Advice to a desperate mom

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hello all:
I've been reading this site for a while now, but this is my first post. I need to hear from some other parents on this. My daughter is a hs junior, was always an advanced/honors student, good kid, etc. In terms of her college prospects, the ivy league would have been a reach, but not out of the realm of possiblilty, if you know what I mean. Frankly, that wasn't her "end all, be all" anyway, she was only interested in Columbia (of ivy league schools), and that was as much about wanting to be in NYC as anything. So, most of the schools in her sights were definitely within her reach ( NYU, Georgetown, UVA, W&M).</p>

<p>And now to our dilemma. Towards the end of sophmore year, she started to change. We attributed it to a normally high strung girl becoming a high strung teenager. By the middle of fall semester junior year, we knew something else was going on. Bottom line, she has been diagnosed with depression and ADD and is in treatment. She has good days when she acts in her best interests, but plenty of bad days, when we can barely recognize her.</p>

<p>Concerns for her health aside, in terms of the hs to college timeline, I can't imagine this happening at a worse time. I don't talk to her much about college anymore, it's hard enough just getting her to go to class and do her schoolwork--it gets that bad. I collect information on my own on her behalf.</p>

<p>My question to you parents is this- what happens on the other side of this? Therapy is slowly taking effect (three steps forward, two steps back), but she seems to be antagonizing everyone in her path along the way.She still gets A/Bs on her good days, but can actually fail on her bad days. So, while she may be in a much better place in the next several months, in the meantime, she's tanking her grades (she's an IB diploma student, if that adds to the picture), possibly antagonizing her teachers and administrators (she'll find any excuse not to go to class, or stay for the entire period, or get there on time), and extrcurriculars are just not happening right now. Forget taking the SAT this spring; I just don't see it happening. I just feel like she'll be at square one, just at the age of 17/18 instead of 14/15.</p>

<p>Is this a situation where a "gap year" might help? Or please, any thoughtful suggestions you can come up with would be appreciated. I really am a desperate mom seeing all of our plans for our smart, beautiful girl being severly waylaid. I'm sorry if I'm rambling- our family is in the middle of this right now and it's still an open wound for me.</p>

<p>Thanks for responding.</p>

2

<p>First, hugs to you. </p>

<p>At the moment, helping her get well needs to be your only priority, and worrying about college is just adding to your stress. Does her guidance counselor know of the issues? If so, I’m sure that will be included in the counselor’s report.</p>

<p>Consider requesting that she be considered for special education or a 504 plan for students with disabilities. Perhaps some additional support in school can help. We (our school) have made accommodations for students struggling with hard-to-control depressive disorders that included relaxation of time limits and recognition that there were “on” and “off” days, and that grades based on “off” day performance did not reflect the actual mastery. </p>

<p>Right now is way too soon to see how this really unfolds for college, so focus on the here and now. Take a breath – others have been here before. NAMI may be a helpful resource in your area. </p>

<p>Take care of yourself. Please.</p>

3

<p>Big hugs as well. Ditto the suggestions from Arabrab. Perhaps she needs a leave from school now as well, especially if she is adjusting to new medication as well as therapy (an assumption). I know kids who have been hospitalized (psych) for parts of their junior year who were accepted into great colleges the following year. The key is open communication between the family and the school and strong advocacy from your daughter’s therapist. Everything that can make her life more manageable needs to be put into place, and if the school won’t cooperate, then I think that’s the wrong place for the moment.
Take care of yourself and please do not despair - she will get better and options will be there for her future. Hugs.</p>

4

<p>Sending hugs from here too. </p>

<p>I suggest you stop worrying about college at all, and focus on your daughter becoming well and healthy. Over on the Parents of the College Class of 2014 (and beyond) thread, we’ve had several kids encounter mental illness after arriving at college. At least 3 have had to return home to re-group and heal. </p>

