I’ve been going through here awhile and finding posts on parents complaining about there kids not wanting to walk the stage, and over all many people are saying that the ceremony is not about the actual student, but the parent so they can have so kind of bragging right. Everything I’m reading makes it sound like the college isn’t at all for making the student proud of what’s a great accomplishment but making there parents who, realistically did nothing, proud of themselves for just having a kid who went through college.
I’d be perfectly happy not to fly across the country just to spend hours in some sweaty football stadium or basketball arena just to see my kid graduate. As it turns out, Covid-19 canceled it anyway this year so we don’t have to.
Some parents do need to get a life. College isn’t a do-over for the parent who might have messed their own experience up the first time around.
I believe that many parents are sad about the loss of the graduation ceremony FOR their kids. They want their kid to experience that moment, that pride, that celebration with their educators and classmates , they want their students to have that. They are sad for their kids’ losses. Not because of the loss of the experience for themselves. And it’s not necessarily about walking the stage. It’s about taking an afternoon, a day, to celebrate the student’s accomplishment, hopefully with the important people in their life. The parents are on the sidelines, literally…they are sitting in huge crowds, focus on the kids, where it should be.
Heck I don’t even have a senior this year and I am sad for the seniors, both college and high school, that don’t get their day in the spotlight.
Probably not a popular sentiment on a college website, but I think graduations are overrated especially high school graduations. For some, it can be a big moment achievement and celebration but for my kids who are bright and who have faced no economic or other hardships, I don’t necessarily see it as a big milestone. It’s pretty much expected. Same with college, frankly.
In some ways I agree that graduation is overrated. I didn’t care much for my graduations. However, my kids’ high school graduations were an emotional moment for me. It wasn’t about being proud of some huge achievement. It was more that I had known most of my kids’ classmates since pre-school, some since birth. I had watched all of them grow up together. I coached many of them for years. I was their room mom, playground monitor, team manager, etc. They spent many nights in my home, and my kid in theirs. I watched them grow and thrive. And graduation was the moment where I could watch them all with a happy smile knowing they were going off to their respective colleges/lives. It was the end of a big chapter of my life.
I told H that I am not near as invested in their college graduations. I didn’t have a thing planned for older S even before the virus mess hit. We would have had a little party, for sure. And I recognize that this is a much bigger achievement, and I am proud. But, the emotional investment is not there…
I share the sentiment with those who think graduation ceremonies are overrated, especially in large universities and sweaty football stadiums. However, I have found my collegiate D20 to be quite dejected about missing the pomp and circumstance, if only as a form of closure since she hasn’t seen her classmates since early March. I decided to plan a purple party (immediate family only) on the day of the virtual ceremony and we will fly the NU flag (literally) for HER, as she is very proud to have been a Wildcat. However, I am secretly happy not to have had the expense of airfare for 3, hotels, meals, Ubers, etc… We can put that toward MM, if universities reopen in the fall.
I told get that, the need for goodbyes and closure with friends/classmates who are likely going off to different places in the country and even the world.
Both of my kid’s college graduations were absolutely joyous events for them. Probably the best picture we ever took of my S was from his graduation – standing with a couple of close friends with the biggest smile ever. And my D also absolutely reveled in her day. So it IS the graduates I feel badly for – they will miss the traditional celebration of a rite of passage and and the end of a chapter in their lives.
That said, all kinds of celebrations are being cancelled/postponed – health and safety must take precedence in this difficult time. Hopefully families can find safe. innovative, and meaningful ways to celebrate.
My daughter’s graduation from a big SEC school was actually scheduled for today. I don’t think she is that bummed about missing the actual graduation ceremony. But she is seriously bummed about missing all the last month of parties and celebrations and hanging out with friends for the last time before they all scatter to the winds. And all those lost Instagram moments that she will never get back!
Our kids wanted to walk and wanted us there. We were happy to attend.
My parents were very much into higher education, but hated graduations. So…they made other plans for the day I graduated and didn’t attend. TBH I was hurt. I attended a smaller University and walked with my name called. My fellow graduating sorority sisters and I got together at the house and I was the only one with no parents present (they lived about an hour away). It was embarrassing for me. My best friend/roommate who was a year behind me stayed at school for a few extra days to be my “family” at graduation. I will forever be grateful to her for that.
My D just commented to me yesterday about what a let down high school graduation was. However, she goes to a smaller college and they gave some special traditions on grad day. She would HATE to miss it.
One of mine skipped college graduation. It was her business to decide. She had some health challenges and it would have been nice to celebrate, but no big deal.
Another one of mine did walk, it was hot, and we went to his department for a little party. The food was good.
I think the OP has kind of a dark view of a normal rite of passage. If the student wants to walk there is nothing wrong with being happy for them. “Narcissism” is bit strong.
