<p>I used to need a lot of private time when I was younger, and, when I didn't have a single in college, found that it was very easy to get private time by hanging out in the stacks of the school library.</p>
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Seems kind of sad to need to learn to "hide" from people, did you ever want to not need to do that?
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<p>An extravert might think that needing to be alone from time to time is "sad." To an introvert, it's a normal, everyday method of recharging one's batteries. It's not that we introverts don't like people; we do. It's just that having to socialize 24/7, especially in large groups or with people whom we don't know well, is draining for us. We need opportunities to NOT do it.</p>
<p>The "sad" thing is that in a college environment, for students who must share rooms with others, "hiding" may be the only way to get the time alone that some people need.</p>
<p>Nicely said, Marian. Sometimes, when I see an extravert who seems to need a great deal of social contact, I think that is sad. Some extraverts seem overly needy to me. For me, alone time is FUN and I can't imagine missing out on that fun. But who am I to say that these extraverts aren't happy being the way they are? </p>
<p>Same thing goes in the other direction.</p>
<p>when my Ds were little, they were "shy", but I worked with that</p>
<p>when we went to the stores, they paid, when they wanted something, they asked the store people where it was, when they were getting their haricut, I stayed in the background</p>
<p>I don't know, I wasn't judging, I truely wanted to understand the need to "hide"</p>
<p>I am an extrovert, and understand the need for quiet time, getting away from it all, but I wouldn't describe it as hiding, maybe its that choice of words</p>
<p>And if my kids were naturally more shy then they were, I would work with that, as being overly shy can indeed be a detriment for work, going to school, etc</p>
<p>And it is something that can be worked on, as it has to do with confidence and fear</p>
<p>with my Ds, it was, what is the worst that happens if you ask where the polly pockets are, they don't know!!!</p>
<p>^I gotta say, citygirlsmom, sometimes you are a little extreme (hehe), but I really wish my parents had helped me break out of my shell more when I was younger! They were very inpatient with my anxiety around people and almost always became too protective/overbearingg/"in charge", especially in simple situations like the ones you described, such as buying clothes at stores, and getting groceries and haircuts. Now as an 18 yr old, I can barely call someone on the telephone and still feel uncomfortable doing things like setting up a hair appointment or going to the post office. So, I just want to commend you for not pushing your kids to be extroverts but in seeing the wisdom in teaching them to be comfortable with basic social skills like that. </p>
<p>Now that I'm off to college my parents are finally forcing me to get out there, and I have to say that I'm learning really quickly, and I'll probably be just fine. Would've been nice to go through the learning curve earlier, though! That said, I have always had a LOT of friends my age (who find my phone phobia hilarious) and am comfortable being an introvert when it doesn't hinder my ability to get basic things. I, too, need to "hide" from people occassionally. So many people feel like they need to start up a five hour long conversation with you whenever they see you, otherwise you aren't "friends", and I just want to be left alone for a bit, no pressure, no expectations! So, yes, I do often go to "hide" from this kind of "assault", and I think it is an appropriate choice of words that carries no negative connotation whatsoever.</p>
<p>Whenever our family comes home from a social event we scatter. We all need our alone time.</p>
<p>All 3 of my kids are very shy when talking to new people but they all love to sing and dance and act on stage!!!!!</p>
<p>I also think there is a difference between shyness and introversion, though they often appear in the same person. Shyness can, as citygirlsmom said, be a hindrance to succeeding at work or school, and it is something that can be overcome by things like talking to clerks.</p>
<p>I was shy as a child and am still a bit shy when talking to new people. I wish I could overcome that, and I'm working towards it. But that is a separate thing from my introversion, which I do NOT wish to overcome. My introversion causes me to choose solitary activities more often than most people, and it causes me to need time to recharge after social activities. Because I enjoy being alone, and I am very productive in various ways when I am alone, I don't see this as a hindrance at all. It just means that I make different choices than many people in order to maximize my happiness.</p>
<p>Anyway, this thread has gotten a bit OT, but I hope the OP is finding the conversation useful nonetheless.</p>
