Girlfriend Changes Son's Life

Parents Forum
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<p>Annudda, Well, as Bethie says, Williams, Amherst, Yale and Princeton, are very selective, so he is at a critical point, not just for ECs and test scores but also for recommendations from teachers and counselors. He doesn't need to be perfect on all fronts (grades, scores, rank, extracurriculars, references, essays) but he needs some super strength in several. In my opinion, living overseas can be a powerful hook if presented as such and can positively influence essays, activities and recommendations. Colleges like expatriate Americans, especially if they live in off the beaten track countries, because they get cultural diversity and don't have to worry about visas, language and adjustment.</p>

<p>For some less selectives that overlap I'd take a look at Hamilton, Kenyon, Wesleyan, Macalester.</p>

<p>Financial aid at LACs parallels that at universities. The most selective don't give merit aid, but are very generous in need based aid. The second tier -- in selectivity, not quality -- can offer great merit aid. </p>

<p>Barnard is a favorite at my son's high school. In fact, his best female friend goes there and over the years he's spent plenty of nights sleeping on her floor. It tends to be the meeting place for the overseas kids to hold reunions. Exactly as Elleneast describes, the kids don't seem to mind the 4 hour bus ride (though I guess mine is doing more sleeping than reading.)</p>

<p>Williams has been a wonderfully fulfilling experience for my son. His only regret is that it's almost over. He's fallen in with a great group of smart, talented and quirky kids who like to hang out together, climb mountains, and support each others' activities whether it's an art exhibit, a jazz concert, a piano performance, a planetarium show, a global warming seminar and on and on. These are amazingly multifaceted kids! </p>

<p>As a parent, 15,000 miles away, the warmth and accessibility of the Williams community -- the students, the faculty and the administration -- has allowed me to sleep nights knowing that there are people there who care about him. The firstyear entry system allowed for an especially smooth transition. You should be aware that Williamstown is not so easy to get to from Logan or JFK. The school runs shuttles at holidays, but they never seem to match up to what is needed.</p>

<p>Basically you just couldn't get any further from Jakarta than Williamstown -- geographically, geologically, culturally, politically, meteorologically -- and I think the extreme contrast has actually been part of the appeal. He's enjoyed being the guy from that weird and wonderful country.</p>

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<p>You are all getting to the heart of the matter; I think I didn't explain it very well at first. This is what I am worried about -- that he is not really distinguishing himself this year, and that the schools he loved during our visits are very very selective indeed. Add to that -- the school he attends now is full of wonderful, bright kids with super-competitive parents who are already in the Guidance Counselors faces. He does NOT want me to be one of those parents!</p>

<p>But I can't thank you all enough. You've helped me focus on exactly how I can frame the discussions with him. I feel I've been a bit too emotional, or not factual before. I don't want it to be ''about her'', as he is quick to assume, but about HIM, and I need to say it in a way that will help him focus on the long view.</p>

<p>I think I need to show him this thread. I know he will be furious that I talked about his personal life on cc, but there is so much good sense and clear thinking that maybe it will be a wake-up call.</p>

<p>Thank you all again ever so much.
A.M.
ps, momrath, I know people in Jakarta actually! (we've been vagabonds for a long time) Great schools, fascinating culture.</p>

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<p>Momrath, I believe you are 15,000 Klicks but 9,500 miles away....</p>

<p>Annudah..you'll get it sussed. He'll get it sussed one way or the other. If he has to go to a second tier school, it won't be the end of the world. My guess is that he will ramp up his SAT efforts and his ECs in the next few months as the S-E-X settles into routine.</p>

<p>When you wonder why he's so addled, just remember: She's taking off her clothes in front of him. No EC is going to compare to that bit of heaven.</p>

<p>Be grateful that he is dating in front of you so that you can make a few helpful comments about which behaviors work in a long term relationship and which don't. When he goes to college, you won't have any idea what her parents think.</p>

<p>Agree with barrons on the sex in a relationship is far better than casual sex at parties.</p>

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<p>''My guess is that he will ramp up his SAT efforts and his ECs in the next few months as the S-E-X settles into routine.</p>

<p>When you wonder why he's so addled, just remember: She's taking off her clothes in front of him. No EC is going to compare to that bit of heaven.''</p>

<p>Ack! Ackity Ack!! Choked on my tea! Thanks, cheers for fears! Good God, this is his mom you're talking to!
:eek:
(now don't assume we haven't discussed that too)</p>

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<p>AnudduhMom: I don't think I would show him this. Just talk to him about HIS goals, as you said. I doubt he would be able to absorb all of the "good info" on this thread in the face of the fact that it is about him and his personal life. At least that is how my kids (and probably even I) would react...</p>

