Girlfriend Changes Son's Life

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi All.
Son #2 is going to kill me for posting about this, but I know there is a lot of expertise on cc and I need help or any advice anyone can give.</p>

<p>Here's the setup: Son #2 is a junior in a new school in new country this year -- an American-curriculum school overseas. Very demanding, high-powered students, parents, and teachers. S#2 has always been a good student, and very involved and popular. Crazy about theater and vocal music, loves film clubs, school newspaper, literature and creative writing. Considered ''very gifted'' by voice teacher at old school. Not "Type A ambitious'', rather casual about skills, but always at the top of his class (but doesn't tell anyone).</p>

<p>Cue ominous music: S#2 falls in with a group of great kids who sit around discussing Christopher Guest films, the Coen Bros., swap poetry books, and go to plays together. Gradually becomes close to one wonderful young lady. They fall in love. Madly in love. They are inseparable. The phone bills are enormous. May I state that she is great, if I could have chosen one girl for him it would be this girl, but does he have to spend weeks in antique booksellers hunting for her Christmas present? Does he have to be in public transport for 2 hours on a weekend to hang out with her for 3 hours? Every weekend? Does this have to be his junior year, 11th grade (no do-overs)?</p>

<p>Here's the hand-wringing part: S#2's grades are still good. But. He has dropped most of his EC's, even ones he was passionate about before. Stays lukewarmly in a couple of clubs, but only if The Girlfriend is going. Doesn't sing any more or take voice lessons. Is involved in theater but is content with a minor role (whereas previously he was the biggest ham). Standardized tests slipped this year -- he did better on the PSAT last year (??!!) and was shruggish about SAT, which he took last Sat. Colleges that he was interested in previously no longer interest him. "Too big", he says (note: The Girlfriend is only interested and will only apply to small colleges). That's fine! But we are poor and he needs to get good financial aid, which seems to come with a "prestigious college" packet, and that's the hard truth of it.</p>

<p>And: The school thinks of them as a big joke. No one knows who he is (The Girlfriend has been around for years so she is an established entity), except as ''the guy who walks around with his girlfriend like this <em>entwine fingers</em>". In fact, I sat down with his designated college counselor today, and she did not know who he was until I described him that way!! And she had a good old laugh about them. Son#2 and The Girlfriend have been much discussed in the high school offices, as became clear to this dismayed mom.</p>

<p>There's nothing I can do about this, right? Nothing at all? Besides start knitting booties?</p>

<p>Help, please! SOS!
AnudduhMom Montagu
ps., The Girlfriend's mom, Mrs. Capulet, is worried too.</p>

2

<p>I don't have experience yet with the BF-GF issue, but I hope you've been open with him about the financial concerns and the importance of EC's (or hobbies or interests or work) in selective college admissions. I'd be worried too about that part, but it's nice he's found a wonderful girlfriend and I'm glad you can be happy about that.</p>

<p>I think the only thing you can do is offer the reality checks about financials, etc. If he decides to go for a good, but slightly lower tier school, he could end up with good FA (need to do the research on that). Maybe the reality on college admissions would be received better from a GC. Good luck Mrs. Montagu. At least he's with a good group of kids who aren't breaking the law!</p>

3

<p>she is not a "wonderful girlfriend"....she is an energy sucker who has changed an invovled vibrant curious young man into a sap....</p>

<p>I wouldn't be happy if my Ds changed who they were, what they loved to do, etc for another person</p>

<p>I would wonder why he has none of his own opinions, is happy just following this girl around doesn't want to do anything without her etc</p>

<p>THAT is what needs to be addressed as well as the other issues</p>

<p>My Ds friends, alot have BF in HS, but they don't give up what they do</p>

<p>So dont call her a wonderful GF, friends encourage their friends to shine, do well, and have a future, not take that away</p>

<p>I know it is his choice how to be, but a "wonderful" GF would only want the best for him and would wonder why he gave up so much</p>

4

<p>Mrs. Montagu, been there done that. My son went through the same thing as a junior, lasting well into his senior year, when it ended with a bloody breakup. He got through, we all got through it. I learned to tread very carefully and lightly. Early discussions of my concerns were met, on his part, by statements like, "you just don't like her," or "OK would it make you happy if we just break up?" I finally convinced him that I really liked his girlfriend, but I didn't want him to lose himself in the relationship. </p>

