<p>College confidential is not the place to get advice for something as serious as this. Talk to an adult you trust and have gotten good advice from before.</p>
<p>
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Adoption I would be okay with, abortion is against my religion, I'm Catholic.
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</p>
<p>So you're a Catholic and thought pre-marital sex was OK, birth control was OK, the morning after pill would have been OK (all of which are not exactly OK with Catholic values) but "abortion" is not OK? </p>
<p>I suppose I don't really understand the selective application of morals here... either you subscribed to them or you don't but the whole picking and choosing thing doesn't quite fly with me. The pill and the morning after pill are both forms of abortion since they kill off a fertilized egg that, if left alone, could become a human so I don't quite understand the "some methods of abortion are OK but others aren't" idea either. </p>
<p>On the larger picture, you just have to get the test done and see what happens then go from there. I suppose this goes to show that even the pill isn't perfect.</p>
<p>Why didn't you use a condom? You're partly to blame, and I'm disgusted at the posters who blame only the girl.</p>
<p>Also, if you believe in God, maybe this is his or her pay of punishing you for something you did. Or maybe this is your fate according to God? Too bad. Keep praying though!</p>
<p>I dont understand why all you people are telling him what he should have done or asking him to explain himself. He is obviously in a difficult state of mind and is trying to weigh his options.</p>
<p>After three months of being with this girl, you really shouldn't make a choice that would get you two closer. I think its great that you want the best for the child, but it is possible that the best maybe adoption. If not adoption, you can help by child support, maybe help out the mother by other means, but marrying is definitely not a good option. You should never marry for other reasons besides love (sounds cliche, but somewhat true). If it doesn't work out between you and the mother, you can still be a part of the child's life, assuming that you two are mature adults that want the best for the child.</p>
<p>^ all this is assuming that she is indeed pregnant with your baby. You should always make sure with these kinds of things. I heard of a story of a guy who had a vasectomy and the girlfriend didnt know and tried to tell him that she was pregnant with his baby. Of course he knew that she either wasn't pregnant, or she was screwing around. He ditched her quick.</p>
<p>Look at your budget and eliminate anything that is not necessary. That money may come in handy in a few months!</p>
<p>Talk to your detachment commander. He/she probably has a plan for this kind of thing...and they need to know anyway. They may be able to give some invaluable advice.</p>
<p>Talking to a counselor, priest/pastor, trusted person, etc. is in order. You need advice from those who want to see you do well and are slightly detached from your stress.</p>
<p>Sit down and discuss your options with those trusted people and your girlfriend. If you decide in a vacuum, it may not work well.</p>
<p>NeedsHelp:I I am about, I don't know, 16 months ahead of you. I decided to get married. In my case, my wife (I am quite convinced) knew what she was doing when she got pregnant. Of course, without getting into really gritty details, I was there owning 50% of the situation. But we're in this situation because of her manipulations.</p>
<p>I don't want to suggest there are complete parallels -- I am further along in life and my wife gets a green card out of our marriage. But as I made my decisions, I wish somebody had laid things out for me the way I want to do for you -- and the way others have on this thread. I am not sure any of decisions would have essentially changed, but I might have handled some things very differently.</p>
<p>Your decision tree is as follows, IMO:</p>
<p>1) How do you feel about your wife? Don't put pressure on yourself and don't listen to anybody but your own heart. Is she someone you would really want to marry? Is she someone you might want to marry but are not sure yet? Is she someone you definitely don't want to marry? Be honest. The only right answer is the one you feel to be true. Don't convince yourself of your feelings because one thing sounds better than another. Don't think of it in terms of "well, she's going to be the mother of my child; I have to find a way to love her."
2) If you think you really want to marry, work towards that. If you are not sure, tell her you are not sure. (And if you are not sure, don't marry her but make plans to stay with her.) If you don't want to, tell her you don't want to. BUT BEFORE YOU DO THE LATTER TWO THINGS READ NUMBER 7 BELOW.
3) Where it gets complicated is if you really don't want to be with her, but you want to be very actively involved with the life of the child. If this is the case, consult a lawyer in your state (or order a relevant book from Nolo Press Nolo:</a> Law Books, Legal Forms and Legal Software I think it is) and find out what you need to do to assert joint custody. I am not sure if this is possibility unless you marry her for a time. Otherwise, you may be at the mercy of what she wants even though you have proven paternity. But frankly I have no idea; consult a lawyer.
