Exactly! Which is why I want DD to continue trying meds. But she refuses.
What’s wrong with telling it like it is? She’s mentally ill. That’s a fact. I don’t understand what’s wrong with pointing that out.
Haha 
Well, life is full of external motivators. I don’t want to work, but the “external motivators” of paying my mortgage force me to head to work everyday. Maturity is accepting the unpleasant facts of life (work, paying bills, treating illnesses) and finding joy in the pleasant. Nothing wrong with using external motivators IMO.
Please listen to the wise people on this thread. We’ve been down this road. I get together with a lot of parents to listen to them and give them advice.
As long as the Terns of Service aren’t violated, everyone is free to participate in the thread. You cannot ask people not to post.
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Well fifty percent of Harvard students seek mental health help. I am sorry cannot cite but I read that a few years ago. With COVID trauma all schools must have pretty high numbers. One of my kids teaches at a university and does a lot of accommodating for depression right now. Yes it is good to recognize there is a problem, but many aren’t actually “mentally ill,” in the sense of having a life-long brain-based diagnosis. Many have situational depression so are troubled but I wouldn’t use the term “ill.”
Regarding motivation: you might like to read Alfie Kohn’s book “Punished by Rewards.” You might not agree with it.
Do you work only for money? Was there some choice in field? Was that choice based on interest or talents? Internal motivation does not preclude working hard, in fact it may mean working harder.
It is hard when you come on a forum seeking help and people tell you that you might be part of the problem. But reflecting on that might help your daughter. And you. We are strangers but your posts are a little on the bitter side and I think you are suffering. NAMI and/or therapy can help us get some detachment.
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Right, lots of college students are not doing well under COVID. I wouldn’t be surprised if the vast majority of college students didn’t go to their school’s counseling services at some point during the past two years.
Yes, I only work for money. True for most Americans. If I won the lottery tomorrow, I’d mail back my work laptop with no explanation
Internal motivation takes a long time to find. I don’t think the vast majority of people in this country have it, and that’s fine IMO. Not sure how getting a therapist fixes that, but okay.
She has the internship lined up. It sounds like she wants to try it. However, she also wants to do this co-op first.
Again, do you have concerns for self-harm or safety?
She is 20 years old. Shes otherwise done well so far. But the past couple of years has been hard and isolating for many young adults. What are her reasons for why she wants to do the farm work?
I suggested that without worries for self harm, to perhaps show support and let her go. Let her know you love and support her no matter if she does the internship or not.
Your response was “I disagree with you because I think it’s unhealthy to give kids everything that they desire — especially when they are mentally ill”.
I get that its hard to let go. Especially when youve seen them struggle. But putting a short leash and trying to control the situation because of our own parental anxiety isnt healthy for our kids growth.
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I don’t think it’s hard to ask people not to be rude or make assumptions for an issue as thorny as mine.
You have gotten no inappropriate posts.
If you feel that someone has violated the Terns of Service, you can report the post. Don’t tell them they can’t post on your thread.
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Unfortunately, there isn’t a quick fix.
My occupation was in dealing with rehabilitation. I have countless psych friends and colleagues whom I consulted with, but they couldn’t help us to help our son because our son needed to tell us what he needed and wanted from us.
We provided support for his decisions, and yes, it has taken years. We spent a fortune on his tuition at his top 10 school, but we couldn’t allow him to finish there since that was too dangerous for him.
As parents, we have to combine what the counselors advise us and tell us, with what our adult children are expressing and requiring for help. Thank goodness for my inner voice that sensed he was in trouble.
NAMI works. They are currently deluged but are trying really hard to help everyone. We also needed to have our own discussions aside from his therapies:
NAMI Family Support Group is a peer-led support group for any adult with a loved one who has experienced symptoms of a mental health condition. Gain insight from the challenges and successes of others facing similar experiences.
NAMI’s support groups are unique because they follow a structured model, ensuring everyone has an opportunity to be heard and to get what they need.
** Free of cost to participants*
** Designed for adult loved ones of people with mental health conditions*
** Led by family members of people with mental health conditions*
** 60-90 minutes long and meets weekly, every other week or monthly (varies by location)*
** No specific medical therapy or treatment is endorsed*
** Confidential*
## What You’ll Gain
By sharing your experiences in a safe setting, you can gain hope and develop supportive relationships. This group allows your voice to be heard and provides an opportunity for your personal needs to be met. It encourages empathy, productive discussion and a sense of community. You’ll benefit from other’s experiences, discover your inner strength and empower yourself by sharing your own experiences in a non-judgmental space.
NAMI Family Support Group will help you:
- Aim for better coping skills
- Find strength in sharing experiences
- Not judge anyone’s pain
- Forgive ourselves and reject guilt
- Embrace humor as healthy
- Accept that we cannot solve every problem
- Understand that mental health conditions are no one’s fault and can be traumatic experiences.