<p>He kept the activities that were really important to him, but did slough off the ones that weren't. It's like she replaced the affirmation he needed and was getting from his previous activities. From what I've seen, in high school relationships, the girls tend to continue their same-sex friendships, but boys tend to give them up, which is unfortunate. Finally after a year and a half, my son realized he wanted his life back. Apparently, he had been meeting her in between each class, sitting at lunch, mooning in the parking lot before and after school, and generally spending all his time with her, other than when he was at sports practice and games. They would spend hours every night on the phone. When he tried to back off, she didn't understand. They started fighting. He broke it off and she fell hard. He felt pretty bad about it too. Although it may seem like a bad time for this to happen, think about how much worse it would be later in life. </p>

<p>My mantra throughout it all was 1. Don't give up on your own dreams/personal development, and 2. Don't pick your college based on where your girlfriend goes. I think it sunk in. Just keep repeating the lesson, keep the lines of communication open. Make sure the message is not "I don't like her," but rather, "I want what's best for you/both of you."</p>

5

<p>Sigh...sounds like me.</p>

<p>No, really. Little known fact. When I was 17 I fell in love. Hard. We were inseparable. We ended up living in the same house. His parents. They felt it was the safest environment for us (it was 1974). Our HS was a buzz. Teacher's turned their heads, but administrators and other parents were freaking out. Eventually my "old" interests came back into my life, but it's hard to play with old toys when there's a shiny new one that is just so much fun!</p>

<p>No, I won't end the story by saying we're married today, with a house filled with kids, but I will say this...it was a wonderful learning experience for me, and one I don't take lightly. We were together for 5 years, including during times when we each went to different colleges (I went to the Pacific Northwest, he to San Diego).</p>

<p>Fast forward 33 years to 2007...he is my very best friend in the whole world. He's happily married with 3 kids, I am happily not married with 1 (we did not make babies together, so knitting booties are not a requirement). We have been there for one another through sickness, health, good times and bad. Divorces, marriages, child rearing, deaths of parents and siblings. I am incredibly close with his family as he (and his wife) are with mine.</p>

<p>What I would suggest (if I'm not too bold) is to step back slightly and be thankful that your son has found someone lovely to enjoy being 17 with. It can be such a hard age, and finding a soft place to fall is a treasure. Really. It could be so much worse.</p>

6

<p>to be clear- she may be a wonderful girl, but is not a wonderful girlfriend</p>

<p>if she was really lovely, she would want son to be his own man, continue doing what he was when they met, not demand all his time</p>

<p>I guess I am alone in not thinking this is a "wonderful" friend...has she given up ANYTHING for him...</p>

<p>A wonderful GF encourages her BF to do what he loves, doesn't want him to not be who he is, etc</p>

<p>Tell me how is she so wonderful if the formally vibrant young man is now slipping and having choices for his future being lessened.</p>

7

<p>I think you may be a bit quick to judge, citygirlsmom. I didn't get a distinct impression from reading the original post that the girl was intentionally controlling the boy, encouraging him to drop everything for her, etc. I know that I had a boyfriend once who was very smitten (what can I say!) and though I would encourage him to do the things he loved before we were together, he always insisted that he wanted to spend time with me first. The boy cares for her very much, and it isn't her responsibility to force him to spend his time doing things he loves less.</p>

8

<p>Thank you for the really thoughtful and sensitive answers, bethie, doubleplay and justaMom. You are absolutely right, it has to be handled really carefully, and he HAS said things like ''you just don't like her''. He shuts down the conversation if I even try to discuss how all-consuming their relationship is. I would hope for an outcome like yours, justaMom, where they can wind up friends without heartbreak. </p>

<p>So yes, I am desperately worried. It helps that people understand and commiserate.</p>

<p>citygirlsmom -- that seems a little harsh. Maybe you didn't intend it that way. I think I said he was new to the school this year? He is new to the school and this country -- how could he ''continue doing what he was when they met''? He is dealing with culture shock, upheavals, losing his older brother to college, and a lot of other things. I forgive you for saying she is an ''energy sucker who has changed an involved curious young man into a sap''. After all you don't know her or my son. They are wonderful together -- she is intelligent and she loves him. My son is not a ''sap'', he is a young man passionately in love with a young lady. But...</p>

<p>I don't want to see either of these youngsters sabotage their future for anything including each other. I'm just a worried mom, wondering if I can do anything here...</p>

