Grade my SAT essay please?

<p>Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.We do not take the time to determine right from wrong. Reflecting on the difference between right and wrong is hard work. It is so much easier to follow the crowd, going along with what is popular rather than risking the disapproval of others by voicing an objection of any kind.Adapted from Stephen J. Carter, Integrity Assignment: </p>

<p>Is it always best to determine one's own views of right and wrong, or can we benefit from following the crowd? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Your Response
While it is important not to take action solely to fit in with the rest of society, every person should consider the wisdom, advice, and experiences of other people who can guide others in choosing their on stance on what is right and what is wrong. This is evident in every human being's life, as we all, at one point, have been influenced by the words or actions of another person, to the point that we may alter our viewpoint on life completely. </p>

<p>In the Harry Potter series, Harry is a foremost example of how someone may have the right intentions in doing heroic deeds, but will sometimes let his "morality" risk his life, when his friends could help him along his journey. Whenever Harry must face Lord Voldermort, he always insists to his friends that they desert him, because he fears that his friends will become hurt because of him. In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Harry breaks off his relationship with Ginny Weasley. He knew that Ginny would be targeted by the Death Eaters. He decided he would find a way to defeat Lord Voldermort without Ginny at his side. His intentions are admirable and selfless, as he is willing to risk his life, without risking the lives of others. Yet, Harry later learns that he can't succeed in his task without the support of others, such as his good friend Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. Ron and Hermione accompany Harry, and are able to give him assistance with their individual strengths, such as Hermione's intellect and Ron's knowledge of the wizarding world. Without Ron and Hermione's help, it is possible that Harry would not have succeeded at all in stopping Voldermort's evil doings. Dumbledore often tells Harry that he is much more powerful than Voldermort, because Harry has the power of "love," which Voldermort does not have. Harry has the support of his friends, which is much more reliable and powerful than the support the Death Eaters have for Lord Voldermort (which is based on fear). Thus, Dumbledore, Hermione, and Ron have shown Harry that support from friends is incredibly beneficial, and that one must learn how to depend on their friends, if one must accomplish a difficult task. </p>

<p>In the real world, we see how influences from others can motivate people to become better versions of themselves. Many people in this world are cynics, their cynicism supported by the pessimism of their surroundings, but their view of the world may soften when they meet exceptionally inspirational people who have succeeded despite many adversities. For example, Ted Lobajavic, a man who was born without arms and without legs, is a popular motivational speaker who has traveled around the world, advocating self-acceptance and a positive outlook on life. His audience, partially composed of people who don't appreciate their lives, realize that if someone like Ted, who has a wife, a child, and can do many things that an ordinary human can do, such as surfing, that they too can live out the lives of their dreams. They shift from viewing their life as a succession of failure to an opportunity for achieving happiness, as long as they are grateful for the positive aspects of their lives. </p>

<p>Thus, it is obvious that human beings can benefit greatly by taking in the advice and support of others to turn around their perspectives. If human beings were to be rigid in their opinions, then human beings as individuals would never be able to progress. And if ideas and opinions were not able to exchanged, then it just may be possible that humanity as a species may not be able to progress.</p>

<p>So what would would you score it?
Also, I'm having trouble getting past the low 2200s range. I keep on making obvious mistakes in math (i'm a very functionally fixed person..any way to get out of it). i know for reading, i need to work on my vocab, since those are the only things i get wrong. as for writing, i'm never sure about idiomatic phrases...or i mark an error when there is none...any tips? Thanks!!</p>

<p>I’d give it a 9/10 maybe. (over 12, of course) </p>

<p>As for Math, practice is really the key. Just keep doing it over and over again and take note of what is being asked for. Don’t jump to conclusions in your head.</p>

<p>Idioms need memorizing, plain and simple. You could become more familiar with them through exposure to correct formal English, but that would be too time consuming!</p>

<p>If you have time, could you drop by and grade my essay too?<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1553045-please-grade-my-essay-1-12-ill-grade-back.html#post16375212[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1553045-please-grade-my-essay-1-12-ill-grade-back.html#post16375212&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>How should I improve my essay? I notice I lack fancy vocabulary…I’ll work on that. Is my critical reasoning okay though?</p>

<p>I think the connections between the thesis and the supports are kind of stretched, meaning you should phrase them in such a way that the examples clearly lead to your TS. </p>

<p>Also, you’d do well to avoid being too “technical” with your examples (See your use of terms and names like “Death Eater” or “Dumbledore”). Maybe I was able to understand it because I’ve read Harry Potter, but the same might not be true for the ETS graders! :D</p>

<p>How should I improve my essay? I notice I lack fancy vocabulary…I’ll work on that. Is my critical reasoning okay though?</p>

<p>Use the words that convey your ideas (whether those words are “fancy” or not). </p>

<p>Fancy vocabulary often causes readers to laugh out loud in the reading room. I hear it every year.</p>

<p>Is my critical reasoning okay though?</p>

<p>You dance around the question.</p>