My daughter is miserable. She has not one single friend. She attends a small LAC. She is going to clubs, counseling, meeting with student support, trying to create a study group (no one turned up), being friendly, not being needy, etc… Her confidence is gone, she is very lonely and sad. She is very normal and had plenty of friends at home.
What are some resources or groups that other colleges have for students who are struggling to meet people? I have heard of clubs for “homesick” kids, or lunch tables where people are encouraged to sit and talk. Can anyone provide specific examples? (I want to discuss the lack of such at my daughter’s LAC, because I have heard of such things. I have a phone call scheduled with the Dean of Students tomorrow, but am having a hard time finding actual names of such resources or specific colleges.)
I read your earlier thread. Did your D ‘ditch’ the group she was not comfortable with?
I know you have heard this 100 times, but it is still early in the game. Groups are still forming, early groups are breaking up.
To answer your question, I have heard from a poster here, that there is an app called something like sit with us. It’s for kids who need/want to eat with others in the cafeteria but may arrive alone.
I would have your D talk to her RA as well as her orientation leader. I bet they know of numerous kids who feel the exact same as she does and they can perhaps hook her up with them. I would also tell your D to (as awkward as it may seem) to identify a few girls and then suggest going to lunch/coffee/hanging in out in room etc with them, perhaps doing this one at a time.
I feel for you and your D- this is really tough. Though not sure you speaking with the Dean is the right approach. I would encourage your D to navigate for herself first, with lots of your helpful advice, before I would have that call
Yes, she ditched the mean girls and it is tough. She is sitting alone most of the time. Or she will sit with kids, and they might say things like “let’s make plans” and she texts and never hears back. She tried to make a study group, three kids were up for it, but on the day, no one responded. She is not just hiding in her room, but it is now getting painful to see happy groups in the library, so she doesn’t want to hang out there either. It is emotionally draining for her.
Agree that she needs to just approach a kid at a time. BUT, guess what, she did that today. Asked about a homework assignment, kid texted. Followed up with “what are you doing this afternoon?” and got no response. I told her she should try to text with specific plans. I know teens are flaky, but she just feels like she is being snubbed all the time. She is a really normal kid, so she is feeling rejected.
Ultimately, I feel that time is the best bet, but it’s hard for a suffering student to know when that might be.
My D is already baring her soul to the student adviser and the counselor. She doesn’t need more adults to talk to, she needs kids. I will encourage her to talk to the RA though, as I don’t think she has really done that. However, I know the RA is aware of her situation, so not sure if the RA has been talking to her. She hasn’t mentioned it.
I am contacting the dean again because we have already spoken, though my D doesn’t know about it. I have been over all the available options. I have definitely read about other colleges that offer dining tables for kids on their own, support groups, study group sign up sheets, etc… and her college doesn’t offer any of that. It would be simple, and at this point, I am annoyed. Plenty of kids must be in a similar position and it seems ridiculous that the college has no way to get those kids connected. (By the sounds of it, no one is using that sit with us app at her college yet.)
It is hard when they are struggling, but going to be honest. I would not be calling the Dean of Students. Unless your kid is at risk of self harming, you need to let her work this out. She will move to new cities, start new jobs, etc in the future where she doesn’t know anybody. If it were my kid, I might go visit for a weekend and give her a small break (I flew to CA a couple months ago to do my own “wellness check” on one of my kids I was worried about – it was worth it). Maybe send a care package (cookies & frosting kit? She might find kids in her hall who want to help.) She should join groups like theater or the school paper, something time consuming with other people. But sorry – calling the dean and insisting that they need ways to help lonely kids find each other is over the line helicoptering, IMHO.
@intparent I already did. If you were on my end of over a month of daily, multiple distraught phone calls and texts from a kid who has been honestly trying, you might do the same. Maybe I won’t contact him again, but I don’t think it is helicoptering. I would certainly never dream of contacting the dean about a professor, or tests, or homework, or partying kids, or anything like that. She is on her own where that is concerned. I am getting seriously concerned though and I feel like she has tried virtually everything.
I am paying a lot of money for my kid to be completely and totally miserable. My biggest concern is that she will become so despondent that she might not be able to even get good grades, and that would be a disaster if in fact she has to transfer. I do appreciate your perspective, and in ordinary circumstances I would agree that I am going over the top, but I am at a point where my concern for my child is overruling my desire to not be seen as a pushy parent. The school could be doing more, IMO, to offer some kind of risk-free support group or something for kids who are struggling, and there is literally nothing like that. As I said, she is being proactive and is making no progress. It’s easy to say give it time, and I have said that a million times, but she probably views it as empty words.
