for a ride anywhere (she had the car, S did not), with credit card and cash to pay for anything (he had little money,no card), and would do just about anything in the world for him. I was terribly ashamed that a son of mine would take such advantage of anyone like that. The husband to whom I was spilling my soul said to me, "Been looking all of my life for a girl like that. If he drops her, give her my number."</p>

<p>Cpt., he has a point. The girls need to learn to be able to say "no" in more ways than one ;).</p>

<p>My theory as to why colleges care so much about a student's junior year grades/ECs: they want to see how said student manages the First Romance! :)</p>

<p>Better high school junior year than college freshman year!
True story- guy from high school, kind of shy, under the radar, never played sports, no ECs, never dated, not a lot of friends...goes to university. First girl that gives him the time of day and they're moved in together. Lackluster grades, no outside friends or activities. Watches TV and has sex during spare time. What a parent's nightmare. And nothing they can do about it. He doesn't care if they cut him off, he'll "just go out and get a job and live in the apt while she goes to school." How disappointing.</p>

<p>Havn't read all the posts in this thread but as quickly as possible D had her own credit card. She has a card on my AmEx account that is clearly labeled "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY ONLY: BREAK GLASS." Imnsvho, parents should not be funding a child's credit card habit. If the child can't pay cash, then they don't purchase.</p>

<p>Fwiw, Anudduh, CGM may have been harsh but at core is correct: a good girlfriend wants the best for the guy, including not giving up all the other things that were important to him in the way of EC's. </p>

<p>I don't know what I'd do in a similar situation because often the answer is that there's nothing you can do until, like forest fire, the romance burns itself out and you have to tend the injured and repair damage while dropping in tips about fire prevention.</p>

<p>HAha! Loving the theory, CountingDown! :)</p>

<p>I dated a guy from the middle of 8th grade through 9th grade. Early I know, but better freshman year than junior year. x_X. It definitely does suck time away from your ECs, not so much from your grades though, since it establishes a subconscious competition, per say.</p>

<p>But I don't think you should worry, because your son will probably come to his senses sooner or later. High school relationships have a low rate of lasting into marriage.</p>

<p>It's been amusing reading the posts on here...</p>

<p>My parents were highschool sweethearts; they met in 9th grade and started dating in 10th, weathered attending college in different states, and have now been married for over 20 years. </p>

<p>I think this has definitely affected how they view things. The most important things in life are not your ECs, or your SATs, or even where you go to college and what you do there...they are the relationships you make with other people. I agree that he should not become a different person or seriously compromise his chances at aid, and that they probably will not end up married. At the same time, there is definitely a bright side to all of this. Learning about love and relationships is just as important as learning about calculus...</p>

<p>Groove, when a relationship substantially sabotages the potential of someone, that's destructive, not the prequel of a happily ever after tale.</p>