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I mean if you started talking to some girl for whatever reason, and she started off by saying "let's establish that I'm not going to date you and if that's all you want, go away" first...wouldn't you find that weird?
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<p>Yes, that would be weird as well as presumptuous. You have to use your intuition as to when it's neither too early nor too late. At the appropriate time early enough on, you could just tell a story about when it happened to you before and drop into the conversation that you wouldn't want that happening again with the current friend. (I know you've already done this, so remember people's feelings change over time and they don't "stick to the contract" so you may have to repeat yourself. And/or later you need to be blunt.</p>
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So if someone actually starts talking to me I go into my whole "must make effort to make friends" mode, which basically consists of saying "yes" if they invite me to do something for fear that if I say "no", no one will invite me to anything ever again (which has happened, btw), and actually attempting to make conversation with the person if they start talking to me in class or if they send me an im.
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<p>But your eagerness could be easily misunderstood. Put yourself in the other person's shoes for a minute. </p>
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But from your reaction, it seems if I did that, you'd just say i'm not being straightforward enough and break off the friendship.
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<p>MightyNick's got a point. The thing is your needs are, to be honest, at odds with the normal progression of things that I talked about above. If you want to have a friendship with a guy, you are going to have to accept the fact that that possibility is always there. Most of the friendships I've had with women have had a greater or lesser amount of sublimated sexual tension or even repressed romantic feelings. And usually one person feels that more strongly than the other, whether it's the guy or the girl. I think it borders on the unfair to think that a guy needs to just get in line with your friendship needs, without regard to where his feelings and desires might lie. You need to manage his expectations. You need to understand where he's coming from. He has needs too (and I am not talking sexual either alone or necessarily predominantly).</p>
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Unless someone's a manwhore, why would he want to pursue a romantic relationship with you from the beginning without even knowing you? Even if I found you very attractive the moment i saw you, i wouldn't come up to you and say, "I really like you. Can you be my gf". I would obviously like to know you first and hope that you're not a b****. But from your reaction, it seems if I did that, you'd just say i'm not being straightforward enough and break off the friendship.
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<p>Would it take you 3 months to suddenly come to the decision of whether you liked me or not, though? Months of acting like a completely platonic friend and then all of a sudden going completely in the opposite direction? And I have never broken off a friendship with any of my male "friends"...like I said before, once I'm forced to point out that I don't like them and never did, I never hear from them again.</p>
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But your eagerness could be easily misunderstood. Put yourself in the other person's shoes for a minute.
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<p>I wouldn't think most people would consider having a conversation with someone to be a sign of eagerness or that I like them, since that's normal for most people and is only an increased effort for shy people. Again it's not like I flirt with people or go out of my way to contact them or call them or whatever, and I've always figured that my problem with making friends in general is that what I think is expending a lot of effort to talk to them, they think involves no effort at all and means that I don't actually care for them much.</p>
<p>As far as using my intuition...my intuition always tells me that the person's interested in being friends and nothing else, so obviously that's not working so well for me. </p>
<p>It's funny because I was talking to one of my online guy friends (I don't have any problems with being friends with them, oddly enough, I guess because they can't ever date me anyway) and he suggested, as a solution, to tell them I already have a boyfriend when they ask. Which is so brilliantly simple and is almost what I would do (I don't want to get stuck making up some big elaborate lie so I would just say that I don't have one and I don't want one, why do you ask?)....except that no one actually asks me that. Ever. Or even skirts around the question by making statements referring to my boyfriend and then waiting for me to either agree or say I don't have one. You would think that if you were interested in someone, that would be the first thing you tried to find out.</p>
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Would it take you 3 months to suddenly come to the decision of whether you liked me or not, though?
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<p>Read what I said:
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When men and women are together, friendship often leads to intimacy to a relationship. This can happen even if you started out with a really explicit agreement to the contrary.
