Grade my essay please!! :(

<p>Assignment : Are people who do not follow society's traditional paths to advancement more likely to succeed than those who do? </p>

<p>Our society urges us to complete education as it is the normal and conventional way that we should follow. However, what would happen if we didnt use that orthodox path? Will we succeed or fail? Practically, we will succeed because everyone has his or her own way in approaching his or her goals. Steve Jobs, Bill Gates and Nelson Mandela are great individuals because they didn't follow their society's traditional way of learning. Accordingly, evidence from their lives could be supportive.</p>

<p>Steve Jobs, the inventor of apple company, didn't complete his education. He thought to himself that traditional ways just lead to traditional endings. Therefore, he thought of skipping high school and start his own business. Although he used an extraordinary way, Steve Jobs succeeded in inventing the most trending Apple products that are still spicy to our present day. If Steve Jobs had approached the normal way that the government teaches, he wouldn't have invented such a great and league company. As a result, we could then estimate that those who come with new paths to their target, are more likely to succeed than those who stick to the old path.</p>

<p>Bill Gates, the inventor of Microsoft, also had skipped school. In high school, he didn't get high grades and that had upset him for a long time. Accordingly, he decided to change his life. He decided to quit school and start his own job. Consequently, Bill Gates invented Microsoft, the software operator of computers that still exists in our era. Because Bill Gates used another abnormal way than the normal way, he was able to succeed and become one of the richest people of the world. We could conclude from Bill Gate's experience is that all those who had changed the world positively and left a significant mark on it, are those who taught themselves how to accomplish goals by themselves; therefore, they reached to the high standards of success.</p>

<p>Talking about success, we cannot neglect Nelson Mandela's success in beating racism in the Unites States. Nelson Mandela, a black man who fought against racism, didn't want to see the cruel world and just do nothing about it. He decided the wont just keep calm like the other citizens and leave racism going on in the world. Therefore, Nelson Mandela started getting of the normal path: he started revolution against the government to stop racism. Although he got jailed for 27 years and had suffered a lot, Nelson Mandela didn't quit until he had reached his goal. Imagine if Nelson Mandela didn't approach an unconventional way. What would be life like today? Because of Mandela's actions, people today have the bravery and courage to accept equality and be against disparity. </p>

<p>To conclude, we need extraordinary people like Nelson Mandela, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs to change the world and make it a better world to live in for us and for the coming generations. We should all start being creative and not follow the society's traditional paths; In fact, we should try to succeed by using marvellous ways.</p>

<p>Your examples are too common so I’d advise using people that aren’t overused.</p>

<p>@elenaaa Thanks! :slight_smile:
What about the overall style anyhow?
How much would you give it? </p>

<p>Haven’t graded an essay before, but it’s generally OK. Length is perfect (did you write this in 25 mins?) but you might want to use more SAT words. Also, examples are fine, but you might want to use more diverse ones. Perhaps from literature?
I’d give it 9-11. :slight_smile: Good luck tomorrow!</p>

<p>Thank you so much!
Yes I have written it in 25 mins.
If you know any literature examples I may use may you tell me please?
And more SAT words as in you mean more vocabulary?
@layrasparks thank you so much for your comment! :)</p>

<p>I love your essay and I would give it an eleven. I didn’t see enough college level vocabulary, but you should be okay.
It flows nicely and it makes a good point. There is just one little problem. Are you going to have enough room to write it all? Regardless, great essay and I hope you do excellent on the SAT.</p>

<p>Your examples are good, but you probably could have stuck to either Steve Jobs or Bill Gates and then use Nelson Mandela. Then you could have expanded your example by providing more insight on each individual. Perhaps explain how the world changed or how he succeeded. Overall though, I would say your essay is about a 5 (10 total). </p>

<p>@StyleSavvy‌ Thank youu sooo muchhh that was really helpful and I’ll try working on the points u mentioned! :)</p>

<p>@liukaiwen1‌ Thanks so muchh for your timee! :slight_smile: I’ll try expanding my examples more about those individuals :)</p>

<p>@academichacker Thank you so much I’ll work on your points! :)</p>

<p>I would say an 8/12 (or 4/6) for this essay.</p>