I am looking for suggestions and not criticism. I have never “helicoptered” my kids at high school. Maybe I am thin-skinned, but I defy any parent not to try and do something after hearing what I have been hearing for over a month.
I can see that you are heartbroken - but remember, kids call/text when they are at their worst. I bet there are some nice moments going on to and you don’t hear about that. It’s good she ditched that other group - but how long has that been? Can’t be more than a week - right? So you do have to give it time. I do think the RA could be a good sounding board - the RA is after all a student, is trained in homesickness 101 and probably knows multiple girls who feel just like your D.
Didn’t think you would like the message. But I stand by it. She has been there a month. Keep being supportive, making suggestions, sending care packages, and giving her pep talks. Interfering behind the scenes will backfire – she likely will be mortified if she ever finds out you talked to the dean. The fact that you haven’t told her you already did it once means you know it is out of bounds.
Thanks again for your view, but I can’t undo what is done. And btw, the website states that parents are invited to contact the dean about any concerns they might have. I am concerned, and I did was I thought was right.
She has been there for well over a month, and I have sent her many care packages and cards, etc… I support her every single day. I want the college to support her too.
It’s ultimate your decision whether or not to speak with the Dean. I tend to agree with @intparent though. But if you do make that phone call, temper your expectations. Dean likely to advise speaking with the RA, the counseling center etc. Don’t expect a homesick kids table to suddenly pop up by weeks end. The dean will empathize, but will also tell you that your D’s experience is common and perfectly normal. We all want to make our kids hurt go away immediately. A week of loneliness can feel like an eternity. But time is really your D’s best ally here. I just saw a friend’s daughter who recently graduated from a top school and who now has a homesick sibling starting in college. Said she had a terrible first semester. But ended up with a fabulous 4 yrs. The way she put it, is that the majority have a painful first semester, some just do a better job of masking it.
@mrpractical my heart goes out to your daughter and to you. It is hard to get those distraught texts and phone calls day after day after day. I am not sure what I would do exactly if I were in your shoes, but I have a feeling my husband would be calling a few people at my daughter’s school if it was going on too long, regardless of whether or not anyone on the outside thought it was helicoptering or whatever.
I am wondering if guiding your daughter toward re-framing her thoughts about her current situation might help even a little. My daughter has always tended toward being a bit of a loner and doesn’t seem to need a lot of people around her to feel good about herself, and one of the things she would say to my husband and I when we would get nervous about her limited to no social group in high school is “there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely.” I understand from you anxious posts that your daughter is very lonely right now, but if she could embrace her “aloneness” just a little she might find way to be okay with it for the time being. Not having a ton of social obligations can be very liberating so there is a positive side to being “alone” right now. She can do what she wants and needs to do whenever she wants without much regard to the needs or schedules of girlfriends or boyfriends or anyone. She can take as much time as she wants in the shower, at the gym, a museum, a coffee shop or wherever. We all know that as we grow into adults, get married, have children and jobs that we are juggling that the very same “aloneness” that seems so overwhelming to her right now may be VERY welcome once in a while in the not so distant future.
We are social beings, and her current “friendless” situation is extremely unlikely to be permanent. You are correct about giving it time. And, she is likely to meet the best friends by the most unlikely circumstances. Maybe it is the person who happens to do laundry on the same day and time she does, or on the next treadmill at the gym, or in line at Starbucks.
@mrpractical It felt strange to read this because I am in an extremely similar situation to your daughter’s and heavily identify with her. As much I believe in taking initiative for yourself, etc, I think that schools should make more efforts to facilitate meetings between “normal” yet lonely freshmen. Because doing it all on your own really, really takes a toll. Not sure what the dean might say, but something I discussed with the counseling office at my school is forming a “support group” of people or even just having a social event put on by counseling to which lonely freshmen are invited, can connect at, etc. You might be able to suggest something along those lines to the dean. Maybe even to your daughter’s school’s counseling?
To everyone saying she should tell her daughter to just push through it, I understand where you’re coming from, but it’s okay to ask for help sometimes. Isolation and hiding your trouble can lead to awful mental/emotional results…I’d know. Value exists in strength, but strength doesn’t mean trying to take on these massive issues by yourself 24/7. Kudos to you, @mrpractical, for helping your daughter as much as is possible. I really hope that all goes well for her and that her next call home is a bit happier!