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<p>Over time, familiarity and comfort level can breed romantic feelings -- a lot. Be advised. That's one of the things you don't seem to understand -- and feelings can change.</p>
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I go into my whole "must make effort to make friends" mode
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<p>But you may be showing an interest where others who want to dissuade romantic interest might not.</p>
<p>If I were you, if you feel comfortable, I would mention that you have a boyfriend as your friend says. You can do this really easily: "once my boyfriend and I...." Don't wait for them to ask. Throw it smoothly into a conversation. It's not necessarily going to solve your problem of guys falling for you over time, but it will help you put a stop to "you led me on" accusations. The thing is if the guy becomes your close friend, you're still going to have to stick with the lie. Maybe you should say your bf's a Russian Astronaut or in prison or in med school or something 'cause no visits in 6 months begins to look unrealistic.</p>
<p>If, for instance, I am friends with you, and 1 month into our friendship I go off on a little rant about how I hate when guys pretend to be your friend and then all of a sudden try to kiss you (as a hint, hint sort of deal), and you agree that that's ***ty and you'd never do it and you like being my friend and so on.....and then several months later your feelings change, *why on earth would you turn around and do the very thing I told you I hate? This is what they do, and this is what I don't understand. Do they think that just because their feelings changed mine must obviously have changed too (even though I gave absolutely no signals to indicate that)? It's still the same issue of boy and girl are friends, boy likes girl, boy does not stop to consider whether girl likes boy and just assumes that she does, boy makes moves on girl, girl responds badly, boy blames girl and stop speaking to her. </p>
<p>I mean I did get one guy who actually told me that he liked me and asked if there was the possibility of us ever being a couple...and then I got to say that no I didn't like him that way at the moment but I still considered him a good friend (and then he got to get on with not speaking to me ever again). If everyone would do that, it wouldn't be such a problem...but practically no one does that.</p>
<p>I actually want to be (long term) friends with these people and obviously, if I made up some elaborate story about some boyfriend I don't have, that's going to end up backfiring in my face if I do become good friends with them. I don't want to do that. How am I supposed to show interest in being friends with people without having to make up lies and without having them assume that friendly interest = romantic interest? I seriously think I'm going to stick with my "don't ever talk to boys" theory. :(</p>
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Do they think that just because their feelings changed mine must obviously have changed too (even though I gave absolutely no signals to indicate that)?
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<p>Yes, that is often what people -- particularly romantic newbies -- often think. Look what I said:</p>
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The guy's feelings may change (and turn more lu****l or loving) and he may assume that yours are changing at the same time as his are (which happens a lot too).
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If everyone would do that, it wouldn't be such a problem...but practically no one does that.
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Most people won't. It takes a lot of guts.</p>
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I seriously think I'm going to stick with my "don't ever talk to boys" theory.
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<p>It would be the easiest -- or do what I said above....</p>
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It's still the same issue of boy and girl are friends, boy likes girl, boy does not stop to consider whether girl likes boy and just assumes that she does, boy makes moves on girl, girl responds badly, boy blames girl and stop speaking to her.
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<p>I don't know what kind of guys or age group you are talking about, but boys needs to make the move in romantic situations and take the risk that they'll get rejected. And they can get really *<strong><em>y and put out when rejected. Now, I know you'll say that these weren't romantic situations, but feelings change and read again what I said above. How about if you just responded by saying: "Eric, you know that I've said a thousand times I don't want a boyfriend, you goof," and laughing it off. Don't get really p</em></strong>ed and don't make him feel like a jerk. It's not clear that he invested 3 months in a relationship with you (of a friend variety) just to get into your pants. You may think that, but guys that only have that in mind don't wait for 3 months, in my experience. You can be peeved that he's throwing you for some sort of loop, but feeling he's betrayed your entire friendship is not understanding where he's coming from. Just a thought, without knowing in fact how you dealt with it.</p>
<p>These would be late high school/college age people that I am talking about...if they are still emotionally/romantically immature then, how long do I have to keep waiting for them to reach maturity?</p>
<p>I try to be nice when I "reject" people, but I feel like I am being patronizing sometimes. And there is also the fact that what they do makes me feel extremely uncomfortable sometimes - I'm not a big touchy feely person - and it's hard for me to react with a sense of humor if I am trying to fight down the urge to run screaming into the night.</p>
<p>And the fact remains that once he finds out I don't like him, he immediately ditches me....and what am I supposed to think after that? That he thought I was such an awesome friend he decided to unceremoniously dump me and then go off and complain about me? I have a hard time buying that, sorry. Maybe I just attract creeps, or something.</p>