4) Think now very clearly if you can about whether you want to be only paying child support for this child or if you want to be more or less actively involved in his or her life. Personally, it just wasn't possible for me to imagine that I wouldn't be involved in the life of my child. That's a personal decision, and I think the best thing you can do is make a clear decision. You have to really think through this decision. It has all sorts of implications. She can use the child to jerk you around if she has main custody but you want to be involved with the child and not her. If you later meet a woman you really want to marry, you may be judged on the basis of how you handled this situation. What will you think and feel seeing the child 5 years from now if you absent yourself from his or her world? Sit and ponder all this stuff.
5) If you decide to be connected with the life of your child and act accordingly, you can't really go back. Once you've bonded with the child he/she will be yours for your life if you are as you sound. I am in a bit of sticky wicket now because I love my child more than life itself -- I chose to bond with her -- but I may lose her and/or face an international custody battle now that my wife and I are probably going to divorce. If you are connected to your child, you need to establish protections for yourself so that your girlfriend can't just up and leave your state with the child and move where she wants when she wants. Again, talk to your lawyer. This situation happened to a friend of mine and his girlfriend just took off one day across the country with the baby; he was devastated, and he had done nothing to protect himself. Marriage, and the divorce process, affords that protection.
6) Your girlfriend needs to get a full-time job. This could be a good litmus test for whether she is worth all the trouble. If she's not willing to do it, you have to ask yourself in what other ways she intends to use or manipulate you. You should NOT derail a plan or path that you were on for the purposes of this marriage or child. Everyone will be better off if you find a way to stay on that path.
7) This may sound bad, but here goes. It might make a lot of sense to marry your girlfriend just about no matter how you feel. This will make her feel more secure and more likely to do the things to help you secure your future. You really need this. In the end, it will help you, her, and the child if you do this. She could work and support you to best extent possible while you finish up doing the things you need to do for your future.
8) One choice you could make is to pay child support and just move on. This is what my very religious mother recommended for me after spending time with both of us. She suspected the same things your mother seems to. I have to say he was pretty clued in to a lot of things with her motherly intuition. It's not that I was clueless or even that I think I ultimately made the wrong decision. But in your situation vs. mine, I could easily see that being the wrong decision.
9) I think it's likely that your girlfriend did this on purpose based on what your post. Don't feel guilted into something you can't do. If you decide to marry and raise a family, it's hard work. It's very rewarding, but it's hard. And in that difficulty particularly of the first year, one is susceptible to getting really bitter for instance about being trapped. I have mostly avoided getting too concerned about this mostly because I love my daughter. But I've gone there too sometimes. If you think you'll hate her and the baby, pay attention to that. And act accordingly. You are only obligated to do what is required by law and your own sense of what is right. People can't make these decisions for you.
10) The bit that you said about her not being affectionate with you is not a good sign. It could be that you are out of sync only in this way, but something tells me it's about more than that. And it doesn't sound good. The kind of incompatibility I am imagining is not going to be promising for a long-term relationship. But take or leave this kind of advice from an internet site.
