<p>"It was nearly nine oclock and I was sitting in an observation room overlooking a trauma victim. He was struggling for his life, as blood and other bodily fluids entered his vital organs. My palms started to sweat, my head became weightless, and an uncontrollable twitching ensued. I watched as this man, this stranger, lost the battle with death, and slowly, with unique elegance, he ceased to be."</p>
<p>I feel like this could be better worded...
What do you guys think? </p>
<p>I'm applying to the Bouve school so I wanted to make it medical related.</p>
<p>Revised thus far:
“It is nearly nine o’clock and I am sitting in an observation room overlooking a trauma victim. He is struggling for his life, as blood and other bodily fluids leave his vital organs and flood his innards. My palms start to sweat, my head becomes weightless, and my hands tremble uncontrollably. I watch as this man, this stranger, loses the battle with death, and slowly, with unique elegance, he ceases to be.”</p>
<p>“Innards” “unique elegance” “ceases to be” all sound forced. Simpler, more direct words will still get the message/drama across but in a less “writer-ly” (pretentious) way.</p>
<p>Yeah, I agree with above. Obviously they want good (well at least not bad) writers, but Bouve especially wants people to prove they really want to go into the field they are picking. So instead of adding awkwardly advanced words, spend your word count really convincing them that YOU (as opposed to this fancy vocabulary version of you) really know what you want and are getting into.</p>
<p>Yeah, thanks guys, I just heard back from a few people who have read it and they are saying the same thing. I’m going to try to tone down the drama a bit(I can see why it seems forced/fake). I completely removed the elegance and ceases parts, and reformatted the sentence so that it seems more plausible.</p>
<p>Thanks!</p>