Girlfriend is Pregnant and I feel My Life is Ruined

Student Lounge College Life
61

<p>
[quote]
Well my view is if she is pregnant I think it is best for the child to be adopted, because I cannot possibly support it for at least another 3-4 years! It is not fair to the child to have two parents married because the child was a mistake! Or to have a single mother parent taking care of it and only getting $100 a month via child support till it is four years-old and having almost no relationship with it's father because it's father is trying to support it with what little money he makes while trying to have his dream career and to fulfill his obligation to his country. I personally think adoption is the only fair method for the child, to hopefully have a loving family that can provide for it and hopefully it never knows it was adopted. I understand I have a duty to the child, to myself and to the mother. I just want to do the honorable thing, while not ruining my future and all the parties involved. I know it is my mistake, I know I was trapped into it, but what matters is the child's future and mine (the mother is second priority as far as I am concerned). </p>

<p>What is selfish is to abort the child, what isn't is to give it up for adoption to have a better life than what it can have with us at this point and time....

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I think you've really made up your mind here. You really, really want her to give the child up for adoption. You want to do the honorable thing. You want to do what's right for you, the mother and the child. You are absolutely to be commended for that. </p>

<p>Now, here's the problem, you aren't legally in charge. She is.</p>

<p>So, the obvious question is, what if she doesn't want to give it up for adoption? What if she wants to keep it? I think, given what you've said here, and your decision which seems very clear to me, Chedva raises the key point:</p>

<p>
[quote]
She may, if he won't marry her.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I would strongly consider telling her right now <strong><em>in no uncertain terms</em></strong> that you will not marry her, notwithstanding the promise you made. Look at it in practical terms: you will ruin your life and thereby in a way the lives of all those involved if you derail your career plans in order to get married. The fact is you are simply not ready for this in terms of your life plan. You are not on a good career footing and if you screw up that now, you'll have a hard time ever recovering.</p>

<p>If you marry her just to be honorable, you'll likely end up unhappy as you've indicated because you'll only be doing it for the kid. The marriage will end, with near certainty. You'll be struggling to pay child support after divorce.</p>

<p>The best way for you to ensure that you don't end up having to go through with a number of options that are all bad for you and everyone involved is to be really, really firm in telling her that you will not marry her and will only do what is required legally (i.e., child support).</p>

<p>Personally, I think in certain situations that abortion is actually something of an unselfish act. For people not ready for a child (financially and in life), it may be better to not expose that child to a life that is "half-baked." I am not arguing against your viewpoint. I am just telling you that there are other perspectives. Never once, in my case, did I suggest that my wife should have an abortion, but I respect it as a difficult choice that in some situations may be for the better.</p>

62

<p>Do not get married.
Break up with her.
Pay child support as the law obligates.</p>

<p>Proceed with your life.</p>

63

<p>In addition to paying child support if his girfriend keeps their child, the OP will need to be an involved dad to the child he helped create. Just sending checks isn't enough.</p>

64

<p>Is it a legal obligation to be there for the child? I thought only child support was the only thing.</p>

65

<p>No, there's no legal obligation to be there for the child, but there is a moral obligation. Just ask the many men and women whose fathers weren't there for them.</p>

<p>OP -- if she does have and keep the baby, get a paternity test. You barely know her, and her being so sure of pregnancy now seems suspicious.</p>

<p>"Some call this paternity fraud. But a more accurate term is "paternal discrepancy." Paternity fraud emphasizes the financial aspect of the phenomenon, but paternal discrepancy (PD) describes the anomaly itself—the disconnect between what men think is true and the genetic reality. And research shows that it's a lot more common than we might believe.</p>

<p>After recently reviewing 67 studies on the subject, University of Oklahoma researchers found that PD rates tend to be much higher among men who have reason to believe there's been more than one dog in the yard. No surprise there. But leave out these men and you end up with a number that can safely be assumed to represent the rest of us. That number is 3.85 percent. Another review of 19 studies by a group at Liverpool John Moores University backs this up, putting the figure at 3.7 percent of dads. It may not seem like a lot—until you do the math. According to a 2005 U.S. Census Bureau report, there are 27,940,000 fathers nationwide with a child under 18. That means over a million guys out there are taking care of some other man's kid"
Are</a> You Raising Another Man's Child? - Page1 -   MSN Lifestyle: Men</p>

66

<p>i understand what you mean now. i thought you meant there was a legal obligation as well. yea i agree that if one is the father of a kid, no matter what, he should be there for the kid. Personally I'd go as far as to say that in such a situation once the child is born that's when my life seizes to exist alone and I must put the child's life ahead of the things I want, regardless of where I would be in life. That's just me anyways. I wouldn't get into such a predicament as the OP did but these things do happen obviously. Hopefully he can go into adoption. If not, it'll be a hard upbringing for the child, even with time spent with the father.</p>

