<p>I have created a new name here to protect my privacy because I am a long time member ofthis community. My D is a soph. at a top tier university, which is 6 hours from home. She was very social until middle school, then not so much, in 1oth grade she found her niche at her h.s. (the nerds, geeks and loved them all very much). She experienced alot of rejection by friends in middle school.... </p>
<p>Since going away to college, she was going to reinvent herself but met a very closed society at her college.....if you don't drink you don't belong. She tried some clubs but they cancelled so many meetings she jsut gave up. More and more she spent time alone. She has a private room as many do but, it seems to allow her to withdraw totally....as I think she goes to class, studies and that is about it. She gave her self a birthday party, (for fun she had a pirate theme). This summer she was very social with her h.s. friends at first but then many went back to college to do a summer session but after her bday that was it. (june) She retreated to her room and her laptop. She worked. She walked (alone) and that is about it. </p>
<p>Since she has returned to school, she never emails, or txts like she did last year. If i talk to her i get one word answers. Social anxiety. Obviously she has it. She also when she was younger was paralyzed by stranger interactions. I think we all know college is a lot of that. (she walked out of a store with a woman that looked like me when she was about 4 or 5 and that may have caused this fear)</p>
<p>I am now trying to get her to a psychologist to work with her on this anxiety...helping her work on social skills. Problem is that she has to be the one to call this psychologist and wont' respond to me. she did tell her sister she doesn't care what people think anymore, has stopped trying to be social and there has never been a guy who has even found her remotely attractive (she doesn't really talk to any....)</p>
<p>I don't want to keep hounding her because she is trying to be independent but I am very concerned about her giving up on being social and withdrawing totally. She is probably fine with all this.</p>
<p>I just need advice if any of you have any to offer.</p>
<p>I am so sorry. Does your DD have any hobbies? Could you talk to her proctor or resident dean in the school? Sometimes you just need one right person to help the kid. If I were you I would ask any friends, uncle,aunt...near her to visit her or just ask her having lunch together.</p>
<p>Does she sing or play an instrument? Music can be incredibly therapeutic and I know that almost every campus has student run Acapella and other performance groups.</p>
<p>Sueme, I'm sorry but your post seems to signal some worrisome signs that your daughter may be really depressed. Is she living within short distance or is she some distance away? I would have you drop in on her, take her to lunch, get your hair done together, have a shopping day if that is possible. The lack of communication could signal that she is withdrawing. Do you get the feeling that she may be fearful to leave her dorm room? Maybe this school is not a good fit for her if she can't find anywhere or anybody to make a connection with.</p>
<p>She has never liked telephones. Don't ask me why....she prefers txt, email, msging. My guess is she is just taking a hiatus from everyone. I dont' do much but maybe email her every week or so. She did txt me to let me know she was sick last week and had x exams on 3 hours sleep (just what parents like to hear)...then she took some nyquil and slept for 15 hours or so..and nursed herself through the weekend. </p>
<p>Hobbies: she knits sometimes. Sports: not that athletic, walks but prefers solitary walks, a little overwt since college as she is more sedentary and her medicine she is on when she started it caused a wt gain.</p>
<p>Overall she acts as if she has tremendous self esteem.....and has always resisted wearing jewelry (ear rings or anthing) because she is "perfect" and doesn't need decorations....probably overconfident in some ways but does have negative self image and is self conscious to exercise in public. She is a functional type of person....meaning clothing is just what it is. Make up is minimal to cover an occassional zit. Does not feel like she needs to conform to society's image of women....which is very good I guess...butprobably separates her from the college girl population. I am crazy about her and think she offers a refreshing viewpoint....heres who I am ....my concerns are how she is reacting to finding the social scene too hard. To give up. </p>
<p>I am not calling daily, nor txting daily. I sent a message yest asking her to call the psychologist to set up her appts. and sent her a message with the insurance info for that call. however , she has to makethe call....she has to set the goals with her counselor and work towards them. yet. the thing she hates is stranger interactions AND telephones....so not sure it will happen.</p>
<p>Sorry, missed that 6 hours away bit. Maybe you can take a long weekend to spend with her. Perhaps make an appt with a counselor on campus or find a off campus psychologist?</p>
<p>Oaksmom. she is a mere 6 hour drive. But, I would do it in a heartbeat but, not hair done, nails or shopping. She doesn't like those things. I feel like getting her to a counselor would deal with those issues as well if that in fact is what is going on. good point. I may go next week.</p>
<p>After the first semester or so, it may be tough to make friends at college. College may just not be an enjoyable time for her.</p>
