When my D started she was home for break. We literally just set her up with a blanket and a TV remote and brought her food and water and encouraged her to do NOTHING during the adjustment period. It was a rough few days with multiple calls in to her doctor, but the improvement in her mental state was almost immediate.
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What I struggle with is what “rescuing” looks like in this situation. Is it insisting she goes back to her school next year or pulling her out altogether? Is it letting her go all the way across the country to an organic farm/intense corporate internship or insisting she stays home (BTW she’s miserable at home). Is it insisting she goes on medications or listening to her when she says she doesn’t want any? It’s so hard when this is all new to you.
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That’s why I think the NAMI class will be so helpful for you. You will get a much-better understanding of mental illness plus a lot of tools to help your daughter. “Insisting” doesn’t work great.
I’m really glad she’s on leave already.
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I’m sorry that you struggled with my use of the word “rescue.
I didn’t think this term needed a definition, but basically for us, it was any and all means for saving his life. Unless you’ve personally been through this, your comment is hurtful.
The term “rescue” is what he considers that we did, and we will continue to support him and his team of mental health specialists.
NAMI will help you to understand.
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My favorite part of teaching the NAMI class is when I see the lightbulb go off for people and they start to “get it.” 
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It is hard as a parent to acknowledge that we are part of our kids issues.
You need to let her go to the farm. You can’t really stop her anyways. She needs support. She doesnt owe it to you to finish her degree right now. You owe it to her to allow her to find her own path.
eta: Kid1 took a mental health leave after being inpatient psych. Yes this will delay his career path but I dont care. My kid is doing things at the right pace for him and he is happier and has learned so much about himself. I have faith he will end up where he needs to be.
Kid2 just got suspended from school for vaping and maturely agreed to mental health support and is beginning meds regardless if his father disagrees with him. He too will end up on the right path for him.
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We all have a movie playing in our head of how we think our kids’ lives will go, at least in vague terms. It’s hard when the script changes. I thought my oldest son was going to get a PhD in biomedical engineering or become a researcher and find a cure for cancer. Seriously. Instead, he is living in an apartment with staff overseeing his care. He will never work. BUT he is happy and stable and I am so proud of him. So many people have told me, “He’s the kindest person I’ve ever met.”
I’ve posted this before - instead of asking, “Why me?” I’ve learned to ask “What next?” That way, I can move forward and make the best decisions.
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I am sorry about your son. I hope one day I can have the closure and open-mindedness you do about your kids as I do to my daughter.
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It’s a journey, for sure.
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Many of us have had kids with medical, psychiatric, or emotional challenges and many of our kids are now thriving.
I think the farm sounds like a great idea. I know kids who do National Outdoor Leadership School and WOOF in similar situations. Is this farm a WOOF farm?
I would however give meds another go. She is old enough to refuse. But she may have tried the wrong fit at first. Antidepressants fall on a spectrum of sedation versus stimulation, and also starting at a low dose can help the body adjust to them. Just as an example, Lexapro often starts at 10mg but my kid started at 2.5 (or was it 1.25?). Find a good psychiatrist or psychopharmacologist or nurse practitioner to work with. She may be able to improve on medications without therapy enough to heal at the farm.
Her school will most likely want to know what she has been doing before letting her return. The farm will help with that.
From what I can gather about your daughter and her drive and goals, the internship is probably something she will want to do and she will also probably want to return to her “top” school. It doesn’t sound like she is ready yet to think differently,and maybe that is true for family too.
Therefore, help her by suggesting registration with the Office of Disabilities. You can write a letter listing desired accommodations, including extensions on papers, extra time, single room if desired, excused absences for appointments, and reduced courseload without financial impact. Have a professional sign the letter- they don’t mind- and submit it to the O of D. She will then have a letter for each professor and can negotiate with them. A dean and psychiatrist, MD or therapist can also provide support and advocacy.
You only get accommodations if you are in treatment. She really should try meds again. For some kids meds are more important then therapy as are life experiences made possible with the meds.
