grade my ACT essay?

<p>This is my first post on this site so I'm apologize if I posted this in the wrong place!</p>

<p>Prompt:
In some states, legislators have debated whether teenagers should be required to maintain a "C" grade average in school before receiving a driver's license. Some people think this would be a good policy because having passing grades shows that students are responsible enough to be good drivers. Other people think such a policy would not be appropriate because they see no relationship between grades in school and driving skills. In your opinion, should teenagers be required to maintain a "C" average in school before receiving a driver's license?
In your essay, take a position on this question. You may write about either one of the two points of view given, or you may present a different point of view on this question. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position. </p>

<p>Essay:
Earning a driver's license is one of the many exciting steps to adulthood that teenagers will take. However, some state legislators have debated whether teenagers should be required to maintain a "C" grade average in school before receiving a driver's license. Although the idea seems bizarre to me, I can understand why some people would approve of it. A driver's license could act as motivation for students with below "C" average to improve their grades. Additionally, maintaining good grades in school may foreshadow a similar type of responsibility on the road. However, although higher grades could increase a student's prospect of getting into college or getting a job, they do not necessarily guarantee future success. Just as not everyone values the same qualities in other people, some people may not see the value of doing well in high school. Furthermore, some students are able to maintain above "C" averages without working too hard for their grades. Their grades could just be results of natural ability of even cheating in school, which would infer laziness in the students in contrast to responsibility. The ideas supporting the notion that teens should be required to maintain a "C" average in school before receiving their driver's licenses are usually based on the broad generalization that students with higher grades are more responsible and more likely to succeed. </p>

<p>Until there is a strong proven correlation between teenagers who maintain "C" or above averages in school and those who are responsible drivers, I believe that such a notion should not exist. Personally, I maintain an above-"C" average but am not the best driver. I often forget basic rules and am not well-coordinated. In the same way that having high grades does not guarantee that you will be a safe driver, having lower grades does not guarantee that you will be an unsafe driver.</p>

<p>Moreover, in some cases, teenagers may not have time to focus on their studies because they need to look after their families. If a "C" average was needed to receive a driver's license, these particular teenagers would be deprived of a privilege that could help them better care for their families, despite the fact that their were made prematurely responsible for looking after other people. Teenagers in situations like these and more would be overlooked if this type of requirement would ever be enforced.</p>

<p>I do not agree with the idea that teenagers should be required to maintain a "C" average or above in school in order to receive their driver's licenses because assuming that teens who maintain higher grades will also be safe, responsible drivers is a possibly dangerous generalization. In addition, the assumption could overlook those who cannot afford time to study because of other responsibilities that would be greatly helped by the grant of a driver's license. There are many different cases of teenagers who do not fit the assumption that supports the rule and thus it would be unfair of the state to enforce such a rule.</p>

<p>Passive language and personal pronouns are a big NONO when it comes to argumentative writing. </p>

<p>I’ll take the first section as an example and show you the instances of the two errors. You should be able to notice them throughout your essay.</p>

<p>Never say “I” or I think or I believe. change the wording, don’t say teenagers 15 times in the essay. Find different words to describe the students/new drivers etc. </p>

<p>Earning a driver’s license is one of the many exciting steps to adulthood that teenagers (will) passive take. However, (some) passive state legislators (have debated) passive (debate) whether teenagers should be required to maintain a “C” grade average in school before receiving a driver’s license. —OMIT Although the idea seems bizarre to me, I can understand why some people would approve of it. OMIT— (you have no authority on the point, so don’t write like you do) ----A driver’s license (can serve) as motivation for students with below “C” average to improve their grades.<-- Thesis, but you still need to show the correlation between grades and driving. </p>

<p>Make VERY simple claims in each paragraph. It’s difficult to follow as it stands now.</p>

<p>I’d probably give it no more than a 4. (Or 8.)
-never speak in first person. It sounds better when you say “although the idea can seem bizzare to some.” Never say “I” etc.

  • the grades /future success sentence was not needed.
  • nearly every single part of the first paragraph can be made into a paragraph itself. Pick a couple of the strongest points for those wanting the legislation, and then use a couple of paragraphs refuting each claim.
    -the paragraph about no correlation should go after the refutation paragraphs.
  • your essay (kind of like my reply) should have more order. Although it is really oversold, do a five paragraph type essay. Have a clear thesis and supporting points in the first paragraph after a couple of introductory sentences. I see your main points in the conclusion but it is even more important to have them in the introduction.
  • you could’ve had more specific examples, even if it were hypothetical. A 16 year old with a 1.999 GPA and is the only worker in the family. There are millions of teens around the nation who have to work so that their family can eat. The high school drop outs would not be able to work. Exemptions are too hard to obtain.</p>

<p>Your essay lacks focus. State your position clearly in the first sentence. Give some background. Don’t switch between argument and counter argument withint your first paragraph. Afterwards, remove the counter argument from your introduction and give it its own paragraph at the end of the essay (before the conclusion). Avoid passive voice. I like your style and voice a lot though. I would give it a 6 or 7 now, but you can easily fix these mistakes and push your score to a 10 or 11!!! :D</p>