Has my essay somewhat improved?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Only real comments and a grade out of 6 please. :)
Suggestions on how to improve are always welcome.</p>

<p>1. Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general?</p>

<p>The prosperity of a nation not only depends on the collective efforts of cities and communities living together but also on that of the dwellers of those municipalities. Hence, a nation’s people cannot always depend on their government to take care of each community; on the contrary, it is the peoples’ responsibility to maintain their community’s advancement.</p>

<p>Sometimes when people depend too much on their government, it leads to dire consequences. In 1789, France was on the verge of a revolution because the government in Paris was too harsh on the citizens. Hunger, disease, and death had become norms of the community. Therefore, the people attacked the Bastille, and decided to take the matter into their own hands. As a result, Napolean became emperor of France and grabbed the reins of the country’s status because the people wanted him to. In the following years France reached the apex of its territorial conquests and secured a very powerful status in Europe.</p>

<p>In History, economic depressions show the government’s inability to help the community until the people resort to making an effort as well. A significant example is the American Great Depression of 1929: although Hoover introduced many of his programs to help the deteriorating state of American life, it was not until the people started making an effort also that the Great Depression ended.</p>

<p>A nation is defined by the standard of life of its people. Thus, if the people work together to improve their lives, they will be improving the status of their communities, and consequently, their nation.</p>

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<p>2. Is it more important to do work that one finds fulfilling or work that pays well?</p>

<p>When one ascends into the stage of adulthood and starts looking for a job, many decisions need to be made that can shape one’s entire life. Whether one wants to be famous, rich, or successful depends on each individual but at the end of the day the greatest goal one can hope to reach is happiness. Therefore, it is integral to choose a profession that produces satisfaction for oneself.</p>

<p>People who choose to pursue their own personal interests in their field tend to do better than others. For instance, during the Enlightenment, Isaac Newton alongwith other scientists were working on the secret of gravity. However, Newton was only doing this out of his personal curiosity while his contemporaries were researching openly. Their goal was to be famous while Newton’s was to quell his conscience. Ultimately, Newton succeeded in unveiling the notion of gravity and later decided to publish his writings for fame as well. Although Newton became famous for his findings, he was only able to reach this status because he started with a personal motivation.</p>

<p>Similarly, when Copernicus also chased after his own interests and came up with the Heliocentric Theory he chose not to have his theory published until after his death. This is probably because he knew that people would not accept his theory, but this shows that he had achieved his personal satisfaction by pursuing his own goal.</p>

<p>Getting a job is only one of the many stages of life and it passes as well. Therefore, one must keep his whole life in perspective and choose to do something that can guarantee a peace of mind for him.</p>

<p>Thanks for reading. =]</p>

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<p>I wouldn’t really know how to grade it out of 6, but I can offer grammar suggestions:</p>

<p>“ascends into the stage of adulthood” is awkward and “ascends” takes “to” as its preposition</p>

<p>“Whether one wants to be famous, rich, or successful depends”–technically, not correct. What you’re saying is that those three options depend on [whatever], rather than that the choice depends on [whatever]. It’s hard to explain, and, yea, it’s really minute. </p>

<p>“on each individual” should be “on the individual” </p>

<p>“it is integral” generally is followed by “to [whatever].” Things can’t really be superlatively “integral.”</p>

<p>“a profession that produces satisfaction for oneself”–“produces satisfaction” is a bit awkward. Also, in this sentence, oneself is technically referring to the profession, which, obviously isn’t what you meant, and is also not grammatically correct.</p>

<p>“better than others”–“others” is a bit ambiguous–better to say “those who don’t”</p>

<p>“Isaac Newton alongwith other scientists were”–Isaac Newton’s still only one guy, so “were” should be was." “Along with” is two words, and a comma should follow “scientists”–punctuation isn’t tested, but using commas correctly helps you avoid tense errors, such as the aforementioned</p>

<p>“out of his personal curiosity” should be “due to,” and “personal” is redundant</p>

<p>“were researching openly” implies that other people were aware of their research, not that they were researching for research’s sake, which is what I think you meant</p>

<p>“quell his conscience”–his goal was to subdue his sense of morality? </p>

<p>“unveiling the notion of gravity” implies that his success was interpersonal, that he uncovered and explored his own ideas of gravity</p>

<p>“later decided to publish his writings for fame as well”–the idea of a fame-driven goal doesn’t really have anything to do with the beginning of the sentence, and so it’s awkward to connect the two with “and”</p>

<p>“Similarly, when Copernicus also chased after his own interests and came up with the Heliocentric Theory he chose not to have his theory published until after his death”–starting a sentence with “when” isn’t always. . . iffy. “Also” is superfluous. The sentence is a run-on–way too many clauses and they’re connected awkwardly. Also, it’s a nuance, but if his theories weren’t published until after he died, then he didn’t “choose” to publish them at all</p>

<p>The second sentence in that paragraph is also a run-on. If “this is probably because he knew that people would not accept his theory,” then it doesn’t “[show] that he had achieved his personal satisfaction by pursuing his own goal.” Also, that to which “this” refers is ambiguous. “Achieved satisfaction” is awkward and “own” is superfluous.</p>