<p>Just a thought...</p>

<p>As always, all the best to you!</p>

<p>Oh, and I also almost choked on the S-E-X quote above...</p>

<p>SHEESH!!</p>

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<p>There are many, many great options that are less selective than HYPAW etc. and some will give merit money. It would be good for you to figure out your FA picture ASAP to have some idea which schools are financially possible for you. If you're truly low income, you can get some good deals on need-based aid. If not, you may want to start getting excited about another set of colleges.</p>

<p>I know some super-star students who have been wait-listed/rejected by Wesleyan and I'm not considering Macalester a sure thing for my son, though he's a super-good student too. Being International may be a big plus at some, but, imo, the really good schools (top 100, say) are looking for students who are really interested in them and passionate about something (GF probably doesn't count).</p>

<p>My son started getting really excited about colleges after visiting some campuses. Do you have any time back in the US to do some visits? Again, I wouldn't put more focus on uber-selective schools unless they seem like possibilities for admissions and for pocket book. I'd suggest you start branching out in your thinking. The guidance office should have some books you can borrow. I've found the Fiske and Insider's guides to be very helpful. Also "Colleges That Change Lives". Some colleges have DVD's or CD Rom's that can give you a peak at the campus and students if you can't visit. And we've found the guidebooks listed above to be very consistent with what we've seen on visits. I went through the guide books myself and flagged a bunch of schools that sounded like a good fit for my son, making sure there were some at every level of selectivity. That gave him a jumping off point.</p>

<p>I'm not saying you or your son should drop the idea of the most highly selective schools, but he'll need a range in terms of selectivity (everyone does) and you need to figure out your financial picture.</p>

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<p>camelias</p>

<p>Don't lower your standards! Chances are good you'll find lots of interesting and interested potential partners in college.</p>

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<p>I wouldn't show the thread to him--I got in trouble with mine just for posting that he was having problems in physics. (he doesn't know about the other posts). Just share the info you wish and attribute whatever you wish to a "friend". </p>

<p>I think you've hit on the main premise---keep it about him and when you do discuss her, focus on the fact that you also want what's best for her too. Good luck.</p>

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<p>1st, don't knit booties (do discuss Birth control, though! Hopefully the girl is on the pill AND your son uses condoms, if they're that serious into the relationship. No matter how nice, bright, great, etc. the kids are, I think we'd all agree high schoolers are too young to become parents!)</p>

<p>2nd, it could very well be that the changes in his activities were going to happen anyway...as mother of 4, both boys & girls,ages 18-28, I can say from experience that serious interests of the romantic/sexual nature are going to occur at some point in adolescence/young adulthood. And when they do, everything is bound to change. (Think back to your own first love: everything revolved around that person, didn't it...and nothing else was important anymore. All the extra-curricular activities play 2nd fiddle to the real interest: the romance.) </p>

<p>And even if there was no romance going on, a lot of kids start radically changing interests as they get closer to the adult years. Just as you outgrow the desire to play with dolls or roll toy trucks in the dirt, some will also quit singing, drawing pictures, etc. Grade also fluctuate for many reasons, including boredom or unexpected challenges. As for the voice lessons, etc. that takes a lot of time & effort: could he have decided he's not good enough to pursue it professionally and decided lessons were a waste of time? A lot of kids do drop instrumental & vocal music in high school for this reason. Same with being o.k. with lesser parts in school plays: it's a new school: could be he sees how he measures up against the competition and knows he can't make the big parts anymore. Could be he's maturing and becoming more realistic about both his talents and how he wants to spend his time.</p>

<p>I would worry only if he you see any of these symptoms: he seems moody & depressed often (more than the occasional teen angst), if he starts actually failing classes, if he totally quits all activities (it's o.k. if he's only in activities the girlfriend's in: obviously they must have some similar tastes or they wouldn't have hit it off in the first place so they'd tend to be in at least some of the same activities whether or not they were dating.)</p>

<p>Yes, be there for your kid...but keep in mind you can't change him/her much at this point (if at all)</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Good God, this is his mom you're talking to!

[/quote]
</p>

<p>You'll learn eventually that discussing one's son's sex life is a popular topic on these threads. :rolleyes:</p>

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<p>My son went through the entwined-with-girlfriend thing as a senior in HS. Nothing helped but time. They went off to college together, she got homesick and came back to a closer college, it died out. Whew . . .</p>

<p>Our experience was that talking to him about it only united them more.</p>

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<p>My son went through the entwined-with-girlfriend thing as a senior in HS. Our experience was that the more we discussed it with him the more united they became. Time loosened the bond. They went away to college together, she got homesick and moved back to this area, the relationship ended.</p>

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<p>Whoops, sorry to post the same message twice. Not that I thought it bears repeating, but thought I'd deleted it.</p>