Grade my essay?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hi CC, can you please grade my essay I got a 12 on it from the e-rater.</p>

<p>Essay Prompt:</p>

<p>A colleague of the great scientist James Watson remarked that Watson was always “lounging around, arguing about problems instead of doing experiments.” He concluded that “There is more than one way of doing good science.” It was Watson’s form of idleness, the scientist went on to say, that allowed him to solve “the greatest of all biological problems: the discovery of the structure of DNA.” It is a point worth remembering in a society overly concerned with efficiency.</p>

<p>Adapted from John C. Polanyi, “Understanding Discovery” </p>

<p>Assignment:</p>

<p>Do people accomplish more when they are allowed to do things in their own way? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Response:</p>

<pre><code> Since ancient times and centuries have many people discovered and innovated their own objects with their own ideas and ways. While many people believe that to do something his way is the only way; other people completely disagree with that sentiment. Many inspiring people have found their own ways to get what they want accomplished; whether it was money or a new scientific theory, and after all, to do something with someone's own mentality is to create something which no one has ever tried before. One cannot force a man to stick to his routine in doing things; many a man must find their own way in doing things which are asked from them to do.

Karl Marx's student, Lenin, was once forced by his mentor to do something with his own way of thinking and stick to his way; however, Lenin was not convinced that he should do that; he objected to Marx and told him that he would do it in his own way. Karl was infuriated by Lenin's words and a heated dispute emerged betwixt them for a period of time. They continued not to talk to each other for over 3 months because of that quarrel. Marx thought deeply about what he had done to Lenin and offered his compensation to Lenin by writing Lenin a letter in which he felt deep remorse about what he had done 3 months earlier, and that is how Karl knew that to do something is to do with one's own way or technique.

Many people argue that the mundane in which someone acts is the most important of all, one of the great people who advocated this thought was Al-Khawarizmi--the founder of algebra and algorithms. Al-Khawarizmi was a modest man living in a village and writing books in his own hut; he advocated free thought and taught all of his student to think constantly about the tasks he had given them. He taught his students to think critically under harsh circumstances what they would do about solving these conundrums which Al-Khawarizmi gave them. Al-Khawarizmi was very impressed when each of them found their own way of solving the conondurum, and that is why in the world of mathematics today may people continue to find their own ways in doing what they wish.

Once, in 1134 A.D, the Caliphate of the Abbasid Empire, Rashid Al-Haroun, was looking for a man to hire to be a province of a country. When he interviewed the first person he asked him: What would you do about the commands I give you. The man replied: I would follow them precisely. Al-Haroun was not happy to hear that statement, so he dismissed him. He later interviewed another person and asked him the same question: What would you do about the commands I give you. The man replied: I would follow them only if they agree to my rationale. He was accepted because he had his own way of doing tasks.

Again, I reiterate my claim that a man must always think rationally and do what he is asked for with his own rationale, a man must not be forced to do something which he is against doing and that he must continue to thrive to innovate further and prevail thoroughly throughout it.
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<p>All of the examples are fictitious--I made them up.</p>

2

<p>it was good, the first sentence of the intro paragraph was awkward. Some grammar mistakes (should’nt be an issue). 12 is a little excessive I would give it a 10-11, but I am always harsh on essays.</p>

3

<p>To begin, your first paragraph is a disaster. My impression is that you do not speak English as a first language and that you have to find ways to speak around the points that you don’t know how to express directly. The result is that the paragraph needs to be deciphered in order to understand the points you are trying to make.</p>

<p>The first sentence is a prime example of what I mean. “… innovated their own objects with their own ideas and ways.” I assume that means something like “created inventions by following their own ideas.” Two other examples are: “to do something with someone’s own mentality is to create something which no one has ever tried before”, and “many a man must find their own way in doing things which are asked from them to do”.</p>

<p>In addition to that awkward wording, the sentence contains unnecessary pairs of words when a single word should have been selected. “Ancient times and centuries”, “people discovered and innovated”, and “with their own ideas and ways”. These unnecessary pairs seemed to be added as padding, or as a result of your inability to decide which of the two words should be used. Finally, you also seem to have a problem with pronoun reference. (People/his, many a man/their)</p>

<p>The example of your second paragraph, the Marx/Lenin dispute, contains two concrete details. The first, that the dispute lasted three months and the second, that Marx wrote Lenin a letter, are insufficient to convince anyone that you really understand what happened during this event. Of course I know that you made it up, but if you’re going to make up examples, you ought to make up concrete details to show that you know what kind of concrete details would be necessary in a situation like the one you describe. What did Marx forced Lenin to do? Why did Lenin think it was the wrong thing to do? What convinced Marx that he should change his position?</p>

<p>I would also note that “compensation” would not ordinarily be used in this context. “Apology” is more appropriate and would have allowed you to use half as many words to express the same idea. Also, “that to do something is to do with one’s own way or technique” is another example of speaking around a point that you don’t know how to express directly.</p>

<p>A similar point about lack of concrete detail could be made for your second paragraph. What tasks did this teacher give his students? And is it really likely that the entire history of mathematics was changed so that “in the world of mathematics today may people continue to find their own ways in doing what they wish.” (Was “may” supposed to be “many”?)</p>

<p>Your final example is also a little hard to believe. Not many medieval rulers would tolerate a subordinate with an attitude such as you described. But, hey, it’s your example and you can make it up any way you like.</p>

