Grade this essay please!!

<p>It's not written by me, maybe a girl. I wanna see what's your opions about it.</p>

<p>Kaplan Assignment two :
If you want to become an expert in a certain field, do you need to have more talent or more motivation?</p>

<p>Talent is a requisite in one’s pursuit of expertise. Scientists without certain perspicacity can not discern changes which promise ground-braking achievements; musicians without astute sense can not become artists but artisans. But as important as talent is, talent alone can not lead one to a refulgent success. To achieve expertise above all others, to become the “big Boss” in one’s own field, one needs to have a strong mind that is full of motivation, which helps one to keep on striving all the time. People who substantiate my point of view are Walt Disney and my sister.
The designer of “Mickey Mouse”, Walt Disney, was once a poor man working in a mouse-ridden Kansas City studio. His humble career can hardly subsist his life and to him the chance of prosperity was rather small. But Disney had always cherished a hope that one day he would become successful in building up an animation empire, which would influence all the cultures and nations. He strived upon this dream with high motivation and finally God rewarded him with the “mouse”. The image of “Mickey Mouse” has since become an icon world-wide: even Franklin Roosevelt was obsessed with this lovely figure. Disney’s prosperity and authority in the animation field was established through his constant endeavour, which in turn was generated by a high motivation. He is of course talented, but it is the high motivation that drives him towards the eventual achievements. But for this strong will and determination, he would back out of his pursuit, and there may never be the Disney miracle.
Sometimes high motivation can even make up for lack of talent, as in the case of my sister. A quiet and peaceful girl, my sister had never thought that one day she would become a debater. But it so happened that she was selected as a member of the school debate team. After a moment of surprise, she determined that she would do her best to prove that she was worth the selection. Immediately she embarked upon assiduous practice, training herself to speak most forcefully and powerfully. Her endeavour paid off when her school won a third prize in the regional competition. When asked how she accomplished this “mission impossible”, my sister told me that she had strived so hard to live up to her fellow students’ expectations, which motivates her to overcome all the difficulties. My sister’s success shows that people can achieve expertise and success in even fields they had no knowledge of previously. My sister is by no means a natural debater, but her motivation made up for her weakness and helped her achieves a certain level of expertise.
In conclusion, high motivation can definitely drive people towards expertise and success. I am glad to draw this conclusion, as it is good to know that everyone has an equal chance of being successful, despite their different level of talents. Walt Disney and my sister are definitely not on the same level of competence, but they both achieved their success through high motivation, a force we ordinary people can seek to possess.</p>

<p>Overall I'd say 8-10 (probably on the higher end). I can tell you put lots of effort but I think that you maybe tried to hard to impress the examiner. I see many SAT words but you should remember that essays with high level words only get top marks if they have the proper grammar to back it up--which you do not show. Occasionally you chose a high-level word where a medium-level word would have worked better (which would have improved the flow of your essay).</p>

<p>Grammatical errors such as "To achieve expertise above all others" should be written as "To achieve expertise above that of all others". Read the sentence isolated from the rest of the body and you'll realize its ambiguity. You have many more instances of bad and/or choppy grammar (your sentence structure doesn't flow). A good example of bad and choppy grammar in one sentence is "Immediately she embarked up assiduous practice, raining herself to speak most forcefully and powerfully." In my opinion, people don't generally embark on practice, and I wouldn't describe the practice as assiduous. Also, you should use "more" instead of "most", and try to avoid putting two "lly" words together (they don't flow well).</p>

<p>Also, for the sake of the SAT I would remove all references to religion (e.g. God). You never know who is reading your essay. </p>

<p>Sorry if I seem a bit harsh, but its my constructive criticism.</p>

<p>Ahh!!! sorry I didn't realize this wasn't your essay. What do you mean "maybe a girl"?</p>

<p>I got a 9 on my essay and it was ten times shorter than that one but also had proper grammar (on which I over-emphasized, I think). I'd say the one you posted is about what the last post said. The grammar's a bit off. She has a quite few sentence fragments -- like starting sentences with "But" -- and several subject/verb agreement errors. She had good ideas but forgot to remember the conventions of grammar.</p>

<p>Overall, I'd say she should score an 8.</p>