Going home every weekend? (overkilled topic I know)

Student Lounge College Life
1

Yeah, yeah, I know a quick search will produce about 100 results for me to choose from, but I’m asking in my specific situation. Ok, I go home every weekend to hangout with my cousins (who are my absolute best friends) and to have some home-cooked meals because there are no kitchens here for me to cook. I can also do my laundry in peace and without worrying about having exact change. I have started to make friends, but they work on the weekend or spend the day studying and catching up, while I normally complete homework and studying during the week so I can relax on the weekends (of course I study and review, but in small bursts). We hang out a lot during the week and I don’t feel I’m missing out on much since we talk all the time.

I don’t party at all. At all, at all. Like not even small gatherings where alcohol is drunk for religious reasons. The weekends are essentially full of drunken parties. I know you’ll tell me that not all parties are like that, which I of course know. But I’ve been invited to a couple parties and all either advertised alcohol or eventually turned into a party with alcohol.

Anyway, for the reasons above, I go home almost every weekend. I enjoy the quiet of my home and my bed and seeing my cat. I know people are international or out of state and don’t have the luxury of doing any of that and that they have to deal with it, but why should I be miserable and bored because others have to be?

A common criticism I’m seeing is that there’s the fear the student will never become independent. Well I feel that’s not true in my case seeing that I cook for myself, do my own laundry, pay my own “bills” (depositing checks for tuition), and I have a job. I signed up for classes myself and dropped and added classes myself. I found a job myself. I feel I can survive in an apartment alone.

2

Do you have a question?

3

@intparent Of course, I missed the most important part! Do you think it’s bad to go home every other weekend?

4

Yes, it is, because it keeps you from fully integrating into the life of your college - looking for people who enjoy the same things you do, exploring what you CAN do beside partying.
It’s not bad to go home for home cooking and free laundry but every weekend is too much.
How about you reduce that to once every other week, making a conscious effort to plan our weekend on campus?

5

I’m curious to know more about the partying where alcohol is consumed for religious reasons.

6

I’m going to be in the minority opinion and say that as long as it’s working for you, don’t worry about it. If you start to feel like you’re missing out on things at school, start cutting back on weekends home. People do things differently, so just worry about what works for you.

7

Do what works for you.

8

I was curious about where you went where everyone is bored and miserable and does nothing but drink. I thought maybe it was a small school in the middle of nowhere, but looking at a few of your other posts, that doesn’t appear to be the case (at all) and I see you have talked about being lonely, homesick, upset about not making friends soon enough, etc., so I think it may be worth considering whether it’s more about you feeling miserable and bored, and trying to convince yourself that others would go home every weekend if they could. I wasn’t close enough to go home often, but I also didn’t want to and I was far from miserable and bored.

It also looks like you dropped a class and are taking a lighter load than many others. Nothing particularly wrong with that in your first term if you were feeling overwhelmed by the workload and felt like you needed more time to adjust, but it sounds like you may have too much time on your hands now while others need to study more, and it may be contributing to your now feeling bored while others are busy studying, which is really what you’re there for.

So while I was going to say to do what works for you, I think you may just be homesick (not unusual) and not challenging yourself as much as you could be. I haven’t heard many argue that going home will stunt your independence. It’s more about integrating into your new environment, challenging yourself, pushing yourself outside your comfort zone, and getting all you can out of college and the entire experience. It’s going to be much more difficult to meet people and adjust if you go keep going home every weekend.

Have you tried joining clubs and other things people suggested? Perhaps finding a job on campus? Volunteering? I had one term where I had to schedule all my classes on Monday and Weds. to get the classes and professors I wanted. Those were exhausting marathon days (9 in the morning until 10 at night) but it left me plenty of time to study and I still had enough extra time on my hands that I decided to sign up to be a volunteer tutor for underprivileged elementary school kids on a couple of those days. It was an incredibly fulfilling experience I’ve never forgotten, felt great to “give back,” and served as a great reminder of how truly fortunate I was to have the opportunities I did and to make the absolute most of them.

