Grade my essay people?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>1st essay I wrote in preparation for this exam. Plan on writing consistently till I get down an 10-12.</p>

<p>Prompt: Is it important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority?</p>

<p>Essay:
Questioning the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority is necessary. If the people, of a certain authority, do not question the authority consistently, the overall group or organization or country is doing something terribly wrong. The people run the risk of living and believing in an outdated or primitive society.</p>

<p>A clear interpretation of this statement can be depicted by many historical incidents. One such depiction occurred in the early 1900s where war had inundated the planet over the beliefs of primitive societies. During this time period, Adolf Hitler, a person of great authority, ruled over Nazi-Germany and managed to create a force, the Triple Entente, which was able to annihilate millions of Jews and at the same time counter the supreme Triple Alliance- France, Great Britain and the U.S. If the people had questioned Adolf Hitler's motives before he rose to power, millions of lives and billions of dollars would have been saved.</p>

<p>The concept of people questioning authority is so essential that our founding fathers of America incorporated the concept into our government system: Democracy. By definition, democracy is the government of the people. In order words, the people run the government. In order to avoid having the U.S. government from becoming outdated and primitive, the people 'prune' the government of anything that is not needed or is negative. The most heavily questioned and extensively reviewed part of the government is the Executive branch. This includes the most superior government position, the President. By making sure the motives, beliefs and values of an aspiring presidential candidate is appropriate, the people elect the candidate to take care of the country and it's people.</p>

<p>Succinctly, the people need to constantly keep authority in check by questioning it. This enables the authority to represent the best interest of the people and prevents society from becoming an outdated and primitive place.</p>

<hr>

<p>Personal Comments: In all seriousness, I think I wrote a very decent essay. Probably the best essay I have written in under 25 minutes. It's no 12, that's for sure. I personally feel that the essay is a bit redundant and verbose.</p>

<h2>I am aware my second body paragraph is somewhat weak since I didn't give an actual example of a past president but I was very time-pressed </h2>

<h2>Please criticize and comment about my essay so I can improve my abilities and ultimately achieve my goal of an 800 on the Writing portion of the SAT. </h2>

2

<p>Use a hook.
6</p>

3

<p>What do you mean by hook?</p>

4

<p>It’s something that grabs the attention of the reader.
How do you NOT KNOW THIS?
This is like 5th grade basic stuff.</p>

5

<p>@ EDCornell2013, you need to ****in back up. He’s just asking you a damn question.</p>

6

<p>It’s not a fabulous essay - definitely not a 10-12. 8 or 9 might be a stretch. 5, 6, 7 sounds like the appropriate range. (I got a 12 on my Oct SAT essay, if that lends me any credibility; I am a high school student just as you are).</p>

<p>-Generally, the thesis statement should be the last sentence of your introductory paragraph. That’s the way I’ve been taught to write, and it’s very safe and solid. Your thesis statement seems to be the very first sentence. Try to use your first two or three sentences to grab your reader’s attention and develop your ideas to a certain extent, then slam down your thesis.
-Careful with your second topic sentence. It should directly support your thesis; yours is redundant and unnecessary. A stronger one would be something along the lines of: “Adolf Hitler’s meteoric rise to power in the 1930s illustrates the extent to which it is necessary to question the ideas and decisions of people in authority.” On the note of Hitler, try your best to avoid using him and the Holocaust as an example in an SAT essay. He tends to be controversial and overused.
-On the SAT essay, to a certain extent, it really is quantity over quality. Write like hell; fill up both pages. If your essay crosses 400 words, you have a much greater chance of getting a twelve, statistically. Yours is 309 words. My essay that received a 12 was 509 words.
-Your body paragraphs lack insight. You summarize to a great deal without much analysis. It seems the meat of your argument is speculation (“If they had done this, then this never would have happened…”). Avoid “ifs” and speculation! The argument for your second paragraph is also somewhat unclear. This can be avoided if you had a connection at the end of each of your body paragraphs. Basically, address the question and the prompt directly, tie your example in with the prompt. You’ve provided an example… so what does your example prove? You’ve stated why the people should have questioned Hitler/the president or whatever. Now apply it on a broader and more universal scope. “It is thus, as Hitler illustrates, essential for the common people to question authority figures because passivity can lead to manipulation and irrevocable damage. To believe that anybody, even an authority figure, is infallible is folly; it is necessary for people to question others, even those in power.” Ok, not the best sentence. But I hope you get my point.</p>

<p>Hope I could help a bit!</p>