<p>All gentle thoughts welcome, and thanks so much.
A.M.</p>

9

<p>AM thoughts are with you. My sister is dealing with a similar issue right now with her s and one of his responses is the same 'you just don't like her.' It's so hard to relate carefully enough that you don't set up an adversarial situation. Given that you have just moved and changed schools etc. he may really feel some security with the relationship. How does he respond when you talk with him about the singing? That's a shame. Maybe you could encourage them to participate in some of the ECs together or SAT prep together.
Hang in there, it sounds like he is still doing very well, in any case.
andi</p>

10

<p>"Although it may seem like a bad time for this to happen, think about how much worse it would be later in life." </p>

<p>I think Doubleplay hit the nail on the head with this comment...At least you are there to gently guide your son, and in the case of an eventual break-up within the next year (which statistically will happen), S#2 will have family support to deal with the heartache.</p>

<p>Best of luck...I personally have not been through this with my children (although I was present when my brother went through it 20+ years ago), but I know it must be very difficult for you.</p>

11

<p>"He is new to the school and this country"</p>

<p>I think he is lucky to be in the situation he is in. Moving a kid to a different country in his junior year can be risky. And I am pretty sure that "doing what he really likes/wants" is exactly what he is doing right now. If anything, he needs to be told that sometimes one needs to do things he doesn't really want to do (like preparing for SATs) in order to be able to do what he really wants in the future (including choosing a college with GF's location in mind).</p>

<p>I certainly can see how for a 17 years old boy who is in love old ECs may seem mundane and boring. And in his situation it's not that he could just continue where he left off. He has to build his status from the ground up in the new school in a different country. Give him a break!</p>

12

<p>Thanks andi and curiousmother. Good thoughts.</p>

<p>andi (howaya?), he says he doesn't have time for voice lessons now. This may be true -- at the old school his voice coach was a teacher at the school so they worked it into the school day. Where we are now he would have to do lessons at a music school -- which is great, but he says he can't swing it with his schedule (which includes after school with the gf of course). </p>

<p>They do some ECs, and did a little SAT prep together. He is ''distracted'' though (I keep hearing that from teachers). I almost think the SAT prep they did together is somewhat counterproductive.... He did some SAT prep on his own at home (''no you will not go out with A. until you do that SAT work''), but I had to be a big purple meanie about it.</p>

13

<p>Hi,
I'm doing well- hope you are too- aside from the bf gf thing. </p>

<p>I have to agree that doubleplay's mantra is right on. </p>

<p>
[quote]
My mantra throughout it all was 1. Don't give up on your own dreams/personal development, and 2. Don't pick your college based on where your girlfriend goes. I think it sunk in. Just keep repeating the lesson, keep the lines of communication open. Make sure the message is not "I don't like her," but rather, "I want what's best for you/both of you."

[/quote]
</p>

<p>This will work out. Have faith.</p>

<p>andi</p>

14

<p>Kids can thrive and do well in just about any college. Developing good deep personal relationships is more important in life than doing some extra lame EC. Really, how important is spending time with the Spanish club 20 years later in life? But everyone remembers their first real love.</p>

15

<p>sounds Harsh</p>

<p>Mom is worried about son, who is managing to keep up grades, but other areas are slipping, he is not considering schools that he has a chance at for financial aid, he is not getting as involved</p>

<p>sure he is in love and she loves him so</p>

<p>it is normal ,but as a mom, part of your job is to show child reality and what he is potentialy letting slip away</p>

<p>and mom, how do you KNOW she isn't pushing him to be with her at his own lose fo ECs etc</p>

<p>Girls, and I am a mother, can be very sweet on the surface, but also very manipulative in relationships, and to just go, well, she is perfect, he is perfect, but he is risking his future to a degree because they Love each other so</p>

<p>I don't know what you can do, but don't assume she is perfect...</p>

<p>What has she GIVEN UP for him....what has she stopped doing to be with him...are her parents happy if she has given stuff up?</p>

<p>If they were so wonderful together, you wouldnt be posting here, would you</p>

<p>You are worried and are defending the relationship even though you are worried</p>

<p>I understand that, but you asked the question and as an outsider, I said what I did.</p>

<p>If she really loved your son, she would want the absolute best for him, and wouldn't think he should travel 4 hours to see him all the time, what she can't go to him?</p>