<p>Other than a comma splice ("…ask for with his own rationale, a man must not…") which joins two separate sentences into one, your final paragraph makes several of the same mistakes I’ve already described.</p>

<p>If I am correct in assuming that English is not your first language, I should let you know that essay scorers are not allowed to take that fact into consideration.</p>

<p>Score 3/6.</p>

4

<p>Wow… that was harsh Wood, English isn’t actually my first language. thank you for pointing out all these things.</p>

5

<p>Wood5540, can you give me more advice about what to do in my essay. I want at least a 10 or an 11 the next October trial. Is that possible?</p>

6

<p>Sorry if I was harsh. I was actually trying to be helpful.</p>

<p>As far as advice goes, I do have some. With as little time as you have left, I think you need to do two things. First, Read, Read, Read. Read things you like and some things you don’t. National Geographic, The Economist, Time and Newsweek, the New York Times are good places to start. Online you could try the Huffington Post and the Drudge Report, but realize that they both represent somewhat slanted political points of view. (That is actually good. Read articles about the same topic from both points of view.)</p>

<p>All that reading will improve your vocabulary, give you a stronger sense of the word orders and usage that is common in American English and will provide sophisticated information to draw examples from so that you don’t have to make them up. (Most readers know when you do that, not that it matters much. However, it is easier to explain ideas you already understand than to invent elaborate details to explain ideas you are composing in your imagination on test day.) </p>

<p>The second thing you should do is to write and to show your writing to someone who is a native English speaker and who knows how to criticize writing. When you put your own thoughts into words, you will expose any weaknesses you have in your own understanding of English word order, and a helpful reader can suggest vocabulary words that will be more appropriate than some you may have relied on. In addition, a reader can give you feedback about how completely and directly you are expressing your ideas.</p>

<p>I once had a test prep student who improved his total SAT score over 700 points in two months simply by working hard on his mastery of English. Not only did his verbal score improve, but his math score also went up over 200 points. Think about it: much of the math test is presented in written form. In his case, even though his first test scores were terrible, I knew he was smart. I reviewed his answers and realized that in almost all cases his wrong answer choice was the second best answer. It seemed clear that his problem really wasn’t that he was blindly guessing; it was just that when it came down to deciding between the last two choices, he was tripping over the language.</p>

7

<p>Wood, I am not that bad in word usage or vocabulary, it’s just that when I write an essay I try to make it elaborate as much as I can (Which sometimes seems to be negatively effecting the essay score). I already read a lot and constantly get an average of above 600 on my CR and above 650 on WR (I have improved a lot since my June test and continue to improve). What I really think I need is learning to write an essay effectively which I can’t find out how to do so. Any tips? I hear that top essay scorers write essays in a formulaic way, can that be applied to me too?</p>

8

<p>Personally, I think the best approach is to have something worthwhile to say and to say it straight. Don’t puff it up to try to sound like you are an Oxford PhD. Sound like a person who has read significant literature about the world and is capable of thinking about it.</p>

<p>Let’s say I told you that the secret formula is to have a clear topic sentence and three examples. The clear topic sentence is easy: the prompt gives you two choices, so pick one and state it. Okay. Now what? The three examples. What are they, and what are you going to say about them? Where do they come from? The formula may say you should pick one about Napoleon and another about some science topic and a last one about world affairs. Sounds good. So, what are you going to say about Napoleon? More importantly, what are you going to say about Napoleon that develops the topic?</p>

<p>That is where the formula stops. The rest comes out of your knowledge and your ability to think in a mature way. If you don’t have that, you don’t have a good essay no matter what the formula tells you to do. What are you going to do? Will you answer a question about ambition and opportunity by telling me Napoleon’s portraits always show him on a horse or with his hand in his coat? Are you going to say that Napoleon was very, very ambitious and that he set high goals for himself and then move on to your next example. Maybe you’ll tell me that Nobel-winning scientists are very ambitious, too, and that that’s why they are credited with inventing a myriad (gotta jamb in those vocab words) of new innovations.</p>

<p>I am an SAT reader. I hate to tell you how many thousands of essays I’ve read that are just like that. They scream “Test Prep Tutor Crap” at me. Sometimes (nowhere near as often as I would like), I know they are written by someone who is following a formula, but they are still good essays. The difference is that the good writers have something real to say, even if I know they are making it up. (I like fiction, if it’s good fiction. But to be good, fiction still has to have something to say.)</p>

<p>Sorry. I’m venting.</p>

<p>The formula for a good essay requires two primary ingredients : first, the ability to think in a mature way, and second, something significant to think about. Language and style are important, too, but without content you have a really hot car and no gas.</p>

<p>You want help for the October test? How about doing a little summertime homework? Read the Wikipedia article about Harry Truman, all of it, and then make a list of the conflicts and the lessons that his life can illustrate. It will be worth your effort, and it will give your SAT reader a break from Hitler (and Napoleon). Do it sooner rather than later and then PM it back to me. I’ll do my list, too. We can compare lists. That will tell us both how much work you have to do in the ‘thinking about what you know’ department.</p>

9

<p>By the way, the proof of my point is your last post. You were writing about what you know, your problems writing a good essay, and you wrote it in an excellent paragraph. It was direct, efficient, had quite a lot of information in few words (I call that ‘information density’), and relatively few grammatical errors. 5/6</p>

10

<p>Ok I will do that asap</p>