Goals of a LOA

Parents Forum
1

<p>Regular poster here, trying to maintain some privacy.</p>

<p>Am looking for experiences and thoughts on a leave of absence. My student did not do well last term (2.33 and an incomplete). Is not on academic probation, has not lost merit scholarship, overall GPA is ~3.1 in a STEM major at a top school. Is a rising junior. Plans on grad school. Has done spectacularly well in a number of things that will help him with graduate school applications. Has worked very, very hard to develop a meaningful social life.</p>

<p>He has been able to get by without study skills for a long, long time. He bought into to his dad's philosophy that he can conquer anything by force of will. If he applies enough intellectual throwweight at it, of COURSE he can do it! Well, that ain't working so well these days. If it's not interesting to him, he lets it slide while he does other work, then tries to catch up, and by that point, he is toast. He panics and doesn't tell anyone. He has contacted profs when he needs rescheduling, but tells us he is working very hard, but not that he is foundering. No drugs or alcohol involved at all. Was diagnosed with ADD inattentive years ago, but has never had accommodations. I suspect he is starting on schoolwork long afer his meds have worn off.</p>

<p>S was supposed to study overseas this fall, but am loath to send him and have him crash and burn without any supports. I know there are some underlying emotional issues going on, and they are expressing as difficulties in prioritizing and organizing work, a lack of study skills, and panic when he can't get focused on what intellectually, he knows he needs to do. He is obsessed with research and the interesting theories that cram his thoughts; they push out things like, oh, distribution requirements (even though he says he loves those courses, too). </p>

<p>S has been working non-stop since the day he graduated HS, either on classes or paying work. No substantive breaks, which I think is also an issue.</p>

<p>DH refuses to pay for any more school and demands S comes home and gets his head on straight. DH refers to it as S earning "redemption." S is panicked at the loss of intellectual stimulation. Therapy will be part of the deal while S is home and he is on board with that. He is also involved with a couple of ECs at school and we have no problem with him traveling to school a couple of times during the term to be involved with those. We are anticipating this will be a one term LOA. </p>

<p>Questions:<br>
-- How does one determine goals and criteria for success when a student is home on a LOA?
-- How does one work on study skills and balancing conflicting priorities when one is not enrolled in school?
-- What are the pitfalls we should watch out for?
-- How does one work out transitional issues with the school when one heads back?
-- How much leverage should we still have as parents? S pays for a significant chunk of his COA, but is not able to pay the entire thing himself. OTOH, should S get defiant or desperate, he has enough in the bank to pay to live in his college town while he is on leave. Should he do that, I have no doubt DH will turn off the financial faucet. Period.</p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

2

<p>My son will be on a LOA this coming school year. I have some goals in my mind, but I like the idea of formalizing them. I’ll be anxious to read the responses.</p>

3

<p>The leave of absence may be a good idea if productive things can be accomplished during that time. </p>

<p>BUT…resources for improving study skills are available primarily on campus, for enrolled students. It would be hard for a student to get access to those resources if he is either on a leave of absence or studying abroad.</p>

<p>So one thought might be to find out whether the study abroad can be postponed, allowing your son to be a regular on-campus student during the fall semester. Then, the highest priority would be for him to work on study skills, medication management, and other issues that are interfering with academic success.</p>

4

<p>LOA sounds a bit like over-reaction. He isn’t even on academic probation and his scholarship is in tact.</p>

<p>You say he has worked insanely hard since high school – a semester abroad may have been a great way for him to recharge and get a new perspective on school, study, gain insights on himself – but you yanked that away. I understand the loathing to pay for it when he just tanked a semester, but in context he seems to have been doing well.</p>

<p>A 3.1 is GREAT for someone in a STEM degree.</p>

<p>It really feels as if you are over-parenting this moment. I would have given the student another semester to straighten out his academic act. I would have also offered to let him take a LOA if the <em>student</em> felt he needed a breather. </p>

<p>But this is a case of the parents deciding their son isn’t doing well enough – when the college is perfectly happy with his progress! Why the panic by the parents over one bungled semester? </p>

<p>Why are you trying to control your son to such a degree? Your questions are all about control and a hint of punishment. It sounds like (from the list of questions) the parents want to demote the adult son to about age 16 and micromanage all the “goals and outcomes”. How humiliating after maintaining a 3.1 in a STEM degree and having bungled a single semester to be yanked back into living at home with mom and dad, having financial threats of having all support for college withdrawn, and having mom run around on the internet looking for ways to manage his life as if it requires rules and therapeutic goals.</p>