<p>You mentioned that the school talks about them, and not in the most glowing of terms, that he is a shadow of this girl...to paraphrase</p>

<p>So, no need to forgive me, I am sure there is some truth to what I say.</p>

<p>If all was going well, you wouldn't have asked the questions</p>

<p>If you were confident it was the best thing for your son you wouldn't be posting here</p>

<p>I think you are sensing something is amiss, and are indeed a bit worried, if they were wonderful together, why are you worried?</p>

<p>I sound harsh, sure, but do you just want, ah, well, its okay from everyone? If you just want people to agree, then why even bother asking?</p>

16

<p>My situation is somewhat similar. My daughter started dating her boyfriend just before junior year. She is a dedicated student and that hasn't changed, but she did drop off the activity level with some of her athletics and other extra-curriculars. I don't like the relationship, but have tried to be good. My daughter has enjoyed the college application process and is excited about it. We did keep after her to stay involved in school and volunteer work, and she did, but could have done more. The boyfriend doesn't have many interests, and although he has applied to colleges, he is clearly not really into the whole thing. My daughter's college list was set early on, and her choices made sense. I knew that some of the boyfriend's schools were near hers, but I flipped out recently when I learned he had applied to several schools he has no interest in simply because they are near colleges my daughter has applied to. The hardest part is knowing there is little, if anything, to be done. I do trust my daughter to make the right choice about which college to attend, but I am convinced that the boyfriend will follow her. What worries me then is that, because boyfriend is so attached, his presence will compromise her experiences.
In your situation, I think it helps that the girl’s mother is also concerned. Have the two of you talked? You may have to step in with your son and push a bit harder to keep him involved. There are plenty of great colleges out there, and first loves are important, but it is also important to learn not to lose yourself in a relationship, especially at this age. These relationships are not likely to last, but choices made now can impact opportunities throughout life, and that needs to be understood.</p>

17

<p>You know it's OK to say something to your kids. Yes, they aren't going to like it. They are going to revert to age 2 and throw a tantrum, "you don't like her, you don't understand!". To this so what? How did you handle it at 2? </p>

<p>Some parents go through life hoping their kids never get mad at them, worried about their "feelings" to such a degree that they suppress their own wisdom about situations like them. What favor are you doing your kids?<br>
Speak up, remember you are a parent first until 18, then you can be a friend/advisor the rest of the way. </p>

<p>If you don't like what's going on, say something. Don't worry if your child doesn't like what your saying. If you are truly doing it to help them out rather than yourself, they'll thank you later. Just don't worry about the momment's displeasure.</p>

18

<p>By definition, having a girlfriend or boyfriend in highschool, college, whenever, is going to take up a certain amount of time in the week. If a student is busy busy busy all the time, it stands to reason that a significant other is going to take some time out of these activities. Not necessarily a bad thing, unless it seriously impacts their life and future prospects. I'm with the camp that says these "practice" relationships are healthy and natural. </p>

<p>Having said that, the comment that teachers made- that your son seems "distracted"- that would raise a question with me. I'd wanna know- what do you mean "distracted?" Is he doing his homework, keeping up with tests, engaged in class? Because if not, that's a separate issue that needs to be addressed between me and son, and the gf has nothing to do with it. Maybe he is pining away for her- but that's where a mature, respected adult can step in (dad? older brother/uncle?) and have a talk with him about how real men handle relationships.</p>

<p>In my son's case, I became very good friends with his girlfriend. He and she knew that I was concerned about her future, that I wanted the best for her (rah rah- girl power and all that) as well. </p>

<p>Funny thing- once it was all said and done, I think he realized that, while at the time it seemed like he was "independent", he was really connecting himself up to a ball and chain. Took him a year to see that. Now that he's in college, on his own, I think he's much more prepared to enter a mature relationship. So it wasn't necessarily a bad thing, just difficult/inconvenient.</p>

19

<p>You would not be the first mother to have trouble with the fact that her son has a new woman in his life.</p>

20

<p>I suspect your son was more rattled by the "new school, new country" situation than anyone realized.</p>

<p>So when an opportunity for something emotionally sustaining -- a relationship with a girl -- showed up, he may have grabbed on to it with greater intensity than he would have if he were still in a familiar environment. </p>

<p>I see nothing wrong with that, especially, but I am concerned about the school personnel who see a problem. It might be worth talking to them. Your son may be under stresses from the change of schools that are greater than you realize.</p>