<p>I know it is incredibly hard to see your beloved D struggling so much. If it was something physical you could get her an antibiotic, or at least see the problem. But mental illnesses - and they are illnesses - are so insidious. It’s painful to see your child in such a fragile state, and recovery is often one step forward and two steps back. </p>

<p>As hard as it is for you now, picture what it would be like sending her away to college if you’re not sure she’s healthy. Wondering what seemingly small problem is going to trigger a setback. Wondering if no news is good news, or if it means she’s curled up in a ball in her room for days. I don’t say this to make you MORE upset now - just to remind you that until both you and she are confident that she is better, and that she has enough self-awareness to recognize her symptoms and seek help immediately should they arise, you won’t want her to go away to college anyway. But there IS hope.</p>

<p>I have a college student who has experienced depression, both in hs and in college. Because she had dealt with it in hs, she recognized the symptoms when it was starting to come back in college, and told us before it got too bad. We encouraged her to go to the health center, and they were able to direct her to the help she needed. She’s fine now and doing well.</p>

<p>Please do NOT pressure her to get good grades so that she can get into a prestigious school. Let that dream go. Your goal is to get her healthy and stable, and then to let HER decide what her dream is for the future. It may be that a smaller, more local college with less pressure is what she needs. (Or maybe not, I don’t know your daughter).</p>

<p>Echoing the suggestion to find out about a 504 plan, and look into NAMI. (A poster in 2014 whose child has had severe problems says NAMI has helped her family tremendously).</p>

<p>Good luck to all of you.</p>

5

<p>First lots of hugs.</p>

<p>I would definitely consider a gap year as a possible if your daughter can sort her life out. That being said just because stuff is out of whack doesn’t mean it is all a loss. If she can straighten out and learn from her experiences and maybe use them in essays it could say a lot about her.</p>

<p>My dd was bi-bolar and had break downs in both her freshman and junior years. Fortunately for her she was considering a major of film and tv. She was able to use her struggles and overcoming it in at least one of her essays. She applied to NYU ED and got in she had decent SAT’s 2100 but not fantastic. I’m sure if she was applying to stern it would probably been a different decision because her academics weren’t stellar because of the missing of school for part of 2 HS years. The point is she did get healthy and she did get in the school of her choice but it wouldn’t have happened with out her getting healthy.</p>

<p>I also suggest getting a 504 or IEP from your school which can help when heading off to college. As far as SAT’s maybe have her take one with no pressure. Just to see how she does. </p>

<p>But first and foremost you need to focus on getting your DD healthy. Because if she isn’t staple or healthy it’s not going to matter at all where or not she gets in because she won’t be able to survive the stress of college with mental health issues.</p>

6

<p>I would suggest getting your daughter out of the IB courseload. It’s not doing her any favors right now. I am currently a high school junior, and my sophomore year I went through an unimaginably deep depression. Luckily, by quitting all extra curriculars I was able to her by (I had no AP classes). AP/IB classes require an immense amount of mental effort, and sometimes that just can’t happen. As a junior, I am now in 4 AP classes. I still struggle with bouts of depression, and on those days I have received D’s or F’s on tests. The reality is that in these classes, it’s not too hard to get an F. Oftentimes, all of the material isn’t even covered in class, so if a student is too mentally exhausted to study, an F is a very real possibility. </p>

<p>Right now she needs to focus on healing. Get her into regular classes, and if she is still struggling, do not worry about school at all if she needs to take a break. It is possible that given her circumstances, she can pull out right now and redo her junior year next year. Explore this option. </p>

<p>College should not be the priority right now, healing should be. Help her heal, whatever that takes. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. I have been through this and I understand the pain, incapacitation, and desperation.</p>

7

<p>Also: Beware of self medication. While depressed, I self-medicated with alcohol and a variety of over the counter and, well, not over the counter drugs. Sometimes when the meds aren’t working this feels like the only way out.</p>

8

<p>Thank you so much, everyone. And alwaysleah, thanks for givng me another student’s perspective as well. You’ve all given me some good things to think about in terms of directions to take in our daughter’s best interests.
I guess I was holding on tightly to what I knew (planning for college) because the fear of the unknown (dealing with our new reality) is just too scary.</p>