<p>Just another perspective. If drugs, depression, addiction to video games were involved I’d have another opinion–probably as outline in OP’s post. But this seems like over-reaction.</p>

5

<p>The study abroad can be postponed for a year, though it means he’d be applying for grad school while overseas. He would very much like to still attend, and I want that for him.</p>

<p>S also tanked a couse in freshman year, which DH viewed as S’s “get out of jail free” card. </p>

<p>Bringing S home is NOT my idea. Trust me. I would rather see him stay in his college town, work with a prof on an independent study (which was already on the table for the coming year), see a therapist and work with his school’s resources. Unfortunately, I can’t pay the bills without his father on board.</p>

<p>GPA has been drifting downward for a while; this last term was the worst yet. The school is known for tough love and grade deflation. Advisor does not seem bothered by with S’s drift.</p>

<p>No drugs, drinking, depression or video games. Anxiety, ADD and power conflicts re: his dad, yes.</p>

6

<p>Frankly, as a parent, I too think you’re over reacting alittle. I also would have been happy that the foreign study was coming up and would have kept that plan in tact. Tanking one class during freshman year is minor, minor “stuff” and the fact that you termed it a “get out of jail free” card is abit much. Trouble is a student is is flunking out, on probation, lost their scholarship, etc. etc. The advisor is not concerned. Your son still has his scholarship, his GPA is still 3.0…and you claim the college is known for grade deflation. Unless there is a whole lot of other “stuff” going on I’m scratching my head wondering why you’d disrupt the flow, postpone the foreign study (which is an excellent time to recharge one’s batteries) , etc. etc.</p>

7

<p>Grade drift downward is not a good sign and can be indicative of a trend. Why wait till he does tank and then has fewer options on the table? </p>

<p>Talk to a mental health counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, psychiatric social worker, someone in the field that is knowledgeable about young adults. Get some handle on the issues and then ask your husband to join you and try to come to some agreement on the situation. I think you need some outside help there, and it has to be gently so he does not feel corralled.</p>

<p>My inclination is to let him go abroad. That is a break from what his life has been, and he just might be academically burned out and need some sort of leave. This might well be what he needs for some rejuvenation. If your H is adamant in not paying for this, get a personal LOA, work with son and counselor in getting a job, and taking some tech time courses at a local or community college that offers some pragmatic job skill. Maybe a semester or two semesters of this will give him a break and enough funds saved to go overseas during the summer, and a successful year like that might loosen up H’s wallet a bit too since son is taking on some responsibility. </p>

<p>Don’t make this look like a punishment. Let your son and H take it as a relief year on the finances as well, when both you and son can put some money away for the rest of the journey. Good luck in this. It is not an easy ride through these years for most of us.</p>

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<p>S has pragmatic career-related job skills, which he is currently using at a well-paying, highly sought-after internship in his college town. He is currently paying ~40% of COA between scholarships, Staffords and work (7-10 hr/wk term-time, FT in summer). Scholarship only requires “satisfactory academic progress” (i.e., staying off academic probation, which is <1.75) so if S loses his scholarship, he is truly having a crisis.</p>

<p>cptofthehouse, the concern is that if this trendline continues, long-term options that S wants start disappearing. If he goes to this overseas program (which will be four-five courses directly tied to what he wants to do in grad school) and tanks them, more options disappear. If he were interested in going to work after graduation, the issues would be far less dire. </p>

<p>momof3sons, DH terms it the “get out of jail free” card, not me. (You can probably see where the real issues are here.)</p>

<p>

DH? :frowning: or S? S has expressed a desire to start therapy, and we went to an appt. last weekend while he was home. S seems eager to work out these issues. DH is not likely to particpate in therapy. Have been asking him for that for years, to no avail.</p>

<p>I am trying to figure out some plan that helps S, respects his autonomy and his goals, and which his father will support. I see benefits and problems with going overseas, a LOA in his college town, staying in school, and a LOA at home. There are pros and cons to each.</p>

9

<p>What about doing something like Americorp, or a program that is work related for a term? the participants have to deal with time management, meeting deadlines, expectations, etc. and he would still have time for therapy. A new envirnoment (that does not cost you) could benefit all parties.</p>

10

<p>I think the best thing to do is involve S in the process. If he craves intellectual stimulation, there are amazing online courses. Maybe some travel in a non-academic setting would replace semester abroad.</p>

<p>Sounds like an awesome kid with parents who really love him. </p>

<p>Every family will handle this in a different way.</p>

<p>As long as a kid knows he’s loved, I think all will be well.</p>

<p>I also think someone this talented will always succeed in life no matter what the bumps and blips are.</p>

