Grade My Essay?

<p>Hi, does anybody want to grade my essay:</p>

<p>Should we be influenced by others' perceptions of the beauty of people or things? </p>

<p>The essay prompt, by the way, comes from the score report I got from the PSAT 2006. It is a "SAT" Practice Essay, so here it is:</p>

<p>It is completely ridiculous to follow someone's perception of beauty, especially if it can yield disastrous results. A young girl sits near the television, admiring the beauty that is on TV. She witnesses a woman with a cowboy hat holding a ciggerette, and later, a few models walk through the stages of Milan's fashion show, as the flashes of cameras spread out through the television screen. These examples will inevitabely give dire consequences.</p>

<p>Advertising smoking in a glamorous way seems to be extremely powerful for smoking companies. Commercials and billboards show attractve men and women, holding their ciggerates, which puff all across their screens. The young women who look at this sigh and envy to "look" cool like what has been shown to them. They immediately try out the ciggerates, and at first, it seems cool. After a few months, these girls see yellow teeth. One of the girls report detecting wrinkles, yet they still endeavor this path of beauty, hoping to be like the people on TV. As their health deteriorated, we see that their decision is giving them opposite results. By following the smokers in the media, they were influenced that smoking will give beauty. They were unaware of the horrible consequences it would led to as they followed them. </p>

<p>Let us visit a new set of girls, who enjoy reading material such as Seventeen Magazine, The girls were the typical high school girls: loved to go shopping for the trendy clothes, and of course, look just like the models in the magazine, who wore what they just bought. These girls were shocked and simotaneously admiring the skinny weight these models had. One of the girls said, "Let's go on a diet." Another begins to write a list of goals, which included possible workouts, and the amount of calories to stay away from, which also had which foods to eat. Yea, it seems everything went well for the girls. As they attempted their diet, they felt proud for their weight loss, but they wanted more. One of the girls decided to eat 50% less than she currently did. Another decided to go bullemic! These girls were still not proud of their weight, yet they starved; they wanted food but they thought: what if I get fat? These women faced a horrible struggle as they dieted for the sake of beauty. They compared themselves to the models, neglecting basic needs, which gave them an unhealthy lifestyle. </p>

<p>Being influenced by others for the sake of beauty rather than thinking about one's own needs is wrong. These women disregarded what they really needed: a great health.</p>

<p>bump. 10characters</p>

<p>I give your essay a 10, for being complete, well thought out, and focused. However, you should work on correcting awkward phrases and idioms that occasionally pop up in your writing. For example, "give consequences" is incorrect; so is "give beauty." Many sentences I would not consider grammatically incorrect, but could be greatly improved in terms of style. There are a few spelling errors, which I would not dock points for, but they could subconsciously present your essay in a poorer light. An overall fine effort, but you should focus on the areas I mentioned.</p>

<p>I'd give it a 10 too but.. like a low ten..<br>
The conclusion is good and so is the first body paragraph. However, the second body paragraph is not as good.<br>
"Yea, it seems everything went well for the girls." Do not say Yea. Just say "Everything seemed to go well for the girls"
The models and magazines thing is very overdone (A lot of people will probably write about girls and magazines).. esp. on a topic like this. It may be better use something less overdone.</p>

<p>lol, the yea part, I attempted to sound like the old writers back in the day.</p>

<p>along the lines of what smallworld said, it's impossible to "endeavor" a "path."</p>

<p>i thought essays were graded out of 6? im guessing im wrong..</p>

<p>it's graded by two readers who can each assign up to 6 points, so the final essay grade is out of 12.</p>

<p>Avex, I'd give your essay a 9-10. It's overall fine, there are some mistakes.</p>

<p>You characterized a stereotype of a typical high school girl. That is a big nono.</p>