Gold from Friends with Older College Students

Parents Forum
1

We have been allowing our D to apply in any area of the country where they have the major she wants - there are not too many schools. There are always those concerns in the back of my mind…“What if she needs me?” but I’ve pushed those thoughts away, thinking instead “What does she need to grow as a person and in the field that she is interested in?” and “What can we afford?”

About 2 months ago, we had dinner over at our friends, and they were talking about the college experiences of their kids, both older than our kids. The mentioned how their D had not come home over a summer, choosing instead to work for a professor on campus. Come Fall, she became a little depressed, realizing that she missed seeing her family. Her roommate called the parents (our friends) and they were able to make the drive (4 hours) to surprise their daughter - they took her and friends out to dinner, generally reconnected, and this really helped their daughter’s frame of mind. Great friend, great parents.

Fast forward to two nights ago. My d came up to me, snuggling !!! next to me on the couch, and she shared that she had been thinking about what our friends said, and that she wondered if it would be better to attend a place where we could get to her (or she could see us) a bit more easily. She said she had only been thinking of herself happy at schools, but what if she wasn’t, and needed to see us. I reassured her, and told her that she would make a good choice for herself. And that I was proud of her for taking this into account. We would be there for her.

Inside I was doing cartwheels. Win, win for us - she thought of this herself, we didn’t get cast in “bad guy” roles (“you worry too much”) and we didn’t end up inadvertently pushing her to attend a school far away by bringing up this concern. I highly recommend asking your friends to dinner, to talk about their kids experiences. Not as a set up, but just to bring up different scenarios that they have encountered. I truly believe that our kids will make good choices for themselves. She might still end up going far away, but at least she has reflected on this as a concern, and will make an informed decision.

Thank you, friends!!!

2

Lovely story!

3

I think it is an overlooked piece of the puzzle. One of my kids picked a school 2000 miles away, but only 150 from her grandparents, uncles, cousins, and most important, her dogs. She’s enjoyed the mini trips to Nana’s for food and a washing machine. I’m visiting DD#2 for her spring break this week as she had to stay at school for sports.

4

I love your story!!! So sweet that your D drew her own conclusions. My S applied to schools all across the country and ended up 2.5 hrs away in the neighboring state. Of course, he is so happy there that he never wants us to visit, but it is great being a short ride away. Just in case. Now my younger son is looking and again all over the country, but I am secretly hoping for the same result.

5

My kids have only spent the summer after their freshman years at home, then they were working or traveling elsewhere. The oldest 2 were a 4 hour drive away, we didn’t see either of them much during the school year. Youngest is several thousand miles away, can’t get home for Thanksgiving and plays a sport so spring break is busy also. She is coping fine, and we are going to see her next month. If she needed me I could get on a plane. These are things everyone needs to decide for themselves, but just because a friend’s child couldn’t cope with being far away doesn’t mean yours would have the same issue.

6

We had one kid who was 2 hours away…and another who was 3000 miles away. Both were fine.

To be honest, neither of them came home for any spring breaks, and both did things away from home in the summers too…so were only here for a week or two at the end of each summer.

The only difference was that one was able to come home for Thanksgiving…and the other went to relatives nearer to the college.

I think YMMV depending on the student. Do what works for YOUR kiddo!!

7

Every kid is different. My older son went to a school that was a seven hour drive away. He came home for school year breaks, but went to the other coast for internships every summer. Younger son was closer and theoretically had a host of relatives nearby who never saw him. He ended up spending one summer and a full year in Jordan no where near us. The other summers he worked up at school as well. He’s graduated and living with us now though! He had a NYC internship in the fall and hopes to be working in NYC soon.

8

I know a lot of people say distance or how long it takes to get to one’s kid doesn’t matter, but I have to say that we appreciate the fact that I am able to attend events on campus and able to get to the campus when I need to. I am here now with D2 for her sorority’s charity event. I am 4 hours away so it’s not hard. If I have lived further away or economically not possible to fly to her campus then I wouldn’t be here. D1 was very sick first few years in college. I was able to drive up to bring her home to get her better then returned her back to her campus. Yes, she could have managed, but when you are really sick, managing may not be good enough.

9

Dad of a freshie here. DD is 2000 miles away, and it’s a long, expensive flight. DD spent much of the summer away from us, as she was a camp counselor (and will be again this summer). So I imagined that she was getting used to not being home so much. Skype also seemed to help.