@tessjane77 thank you. My D knows I have been in contact with someone at her college. She isn’t wild about that, but at this point, even she is willing to admit she needs help. I will pm you, tessjane.
There are some nice ideas on that post, but many of them are applicable to the first couple of weeks or so. I fail to see why the college can’t just have a discreet support group for kids who are struggling. The problem with so many activities is that yes, they are great but nearly all involve risk.
It is a risk to get up the courage to go to yet another club, to go to yet another event, by yourself. It is intimidating to walk into a room full of strangers, especially when they are all laughing and talking. My daughter has been taking risks by going to clubs and events, but they aren’t paying off…yet. But she is feeling defeated and dispirited. It’s been six weeks, and I don’t know how much longer she can keep on trying and failing.
It makes me angry that they can’t see that for these kids, it would be so simple and risk-free to offer something like a support group, and I know that many colleges do. This is making me angry. It seems a huge oversight, and I am guessing that retention rates are mostly due to kids who just can’t find their niche. I think the poster @tessjane77 hits the root of the issue for kids like her and my daughter.
@mrpractical What is the freshmen retention rate at your D’s school? Is it lower than at peer schools?
And was the Dean helpful at all?
The retention rate is 94% but there is always room for improvement. Other comparable LACs have slightly higher rates. The Dean wasn’t any more helpful than the student advisor, though he was sympathetic. I did not talk to him yesterday, I want to do some more fact finding, but I spoke to him previously.
94% is still pretty high. You have to figure that the students that fall into that 6% are made up of a couple of groups.
-those who came to school still pining for an Ivy or whatever their top choice was and transfer out
- those who struggle academically and transfer or take time off
- those who come with good intentions but then never click with the school and decide to leave.
So the number of kids in that last category is pretty small at a school with a 94% retention rate
I really hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe it might be your daughter’s growing desperation of making friends that’s kinda scaring people away? From what you’ve posted, it seems like she’s starting to get depressed about being so lonely and she is trying to force friendships to happen. For me personally, coming off as too desperate on a first impression is a pretty good way to scare me (and probably many others) away. I know it’s not your D’s fault, cause like you said, she doesn’t have any friends yet, and I would personally be starting to get desperate at this point as well to make at least one friend I can count on.
But like what many other posters on here said, sometimes friendships form from the most unexpected places. I can tell you this from first-hand experience. I became friends with some random guy who asked me about where the bathrooms were in the dining halls. We asked each other about our majors and made a couple of jokes as we went to the bathroom. We decided to go eat together after and it turns out that we had quite a few similar interests. Me and him still go eat together every Tuesday cause that’s when we have a break at the same time. Long story short, I never expected us to meet over something as simple as asking for where the bathrooms were.
Anyways, hope your kid has luck in making some good friends soon.
My son is a commuter so it was tougher to make friends than it would be if he lived on campus. He joined clubs that were doing things he liked – the longer and more involved the activity, the better. His favorite is a club that takes day trips once a week but he also attends game night on a regular basis, seasonal clubs (like ski club), school spirit events, and any one time events that catch his interest. After his first semester he got a part-time job on campus in an area that lets him interact with students. He considered joining the school paper or magazine because he loves writing and those are time heavy commitments (so you get to interact with other students a lot), but he just doesn’t have time.
He also uses classes as a way to meet people. He took a theater class because part of their grade involved going to shows as a class. One week they took a bus trip to a Broadway show, but other shows were on campus or a short bus ride away. In other classes he keeps an eye out for people he’d be willing to do a group project with (many professors allow the students to pick). He tends to choose people he recognizes from another class because that gives them something else in common.
I think your daughter is putting too much weight on individual events. She should view each one as an opportunity to socialize, not necessarily a night to make friends. The first will lead to the second if she gives it enough time, but she can’t force it. Texting someone about an assignment then asking what they’re doing later is blending business with pleasure. It’s like approaching someone you don’t really know at work and asking what time tomorrow’s meeting is then following it up with an invitation to lunch. I think she needs to slow down on that a little and focus on working the clubs. Be friendly and talk to everyone, especially people who are on their own or in small groups. She should make an effort to remember names and say hi to the other students by name if she runs into them on campus. I’m also an introvert so I understand how tiring it can be, but the effort will be worth it.