My daughter finished her last college assignment yesterday and grades are out today. She is very sad about missing graduation. The school is still planning a ceremony mid-August. I so hope it happens! They’re already planning for distancing, etc.
Like @happy1’s son, I think my graduation photo captures the biggest smile I’ve had my entire life. My dad handed me my diploma since he was one of my professors.
Later that day, I got a speeding ticket. I was so happy I didn’t even care! For a lot of students, graduation is a wonderful occasion, a time to celebrate with friends and family.
I have one kid who really, really likes graduation ceremonies. She’s attended friends’ events, volunteered at ceremonies for other classes at school, and just enjoys the atmosphere.
She’s otherwise quite a sensible individual.
Like many of you, I don’t enjoy graduation ceremonies and only go because it’s the right thing to do to honor the person. But I do enjoy some of the other festivities surrounding graduations. We had a blast at some of those for both of my kids’ graduations.
Also, I clicked on your post because the words “secret narcissism” cracked me up. Those of us dealing with family members with actual narcissistic personality disorder know there’s no secret about it!
@massmomm, ha, you’re right - “secret narcissism” is a perfect example of an oxymoron!
Many kids would not graduate without the love, support, guidance, and sometimes pushiness of their parents. To reduce parental contribution in the academic success of their kids to just having conceived and given birth to them is short sighted. Many parents’ self-worth is tied to the accomplishments of their children. Successfully launching their kids is the biggest and most important role of their lives.
I don’t think any of us were looking forward to the graduation ceremony itself, but DS was certainly looking forward to senior week and the chance to enjoy the company of friends for one last time in their "bubble " without the pressure of classes and to chance to say goodbyes. In smaller schools, the ways in which they dismantle their communities are generally well thought out. I don’t think he’s feeling as much of a loss over not walking but I suspect there is some. It’s a celebration of a class as much as personal achievement, and it’s nice to mark the former with the former!
I was looking forward to the small gathering of relatives who were happy to use this excuse to celebrate as a reason to see each other as well. Our family is small and far flung, so events like this are little anchors in our collective family life (and sure beat funerals. )
But this also marks time. It’s a milestone. Sure, it’s one we all expected he’d meet and on the schedule he did. It represents the end of this phase. For me, these have become bittersweet but important all the same.
My younger daughter actually graduated first. She did not walk in the graduation ceremony and did not want me there. I’m really done arguing with her over these things so I just let it go. Her roommate’s (and teammate) family wanted her to go out to lunch with them. Nope. She was in the NCAA tournament for her team the next weekend, so I went to that. She was kind of pissed that not many people sent her cards or gifts, but she was the one who didn’t want a big deal made of graduation. Two years before her boyfriend graduated and his parents through a big party like something out of the Godfather with envelopes of money being slipped into his pockets. Even if she had gone through with graduation, nothing like that would have happened.
Her sister graduated 6 months later and she DID want a big deal made of it, so we did have a lunch and flowers and pictures in the grad outfit. I think when younger daughter saw that she was a little disappointed that she hadn’t walked in graduation and had a party. Her decision and she had to live with it.
Say what?
I want to be at my daughter’s graduation to demonstrate just how proud I am of all the things she has done. If I wasn’t there, she would be extremely hurt.
And it sometimes is about the parents. I paid for my parents to fly across the country so that they could be at my PhD graduation/hooding. I also had my father hood me. If not for may father, I likely would never have done my PhD, and so my graduation was also about my parents.
The fact that some parents have toxic relationships with their kids does not mean that this is the rule.
As for “did realistically nothing”? I’m truly sorry if you had such a relationship with your parents, and I mean it. It is extremely sad when parents do not do anything to forward their kids education, or to help and support them, even on college.
However, I know what I have done to help my kid get where she is, and get where she will go. From living in a locations which provided the type of education in which she could shine, to providing academic and cultural enrichment opportunities, to supporting her in academics, in her social life, and in general. We have also helped her in many small ways in college - being academic, we could give her pointers and advice in all sorts of areas. We also have, hopefully, inspired her.
Finally, we have provided unconditional love and affection and support. No matter how bad she feels, no matter how difficult her college work is, she knows that she can call us, day or night, to vent, get a sympathetic hearing, and a different perspective (that it’s not really THAT bad).
So yes, my wife and I did a lot, from when she was a fetus until she graduates. We are unbelievably proud of her, but we know that we contributed a lot to her being where she is, and to, at the end, her graduating.
Moreover, I am absolutely, unquestionably, 100% certain, that the same can be said for every one of the parents here. While I have had many arguments and even fights with other parents here, there is one thing that I never doubt, and that is that they have done everything they can to help and support their kids, and that all of their kids’ successes are, to a large extent, the result of the love, support, work, and contributions of their parents.