11) Your life is absolutely not ruined if you take clear action backed up by clear thinking. I am not going to bs you; this whole thing is expensive and time-consuming. But think this all through and you'll be fine.</p>
<p>Keep your chin up. </p>
<p>Good luck. Reread this post and all the others several times. And talk to people. I got caught up in a sense of responsibility that made me try to hard to make a marriage work that wasn't that good. I don't regret trying. I don't regret at all bonding with my daughter. I just would have talked about marriage differently.</p>
<p>On a completely different note: make sure she is taking daily prenatal multivitamins, molecularly distilled fish oil (<a href="http://www.coromege.com%5B/url%5D">www.coromege.com</a> is one damn good fish oil product that can be ordered more cheaply from some pharmacy websites, but I get no commission and there are several good products like Arctic Pure from Source Naturals), regularly eat eggs and get extra choline on full stomach (GNC sells choline). And of course make sure she doesn't drink or smoke. These things will help guarantee greater health for your child, avoid some problems like pre-clampsia (and some even think fish oil helps prevent autism), and enhance brain power of your child.</p>
<p>I let you know if she is pregnant or not Saturday cause she is on the other side of the country right now. I hope to God she is not, and if she isn't we are done for! If she is, I will try to go for adoption, or I'll just pay as much child support as I can while going to school because if I don't get my commission or a degree, life is almost not worth living. Also how much child support will I have to pay on a $350per month paycheck (if I withdraw my "life" savings it could be $450 per month)? She makes roughly $1,600 ($300-400 a week) a month after tax when she is working her full time job as a nanny for kids with mental disabilities. </p>
<p>I can't believe this! I've busted my ass to get where I am, and I wouldn't be getting an education if I hadn't! Now I see my life, my future going into ruins....I did not want to have a child this way, I wanted a career and a marriage first...I'm just afraid if she pregnant I'm going to hate her and the child. The only solution I see is adoption because it is impossible for me to support it and support myself, hell I can't even support just myself. You know, to live a life of minimum wage, paying child support and no hope is no life at all, I would rather blow my brains out then go through that for my next 20 years. Which, by time I will be 40 working at KFC at $8.00 an hour. No, I'm not contemplating suicide I'm just trying to describe how I feel right now.</p>
<p>" Her and I made a deal before we started having sex is that if she got pregnant I would marry her for the kid, and the family (I do love and care about her). I'm just really scared cause I think my career and life is ruined and there is almost no point on living."</p>
<p>After you find out for sure whether your girlfriend is pregnant (Go with her to a doctor so you can be sure of the results if she says she's pregnant), talk to a responsible adult such as a professional psychologist or social worker, chaplain or your own parents.</p>
<p>While you promised to marry her if she got pregnant, that's not a good idea since you barely know her. In most cases, such marriages do not last. There are promises that are bad promises that one should not keep.</p>
<p>If she is pregnant, it is under law her decision about whether to abort. If she chooses to keep the child, of course you owe child support and you would owe it to the child to be an active father. Child support is something that would be decided by, I believe, a court. Your girlfriend is not likely to be able to afford to continue working as a nanny after having her own child unless the people whom she works for allow her to bring her child to their home, something that many people would not do. </p>
<p>Have you ever seen the film "An Officer and a Gentleman"? Men in line to be commissioned officers can look like very good catches to women in dead end careers. Good reason to know someone very, very, very well before having sex with them, and also using a back-up method that you're in charge of.</p>
<p>NeedsHelp08: No one will be helped if you derail your plans and go a minimum wage route. You will be bitter and maybe even hateful and you won't be able to support your family well. I hate to say this, but two things are true: 1) It is likely a marriage wouldn't last just because you don't know one another well. 2) Marriage may be the best way of getting through the next few years -- caring for the family, her, etc. That doesn't mean marriage has to be permanent.</p>
<p>It is good you love her and care about her. There may be a really good basis for a full marriage. If you go that route work hard to make it work and then you'll find out.</p>
<p>NeedsHelp: Go directly to the counseling center at your school and talk to a professional. They can help you think through how to talk to your girlfriend and, if she is pregnant, with your parents and others who care about you. No 20-year-old, however mature and responsible, should go through this alone.</p>
<p>Another vote for adoption. This baby deserves a two-parent family and it sounds like she lacks the emotional maturity needed to be a decent mother, look into Catholic adoption services and talk to your priest. Believe me he has heard this before.</p>
<p>^^^^</p>
<p>Adoption would be a great route. However, it will be her choice legally. And it sounds like she has a lot of this situation lined up right where she wants it. She's not likely, perhaps, to opt for that.</p>
<p>
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She's not likely, perhaps, to opt for that.
