Grade My Essay: Assist me on my journey for a (secure) 12

<p>Assignment: Is it necessary to make mistakes, even when doing so has negative consequences for other people? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>The term "mistake" alludes to an avoidable act that holds detrimental consequences which could possibly harm the "actor" and his or her surrounding accomplices. The very complexion of the word suggests that a mistake is avoidable and unnecessary. Erronenous actions are completely avertible and unrequired, and such is reflected in classic literature and distance history. </p>

<p>An appropriate example of how unintentional blunders are unnecessary is presented in the Kurt Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle. In the classic novel, the protagonist, John (or "Jonah"), ventures to Ilium, New York to investigate the Hoenikkers and ice-nine for his book. The Hoenikker family gained fame after the fictional Nobel laureate Felix Hoenikker, father of Franklin, Newton, and Angela, developed the atomic bomb, a nuclear weapon responsible for the astronomical devastation in Hiroshima, and ice-nine, a secret weapon of mass destruction that freezes anything of the liquid state at room temperature. The devoted writer Jonah eventually grows more interested in the Hoenikker family's past and ventures off with them to San Lorenzo, an isolated country plagued with an impecunious society. San Lorenzo is home to an odd religion called Bokonism and a bizarre dictoator named "Papa" Monzano. At the time of Jonah's arrival, "Papa" is already sick and feeble. Because of his cancer illness, Monzano passes the leadership of the island to Franklin Hoenikker, who obtained the position through bribery with ice-nine. Jonah soon finds out all the Hoenikker children were given access to the weapon ice-nine by their father, and that the children all made ill exchanges in order to fulfill their individual desires. When such truths finally emerge, Monzano commits suicide with ice-nine in order to avoid the painful onsets of oncogenesis. His corpse freezes, and the ice consequently spreads to the rest of the world, freezing and destroying most of Earth's life within a matter of days. The cause of such destruction was due to Franklin Hoenikker's mistake, who intentionally distributed "Papa" Monzano to ice-nine in order to fulfil his selfish desire for power. If Franklin had perhaps confined ice-nine to only the Hoenikkers, then perhaps most of humankind would not have been destroyed. Franklin later even admits that his action was "stupid" and "not necessary". However, Franklin's realization came way too late for Earth's beauty had already faded beneath the sheaths of ice. Evidently, Franklin's mistake of distributing ice-nine not only proves to be unnecessary, but also destructive enough to destroy the world.</p>

<p>Great Britain's 1678 invasion of Imperial Japan is another exemplification of the avoidable nature of mistakes. When Britain landed military troops onto Japanese beaches to invade Japan, the Great Britain inadvertently got itself into a matter larger than it anticipated. Although the suppression of the official military troops of Japan was largely successful, Japanese civilians put up a fierce resistance. Indeed, Japanese civilians were fierce and determined to keep their land and resources away from the arrogant British. One massive civlian resistance, called the Black Rebellion, eventually annhilated most of the British troops that had already landed on the Japanese islands. The ferocious resistance the Japanese put up against Great Britain in 1678 instilled consternation to all. Great Britain's wrongdoing was costly, in both men and money. Had Great Britain not invaded Imperial Japan they would not have lost 10,000 lives and incurred a massive war debt. The British invasion was entirely unecessary and could have been completed avoided. Thus, Great Britain's mistake of belligerency was an unrequired error that hurt itself more than it did Japan.</p>

<p>The evidence from literature and history both confirm that errors are not necessary and entirely avoidable. Indeed, erroneous actions only expands one's burdens and problems. Escaping such unnecessary mistakes is only way to avoid hurting yourself and others.</p>

<p>*civilian
It lacks voice, and redundancy could pose an issue. Write from the heart, not thesaurus.com. Also, the examples overwhelmed me. Positives: it looks like you put lots of effort into it! :)</p>

<p>It’s incredibly long. Too long. And I didn’t even read it.</p>

<p>Such an “incredibly long” essay necessitates thorough evaluation.</p>

<p>I just read the first body paragraph; far too descriptive - cut out the extraneous details and focus on what you are trying to argue.</p>

<p>Interesting comment. Anyone else?</p>

<p>Were you actually able to write that in twenty-five minutes? Keep in mind, on the actual SAT you’ll probably be crunched for time.</p>

<p>Verbose. Grandiloquent. Get to the point.</p>

<p>I was under the impression that detail was the element that makes a 12 essay a 12.</p>

<p>Take my critique for what it’s worth (I have written 5 perfect SAT and ACT essays)</p>

<p>Intro is nice. It clearly expresses your point.
Great references to a book and history. That will always get you a higher score.
Body supports your thesis. Good
However, there was not much justification for why the mistakes were not needed; analyze more.
Also, your knowledge is wonderful, but not all of it is needed :slight_smile: Remove the detailed summaries and just give a brief scenario and analyze them and justify your point. That will bolster your argument more.
Good vocab. I like how they don’t seem “awkward” or “randomly thrown in”</p>

<p>My guess is this would get a 10/11. The main thing keeping it from 12 is the lack of justification. You present good instances but you don’t powerfully “tie it in” to the main point yu are trying to make.</p>

<p>Great essay though. If you ever want more critique, PM me</p>

<p>I would like yo clear a few misconceptions by other posters. On the SAT, length is a boon. Furthermore, specific details are needed. I agree that answering the prompt in necessary, but without the showing of “grandiloquent” vocabulary, how else can you impress graders?</p>

<p>You have great examples. However, your last sentence seems a bit out of place with the rest of the others.</p>

<p>Aha! I knew it! The very first time I saw this essay, I was like, “I don’t think Great Britain invaded Japan as early as 1678!”. And I was right! </p>

<p>Anyways, great essay, but don’t you think it’s a bit too long? And did you really write all that in 2 pages and in 25 min? If you did, WOW! Maybe you can write real fast and have very small handwriting! Great job on this essay. Made up historical examples are fine as long as you describe them in detail so you sound like you know what you’re talking about. :)</p>

<p>Good Luck!</p>

<p>I feel your introduction isn’t really on to the point, and much of your essay is a “strawman” to the topic. This essay couldn’t be made in 25 minutes in my opinion, and thus you need to simplify it more, so you dont waste to much time thinking of fancy ways to write essays.</p>

<p>Brutal reality.</p>