<p>Are there other sources of funding so money isn’t used as a stick? If the LOA is mutually agreed on and an obvious benefit, maybe your H could refrain from saying he wouldn’t pay for anything else now.</p>

<p>One tangible goal I had for my D during her Gap year was learning how to drive a car. She was already a college grad but didn’t really find anything worthy to do at home after she graduated. She’d been living in NYC so no chance to drive there. She failed her road test her senior year in HS and never got back to it.</p>

<p>We hadn’t planned on funding a gap year (because we knew we’d have to help her set up when she went to law school.) But circumstances forced us to provide more than we’d planned.</p>

<p>We bought her a VW cabrio (old and used of course) because they’re tiny, she loves them, and she felt she could maneuver them easily. She moved in with a (boy)friend in a state where she thought the road test would be easier than in ours. (It wasn’t.) She practiced with him and felt more comfortable than with us. She failed the first time again, but the second time she passed and got a job that required an hour of driving a day.</p>

<p>She came home with her car (her dad drove it home for her) and has been driving a respectable amount this summer.</p>

<p>It might sound dumb, but I didn’t want to turn a kid who couldn’t drive out into the world, mostly for her sake. It’s an important life skill.</p>

<p>So you may want to pick a non-academic goal and focus on that.</p>

<p>DD is now back in NYC asked if would be too expensive to keep so she can drive it weekends. We are only one and a half hours from NYC by train. So, victory is mine! And she is much more confident and adult knowing she can drive.</p>

<p>I had planned on selling the car for this year’s start up costs, but she got pinned between a car and a bus, and although the car is perfectly drivable, it has serious cosmetic problems now.</p>

<p>Sigh.</p>

<p>BTW: She did get annoyed at how many times I brought up the road test. I didn’t mention money at all, but I think she understand that her half of the contract was that she get a driver’s license. The only problem is that it says Georgia!</p>

<p>Best of luck to your family and your awesome son.</p>

11

<p>The goals that I’d like for my son to embrace include:</p>

<p>taking care of own med refills
getting into some routine of workouts/physical activity
therapy
working and going to community college
making and sticking to a budget</p>

<p>I wish his job offered some kind of regular hours (e.g. the same shifts every week). He really needs routine and structure, so the working different days and hours all the time doesn’t really fit the plan.</p>

12

<p>I realize in order to respect your son’s privacy you need to leave out the identity of the school- but there are schools that meet the description of your son’s school (maybe RPI?) where I would never characterize flunking a class Freshman year as a bungle- the curve is brutal and even well prepared kids find the work challenging. Flunking all his classes? sure, it’s a problem. But unless your son is lying to you and in fact, his advisor recommended taking time off to get his head on straight, I think it’s foolish to think that you can provide academic guidance which is better or more realistic than his advisor.</p>

<p>You are paying for a member of the faculty to assess your son’s progress. If the faculty member is encouraging internship, research, travel abroad, etc. why do you think you have a better handle on the next steps???</p>

<p>If I were you (and I’m not, so I’m very conscious that this may seem harsh) I would be much more concerned about the message your perfectionism is sending to your son than I would be about his GPA. He works, he has a social life, he is involved with ECs that he cares about, he has close relationships with professors… and you’re punishing him over his grades? Like he’s in 4th grade and can’t watch TV until his homework is done?</p>

<p>I would be encouraging him to stay the course. I would be encouraging him to overcome his own perfectionist tendencies which may explain the procrastination, the inability to get help from a tutor, being too proud to join a study group or ask someone who took the course last semester to lend him notes or help him muddle through a problem set or three or six until they can diagnose where he’s weak. I would be encouraging him to finish his degree on time as long as he still loves his courses, but would let him know that if he chooses to take a semester off to re-group I would support him in this.</p>

<p>He may conclude that grad school is not for him, for now, and that he wants to work to have a break after his BS. But derailing his plan now over your fear that his grades aren’t good enough strikes me as very counter productive.</p>

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<p>One thought is: if he learned at his daddy’s knee that he could wing it, and then catch up by force of will, is being at home really the place to work on steady study habits? The messages might get subtly mixed.</p>

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<p>A 2.33 was what, 2 C’s and a B? Is that so awful? What does your son think?</p>