[/quote]
She may, if he won't marry her.</p>
<p>Well my view is if she is pregnant I think it is best for the child to be adopted, because I cannot possibly support it for at least another 3-4 years! It is not fair to the child to have two parents married because the child was a mistake! Or to have a single mother parent taking care of it and only getting $100 a month via child support till it is four years-old and having almost no relationship with it's father because it's father is trying to support it with what little money he makes while trying to have his dream career and to fulfill his obligation to his country. I personally think adoption is the only fair method for the child, to hopefully have a loving family that can provide for it and hopefully it never knows it was adopted. I understand I have a duty to the child, to myself and to the mother. I just want to do the honorable thing, while not ruining my future and all the parties involved. I know it is my mistake, I know I was trapped into it, but what matters is the child's future and mine (the mother is second priority as far as I am concerned). </p>
<p>What is selfish is to abort the child, what isn't is to give it up for adoption to have a better life than what it can have with us at this point and time....</p>
<p>I am going to take a big leap here and tell you that from what oyu have shared here, that your GF is going to want to keep the baby. And you will be stuck with that result. </p>
<p>As for marriage, going into saying that she trapped you is going to only make for one ugly marriage very likely ending in divorce.</p>
<p>IF you decide to get married, you need to go into letting go of all the stuff that got you to that place- the anger, the disapointment, etc, otherwise you will have a misserable lfe.</p>
<p>As a lesson for others, why did you continue a relationship, a sexual one, with somehone who seems so shady? That you yourself admit was manipulative and had issues.</p>
<p>
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What is selfish is to abort the child
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</p>
<p>Yo, it ain't a child yet. It's a loose aggregation of organic cells with all the awareness and conscious experience of your appendix. </p>
<p>Whether or not you believe it has a soul, that terminating it is murder, etc., that's all you. But it's not a kid by any definition, just like a child isn't an adult.</p>
<p>Hmm, 5 days late isn't a huge deal. Especially if she's stressed or has recently lost or gained a lot of weight- apparently it's normal for some women to skip a period a year. </p>
<p>Er, I was just looking up info on this because didn't get mine for Febuary (yeah haha great information to share on the net, but it could help). I don't even have sex, so it's obvious that it can happen naturally too...</p>
<p>Note: If she actually is pregnant, I think you've gotten plenty of good advice for your options from there.</p>
<p>IMO:</p>
<p>If you want her to give up the baby, you must always put her first. Telling her, who will have to carry the baby for nine months, that it will be best for YOU might not be the best idea. Be persuasive and tell her how this will be the best for BOTH OF YOU (use the term 'we' as much as possible). </p>
<p>Know that there are people who choose adoption, but then back out at the last minute. Also, if she does choose adoption, you will probably have to care for her throughout her nine month pregnacy and be with her throughout labour. Even if she did this purposely, I still think it's most appropriate for you to do this.</p>
<p>Watch the hormones. If you guys didn't have a stronger relationship before, this ordeal could make it worse. But it could also solidify your relationship too.</p>
<p>Just because she is pregnant you don't have to marry her. Don't marry her; it honestly seems like you don't want to -you yourself said that she is now second priority. </p>
<p>Marrying her just to have her help you is, IMO, just as manipulative as what she did to you. Don't give her that message. With the 50% divorce rate in America, do you really think it will last? And when it ends in divorce, say years later, how much more damage will that do to her and to your child? </p>
<p>You say that you have a duty to the child, then realize it. If you don't want to marry this woman, and she still wants to have this child (and not chose adoption), then you will have to get a job and pay child support. Will it be much? No. But the government will deem what is necessary for you to pay and will also help her out too. What about her family -will they care for her?</p>
<p>You have said that you love/care for her. But now, with this huge responsibility looming, you don't seem as if you feel as strongly to her as you did before. This, IMO, is not a good basis for marriage especially with all those negative feelings you have towards her. Could you spend the night with her for four years. FOUR YEARS. Then divorce her? She'll hate your guts...even more than you hate hers right now.</p>
<p>BASICALLY</p>
<p>1.) Don't marry her. It honestly doesn't seem like the right thing to do your in situation. Also, do you think you can get a degree with a wife like that and a child to take care of?</p>
<p>2.) Propose adoption. Tell her it's mainly for her benefit (ask her if she really wanted to have a kid so soon in the realtionship). Tell her how it will be better for you to be with her with a BA. Whatever. Be Persuasive.</p>
<p>3.) Assume responsibility. Do what you can. You're still really young, so the government will help. Don't quite school and, you know what, nobody expects you too. Most people will even try to support you. The government will too. Try to be with the child as often as you can be. If you have a child, the child comes first (that means you have to get a degree to support your child in the future...). No more partying, whatever. Probably no more girlfriends too until after you graduate. This is reality. And a lot of people had similar situations and work it out. You'll find a way.</p>
<p>Oh, sorry. Forgot this:</p>
<p>When you propose adoption, if she seems really reluctant and seems like she really wants to tie you down drop the B bomb. Tell her that you will be there for the child, but not for her -Break up. </p>
<p>If she seems really insecure, keep reassuring her that it's the best thing for both you. Give her persuasive, reassuring points, but be there for her.</p>