Essay Feedback [Pretty Please? :) ]

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>I timed myself for 25 minutes this morning and wrote this essay..I'm practicing for the January SAT..first practice essay I've written. Straight forward, honest feedback would be greatly appreciated, thank you! :)</p>

<p>Prompt: In a culture obsessed with superficial appearances, our leaders should be those who can see beyond the surface. Judging a book by its cover is the job of the consumer, but reading the book--pondering its contents and perhaps seeking to write new chapters--is the job of a leader.</p>

<p>How important is it to look beyond superficial appearances?</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>Living in California--the home of the movie stars, I see superficiality all around me. Many of the faces in our music and film industries are known and admired solely for their bodies--not their talent. That needs to change, however. If anything, this unhealthy focus on body image and superficial appeal is having a detrimental influence on our society today--especially the younger generations. By portraying sex goddesses such as Paris Hilton and Madonna in a positive light, we are providing a skewed view of leadership and what it takes to be a leader to children. By learning to look beyod superficial looks, our society as a whole can benefit from new leaders with bright minds, because after all, a pretty face will always remain just a pretty face.
(NEW PARAGRAPH) If we keep basing our support on physical appearance when we decide who to give power to, our world will not change for the better. We need to look beyond the dolled-up facade to choose individuals who have something beneficial to contribute to society--anyone can look beautiful, but only some people truly have intelligence. Those are the people we need to find and look up to in order to better our communities. Those are the individuals we want our posterity to look up to--because they are well-known for their brains and NOT by how much skin they are willing to bare.
(NEW PARAGRAPH) It is vital to the future and state of our society that we learn to look past the cover of the book. [BEEEEEP. TIMER WENT OFF]</p>

<p>:) So, what do you think...HONEST please.</p>

2

<p>First off, you will want to be able to expand your length on the actual test, so keep practicing your speed in order to be able to write more.
I think what you wrote was pretty good. I saw some good SAT vocb words in there, so that's good. Also, be careful to stick STRICTLY to the prompt; it seems you teeter on the brink of wandering off topic in your second paragraph.
Overall i'd give it a 4 (1-6) or an 8 (1-12)</p>

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<p>Thanks for taking the time to read this :)</p>

<p>anyone else? Please?</p>

4

<p>just add another para and I'll give u a 10.</p>

5

<p>"How important is it to look beyond superficial appearances?"</p>

<p>Not very important - for collegeboard's essays. Go longer, make it more superficial ;)</p>

6

<p>You did not give specific concrete examples; too much generalization. I would give it a 9.</p>

<p>On my SAT essay, I went into vivid detail on one main topic and then did the generalizing BS only in the conclusion.</p>

7

<p>to me 10 is impeccable</p>

8

<p>Could've been longer.. That would be nicer.</p>

<p>I say 3-4 so 6-8 and "maybe" 9. More likely it's between 6-8 though. I'm somewhat biased on essays that aren't very long so yeah.. Nice structure though.</p>

<p>haha... Paris Hilton as superficial person haha good one... It would've been even better if you describe how stupid she is on TV and still gets title as "HOT."</p>

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<p>hahahahaha, from the person above. its true. anyways, i would give it an 8</p>

10

<p>thanks... :) anybody else?</p>

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<p>PRACTICE ESSAY #2
Prompt: "To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within.
Adapted from Ward Sybouts, PLANNING IN SCHOOL ADMINISTRATION
<em>What motivates people to change?</em></p>

<p>ESSAY:
I used to have a problem. I wasn't lethargic or stupid or even ugly--my dilemma was that I was mean. My negative personality didn't affect me because all it did was expand my ego. I didn't even know it was a problematic characteristic until my mom began to notice a pattern in my life--I would make lots of friends, thenas I got to know them well, they would start to leave. I never knew why my friends always got upset easily, or why I seemed to be turning people off. I mean, I had what everyone wanted, right? I was pretty, intelligent, and funny. That's when I realized that it was my sense of humor that always seemed to offend people often. That was when I decided to change--I didn't want people constantly being mad at me. I wanted to KEEP my friends. We, as human beings, can't spot our own faults. When other people comment on our negative traits, however, THAT'S when we start to pay attention. It takes other people's influence for people to WANT to change.</p>

<p>[new paragraph] It is human nature to change for others. Whether it's for our boyfriends who think we're too fat, for our teachers who think we're too verbose, or in my case, for our friends who feel we're too mean.</p>

<p>[new paragraph] This is why I disagree with the quote by Ward Sybouts--our motivation to change does NOT come from within. It would take a really strong person to remain self-motivated when they're trying to accomplish a feat such as losing weight or getting over a death. The obese need trainers, and the mourners need therapists. All the time, we need someone other than ourselves to help us get through our struggles. To use my earlier example, if I didn't have my mom to notice my fault or if my friendship sweren't on the line, I wouldn't have to change. I could keep on being the same old person with the same negative comments. However, for me, it took an outside force to help keep me motivated in changing myself.</p>

<p>[new paragraph] It's other people who have the biggest impact on ourselves. They help start the engine to our road of change.</p>

<p>SO, what do you guys think? Please score my essay and give me honest feedback. Much appreciated!!! thank you.</p>

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<p>please grade...</p>