Has anyone had a kid take a leave of absence for mental health reasons?

[blossom]

OP- huge hugs for you. Your pain comes through in every post.

A couple of suggestions (I will not repeat the other very fine, wise advice you have already gotten, some from posters we’ve all known for years, and trust me, they are experienced and battle scarred).

1- Get yourself counseling ASAP. You need a healthy outlet for your own complicated feelings- fears for your daughter, a sense of “what did I miss?”, etc. And keep your most empathetic friends and acquaintances close- I learned the hard way during a very tough depressive episode in my own life that some of my “best” friends were useless and some of my “not so close” acquaintances were absolute gems. And not just because misery loves company- but because people who have faced tough challenges are often much more sensitive to observing struggles in others, and can be there for you in a way that “closer” friends cannot.

2- Remind your D and yourself that virtually every assumption you guys are making about her professional success are just plain wrong. Competitive internship? NO WAY. Not necessary. Maybe down the line- but not now. Finishing in four years from the college she started at? NOT ANY MORE. Running on a treadmill to keep up academically? NOPE, not necessary.

You can thank Covid. All the “established” patterns have been broken, and companies are shifting as a result. Kids are taking time off for all sorts of reasons- it doesn’t reflect weakness, it reflects having a strong sense of self and reality. And honestly- if your D has been miserable keeping up academically, why on earth would she be choosing a career path that involves an internship certain to offer more of the same?

3- You may not love your job, and you may do it for the paycheck, but there are millions of people who love what they do (I’m one of them) and taking a Stoic approach (if she wants to support herself, it might involve some misery) doesn’t seem to sit right based on what you’ve posted about your D’s challenges even back in HS. I know people who teach autistic 4th graders who love their jobs (and are self-supporting, and paid back their undergrad and grad loans) and I know investment bankers who love their jobs, and I know police officers who love their jobs, and someone who does event planning at a large, high end hotel who loves her job. If your D is struggling to reconcile some of her high standards/need for perfectionism/need to prove herself by running a marathon in her head-- having her click with a counselor of some kind to rewrite her narrative might be really, really huge for her.

Consulting or Banking will still be there in a few years if your D decides to take a year off. (or whatever other high stress internship she’s doing). America is the inventor of Second Acts.

I have no advice to give you on the farming gig. I would also be massively stressed out if one of my kids was going far away before stabilizing-- but perhaps encouraging her to find something similar closer to home could work??? Surely the social isolation isn’t helping her, but there are other ways to find community besides going across the country-getting a job at a local farmer’s market? volunteering at an animal shelter? Teaching crocheting at a nursing home? Something where she’ll be surrounded by nice, non-competitive types where the work isn’t yet another test or race???

I do not have personal experience with NAMI but I’ve heard their support programs are life-altering (and life-saving). I do know that the meds take time… and think you’ve gotten great advice to get a physical done as well.

Big hugs. You can do this. Lots of us have discovered that the neat, linear plans we had for our kids got derailed and we’ve learned to cope/exist/eventually come to terms with the new reality.

[compmom]

@Blossom always writes the loveliest posts.

[gardenstategal]

OP, wishing you the best. Such a hard place to be in.

I have had a couple of friends whose kids have had to take time off from college to recover their mental health. It is so tough to watch your kid struggle.

Just a couple of thoughts…

If your D is not likely to harm herself, the farm could be great. She will be outdoors, physically engaged, and have activities and goals that may be more immediate and visible. She will be around people who are different from here and seeing different paths to happiness. It is entirely possible that she knows in her gut that this is the re-set she needs to recover from the situation that has made her unhappy. If this works, she may also recover some confidence in her ability to choose what’s right for her. I understand your fear. But if it is not for her life, this may be great.

On meds, a dear friend who suffers from bipolar disorder said “there’s a reason they call it practicing medicine”. Meds really can take a lot of tinkering to get right. It’s not unusual for someone to decide they don’t want this after a bad start. I’d encourage another try. But if she wants to wait until after the farm, maybe let her have that control.

You are dealing with a lot here! You need to have strength, patience, and clarity to support your D. Get your own therapist as part of your self-care. You are asking too much of yourself to take on the worry, the doubt, the heartbreak alone. This is undoubtedly affecting how you deal with your D, the family, etc. You need someone who is solidly there for you. You might also be setting a good example for your D.