Just some things to think about. If you’re miserable, I think going home is better than falling into depression, but I would hope you give it more of a chance, go home less often, and push yourself outside your comfort zone a little more. Wishing you the best.

9

Your “college experience” is just that, yours. Do what works for you. You can’t really rationalize by what you are and aren’t giving up. The reality is that every choice in life comes with pros and cons, no matter what the choice. And your choice isn’t all or nothing either, the frequency of your trips home can be adjusted at any time based on your needs or desires. Once you make a choice though, look forward, there’s no point wasting time with regrets. If you make mistakes along the way, and you will, learn from them, fix what you can, and move on.

10

If you’re happy going home every weekend, then do it. Family connections are important.

If you’re becoming uncomfortable about doing that, try staying on campus for a weekend, or even part of a weekend. Make some connections there, or set up plans with those friends you’ve made during the week.

RE

the only thing I can think of is a Jewish Shabbat dinner which includes a blessing over wine

11

You’ve obviously never been to a Purim or Simchat Torah party!

12

@rebeccar “4 cups, 4 sons, 4 questions”

13

My kiddo had the room mates from hell her first semester of freshman year. (nice enough girls, but a severe clash of social culture…my kid is super nerdy and the other girls were very into status and fashion, Greek Life, etc) She came home A LOT. Almost every weekend. Like you, she wasn’t into the party vibe. She’s super negative on drinking due to a family tragedy involving alcohol. Was actually a lot easier for her to come home and study, than to try to study with the stream of partiers in and out of her room at all hours.

Second semester, she escaped her dorm and got an apartment with a very sweet girl with whom she had a lot more commonality. She still came home once a month or so, but seemed a LOT happier with the arrangement.

Sophomore year, she decided to have her own place, and got a single apartment. She LOVED this arrangement, and ended up coming home far less often. With her own place to entertain in…she became more invested in friendships, dating, and decided she quite liked being on her own and not having to answer to anyone. LOL:)

This year, she surprised us, and got an apartment with a good friend who shares her major. She’s ridiculously happy with her life and relationships in Ann Arbor, now. We don’t see that much of her on weekends anymore…but we’re a tight family who likes to message and talk on the phone and stuff…so, it all works out.

This year, she seems to have really hit her stride and struck a really good balance. She’ll be home for breaks, but probably won’t take any weekends home this year. She always has too much to do, too many plans, too much going on.

When she was coming home every weekend her freshman year, she was told the same things…don’t go home so much, you’ll never acclimate, you won’t develop the support and relationships you need.

While that’s pretty decent general advice…sometimes you just have to do what works for you. Be yourself. Give yourself a break and do what’s comfortable until things start falling into place a little better. Freshman year is a LOT of change. it takes time to put down roots in a new place (and sometimes it hurts a lot to pull up roots from home).

There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing.

I also think different kinds of people acclimate differently. My daughter kept getting a ton of advice to be involved more, to live with people, to be very social…but that’s just not who she is. She’s an only child who really likes privacy and space. She had a couple of close girlfriends and a boyfriend in high school…but never really enjoyed group activities outside of theater. All the group togetherness prescribed at college…sort of suffocated her and rattled her into dysfunction.

Some people like to come home and read a book with a cup of tea. Some people get hours of enjoyment on the weekend all by themselves, drawing or writing…or whatever. Some people like two or three really close friends, rather than two or three hundred group friends. People are different. Make your life enjoyable in the way that makes the most sense to you.

I’m guessing you’re a little like my kid…and you’ll feel a lot more invested at school with time.

14

Do what works for you. Most kids don’t go to college after college, and even if they do, they don’t live there. There’s nothing wrong with your cousins being your best friends and enjoying being home. You seem to be happy, so don’t force yourself to do something that will make you unhappy.

Lots of people are perfectly content to live their lives in the periphery of their hometown - they have a network there, make their friends there, make their careers and lives there. There’s nothing wrong with that!

15

I see nothing wrong with that.

16

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/to-the-college-student-that-goes-home-too-much

Maybe this will help, give you some perspective.