<p>Perhaps the best way to handle it is to take a semester abroad. She would have a chance to meet some new people and interact socially. Then she could come back and finish her degree. That way it wouldn't have to be 4 years in a row without social interaction and would be easier to stomach. As long as she is performing to her potential academically, I think in the long run she'll be fine. College is not a rewarding experience for everyone.</p>
<p>Do you feel her school is open to the type of person she is...what I mean to say is she at a "party school" where she just doesn't mesh? Would she be better off at a school that is more free-thinking, more open to diversity?</p>
<p>I also don't want to OVERREACT to someone who simply likes some alone time....she may feel the act of going to classes, eating and such is enough for her in the social dept each day. Other issues: ADD but no assistance from the school because she would have to undergo entirely NEW testing not covered by insurance for a diagnosis that she has had since 4th grade. Yes, I know one person could make a difference but she has said she feels invisible there.....but won't consider a transfer because it is a top tier school...and is resigned to the fact that this is just how it will be.</p>
<p>Although I agree with colelgealum at some level...maybe the college scene might not be her thing...I really worry that you've got a really depressed kid on your hands. Many people can perform academically and still be miserable on the inside. What is most important is that her mental health is okay. You mention meds, if they are for psychiatric help she may need an adjustment to something different. Go see her and catch an exhibit or a movie in the area. While you are there see if you notice any interesting "clubs" or events on the bulletin kiosks that might spark an interest in her. Perhaps the school has a drop-in art studio where she could get out but do her own thing? Good luck.</p>
<p>It is not entirely true that she needs to make the psycholgist appointment. If she is willing and ready to keep the appointment and gives you permission to make the appointment and give information then you can do so. Remember that you are talking about social anxiety/depression. Sometimes it does not matter how the person gets that initial appointment as long as they attend and start the work that needs to be done. You need to see how your D would feel about this-I would suggest you keep it casual such as "I know you don't have much time and all this insurance stuff..." sort of thing. If your D says no, she will do it and she does not then you could go and visit and do it together. Good luck and hoping all goes well with her.</p>
<p>I too would recommend that you be very alert to depression. ADD and depression frequently present together - co-morbidity. Also, there is medication out there that works simultaneously on ADD and depression.</p>
<p>Asperger Syndrome? Just grasping at straws here but her social skills may hint at some degree of Asperger Syndrome rather then depression. I'm not a professional so I don't want you to think that I'm diagnosing her. Leave that to the professionals.</p>
<p>Sueme, I'm a former parent lurker who just registered, fwiw. </p>
<p>You've gotten good advice above, but there is something else you might want to consider. It's not statistically very likely, but your daughter might be bothered by sexual identity issues. It's stilll tough for kids who think they might be gay or lesbian. Sometimes that can lead to withdrawal, at least until the person gets comfortable with the idea. Then he or she has to share that new identity with others.</p>
<p>Been a long time since school, but I remember seeing kids go through this.</p>
<p>I don't think the gender issues is it. She has always been attracted to boys, and up until last year had plans to have 5 children....I think she fully expected to have a date in college but now feels like that is not going to happen. I think she feels she is not pretty enough for a guy to be interested in her ever.....and so now says maybe I will just adopt a child. Of course, she is only 19....and I am sure those thoughts are not uncommon.</p>
<p>My concern is isolation, becomming more reclusive, and of course the possibility of depression.</p>
<p>I will address my concerns with her. and ask that she see the psychologist a few times to help her with some of these issues. </p>
<p>Let me make this clear. She is not a danger to herself. She is ok or at least accepts her time alone. I know she needs some time alone since social settings even class is difficult for her. She wanted to go far enough away so she would be forced to grow up and be independent....but she had plans of joining groups and having friends. Year 2. no friends at her college. She has met many. Acquaintances from classes but no friends. She just needs one person to reach out to her and bring her in.</p>
<p>How was her social life in high school? Did she have a friend or two in high school? Has she always preferred "alone" time? Does she want to have friends but can't seem to find her niche at this particular school?</p>
<p>I admire her for giving herself a birthday party and with a theme no less. I would visit, take her out for dinner and have a long talk.... you will be able to see if she is unhappy or ok with this situation of no friends. Also re-visit her reluctance to move because she is at a top tier...she can get a good education at most colleges can she not?</p>