<p>“it passes as well” is very awkward. I gather that you’re trying to say that it will eventually come to pass, right? (Do you speak Spanish? That kind of construction is really common in Spanish and it almost seems as though the above clause is a literal translation of the Spanish)</p>

<p>“a peace of mind”–the article “a” is incorrect.</p>

<p>Overall, I’d say that biggest issue is development of topic. Have your main point in mind as soon as you start writing and make each paragraph relate to it. Each paragraph should be a point in and of itself that supports your overall point. As you write each paragraph, keep the point of the paragraph in mind as you write each sentence. Paragraphs should be like “introduce the point of the paragraph, provide evidence, explain the evidence, relate the paragraph to your main point.” </p>

<p>(Hopefully #2 was the one I was suppose to read =p)</p>

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<p>First of all, you’re amazing for actually going through my entire essay! :slight_smile:
I wasn’t expecting anyone to comment, unless he/she was really bored and you not only READ it as a whole but criticized almost each sentence(?) (not that I don’t appreciate it).</p>

<p>I know my essay had a lot of syntax errors, but I can’t seem to produce a flawless essay in 25 minutes including awesome examples! They do overlook <em>some</em> grammar, right? :frowning: [Unfortunately, after reading your post I’m not so sure that would count as <em>SOME</em>!]</p>

<p>You had great corrections! When I was going through my essay after I timed myself to see how many errors I made, I completely overlooked a few of the mistakes you pointed out… like the Isaac Newton “was” instead of were! :o</p>

<p>Also, I’m ever so slightly embarrassed about ‘quelling his conscience’. I realized that was very wrong in the context. Darned SAT word shmucked me up. >_<</p>

<p><a href=“Hopefully%20#2%20was%20the%20one%20I%20was%20suppose%20to%20read%20=p”>quote</a>

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You weren’t supposed to read any of them. But they’re both there, so (if you have the time) comment on the first one as well? (Plus I think it’s better ;))</p>

<p>Last question:
I showed my 2nd essay to someone else, and he said that my examples are either always too scientific or historical. He said that people who are grading the SAT may not be as well-acquainted with, let’s say, Copernicus as I was. Therefore, I needed to use more literary examples to show I had a bigger focus on things. Is this true? Do they really care about understanding what examples I’m using to prove my argument or do they just see what language I’m using to present my example instead of actually having a full background on it? </p>

<p>Did that make any sense? >_>'</p>

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<p>I can’t imagine that they’d penalize you for their dearth of knowledge. It’s probably not a bad idea to use both historical and literary examples in your essay, but as to the specificity of your examples, as long as you explain them well enough there shouldn’t be any problem. </p>

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<p>It wouldn’t hurt to provide a five word summary of what the Heliocentric Theory actually is–for example, what is a Heliocenter and why does it need to be theorized–but your main focus should be connecting Copernicus with your thesis. You mentioned that he developed his theory out of curiosity and provided evidence–that he never published his work. Who this person was and what he did isn’t relevant to your argument, so why include it? Though, it wouldn’t hurt to add something like “Copernicus, one of history’s most influential et cetera” to the beginning, just to emphasize his importance, which sort of connects to your argument. </p>

<p>The main thing here, I think, is cohesion. You don’t want something like "Copernicus, who was [all of the great things he did and how he advanced science and how this lead to other people advancing science which blah blah blah, while this is very interesting, this has nothing to do with your argument. Nobody who’s reading a paper to find out if work should be fulfilling needs to know about all of this] did these things and [proves your point].</p>

<p>^Might have went a little overboard with that one. Meh.</p>

<p>On a lighter (and less weird) note, what helps me keep my grammar errors minimal and my topic development cohesive is to take it one sentence at a time. I’m not an expert on SAT essays, and so that may not be entirely possible, considering the time limit. Nevertheless, it really helps if before writing each sentence you think “how can i relate this to my topic” and “are there any weird grammar constructions I’m about to use that could potentially be incorrect.” </p>

<p>Little things (that, paradoxically, will count for a lot) like verb agreement can easily slip through your fingers, regardless. The way I catch most of my such errors is by stopping to check agreement every time my subject and verb are separated by another clause. For example, you wouldn’t in a million years have said “Newton were great.” It was only when “Newton” and “were” were separated by a clause containing a plural subject that you made the error. The brain, on auto-pilot, hears “others” and intuitively regurgitates “were.” For essays and the SAT Writing MC section alike, whenever you see “this dude**,** and a whole lot of other crap that describes the dude or likens him to other dudes who don’t really matter but sort of elaborates on your point**,** does this thing” you should stop just to make 100% sure that you haven’t forgotten your subject because of all of the crap in between the commas. </p>

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<p>Lol, that’s nothing. So, last month, I wrote a research paper on American Foreign Policy. I spent tons of time on it, purposely throwing in all of the cool SAT words that I could think of. So, I handed it in, got it back, and all of the instances of the word “philanthropy” were circled. Curios. (I had compared the humanitarian aspect of US foreign policy to the imperialist aspect, but emphasized the subterfuge with which policy has always been conducted). Long story short, apparently you can’t compare our imperialist actions to our philanthropic actions–which apparently mean giving to charity–in Iraq. :)</p>

