Grade my SAT Essay please

<p>Could you grade this essay for the SAT ,so i can have an idea how i am writing ? Here it is ...</p>

<p>Prompt : America was founded on a paradox. The founding fathers of this country simultaneously stood for rugged individualism and a government by the people and for the people .This contrast has long made the American spirit, to the extent that there is one , one of the most fascinating to sociologists and political scientists . It seems logical that one cannot stand for both individualism and community . </p>

<p>Assignment :Do you agree with the claim that the needs of the individual and the needs of the community must always be at odds ?</p>

<p>My essay -
A famous psychologist theorized that the needs of any person are in the form of a pyramid . First comes the most basic needs- air , to breathe . Then comes food , then shelter . And only after such life sustaining needs met come more complicated ones like that of affection and respect . In this way ,logically we can see that the needs of the individual always precede the needs of the community . Evidence of this exists in everyday life . You will look in you wallet before you begin to get concerned about the economy of the country .</p>

<p>However,such a comparison need not always be in such crude terms . For example , in setting up of any society , the needs of everyone is attempted to be accommodated and rules are set up ,which limit the amount of freedom a person has so as to prevent a breach of someone else's rights. These rules are however almost always agreed upon by the individual as well as the society as they are both affected by it .</p>

<p>This argument can be further substantiated with an example of the revolution for civil rights in The United States of America in the twentieth century .
A revolution takes place when a large group of people com together to fight for something they all want ,which is being unfairly denied by the oppressors . In the protest for Black rights , the needs and concerns of Rosa Parks , Martin Luther King ,and all the members of the African American community were the same . In such an example , the needs of the individual and the community are the same , and this leads to a more peaceful and harmonic way of living .</p>

<p>I will conclude my argument by saying that , in the most crude terms ,the individual and the community will always be distinct , but in times of struggle ,they will unite to achieve their common goal</p>

<p>//On typing this , i noticed i was a bit repetitive and bland</p>

<p>My thoughts as I read:</p>

<p>First paragraph:
Lots of small grammatical and structural errors:
First <em>come</em> the basic needs
Use parallel structure when you reveal what the basic needs are
Next sentence ("And only…) is ungrammatical. It should read something like:
“Only after people meet these vital needs of theirs can subordinate concerns like affection and respect come into the picture.”</p>

<p>Actually, I really can’t be bothered to go into all the specifics. I’ll just hash out a few more things.</p>

<p>“I” “You” “We” Don’t shift between point-of-views. It’s not 100% taboo but the best writers won’t do it at all.
Use more varying and precise words. You overuse the word “such”</p>

<p>I’m not saying this to put you down, but your essay has endless small/significant grammatical errors that would put me off if I was grading it. That being said, I’m not an SAT essay grader. </p>

<p>Here’s what I would do if I were you:
Copy and paste the essay into MS Word (and see all the green squiggly lines lol)
Print out the essay and have your favorite English teacher correct every error with you
Get your multiple choice down for the writing section
Perhaps read some good articles and absorb their authors’ writing style and syntax</p>

<p>If I had to give your essay a grade, I would say 3/6 but I could also see a 4/6.</p>

<p>Thanks . I will work on it</p>

<p>Ok , leaving out the grammar part , which i can easily work on , what do you think of my examples and my language ?</p>

<p>Your examples and language are limited. This essay is a solid 3/6 IMO. Definitely not 4/6, but possibly 2/6.</p>

<p>^ Ditto that</p>