Edited to add the link:
https://www.nami.org/Support-Education/Support-Groups/NAMI-Family-Support-Group
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My D was adamant about not trying ADs. No, we couldn’t force her. But the point we were at, it was hard to imagine that meds could possibly make things worse than they were. Her weight was dangerously low. The change in her outlook after just two days on an introductory dose was profound.
It’s so difficult because the illness itself (anxiety) prevents them from helping themselves get better.
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Thank you to the thread starter – this is a very difficult and important topic.
@compmom: are you (through the university teacher in your family) able to provide some examples of possible “accommodations for depression” students with this diagnosis can request?
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OP here. She had accommodations in age for anxiety and depression (mainly extensions on papers) but they didn’t end up being that much.
She was on low dose Zoloft for a while but quit because she said it didn’t help and just made her feel worse.
I work with many grad students who had been high achieving, perfectionist type people who have anxiety.
The accommodations I see typically are 1.5 times on tests and option to take in a private quiet room. Sometimes some extensions on other assignments.
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I’m so sorry your daughter is struggling. There have been times in my life that I felt stuck in an unhappy place and had to significantly adjust course. Part of me saw all the effort and decisions that had got me to where I was and was unwilling to let go of it all (the sunken cost fallacy). The other part of me knew that no matter how much I had worked and sacrificed to get there, I was in the wrong place.
I love the idea of the organic farm for your daughter. The Ancient Greeks said that a healthy mind can only exist in a healthy body. Farm work is certainly physically demanding and it puts us in contact with the earth and the elements which can be therapeutic in and of itself.
As far as her studies go, I would encourage her to transfer universities after she’s feeling a little better. It’s hard to turn a really negative experience into a positive one no matter how much positive psychology we apply to it. And I know I’m just a random person on the Internet, but know that I’m thinking of you and your daughter and that I wish she finds herself in a more positive mindset sooner rather than later.
Edited to add: I’m not an expert on medications but I lived with a relative that had to take meds for a very serious mental health problem and the side effects alone would put anyone off taking them. That was a while ago and I know there are many more medications available now but it still seems to be a trial and error process.
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I apologize for not reading every post in this thread. If your child is struggling and reaching out for mental health assistance, please make sure they also receive a full physical exam including bloodwork.
By no means am I downplaying any mental health diagnosis. My husband has ADHD inattentive type and I’ve struggled with anxiety since childhood. My oldest has ADHD combined type which was identified very early. When my younger child started sitting down on the soccer field, walking away from lessons at school, having major meltdowns when sleep and meal schedules varied, and exhibiting strange behaviors, we immediately thought ADHD or ASD and put him on medication. Worst six weeks of my life! We took him to the ER for a psych eval (at a hospital with pediatric psychiatric services), and they sent us home with a list of counselors. I felt he needed at least a urinalysis, but didn’t push it. They didn’t do any medical testing that day. Six months later, his odd and confusing symptoms became crystal clear - type 1 diabetes.
My ADHD child is a high school senior this year. She did a year and a half of Covid hybrid school and otherwise remained isolated until vaccines were available due to our jobs and the type 1 diabetes. She went back to school in the fall, and the end of first term was a real struggle. She would come home from school and theater rehearsal and go straight to bed. She would sit and stare at her homework and cry. She just barely passed a class required for graduation.
In November, she started gaining weight. We were concerned that she wouldn’t have the bandwidth available for college. I took her for a physical in January (moving to family practice from pediatrician) and there it was - hypothyroidism. I looked back through her medical portal and her levels were normal 2 years ago when she last had bloodwork done. She’s been on thyroid medication for 5 weeks now (in addition to her antidepressant/AHDH med) and she’s got a 3.8 GPA this term and finally goes out with her friends in the evenings. The difference is night and day.
Mental health issues and autoimmune disease often go hand-in-hand, it’s a complicated dance. Covid and other viruses can trigger or unmask autoimmune problems.
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I posted this above:
Therefore, help her by suggesting registration with the Office of Disabilities. You can write a letter listing desired accommodations, including extensions on papers, extra time, single room if desired, excused absences for appointments, and reduced courseload without financial impact. Have a professional sign the letter- they don’t mind- and submit it to the O of D. She will then have a letter for each professor and can negotiate with them. A dean and psychiatrist, MD or therapist can also provide support and advocacy.
My kid could not tolerate Zoloft. It is too bad the MD started with that one, which may discourage her from trying a different one. Of course we adults know that it a trial and error but young people are often anti-med to begin with. In time maybe she will try another one. Lexapro is a newer version of Celexa and didn’t have any side effects for my kid.
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My son also on Lexapro. No side effects.
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