67

<p>OK, I've read the first half of these posts, and I really think everyone is getting something wrong. It seems that this guy is a U.S.A. Cadet--which I read as he's at West Point. One of the requirements for the cadets is to be unmarried. There are no side jobs for the cadets--no time for them. The committment to West Point includes summers.</p>

<p>I think adoption is the best way to go if this really is a pregnancy. But speaking from experience, young girls' periods can vary--especially in times of high stress.</p>

68

<p>I am really in no place to give advice on this topic. I wish you the best of luck but I just wanted to give you hope that maybe it is a false alarm..</p>

<p>I know 100% for sure that I am not pregnant, and I have had my periods skip around very badly. I've had some be very boom-boom after one another and some have been practically 2 months apart. So perhaps, it is a false alarm and you can learn.</p>

<p>And if not, you've gotten some great advice and I pray everything works out.</p>

69

<p>"OK, I've read the first half of these posts, and I really think everyone is getting something wrong. It seems that this guy is a U.S.A. Cadet--which I read as he's at West Point. One of the requirements for the cadets is to be unmarried. There are no side jobs for the cadets--no time for them. The committment to West Point includes summers.</p>

<p>I think adoption is the best way to go if this really is a pregnancy."</p>

<p>For adoption to be the choice, both parents have to agree to this. Making a decision to give up a child that one has carried for 9 months is a very serious, life changing decision, and many women choose not to do this.</p>

<p>Just because a child is born to a young, single mother doesn't necessarily mean that the child would have had a better life if the child had been adopted. After all, there are adopted children who end up being killed by abuse.</p>

<p>There also are people who have very good lives despite being raised by young, single mothers.</p>

<p>Also, what if this ends up being the only child the girlfriend ever can have? What if it's the only child the OP can ever have? I have a close male friend whose college girlfriend aborted his child, a decision that both of them made. He ended up marrying a woman who was infertile. Unless he chooses to have a child by another woman, he never will have a biological child.</p>

<p>Other considerations: What if the child ends up having a birth defect? </p>

<p>The OP needs to get advice from a trusted adult such as a chaplain, counselor or his parents, and the OP needs to keep in mind everyone's needs- the unborn child, his girlfriend and himself. And after the child is born, he needs to insist on a paternity test.</p>

70

<p>ALRIGHT HAVE GOOD NEWS HER PERIOD STARTED TODAY WE STILL HAD HERE TAKE A PREGANCY TEST AND SHE IS NOT PREGNANT!! </p>

<p>Now for our relationship...I think I'm going to put it at a end because to be honest within myself I still do care about her, she just isn't a military wife material. Talked some of this over with some of my close friends and they agree. I want to say thanks to everyone here for your support....</p>

71

<p>A saying passed down in my family is, "Your nighttime girl may become your daytime wife." </p>

<p>At the least, your nighttime girl may become the mother of your forever child.</p>

<p>This is important to remember as you consider having sex with someone.</p>

72

<p>Thanks, I'll remember that phrase.</p>

73

<p>YAY! Exciting news! I'm very glad this worked out for the best for you (her not being pregnant at all) and I agree that you should probably end the relationship. Remember for next time though-- Condoms, birth control pills, and morning-after pill if she forgets one!!! Don't screw up again!</p>

74

<p>great news. this reminds me of that family guy episode where someone falls out the window from Peter's house and Spider-man comes in and shoots webbing to save the person from hitting the ground. I forget who fell but they told spider-man, "Gee, thanks spider-man," to which Spider-man responded, "everyone always gets one." What I'm saying is that this should serve as a lesson which I'm already sure you've learned. Spider-man won't be there to save you from falling the next time.</p>

75

<p>sweeeet i'm relieved for you man!</p>

76

<p>That's great news! This should be a good enough reminder to use condoms and birth control every time.</p>

77

<h1>3 #3 #3 and once again #3. Child Support.I also think you should be a part of the child's life.Thats very important. You don't have to stay or provide for the baby momma.</h1>

78

<p>good to see that things worked out well for you. </p>

<p>at the very least, you're that much wiser now.</p>

79

<p>Neighbor's son had a girlfriend at 19 that told him she was pregnant when she was 4-5 months along. He dropped out of school, they moved in together. That didn't work so he moved back home and they shared visitation. The little girl was 18 months old when he found out it was NOT his child.
Life altering situation that didn't need to happen.</p>

80

<p>
[quote]
This should be a good enough reminder to use condoms and birth control every time.

[/quote]

And maybe not sleep with someone unless you've known them for a lot longer than 3 months?</p>