Grade my essay please :)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Prompt: "Knowledge is power. In Agriculture, medicine, and industry, for example, knowledge has liberated us from hunger, disease, and tedious labor. Today, however, our knowledge has become so powerful that it is beyond our control. We know how to do many things, but we do not know where, when, or even whether this know-how should be used."</p>

<p>Assignment: Can knowledge be a burden rather than a benefit?</p>

<p>Essay: </p>

<p>How do we use our knowledge? Do we use it in the benefit of those who surround us and ourselves? Or do we fail to recognize its salutary results and, thus, miss-utilize it? Throughout history, leaders with knowledge could alter the paths of their countries, but have all leaders used it to the benefit of them? Indeed, having knowledge is salutary, but misusing it can prove to be disastrous. </p>

<p>During the American Civil war, America was, in a nutshell, divided into two main parties. One called the Union, led by Abraham Lincoln the sixteenth president of the United States of America, and the other was named Confederacy, which was led by Jefferson Davis. Davis had all the knowledge needed for becoming an effective Commander-in-chief in a war like the Civil war, but his knowledge had backfired causing his loss. Knowledge, in this case, made Davis ignorant and static in his decision making. He, unlike his opponent Lincoln, could neither make risks nor work with those who surrounded him to win the war. In his case, the behemoth amount of warfare knowledge he had was one of the main the reason he lost the war.</p>

<p>Another example that proves how knowledge can be a detrimental factor in one’s life is the Reign of Terror led by Maximilien Robespierre. After the French Revolution had taken place and the monarchy was abolished. Robespierre seized the leadership of France. A member of the Jacobin Club who knew how to restore peace to the streets of France. He thought that a little of tough treatment would restore order in his country and to his people. Things went at first smoothly until the successful leadership turned into an ignorant one. Robespierre started executing not only those who threatened the peace of France, but also all of those who opposed him. He executed Marie Antoinette, the wife of the former king of France. He executed George Danton, a member of the Jacobin Club and a lawyer who opposed Robespierre’s dictator leadership. Knowledge here turned into arrogance and ignorance. Robespierre refused listening to those who surrounded him. His arrogance led to a large loss of population and, ultimately, his execution. </p>

<p>With taking all of these historical characters/events into consideration, we ought to learn that, indeed, while knowledge could be a benefit, it also can be a burden. We should not let ourselves be blinded by our knowledge. We should always remain humble and listen to those who surround us. Because, sometimes, our ignorance can not only blind us from seeing the truth, but can also ruin the lives of us and of the people whom we care for.</p>

<p>Essay ends.</p>

<p>I'd be thankful if you'd grade my essay and tell me what you think. I, myself, think that the examples are somewhat off-topic. Please tell me what you think, I'm desperate for that.</p>

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<p>grade it guys >.></p>

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<p>With this essay, your score can be about 4-5 over 6! :)</p>

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<p>Well, would you mind telling me why do you think so? Or what can I improve?! Thanks for giving me some of your time though :)</p>

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<p>Grade it guys >.< this is so important to me. xd</p>

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<p>As a general rule, I don’t usually score essays. However, I will offer feedback, so take whatever you will from my words.

  1. In the introduction, do not depend upon questions to “draw” a reader in. Offer a general statement and then a basic allusion to your argument. Throw in a strong thesis and you are set. In general, you want to mention what you intend to use as evidence. Something like “Indeed, Abraham Lincoln and Maximillian Robespierre both demonstrated that…” is sufficient.
  2. Use active voice more and use the topic sentences to introduce the idea of the evidence. For instance, in the second body paragraph, you could write something like: “Although Robespierre intended to utilize his knowledge for the benefit of the nation, the burden of knowledge corrupted him and ultimately led to his demise.”
  3. Your examples are fine. However, you should try to develop them more. Don’t simply state what happened but instead emphasize how knowledge became a burden for them. In the future, also go for a little more diversity by using a combination of two different types. That is, for a prompt, try to use evidence from literature and history, history and personal experience, current events and history, or etc.</p>
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<p>If I was a grader and I know how they grade the SAT I would give this essay a total score of a 4, 5 max. I am not trying to hurt your feelings or anything but what the grader really wants to see is how you tie the examples in your life. The best essays are the essays that are the personal experience–history ones. I, myself, got a 10 without even trying. The more examples you provide to what you are trying to say, in this case Knowledge, the higher your score. If you can write in cursive your score will also go higher lol. The SAT grader knows that you are not going to have a perfect essay. He wants to see can you write. That is all. If you know the question can be argued in both ways yes or no, pick the one you feel more confident about and just WRITE! </p>

<p>GOODLUCK,
Scored in 2000 Ranged :)</p>

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<p>^Do not believe everything he says. Your score would definitely be higher than what he alleges. Extra evidence is not as good as strong evidence. In every essay I wrote, I always used two different pieces of evidence. Personal experience does not trump any of the others, so I do not know where iatrog heard this information from. In addition, you want to write legibly. The graders want to be able to read what you write, so unless you are accustomed to writing legible cursive, stick with print. However, you should try to always fill up both pages. I do agree with the last bit he says though: “If you know the question can be argued in both ways yes or no, pick the one you feel more confident about and just WRITE!”</p>

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<p>You make assertions that the thesis is “true” but nowhere in your essay do you define what you mean by knowledge nor do you provide a concrete example where the knowledge (as you define it) when applied lead to catastrophe. Your second example is off topic. It’s an exposition of events that occurred in the French revolution. Apart from the assertion in the first sentence of that example there is no visible connection to the thesis.</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the help guys. It seems like my essay is horrible though. Also, can you guys predict what score would this essay get?
@IATROG Do you mean 4 or 5 out of 12? That’s bad >.<
If you guys are willing to help, I’ll write a new essay soon and I hope you’d grade it!</p>