Please give my essay a score from 1-12 and give any advice that could help. I did make up most of the details of the examples.
The prompt: Can success be disastrous? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue.
Response
For eons success has been characterized as a positive food, a force that drives invention and innovation and manifests in a better world. Success, however, is often instead a complex, underestimated peril. Examples seen throughout history evince this fact.
The Battle of Penghu, in 1683, was an intense naval battle between the Chinese Qing dynasty and forces of the Kingdom of Tungning. One great general of the Chinese fleet, Ling Lang, was convinced his 14th Guard would bring him victory. During the confrontation, General Lang commandeered his his troops to a victory that would expand China into new territory and establish control over a greater region. After his great victory, he was renowned throughout the land as “a brilliant mind,” a charismatic leader that would stop at nothing to succeed. Over time, however, Lang fell out of favor as his navy failed to achieve victory during Chinese conquests of Malaysia, and as he undermined his reputation he was released from his post. Success for Lang ended in failure as he failed to live up to higher expectations.
The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck, set during the Great Depression, sheds light on another side of success. The Joads, a poorer family living in rural Oklahoma move to California to seek new dreams and opportunities. After arriving in California, the family is forced to separate to find work in different areas. Although logically successful,the move resulted in failure as the Sam Joad, the father of the family, committed suicide shortly after the separation. The emotional toll of success achieved through harsh means often results catastrophically.
Success, once achieved, brings with it problems and dangers. Despite being widely sought after, it in no way guarantees a fulfilling or promising life.