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<p>In my opinion, your son only had one semester that was not great, but it is not like he failed any courses either. He goes to a top school in a difficult major. His overall GPA is fine. I understand that the past semester wasn’t that fine. However, his school did not put him on probation. It seems to me that if you, as parents, have a certain standard you require your son to meet in order to fund his education, that he deserves a “warning” from you guys, a kind of “probation” if you will. I personally would not have a big issue with the grades but respect that you guys might have certain expectations. If you do, I would give your son another semester to get back on track (whatever you consider an OK level…though I think you should be realistic about grading at such a difficult school and major), and explain the consequences if he doesn’t. But he should have another chance. It is only ONE semester where he went down. I can’t see forcing a leave without another chance to pull it up. Perhaps that should not be abroad and he could go abroad in the spring? Even if he goes abroad next fall, it is not so terrible if he does his grad school apps there, is it? I have a kid abroad right now who will be dealing with apps while abroad. I think pulling him out for a LOA when he is not exactly flunking, and he is in a very challenging school with grade deflation is too harsh. I would put him in “warning” status for another semester and make sure he gets support services (easier to get at school than home, I think). Then, he’d have fair warning. But I feel like you guys are pulling the plug after one less than stellar semester without another chance to turn it around or else. </p>

<p>Also, your son has a job while at school plus ECS, and maybe that should be examined as he might have too much going on.</p>

16

<p>It was an A- (major course, honors, loves the subject), C (major course, honors), D+ (language). Incomplete in the social science course pending two papers. He is not happy with his grades.</p>

<p>blossom, S is adamant that he still wants grad school. I would be happy if he worked for a year or two; it would likely help the grad school process and he could use another year or two of life under his belt. He is young for a junior.</p>

<p>Found it hard to get into a study group with the course where he got a C, and spent hours working on problems with books, online references, etc. and still didn’t get anywhere. Acknowledges he should have gone to the prof much sooner. The course is in a different subset of the fields in which he has previously taken courses and kind of threw him for a
loop. </p>

<p>Part of the issue with “what do we do” is that grades came out in June, but we just found out about them in the mail within the past week. S was too afraid to check them online (not surprising, knowing how his dad reacts). Had we all known in June what was up, therapy and other things could have been put into motion sooner.</p>

<p>mythmom, he has already done a lot of the relevant MIT OCW courses for fun. I thought of that, too. If he’s home, learning to drive is on the list, even though he much prefers public transit. </p>

<p>Know that I agree with many of your comments here. DH and I see this from VERY different perspectives. DH’s intransigence, inflexibility and perfectionism is making this an extremely difficult situation. He feels he cannot let these grades pass without consequences and that my willingness to consider options means I “don’t get it.” </p>

<p>It is a very lonely crossroads at which to stand. Stand with my H? Defend my S?</p>

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<p>I feel for you being in the middle so to speak! But I think a middle ground could be NOT “letting these grades pass” and putting him on final warning that if next semester is not an improvement, he will have to take a leave. But giving the LOA consequence right off the bat (NOW) is too much. This way, you would not be doing nothing, but you’d be giving a final warning. Also, in my view, his A- and C in his major are fine. The only poor grade was the D+ and maybe that subject was not for him. Dunno. For the incomplete, can he do the papers this summer and get credit? If so, then we’re really talking of just ONE poor grade…one D+. It would be quite another thing if every grade were poor and/or all four semesters of college have been poor. Sounds to me that he just had one semester that was down and it wasn’t even a total wipeout.</p>

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<p>He is finishing the incomplete this summer. The D+ was a required language course, and thank goodness he is now DONE with that! He is also talking to the prof about the class in which he got the C and may retake it. We’ll see. </p>

<p>Soozie, I tried PM’ing you, but your box is full!</p>

19

<p>One other thing that I think helps here…you say HE is not happy with his grades and so I imagine he also wants to do better next semester and may be willing to seek support and help and learn from his mistakes (not getting help sooner, etc.) It would be different if he was justifying how he had done this semester and thought it was all OK and was defending himself and lackadasical about it. Sounds like he also wants to bring the grades up and so may be motivated to do so with help/support. I also would be afraid that he will feel punished for one slip up semester. If this was an ongoing trend for more semesters, different story. If he gets another chance before the plug is pulled, he may surprise you. And if he doesn’t, then he has to take a leave. Just my opinion and an option you might present to your husband.</p>

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<p>I cross posted with you. Great that he can finish the incomplete. So, you are talking of ONE poor grade, the D+ in a course that didn’t interest him that much and not in his major. </p>

<p>If you need to contact me, can you click on my name and use “send email”? My PM box always fills up and is one more thing to check on top of my personal email, two work emails, and FB!</p>