Lastly, I really hope that this part of the journey leads you not simply to no longer depressed but to joy and peace.

[murray93]

Another +1 on the Lexapro.

[TS0104]

OP, sorry you are going through this. It is really hard! You and your daughter are not alone, as you can see.

I don’t have much to add other than maybe uncouple the farm from the internship. Doing one does not necessarily mean she has to do the other. I too think the farm could be helpful, although I realize it is a big worry for you. Here’s a quick story if this helps: Spring 2021, my D was in her last semester of college and breaking down (depression, anxiety). It got quite bad and I had to make a last minute trip to stay with her for a couple of weeks. She made it through, and continued with her plans for her summer job, which was at a performing arts camp about 8 hours away from home. No breaks to come home, barely any time off to even leave camp. It was super hard (due to covid staff shortages) but also helpful and healing, and I think why is because it was such a drastic change from her past 8 months: 1) it was a complete 180 from the stay-inside-finish-college-on-your-computer 2) outdoors 3)physical, with people face to face. It helped her immensely, and while she came home after 3.5 months very tired, she also was mentally healthier, no longer depressed, and could think about the future without spiraling. We were wary about her going, but also knew that sitting at home would not be helpful. She did get on AD about a month before she left, when I had to take that trip to college we put that into place, and that was part of it (she wasn’t reluctant, she was just in the depressive/can’t take any actions stage)…that we would feel better about letting her go if she was on medication.

Good luck!

[flyawayx2]

OP, you’ve received some incredible advice from many long-time posters who have lived through similar personal experiences with their kids. Definitely read and reflect on their words. I personally find their words and experiences helpful and hopeful, as I’ve been going through a similar experience with one of my kids. Its hard to watch our young adult “kids” struggle and make choices we wouldn’t choose for them. Some days seem impossible, but I am holding on to my faith that everything will work itself out and our kids will come out on the other side, happier and stronger adults for everything they’ve gone through.

The only thing I want to add that could maybe be helpful: there are genetic tests that can help determine which medications can work best with your particular body chemistry. GeneSight is one, there are others. If your daughter is open to meds again at some point, knowing which one(s) would be most effective and which to avoid can save a lot of time and trouble.

[cossert123]

Hello all,

Thank you for the kind words. I truly need them at this difficult, heart-wrenching time. I will write a longer post responding to everything later today when I have more time.

[blossom]

Cossert- one thing I have finally learned- there are a LOT more people struggling than anyone lets on in real life! Folks like to keep up the illusion that their lives are perfect with “obedient” children who do exactly what they are supposed to do at every juncture- and then your own life hits a roadblock and the truth kinda worms its way out.

I work with someone whose kid spent senior year of HS and what should have been freshman year of college in jail. Not rehab, not a rehabilitative boarding program, not a “wilderness experience” to help him sort things out- but incarcerated. If they’d had a savvier lawyer, for sure their son would be have ended up in one of those other types of programs, plus probation or a halfway house after his release. But no- actual hard time.

it was wrenching to witness, especially since there were people who couldn’t deal with a kid who wasn’t on the “AP’s/SAT Tutoring/Varsity star” escalator.

But fast forward- kid is doing great now in a job he loves (and excels at), the family seems to have figured things out, the “troubles” are in the rear view mirror. But such a lesson that when you run into someone at the dry cleaners and start blabbing about how your kid is summa cum whatever and curing cancer and running marathons while writing a novel on the side… the person you’re talking to might be going through “real %^&*” and some empathy might be in order.

Hugging you hard. You can do this! You raised an accomplished young woman and you can for sure accompany and guide her on these last few miles of her journey to adulthood!!!

[helpingmom40]

I think these are important considerations for everyone. Even as a parent of a kid who struggles, we want to gloss everything over and highlight the big accomplishments. We all need to remind ourselves that it’s more than OK to be less than perfect.

[skieurope]

For reasons that may not be apparent to users, OP can no longer participate. So I am closing this thread, while encouraging her to review some of the recommendations already made, including counseling. Good luck.