<p>Blah De Blah i really don't get you. If you really like that guy and if he's such an awesome friend, why do you freak out when he shows his feelings for you? </p>
<p>I get the feeling that you aren't human. You could reciprocate the love you know and make the guy feel better? I mean, what's so wrong in being his gf when you two like each other?</p>
<p>BlahBlah: Um, some questions: why aren't you cultivating more friends with girls, if friendships with guys are so fraught with problems? And are you really sure you're not sending mixed messages? You did after all just use the word "attract" and you seemed put out earlier that guys weren't asking you if you had a boyfriend. I am going to level with you that the story's not completely adding up for me. Why are you so full of urge to run screaming into the night when a guy hits on you? A lot of women can brush off a come-on pretty easily and with a fair amount of humor. I think maturity needs to occur all the way around in this case. Something's going on and it's not just because of a bunch of delusional creeps; I assume you were friends with those boys for some substantial reasons.</p>
<p>I meant "attract" in the sense that rotting fruit "attracts" flies. It's not like the fruit grows legs and wanders around looking for them...they just show up. I want them to ask me if I have a boyfriend so I can tell them that I don't have one and don't want one, and that way they know that if they were asking that to figure out whether I was available, they can just move on. And no, sorry, when I'm sitting next to some friend of mine on the couch and he keeps getting up to do some random thing, and sitting down closer to me, which makes me move an equal distance farther away from him until I have no place left to move to and I'm squished in the corner, and then he leans over and tries to kiss me, all of this out of absolutely ****ing *nowhere, I am not going to laugh it off because I don't think it's funny. It's creepy. Either learn to take hints or identify at a distance the people who wouldn't be bothered by that sort of behavior. </p>
<p>And you'll have to ask all the girls I've tried to be friends of why they don't like me, because I don't actually know. I figure it's because they made their core group of friends the first month of freshman year and don't want anybody new.</p>
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Blah De Blah i really don't get you. If you really like that guy and if he's such an awesome friend, why do you freak out when he shows his feelings for you?</p>
<p>I get the feeling that you aren't human. You could reciprocate the love you know and make the guy feel better? I mean, what's so wrong in being his gf when you two like each other?
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<p>And I get the feeling that you're exactly like these guys and would have done exactly the same in their situation. I like to keep people who are awesome friends as friends. Keyword here: friend. Note the lack of the word "boy" in front of it. Why should I feel obliged to be the girlfriend of someone I'm not romantically attracted to just to make him feel better? Do you really expect people to date you just because it'd be nicer (for you) than rejecting you? That's absurd.</p>
<p>Okay, I'm stumped. I give up. But you did say earlier you wanted them as friends and now you are saying they are like fruit flies and certifiably creepy. If you are so ambivalent (perhaps so passive) about the guys who show up to befriend you, I think you may need to be more choosy and send up some really clear "stay away from me" vibes to the ones you really don't want to be around. And you don't have to wait to declare that you don't want a boyfriend. You could say, after a decent interval, "you know, I am really glad you aren't like the rest of guy friends Ive had who seem to want just to be boy/girlfriend. I really like the fact that we are just friends and nothing more. That's how I like it."</p>
<p>Anyway, do this and/or other things I've suggested, knowing that it's a risk and may not work always -- or just blow guys off. It's ultimately not that complicated. Best of luck.</p>
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Ya' know whatt "Bed Head" or w/e, guys need to learn some etiquette, OK? Whether the girl is ****ing ugly or not, he should still date her.
<p>I think there's irony being attempted here, but I am missing the point of it....</p>
<p>Did you ever think I was suggesting that either side should be courteous and just date the other? I think that is thoroughly irrelevant to anything that's been said here by me.</p>
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blahdeblah have u ever been attracted to guys?
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<p>Yes, just not the ones that I happen to be friends with. Please don't pull out the "if she's not boy crazy she must be a lesbian!" argument...that got old when I was 13.</p>
<p>The thing with guy friends is...I'm not sure how to properly explain it but it makes sense in my head. I don't actually actively seek out guy friends, go places and do things specifically for the purpose of becoming friends with a guy, but if I happen to encounter one and we happen to end up becoming friends then ok, that's nice. Now in order for that to happen, the guy would have to end up approaching me and starting conversations and whatnot. And for some reason, all of them seem to be nice and interesting and whatever other qualities you want as a friend in the beginning...and then they turn around and start acting a bit like creeps after a while. Which is why I say I 'attract' creeps, because it essentially starts off with them coming to me and not vice versa. Maybe "socially awkward" is the phrase I'm looking for here instead of "creep". </p>
<p>And I have gotten guys that I didn't like/didn't have anything in common with/whatever start talking to me and I assure you I usually have no problems giving off "stay away" vibes...I am probably too good at that, actually.</p>