Talk to her about the concept of a geographic cure. Flying off to the farm may not change how she feels, without meds. It really depends on whether her mental health issues are situational (and COVID is quite a situation) or whether it is brain-based and needs pharmacological treatment. For major depressive disorder, meds actually heal the brain and prevent “kindling,” a phenomenon in epilepsy and psychiatric issues where episodes get more frequent and more severe. One year on an antidepressant like Lexapro may prevent that.
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Your posts about the NAMI class got me thinking. Are there some tips that you think would be worthwhile to provide here to parents whose students are moderately struggling, but not at NAMI-level intervention? In other words, is there any part of the NAMI training that you think can apply more widely? Thanks!
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We have emphasized this to her many, many times. Frankly, it seems like both the farm and the high-pressure internships are her searching for geographical cures. Not okay in our book. DD is not in the right mind to make decisions for herself — anxiety and depression severely inhibit one’s ability to make decisions.
I agree she should try medication if she hasnt.
But what I struggle with when reading this is that mom admits the kid is miserable at home and that it was moms dream for this top school.
I think a switch to “hey, perhaps try medication so you can make great decisions for yourself” may work better than “I insist you do xyz because you are mentally ill and because you have to finish your degree.”
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That’s pretty accusatory of you. I wanted DD at this top school, but DD also wanted it for herself — far more than either DH or I wanted it for her. All her hard work in high school was entirely self-driven.
And she is miserable at home because all her friends are off to college and she has no one to talk to. Not because of anything we’re doing to her.
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I’m not insisting she take meds. She decided they were not for her and I don’t know if it’s a wise decision to cast off all meds entirely.
I think you really need to think about her age and parental role for that age. Let her make mistakes. As I said, many of us posting here have many years of experience with situations like this. It is really important to keep your relationship cooperative and not controlling. If you go along with the farm idea, she may change her mind herself. If she does go, it will either work or not work. Are you afraid of suicide? If so, she needs a hospital. If not, then what is the harm in her trying some things?
My only caveat is that even a low dose antidepressant can do wonders. These meds also help with perfectionism. We have had great success with Lexapro. Start at 2.5 mg and work up to 5 mg, and that may be enough.
She has lived in a tight box for years, it seems and it would be healthy to bust out before returning to her school. I also recommend National Outdoor Leadership School. The Leader in Wilderness Education (nols.edu) Here is WOOF World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms | WWOOF My neurologist’s kid did WOOF during college and is in med school now. One of my best friends used NOLS when her son was out of school with depression.
If she doesn’t take meds, let her go anyway. It can help us parents to have a therapist to talk to during these difficult times as well. It might help you feel more comfortable about her plans.
Her school will love the farm idea. They will want to see progress for her to return. Meds and therapy are also signs of progress so at some point she may need to consider them in order to return.
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Also try not to treat her like she is “mentally ill” (pathologizing) or has failed in any way. This can be an opportunity for change. She has been externally motivated her whole life (grades., parents, college admissions, career) and the process of maturity tends toward more internal motivators (interest, creativity, service).
What she is going through is not uncommon and really really common with the added factor of COVID. It is important for her to feel “normal,” that this period can lead to something better.
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You said this much better than I did.
As a parent who has been through similar, and who is emotionally disconnected from this personal case, I do read things said a bit differently than OP may have meant them.
While I 100% agree that our brains follow us no matter where we go, to me, I see this as a young adult who has tried some medications, they have tried therapy, they have tried tradtitional college. But none of that has given them joy.
What seems to not have been tried is supporting this young adult in taking a break and finding their true selves without the mindful and constant overbearing of trying to fulfill their parents dreams.
Our kids are allowed to change their minds. Let her pivot and try a new path for awhile. She would likely grow stronger from it.
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The thing is it can take some years for these things to unfold. Maybe she will want meds in 6 months. One of mine refused at first with a disastrous 6 months and has been on them now for 12 years, totally “compliant.” I had to let go quite a bit. In the end, the best resource for our kids may be our relationships with them. Balancing freedom for them with our concerns is tricky. They need to see us trust them and they need to see us as on their side. It’s tough.
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Again, DD is not trying to fulfill my dreams or anyone else’s dreams but her own. Frankly, I find your comments extremely presumptuous and rude. I’m going to ask you to stop participating in this thread as you seem to be mal-intentioned.