Grade Amy Essay?

<p>Prompt: do we need other people in order to understand ourselves?</p>

<p>In order for people to fully understand themselves, they need to know what they are capable of accomplishing. I therefore agree with the idea that we need other people in order to understand ourselves. In Tolken's The Hobbit and from personal experience, we say that we truly our dependent on others to understand ourselves.</p>

<p>In Tolken's THe Hobbit, Bilbo baggins is an ordinary Hobbit living a mundane life. Despite the simplicity, Bilbo enjoys his day to day life, mainly because that is all he has ever experienced. Bilbo's parents, however, were adventurous and their eccentric lifestyles did not agree with that of a common Hobbit. Still, when Gandandorf, a great wizard from the novel, asked Bilbo to join him and 13 others on a dangerous quest, Bilbo refused. At that point, Bilbo saw himself as a common Hobbit who was supposed to lead a calm life. In the end, Bilbo embarks on the adventure and returns as a new Hobbit. While on the adventure, Bilbo were exposed to dangerous and harsh conditions, something Bilbo would never have experienced on his own. After returning home, Bilbo finally understood who he was: an adventurous Hobbit. This self-actualization would not have been possible if Gandandorf had not asked Bilbo to embark on the quest. </p>

<p>I have personally experienced the effects others have on my understandings of myself. In my sophomore year, my French teacher assigned the class an oral presentation project. Up to that point, I believed that my French speaking skills were near perfect. However, when the day came to speak about our projects, I was shocked to hear that my speaking skills were only average compared to those of my classmates. That day I learned that my French speaking skills were not as perfect as I thought they were. More importantly, I learned that Itend to overestimate my capabilities and unfortunately, I was doing the same thing in my Biology course. These understandings of myself would not have been possible if my classmates had not indirectly showed me that my speaking skills required improvement.</p>

<p>Our understanding of ourselves is never complete and is far from perfect. Still, I believe that other people have the ability to help us better understand ourselves and show us what we are capable of accomplishing.</p>

<p>Not sure if this comment is helpful but after inputting D2’s essays into the online Collegeboard essay grading(she has several 12’s), I noticed she often quoted and used examples from existing literature. So I’m not sure about using personal experience in your essay is ok.</p>

<p>The directions say to use things from personal observations/experiences (I’m pretty sure) and the essay that received a six in the Blie Book used personal experiences</p>

<p>Just so you know, using personal experience can be risky because you can easily get sucked into describing the experience without necessarily relating it to your thesis fully. </p>

<p>A few things about this essay:

  • There are some ambiguous pronoun references (“we say we truly…”; 1st paragraph); then ‘are’ not ‘our’ there as well
  • Some transitions seem to not totally fit in some cases
  • Your conclusion sentence for the first body paragraph (“This self-actualization would not have been possible if Gandandorf had not asked Bilbo to embark on the quest.”) seems weak to me because you didn’t blatantly connect this back to your thesis that the self-realization happened as a result of connection with others (you just said because he went on a quest)
  • Your second example, I think, is the stronger of the two because it is more focused on the thesis, but watch out for only stating what you need to say. Be short and sweet-- some of the background info is nice, but it can be distracting.</p>

<p>But this is a good essay! Don’t let my comments lead you to think otherwise haha, I’m just a tough critic. I’d give this a 4, I think. :)</p>

<p>Feel free to read mine in return? <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1267722-would-someone-mind-reading-practice-sat-essay.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1267722-would-someone-mind-reading-practice-sat-essay.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>I asked D2 about this and she said Rocket Review states to use personal example as the last resort.</p>

<p>Just FYI, it’s Gandalf, not Gandandorf. :P</p>

<p>iwriter, thank you soooo much for your feedback!!! Unfortunately, this is only my 2nd essay and don’t feel qualifies to grade your essay. Still, I’ll take a look at it soon!!!</p>