9

<p>College will happen. It sounds like she’s a smart, motivated kid who has just struck a wall. Whether it’s through a break from school, a redo of junior year, a college that understands and takes her essays to heart, or transferring (from a lower ranked college or a CC), I’m sure she’ll get a degree from a great college.</p>

10

<p>I think you may need to accept that things have changed, perhaps permanently, and not try to get the same daughter, and same goals, back. I am not saying that that is impossible, but acceptance is important in any grief process, and you are in a kind of grief.</p>

<p>I would also suggest moving beyond acceptance, at some point when she is healthier, to embracing this new, deeper person before you. Many students do everything they are supposed to, and focus a lot on external feedback like grades and approval, and then the wisest ones hit a point where it all feels meaningless. And sometimes it is.</p>

<p>It is possible that your daughter will grow tremendously through this and be driven by interests and goals that are very genuine, and coming from her, not anyone else. At least, I have observed that many times. And she may understand others and be more empathetic. Honest.</p>

<p>She can leave school if that works better. Some colleges love outliers who aren’t playing by the usual rules. She can do online classes, community college classes (at her own rate), and there are ways to get a diploma as well, if you want to PM me. Or a GED. There are great colleges who do not require SAT’s. Don’t worry about those right now.</p>

<p>I don’t mean to be a polyanna in suggesting an up side while you are grappling with the down side, but sometimes there is one.</p>

11

<p>Actually this is a better time than later for her problems to surface. Be thankful she is diagnosed and progress, although seemingly slow, is being made. Others have advice on dealing with school, mine is medical. Mine includes relaxing and taking a huge burden off of your shoulders. You and your D have jumped the first and worst hurdle- getting her plugged into the system. It takes time for medications and other therapies to work- literally weeks instead of hours or days like with most health problems. Patience is required, harder for some of us (one reason I chose anesthesiology instead of psychiatry as my medical specialty). As in all aspects of treating medical disorders, there is trying of different treatments to find the best one that works for the individual. By the time she is ready to leave home for college she will be able to. </p>

<p>It sounds like you also need to be taken care of- the people on CC can be very helpful and supportive. Glad you posted. Also be sure to make use of resources available to families- ask those treating your D. Chronic illness takes a toll on the entire family. At this stage you don’t know the final outcome of treatments and there is a learning curve to deal with. Take things in baby steps, do not try to resolve the entire problem faced all at once.</p>

<p>We all wish our children could have an easy life without issues. But there is the real world. ADD and depression are real, not character flaws, and there are treatments as you have discovered. Things will improve, your D will be able to reach her full potential and have a good life. Find time to enjoy life.</p>

12

<p>You’ve gotten a lot of good suggestions. I would emphasize that the focus must be on getting her well and getting her stable. Beyond that, it’s really the great unknown and that has to be okay for right now. If you have not already, look into therapy for yourself as well. You deserve support now too.</p>

13

<p>Looking back, did you see this coming? Have you heard for years that your DD has ADHD? Or was it recently? Was there something in particular that lead you to get a diagnosis?

Could you have anticipated this dx? Given that she is already a HS junior and only now getting a diagnosis for these two issues, I’m guessing you’re not in that “fast lane”. (I don’t mean that in a snarky way. These two conditions usually appear much earlier.) You need some period of adjustment to make sure your DD is equipped to go off to college. Whatever happened previously can best guide you to what steps and timing to take ahead.</p>

14

<p>By highly intelligent sib was high-strung with full blown panic attacks…which probably was a euphemism back in the day for issues that now have diagnosis codes. My parents made the tough decision to postpone going away to college and my sib was ultimately very successful once off the high school academic track and all the expectations that had been heaped. And despite an up and down high school record navigated ultimately to a very good college. Focus now on getting yours on track and when you sense some stability then figure out what the college situation might look at.</p>

