<p>Have you ever seen the movie from the late 80s When Harry Met Sally? Whether you like it or not (not my favorite), one of its themes is the question of whether a man and woman can ever be friends, given the underlying sexual tensions that are inevitably there on one or both sides. It's a fair question.</p>
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and then you are going to come along and say, well maybe that guy just wants to be friends with you, then obviously there is some sort of disconnect.
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<p>You are quite right: there may be a disconnect. Oh, I thought you were a guy. I think I would have responded differently had I known otherwise.</p>
<p>It seems to me that the easiest way to avoid what happens/ed to you is at some point to talk about really directly, thus: "You know, John, I really like you, but you do know that I have no interest in having a boyfriend, right?" "Right, John?" "You are a close friend, but that is all." " I am not trying to play hard to get or being coy, I really am not."</p>
<p>Maybe you have done that. In some cases even that might not be enough. And in other cases, you may need to periodically remind them, which is awkward in several respects. The guy's feelings may change (and turn more lu****l or loving) and he may assume that yours are changing at the same time as his are (which happens a lot too).</p>
<p>It may be that almost always or often there is an underlying sexual tension/connection that occurs when men and women talk. I am not talking about an explicit urge to have sex, something more subtle. But that doesn't mean everytime a guy talks to a woman that he is hoping for/expecting sex. Statistically speaking, he may think about it, but that's also true of women according to the same statistics (just not AS true). </p>
<p>And even if there is sexual tension, it doesn't mean it will be acted on. One of my closest female friends developed a huge crush on me and I actually was really, really in love with her in a way. But I KNEW we'd make a lousy couple and I valued our friendship more than the great time I knew I'd have in bed with her; I resisted the urge to sleep with her, sometimes just barely. Her crush passed and then she got a boyfriend. One time I told her "sometimes I thought I just should have slept with you." And she told me it would have killed her. We lived in a state of superbly elevated sexual tension, but we didn't cave into it, and for obvious reasons I am really glad we didn't. [Ha, there was one time I had called a mutual friend and told him that she was coming over to hang at my house and that I didn't think I could resist her. We both agreed that I should rub one out, though I can't remember if I actually did.] She's still a close friend, though the driven energy of wanting to be together isn't as palpable as it was when the underlying sexual tension was there.</p>
<p>If a guy blames you for leading him on, I take it it's a situation in which you've just told him that you're not interested. He may have hazarded an attempt at a kiss or something more, and most guys don't take rejection well. It's a time when they are making themselves vulnerable. So they'll lash out and say that you led them on.</p>
<p>I would say you've learned the hard reality that sex is a very complicating factor in adult relationships. Don't be naive and think that "it" isn't there a lot as a hidden agenda, and so, adjust your behavior accordingly. </p>
<p>But also, if I can say this, try not to be bitter. No one can expect you to read his mind, but at the same time, you can't expect him to read yours. When men and women are together, friendship often leads to intimacy to a relationship. This can happen even if you started out with a really explicit agreement to the contrary. You need to be explicit and you need to repeat it. To a certain extent, it's fair for him to assume that if you are opening up to a certain level of closeness that more will follow. And, furthermore, people fall in love. The guy who wants to sleep with you who has been around you becoming your friend may have developed some strong feelings for you. Telling him you just want to be friends is a buzzkill to say the least. You have to use your intuition about whether the situation is going in that direction. You can't blame him in this case for having feelings for you (isn't it nice to be loved) -- and you may have to take charge and end the friendship before someone gets really hurt. I let my friend who had the crush on me be around me ('cause she knew I had a girlfriend, albeit a completely dead relationship) so I figured this shielded me from the "leading her on" charge. In retrospect, maybe I was wrong. Who knows?</p>
<p>Oh, and with respect to the people who just make the simple statement that a guy just wants to get into your pants and you can never mean anything else, in my view, that's the viewpoint of someone who is relatively new to the knowledge that sexual tension is alway there on some level. While sex is always a subtext, it doesn't mean its the only one. A lot of other forces come into play.</p>
<p>I didn't need to pretend you were a lesbian. I take you at your word that you're not interested. If I were your strictly platonic male friend, I'd probably be curious to know more, but this an anonymous posting. That's the beauty of it.</p>