<p>The Old Saying "be careful what you wish for" may be an appropriate warning.The drive to achieve a particular goal can dangerously narrow one's perspective and encourage fantasy that success in one endeavor will solve all of life's difficulties. In fact, success can sometimes have unexpected consequences. Those who propel themselves toward the achievement of one goal often find theat their lives are worse once "success" is achieved than they were before.</p>
<p>Can success be disastrous?</p>
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<pre><code>"With success comes more responsibility and with responsibilty comes more hard work."Success in any field of life brings on more hard work and if one cannot put the extra effort that is needed, the consequences can be disastrous. The Beatles and a close friend of mine prove the above thesis.
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<p>Starting as a group of four music loving teens in Liverpool, the Beatles went on to become the greatest band ever. They became instant hits in the U.K. and the U.S. But as success of the band grew, so did the rift between the band members. The Beatles were regarded as a very good band and the listeners had high expectation from the band. So, in the quest to create the "perfect" music, the band members often argued about small points. The spirit of friendship and brotherhood which had kept the group of childhood friends together had disappeared. The constant altercation between band members Paul McCartney and John Lennon led to the breaking of the band in 1970. Due to their popularity and the feeling that whatever music the other band member created was not good for the band led to its disbandment.</p>
<p>My friend Sam gives another good example that success can be disastrous. Sam wanted to become the best student in our high school. To achieve this, he stayed up all nighh studying everything over and over again, and stopped participating in any extra curricular activities. This helped him come first in class but caused a number of other problems. He had no friends inside or outside of class as he would spend most of his time studying. Due to constant studying , he suffered from many diseases and once fainted in our Biology class. He also developed a habit of finding flaws in his own work and would fret over it for days. Even though he achieved what he was looking for, he developed several other problems along the way.</p>
<p>So, success can be disastrous if one cannot balance the work needed for success with other things in life. Success in like drugs. Once you get it, you want some more without realizing that it is eating you from the inside.</p>
<p>Could you please give it a grade and show me points where I can improve. MY SAT is this Saturday, so please.
Thank you in advance for your help.</p>
<p>im givin this a 9..or a 10 at most..
i like ur examples.. but i think they are short.. mayb u cud elaborrate more also try to put in a statement relation ur first example with teh second:
"Not only in music, but even in my personal life" or somethin like dat..
otherwise u hav a good varying sentence structure..
practice and im sure u'll do well..
best of luck..</p>
<p>Some good history examples : The Roaring twenties 2 the great depression (imo the apotheosis of this example).
Also technology is in itself a GREAT example.
From literature : Try TGW. Joad Family succeed in gettin to california. However it turns out to be a disaster.
I would give it 8-10. It just seems that your disasters seem kinda wierd... like they just arn't that big of a disaster. This is mostly the second one. I liked the first example.</p>
<p>Also from history - The transcontinental railroad and basically the invention of railroads. It created in a sense chain gangs of chinese immigrants, decimated the indian population. It basically destroyed minorities (kind of drawing a conclusion >.>). I know this one is stretching it by far... but SAT graders would most likely accept it.</p>
<p>You should receive around a 9 (8-10) for this essay. The length isn't bad at all, and your examples are fine, although I believe the second one is a bit weak and more statement of fact than commentary. To achieve greater than 10, you must display mastery in more advanced writing techniques (vocabulary, syntax, development). You have much potential as a writer, so come testing time with practice you should have it all down.</p>
<p>"The Beatles and a close friend of mine prove the above thesis."</p>
<p>Avoid using statements that tell the reader what you're going to prove (let alone say where your thesis is). They already know (or should know) what your essay is trying to prove. Avoid "I believe...", "I think...", "Perhaps..." when writing a thesis statement, which should be as strong and concise as possible. (general advice not directed towards you-your thesis was sound enough but could use a bit of rewording)</p>
<p>For a 10 next time, make sure you fill both pages..and use more advanced vocab.
Advanced vocab could've made your weird 2nd example into a fab one.</p>
<p>I filled all the lines but one. Could you please illustrate where to replace the words in the 2nd example. I usually change to Advance vocab words during revision but didn't have any time to revise. It took me nearly 25 minutes to write as I started very slowly. Thanks again man.</p>