I fully expected her to stay on campus for the week-long spring break that just began. Yet two weeks ago she announced that she wanted to come home. Despite a long Xmas break, she simply needs to recharge her family batteries.

Also, it was a drag for all of us not being there for parents day.

So, yeah, I get it. What I disregarded a year ago I now recommend bringing into the conversation.

10

It’s not that it doesn’t matter, it’s that, as other have said, every kid is different. I went to college 2.5 hours away and went home often. I’ve since lived all over the country, including in my hometown and across the country. I know for an absolute fact that doing so much traveling and living in different places, my worldview has expanded and become more accepting.

My sister went to college and hour away and hardly ever went home. She’s lived in our hometown ever since, as do both D’s who went to college very close to home.

Another sister went to college 2,000 miles away, visited only rarely, and still lives in that town 35 years later.

Everyone is different. My D has no plans to go to college nearby. It’s not my favorite thing, but the kind of college she wants is not remotely close to where we live. I will not stand in her way. If she wants, she can easily get to my hometown by bus or a short flight on the shorter breaks, but I suspect she won’t do it often (see broadened horizons from living in other places vs. my relatives who are somewhat closed-minded).

If it turns out she’s sickly we’ll bring her back here and she can go to one of the directionals in WA, one of which will be her safety (meaning that she is willing to go there and we can afford it). But I’m not going to borrow trouble or try and talk her out of her plan. It’s her life.

11

I think it is good for parents and students to get information from people who have experienced something you are considering. Whether that be gong far away or going to a really large school or a very small one. If your kids know the other kid pretty well that helps even more. My S knows people who are less outgoing than he is who have made friends at a really large campus so he feels comfortable with a campus of 50,000.

12

I am happy having her go anywhere, and still support that. I’m just glad that she is giving it some thought, and I didn’t bring it up. Since is is from her, it won’t be possibly discarded as “mom worrying too much.” It is a little more real. While I would prefer that she be closer because of logistics, money and just cause, far is ok if it is what she chooses. I’m just glad that she is taking it into account in this big decision.

13

My kids both attended college 2500 miles away (a 5-6 hour plane ride). Both they and we live near major airports, so it worked out OK. It also helps that my best friend and her H & kids live 30 minutes from their campus. A cousin also lives 30 minutes from their campus, so they had backup as needed. They were fine for their years of college and beyond. S has taken a job that is 5000 miles from us and an 10-11.5 hour plane ride. His place is again a 30 minute drive from the airport, as is our home, so it still works OK for him & us.

14

Hey all, OP here. I think a few of you are losing the point of my original post. It is helpful to have your college bound kid be a “fly on the wall” when experiences are shared by adults. I hope that we all want our kids to make informed decisions - while they do research and talk with their friends, they are spreading their wings. They feel powerful, as they should. They often don’t, however, think of consequences because of that pesky little frontal lobe which is not yet fully connected. They think that we worry too much. But real stories shared at the dinner table can cause reflection that was not even intended when those stories were shared. And I hope that we all value the experiences of others while our kids are making the big decision on where to attend college. There are many colleges out there that may have the right fit. Major, size, finances, living arrangements, food, weather preference (my son loves snow and rain) and support systems in place all are part of the big decision. My D has a spreadsheet. Personally, I feel that our D would be happier if she was able to share times like Thanksgiving with us. I think that she would have a hard time emotionally if she could not. I could be wrong. Ultimately, she will have all the information on the table, including but not limited to, finances, ability to transport her “x” number of times home in a year, how easy it will be for us to visit, and stories of friends, when she makes her decision.

FWIW, I grew up in quite a few places in the following states - New York State, Arizona, California, Massachusetts…I know that my daughter will be a traveler as well. She will most likely end up on the opposite coast, or in NYC. @singleparent1, my D has applied all over the United States (California, Florida, Virginia, Illinois, New York, Massachusetts, Georgia) with our support. While she and her brother are in college, I won’t have a lot of extra cash lying around for her to take many plane flights. Her brother can drive with friends - his college is a 7 hour drive away. Funny, for the colleges that my D is considering, one of the colleges is near an airport which has many discounted flights (under $50 each way) while the other, a much closer distance, regularly costs $350+ each way - that adds up fast.) It wouldn’t be so bad if she was within a day’s drive. We can get her there and back three times a year. There are a lot more breaks than that. My D has told me a few times how happy and grateful she is that we are supporting her with her decision to go to any of these college, within financial constraints (we need to see the financial aid awards). Personally, my first choice for her would be a program which has a dedicated major and lots of sunshine. That place is over 1,000 miles away. I don’t think we will be able to financially swing it, though. She is waiting to hear about an independent scholarship she applied to, and that decision will make her final decision perhaps more complicated, as she will have many choices then.