<p>I grew up in a family of 6 children and had no privacy....when I got to college same thing...but I too sought out space to be alone.....whether that was at the library or under a tree....everyone needs space. My D is definitely one of them and she too will have a private room....so she can close the door when she needs to study or get some sleep. She also has serious migraine issues and would have been a real pain in the butt to be someone's roommate....darkness/quiet sometimes are the only remedies.</p>
<p>Interesting discussions.</p>
<p>I'm a huge extrovert who found ways to 'hide' in college. In the library--on the fire escape--on my bike--in the park--wherever. I spent hours and hours on my own with my head in the clouds or my nose in a novel. Friends used to tease me when they would see me walking the park trails with a open book.</p>
<p>Creating your own space in a crowded institution is an important life skill. No one can create that space but you.</p>
<p>just want to back up Irene's comment ... I think of introvert and shy as separate things (and I was both).</p>
<p>I think of introvert/extravert in the sense of Myers/Briggs where is a question of how one best recharges their batteries ... and for introverts that is with some alone time. That is neither good or bad ... it is just their preferred place to be when they are tired/stressed. And yes I eventually had singles when I was in college and that worked MUCH better for me. Frankly, as I've gotten older I've done a better job of realizing when I need space and finding acceptable ways (as a spouse, parent, coach, boss, worker, etc) to get that space ... for introverts finding this space helps them.</p>
<p>Shyness is different and, for me, was a much bigger hurdle to being confident socially. My extreme shyness made it VERY-VERY difficult to go up to strangers in social situations when I started college ... I was so afraid of rejection or that people would think poorly of me ... which severly limited my ability to proactively seek out new friends. That's why my earlier posts talked about moving forward in baby steps ... however one's shyness is limiting them don't expect to be a radically different person ... but realize everyone is in the same boat of not knowing anyone when the school year starts ... and hopefully push a little beyond your comfort zone to reach out to people more than you have in the past.</p>
<p>My oldest son's advice...
the BEST time for meeting new folks and making friends is going to be at the beginning of the school year. As time goes on, people will form into their own "groups"- sororities, frats, teams, clubs, cliques, whatever you want to call it. But at the very beginning (especially the first few weeks/months of college) everyone will be LOOKING to make friends. So take advantage of that "openness".</p>
<p>If your D is shy, check out the shyness.com web page, which is run by famous Stanford psychologist Zimbardo. Very helpful info there.</p>
<p>I was extremely shy when I went to college. Baby steps work. I endured lots of angst as I developed better social skills through having to meet lots of people in college. It was very painful, but worth it. Afterward, I was still shy, but less so. At middle age, I am not shy (with the exception of when I'm traveling to foreign countries where I don't speak the language), indeed am known as gregarious. My Myers-brigg also changed from introvert to extrovert (not extreme extrovert, but still, extrovert.) With the one exception that I mentioned, I easily can go to places and meet people.</p>
<p>College is the best time to start getting over shyness. There's lots of tolerance for awkwardness because many people are in the same boat and are one's age. There also are many chances to work on developing skills.</p>
<p>I agree with doubleplay that the best time for joining clubs and meeting people is early fall semester, freshmen year. The welcome mat is out. Lots of people are new and awkward. If one hesitates, it becomes much more difficult.</p>
<p>About shyness...
I've often thought about shyness, much like stage fright, as a sort of self-conscious form of self-centeredness. Please don't flame me on this. I used to be shy as a child, and the way I got over it is by thinking less in terms of "how do I look? what will people think of ME?" and more in terms of giving of myself to others. I found that being nice to people, making people feel good, being happy and bubbly and friendly, took the focus off myself and helped me to become better at socializing. Everytime I felt self-conscious I'd mentally shake myself and think, "stop thinking about yourself!" </p>
<p>It was sort of an attitude shift. Most people don't want to be "self-centered" and most people want to help others feel good about themselves. Thinking about socialization in those terms helped me come out of my shell.</p>
<p>How doubleplay describes getting over shyness is what helped S get over his shyness. He developed that way of looking at things by getting facilitator training in a youth empowerment program. When he started focusing on others and how they were doing and what he could do to help them instead of wondering what they thought about him, he became a very funny, outgoing facilitator.</p>
<p>I think it also helps if you think of it as having a job or a role to play. The two years I was PTA president I was really good about being outgoing. At least at school events I knew exactly how to introduce myself and I knew it was my job to do so.</p>