Grade my essay, please?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Thanks, Any replies would be very appriciated. This is straight from the paper and timed 25 minutes exactly.</p>

<p>The prompt is from the blue book test #3:</p>

<p>Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?</p>

<p>-</p>

<p>Perhaps one of the greatest freedoms naturally entitled to every human being is that of free will. Mankind is free to choose any path to follow in life, even if it is known to be wrong. The strucutre of contemporary society has sucecssfully discouraged many in taking these wrong turns. For example, one cannot easily kill or steal from another human being without suffering some kind of consequence. Money, fame, and power are three items of desire for humans. Often, people will cut across the wrong path if consequences are not imposed upon them. Unfortunately, the consequences certain to follow immoral actions is a far greater motivator than the human conscience.</p>

<p>Without some form of civilization, human beings are inclined to do the wrong thing. William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies is a powerful illustration of the darker side of mankind. The young group of english boys lost on an unchartered island are free from any sort of government. In order to survive, the development of an organized set of law is essential. However, the lack of solid consequences to punish immoral behavior is absent, thus leading to chaos on the island. Jack's thirst for power over Ralph and the other boys erupts in a tremendous war, killing one boy and wounding others. Jack's conscience could not overcome his desire for power, for the only restraint-civilization, was nonexistant. Without civilization and consequences to oppose the nature of immoral deeds, the temptation to commit such acts is overwhelming.</p>

<p>Although our modern society is certainly civilized and complies with the moral standards of many, there are still individuals who choose to seek unfair advantages in life over others. Often, these people will do anything to gain the upper hand. For example, cheating is widespread throughout high schools. If students are not easily caught cheating, they will continue to do so. The desire for a better grade, which in turn leads to money, fame, and power is a greater motivator than conscience, and thus students subject themselves to cheating.</p>

<p>My personal comments on this essay-</p>

<p>+Fairly good length
+Relevant example
+Thesis is supported
+Sentence variety</p>

<p>-Redudencies in word choice: "consequences", "wrong", "civilization", etc.
-Some gramatical errors, includes poorly worded sentences
-Only one primary example of the topic
-No concluding sentence (ran out of time, heh)</p>

<p>There are more pros and cons within this essay, but I don't think it's such a great idea to grade your own writing.</p>

<p>Please post scores on a 2-12 scale, and thanks again for reading.</p>

2

<p>Any readers?</p>

3

<p>7-9- No conclusion- you don't support all of your thesis- not fairly good length =/, a little awkward writing style</p>

4

<p>Thanks for the rating.</p>

<p>I agree, my writing style is really awkward. I have some really sophisticated sentences, but they are followed by elementary school comments.</p>

<p>I thought my thesis held throughout the whole essay. The second example could use a lot of work, however. After reading it over, I guess the only way it doesn't tie into the thesis so much is because I didn't say WHY conscience is a lesser motivator than the rules of civilization.</p>

<p>Anyway, about the length-out of the 2 pages allowed for the essay, i used up 1 3/4ths of it :/ On my actual SAT essay, I used 1 1/2 and got an 11, so heh. My writing is pretty small too.</p>

5

<p>Eh, any other opinions?</p>

6

<p>Looking for just one more .-.</p>

7

<p>Make a CLEARER stance on the TOPIC. The question asks which is the greater motivator, and instead all that is given in the introduction is a generic "Money, fame, and power are three items of desire for humans.", and the last sentence--which although implying that because of the weakness of conscience money, fame, etc. is a greater motivational factor, does not come out and clearly say so. This would be a point of great fruustration for the reader, who after having read a hundred essays now has to read the essay in depth just to find its thesis. </p>

<p>Length and example-wise I believe it is fine, despite the fact that Lord of the Flies is a ridiculously overused topic.</p>

<p>Sentence structure is a bit awkward, but shows some writing strength in its diversity.</p>

<p>I'd give it an 8.</p>

8

<p><em>*I know that the first part of my analysis is very critical, but I promise that there's positive feedback at the end! :) *</em></p>

<p>I thought that the first few sentences were very well written, but starting with, "For example, one cannot easily kill or steal from another human being without suffering some kind of consequence," I found it to be a bit shaky. The next sentence seems a bit out of place as well. Forgive me if I'm being critical, but I'm just not a fan of the "for example," "thus this means," and other very structured and unnatural sounding beginnings to sentences. Perhaps it's because <em>I</em> used to write this way constantly, and I just got so tired of it that I resorted to a more "flowing" and "story-telling-like" style??? I would also add that where the topic is so relevant to moral issues, the example(s) may have been more appropriate as real-life events, rather an a novel. This could have made the essay more personal and given a more significant insight as to how to relates to reality, since, after all, a conscience is distinctly associated with humans, emotions, and moral dilemmas. For some reason, I also associate novel examples with the basic essay format that I had burned into my brain in my freshman year of high school. :p</p>

<p>That being said, I thought it fulfilled the requirements, and I highly doubt that I myself could have done any better given only 25 minutes! I think you did a great job, and I'd give you an 8+ on a scale of 2-12. :)</p>