Grade my essay please; and comments too! :)

<p>The prompt is about which is the better motivator, fame, power and money or conscious? It's BlueBook Practice test number 3</p>

<p>Conscience, our inner voice has a much stronger effect on our actions. Motivation by money, fame or power is superficial and fails to provide as much personal satisfaction as motivation by our conscience. History has given us examples of persons such as Toussaint L' Ovature who demonstrate motivation from their conscience.
Toussaint L' Ovature was a slave in Hati in the eighteenth century but was not subject to the regular harsh conditions of slave life. He had a very humane master who allowed him to attain an education and promoted him to overseer on the plantation ( a post normally held by a white man). When the Hatian revolution ( a slave revolt) broke out, he had a hard decision to make. He had everything he wanted. He could have easily ran away to Florida with his master but he decided to stay and fight for the slaves in the revolution. To him, the freedom of the slaves was much more important than money, power or fame. He endangered his own life because his conscience told him that it was, in fact, the right thing to do.
In addition, in the famous play Macbeth we are presented with a character who is motivated by shallow values such as fame and power. On the other hand, we see Macduff, virtuous, kind and motivated by conscious. Macduff fled to England (after the tyrant, Macbeth murdered his family) to seek aid in order to overthrow Macbeth and restore peace and prosperity to Scotland. In the final act of the play, when Macbeth faces off against Macduff, Macbeth's shallow motivation was seen as he fought with far less skill and splendor, as he did at the beginning of the play (before he bacame a despot). Since Macbeth was only motivated by power ( him keeping the throne), he was slain by Macduff, who was more powerfully motivated. (restoring peace to Scotland)
By these two examples, it can be seen that conscience is a more powerful motivator than fame, money or power.</p>

<p>Im using the online grader too but i dont trust it at all.
can someone give advice on how to improve? also, how can i make my paragraphs flow into each other more smoothly?</p>

<p>-Grammar mistakes everywhere
-Great examples
-Needs transition sentence between body paragraphs
-Sucky conclsuion. And you're not alone on this. I've read so many essays on CC, and ALL of them had bad, one-sentence conclusions. Vin, never have a one sentence conclusion ever again (at least 3-4 sentences please, preferably 4).
-I like it because of the examples and because it shows your critical thinking
-I don't like it because in your Macbeth paragraph, you don't really explain why conscience (not conscious) is the better motivator. Why does following what your heart tells you end up being better than the desire for fame, power, and money? I don't know how you can use Macbeth to support your answer.
-If I had to answer the question, I'd probably mention helping out the homeless and how I'd volunteer my time to help them overcome adversity, rather than to save my time and money on them. I might also add how some really famous people live such shallow lives that wouldn't fit me. Like those fashion people who keep ugly Chihuahuas in their purses, and every week they throw the purse and dog away for a new one?! Oh my!</p>

<p>I liked your slave revolt example--try going into more detail with why conscience was a stronger motivator. You simply stated that something told him that helping the slaves was the right thing to do, but why? Why did that motivate him more than money? (Hint: In that example, he risked his life because he identified himself with the suffering slaves. He's part of a slave identity. If he had escaped with his master, he would probably have felt grief and the sense that he would be (1) defying his own type of people, and (2) not contributing to the improvement of humankind. This is all kind of deep, but you don't have to say all this. In the end, though, the slave guy (i'm too lazy to write it out) was driven by his morals because he was more humanitarian than selfish.</p>

<p>Those are some ideas-they don't make up an essay.</p>

<p>I'd give you a 9.</p>

<p>-More detail
-Better examples
-Fewer grammar mistakes
-Longer conclusion.</p>

<p>Also some things to consider: Did you use a good SAT vocabulary, did your sentences vary in structure with good effect, did your essay take up the entire two pages? If you want an 11 or 12, your answers should all be yes!</p>

<p>thanks, i too thought it was around a 9; the conclusion was rushed due to time constrains... i didnt even have time to read over the essay :(</p>

<p>so what are some tips on making the paragraphs flow into each other?</p>

<p>While in Haiti, the forces of wealth was overtaken by conscience in the mind, the forces of fame and power and conscience clashed in a duel in England.</p>

<p>That's just an example. It might not sound great to you, but in a 25-minute essay, anything is fine. I wouldn't worry so much about how good the transition is, as long as there is one.</p>

<p>that is awesome dchow! ill try it in my other essays! :)</p>

<p>dchow08: It believe it should be, "The forces of wealth were overtaken..."</p>

<p>11 because it's LONG</p>

<p>Amu: Whatever...
aisgzdavinci: An essay will not get an 11 just because it's long.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Amu: Whatever...
aisgzdavinci: An essay will not get an 11 just because it's long.

[/quote]

Length plays a medium factor in essays. If someone told you otherwise, then they're wrong.</p>

<p>aisgzdavinci: I repeat myself, an essay will not get an 11 just because it's long. I know length plays a medium factor (I actually say it in most of my posts when I'm grading essays on CC), but a long essay that's complete crap won't get an 11.</p>

<p>How much did you really fill up from that? It seemed like a really short essay to me, not even great enough to fill up one page, let alone two...</p>

<p>Length isn't a big issue but it is very important to fill up the pages in order to score high on the essay as they do take it into consideration (as i was told). The writing also seems to be too clogged up together to really distinguish between each paragraph/point, you have to remember that people only spend 1 minute reading yours and with it written like that, it is too difficult for them to pinpoint all your points in just 1 minute.</p>

<p>tomackze: It's important to fill the pages up because readers always want to be impressed by what you can write in 25 minutes. The more impressed they are, the higher the score will be. This is the idea that connects all the SAT writing tips together--they all essentially tell you: impress the readers!</p>

<p>it filled up 1 3/4 pages
and the paragraph format got messed up when i pasted it here</p>