15

<p>You are getting excellent advice here. My son is one of the ones that Lafalum mentioned - he made it through one year of college (with a high GPA), but had to return home just after the start of his sophomore year. He has a severe mental illness. He has enrolled in our local school and is doing well, but he needs a lot of support. I have had to go through the grieving process myself, but now I just try to be thankful that he is stable and enthusiastic about life.</p>

<p>One doctor told me, “Don’t worry about grades, success, etc. You just want to keep the ball in play,” meaning keep the student alive. That sounds harsh, but it’s the reality. A lot of people DO recover and go on to lead happy lives, once they get through the initial rough phase.</p>

<p>If you haven’t already, look up NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). They offer OUTSTANDING support group and family education classes. I can’t speak highly enough of the group.</p>

16

<p>I would change my focus from trying to get her into a top college to trying to get her into a college nearby, where she might even live at home.</p>

<p>She needs to be under your observation and supervision.</p>

<p>Perhaps even community college for two years.</p>

<p>It is like you had a child who was a champion runner, but then she severely broke her leg.</p>

<p>The focus needs to be change from getting her into the Olympics to simply get her walking properly again.</p>

<p>There is always graduate school for attending a “name” school.</p>

17

<p>I don’t think she necessarily will have to go to college nearby. Sometimes severe depression can be healed in about six months-mine was. However, I now know the signs and know when I am slipping back. If she can recognize the signs, has learned from this experience, and is healthy and responsible whenever the time for college comes, then I think it is very possible for her to go away to college. CC might make sense anyway though, because it will give her a chance to get good grades without colleges considering her high school record. She could even stop high school now, get her GED, take some time off, and then start CC in the fall or Spring 2013</p>

<p>But I want to emphasize that college should not be the concern right now, and I really think she should be taken out of IB.</p>

18

<p>This sounds like the sort of situation where two years at a community college – followed by a transfer to a four-year school – might be a good solution.</p>

<p>And if you’re in Virginia, which I suspect you are from some of the colleges you’ve mentioned, that makes things even better because Virginia has such a splendid variety of state schools that she could transfer to as a junior.</p>

<p>Attending a community college to start means that her high school grades don’t matter much, which takes a lot of pressure off of her (and you) right now. It also means that she could continue living in the same place, and therefore get continuity in her health care, for two extra years. By the time she would be ready to transfer to a four-year school, she would have a better handle on her health issues and how best to deal with them.</p>

<p>Another aspect: As someone else suggested, getting out of the IB diploma program might be a good idea. IB is remarkably intolerant of student illnesses. It is NOT possible to repeat a year of IB – the IB system has no provision for it. So especially if it’s necessary for your daughter to interrupt her education or repeat a grade to deal with her health issues (and maybe even if it isn’t), IB’s inflexibility would get in her way.</p>

19

<p>S1 was dx this fall with ADD/depression and withdrew from college as a senior. Best thing we ever did was to give us all a chance to NOT CARE about school for a while. We are still working out treatment plans. Any illness (mental/physical/combination) can become a part-time job and trying to contemplate college while she is still ill and unstable is a fool’s errand. Ignore the “have to” and “should” arbitrary timelines of the world and follow your instincts.</p>

<p>Yes, the “new normal” requires grieving, and uncertainty. S2 has a chronic life-threatening illness and one thing I have learned from parenting him is that the whole world makes plans: long term, short term; and some of us aren’t able to do that. Your timeline for planning is pretty short, and that’s okay. Just go day to day, and then work on week to week. I tell people it’s like when they learn to ride a bike, and you run alongside, hoping they don’t fall. Except the bike is around the corner, and you are sitting on the porch, waiting for a crash that may, or may not, come. Hang in there.</p>

20

<p>Yes, my sib went to a CC and then off to UofM and never looked back. Continued with a loved sport into CC, made new friends and got on an even keel at the CC. The anxiety and panic attacks continued well into the twenties (and may to this day, but it’s not mentioned) but by then much self discovery and many coping mechanisms were in place.</p>