I haven’t told her what my preference for her would be, though, because she hasn’t asked - if she did, I’d say that my preference doesn’t matter - it is her education and she has all the information she needs to make the right choice for herself. I would consider going through the pros/cons list with her if she wanted. If she received that long-shot scholarship, I would do a HUGE happy dance, because she will have more choices. Right now, I can do a small happy dance inside, knowing that she is considering distance as a factor. It is a factor. Financially, emotionally, and support wise. Other friends have a S who struggled his first year with health and organizational issues, and needed much more support. He was far away and not near an airport. That year was tough for them. I do think that distance and all that it entails is an important factor to add to the spreadsheet that my daughter has created - and I am happy that she is the one that brought it up. Also glad to see that her frontal lobe is weighing in!

15

My older daughter has always been independent so she picked a school 3.5 hours away and never had that need to see us (other than the usual breaks). My youngest is more of a homebody so she self-selected a school about an hour away…we both agreed that something 15 minutes away was too close, but an hour was good!

16

My daughter definitely wanted to go away and went to a great school 1800 miles away, she also did research in the summer. And there were times she was absolutely miserable during the summer. Her normal group of friends was not there and family was not close by to visit. She did this for three years, one summer she traveled. She also did a study abroad semester.
She didn’t really enjoy the summers but she recognized that it was a path to a goal she wanted. The end result is that she chose from several options to do her post grad at our flagship. She is also doing two internships here. I think the experience has helped her decide where she wanted to live after school. She loves this city and any job offers will be heavily weighted if they are in this area. Sometimes given the freedom to experience the tough side of independence is not a bad thing.

17

OP, I think that unless our kids live in a bubble, they can’t help but hear about others’ experiences. The thing is, though, that everyone’s experience is different.For each family that had a bad experience with a kid going far away, there will be one with a kid who moved across the country and loved it. For every kid who went close to home and was happy to be there, there is a story about one who had no choice and moved the heck away the minute they finished college.

What we DID do, since our D is so committed to go far away, is make sure that her choices have strong freshman support programs. We spoke to one freshman director who said, “And don’t think that we’re above calling your parents!” I think all colleges should have freshman support programs, especially since I hear that so many advisers are not all that familiar with the kids’ lives.

18

D1 originally claimed she wanted to go as far away as she could. What changed her perspective was seeing some schools in other regions. We’re in the NE and she realized she is very much a NE gal. Both ended up 3 hours away and were happy we could get there for some planned things and make some more spontaneous trips.

But when you’re close as a family, distance doesn’t always hamper support. Some book flights early to get a good price. It just gets complicated when there are plane changes.

Even with our kids relatively near, we texted. Just a hi or an update or a pic of the dog (or us having fun.). If they needed to talk, they called.

Being in the same region in no way limited them as adventurous gals. They travelled, one lived in a 3rd world country after college.

My friend who was 1500 miles away would get the right price in advance and fly at least once/semester to see her girl. Got an inexpensive room and they both enjoyed the time together.

Best wishes.

19

Thanks OP. Very good post about the value of hearing from others what kids might not take in from you. Distance is one useful characteristic that probably gets overlooked emotionally, practically and financially. But, undoubtedly there are others.

ShawSon went to school a 1.5 hour drive from us and would come home for some weekends, especially when he wanted to make a big push in work. He really valued being close to us. He is now in grad school on the other coast and comes home for each break so far and misses be able to come home. I’ve been out twice, once with my wife to help him set up and once later in the year. He actually thought hard about going to a school closer to home (an Ivy where a number of his friends are grad students) but the school at which he is studying is clearly the best in the world in his areas and he sees it now (I told him there was a quantum between the schools as did others, and he gets it now and is quite proud to be there despite working insanely hard). ShawD on the other hand, started school an 8+ hour drive away (or a flight with a change in Toronto. She transferred after one semester (but not due to homesickness) and lives in the city (where we are in the suburbs). We have to drive in to see her. [ShawSon had a car and she doesn’t drive, but I suspect that she wouldn’t be out to see us as much as he was].

20

In my family, we’re lucky if the kids stay in the US after they graduate from college. So, anywhere within the country is fine with me. D want (of course) to study abroad. In other words, sometimes that “fly on the wall” thing doesn’t work in your favor.