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<p>Thanks for clarifying that about the essay. Really!</p>

<p>As for the Copernicus example, EXACTLY! See all that other background about who he was didn’t seem relevant to me. But anyway, I see what you mean. I can’t thank you enough. :)</p>

<p>Lol @ philanthropy - but that’s forgivable :slight_smile: I always thought it sounded like a negative word too until I actually looked it up. Heh.</p>

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<p>Maybe you had a traumatic experience with an overzealous charity. PTSD can really mess with your mind. . . .</p>

<p>Anyway, nothing to do but watch the Mets game, which is already almost over, so, here are my grammar suggestions for Essay #1:</p>

<p>“collective efforts of cities and communities living together”–“efforts. . . living together” sound be “efforts. . . to live together” and it sounds better to add “its” before “cities” and before “communities.”</p>

<p>“on that of the dwellers”–the construction “that of” sounds awkward there. It’s a weird construction, so I can’t really pinpoint why exactly it sounds wrong in that context.</p>

<p>It’s awkward to use “hence” at the beginning of a sentence</p>

<p>“maintain their community’s advancement”–awkward. Better to say “advance their communities.” Also, it should be “communities’.”</p>

<p>“harsh on the citizens”–same as before, better to use “its” than “the”</p>

<p>“norms of the community”–unclear as to what community you’re talking about. If you mean the French villages and such, be more specific–“village communities” or “peasant communities,” or something that at least uses the plural “communities”</p>

<p>“Therefore, the people attacked the Bastille, and decided to take the matter into their own hands”–“and” implies that these were two separate actions, when in fact it was just one. Better to switch the clauses around and replace “and” with “but”: “Therefore, the people decided to take the matter into their own hands by attacking the Bastille.” Though, also, “therefore” isn’t really the best word. “Therefore” is used to introduce a conclusion based on already given connections, but you didn’t really give the connections, yet. Instead of “therefore,” say something like “ill, hungry, and out of options, the people decided. . . .”</p>

<p>“reins of the country’s status”–you don’t mean status</p>

<p>“because the people wanted him to”–awkward, because you started the sentence with “as a result.” Every sentence kind of has a “one result” limit for verbosity and cohesion’s sakes. You should probably devide that sentence in two. Also, the transition from the people storming the Bastile to Napolean taking charge is abrupt and the connection unclear. </p>

<p>“In the following years France reached the apex of its territorial conquests and secured a very powerful status in Europe.”–the connection here, also, is unclear. If you’re saying that France was most sucessful following the people’s revolution, then make that explicit. Few minor things: “apex” is a great word, but “apex of territorial conquests” is awkward because “conquests” is plural. Better to use a singular word like “expansion”–or even “conquest” in the singular would be fine. Also, “in” should be "throughout and “powerful status in Europe” is a bit weird. I’m nitpicking, but I’d change “in Europe” to “among European nations” and “powerful” to something else. Its status can’t really be powerful per se. . . maybe “prominent?”</p>

<p>“In History, economic depressions show”–again, “in” should be “throughout” and “show” should be “have shown.”</p>

<p>“until the people resort to making an effort as well”–“resort” implies that they would have preferred other options than making an effort, and “as well” implies that the government does make an effort to help its populace which the people then add to. Also, “resort” should be “have resorted.”</p>

<p>“signifcant example” means the example is important, where “great example” means the example is very relevant. If you meant the former, then keep it, but if not, then the latter is better.</p>

<p>Good use of colon! lol</p>

<p>“making an effort also”–“also” is superfluous and awkward. Also, be more specific about what they actually did. It’s not enough, in any essay, just to say that “this time period supports my thesis, too, because the same stuff happened.” You need to explain, briefly, what the people did to better their condition, and, more importantly, how it helped and how that connects to your thesis.</p>

<p>“standard of life”–“quality of life?” </p>

<p>In the last sentence, “status” is used weirdly, but it’s a very good closing sentence. I would have emphasized the working together part in the body of the essay more, though.</p>

<p>Overall, I think this is a lot better than #2 (despite the fact that I think I wrote more to correct this one, lol). One thing I noticed is that you’re trying to describe a lot of aspects of your example and neglecting the connections between them and the connections between the examples and your argument. If there are three “steps” to your Napolean example, you have to write enough so that the three flow cohesively together–which could mean six sentences–plus, the (at least) one sentence that ties that example explicitly to your argument. </p>

<p>It helps me to imagine my audience as morons. Which, if part of their career entails grading SAT essays, these graders very well may be. (Lol, jk. . . sort of.) Obviously, when I read your Napolean paragraph I knew exactly what your point was. People banded together, people took charge of their government, people installed a leader representative of their needs, leader makes France the best it had ever been, ergo people = good for their government. But, imagine me as Cleatus from the Simpsons. You need to tell me that Napolean was installed by the people because he was a populist (SAT word :p). You need to tell me that because Napolean, who was installed by the people, was such a good leader, the people deserve the credit. Then, you need to tell me that because this apex was achieved by the people, this proves that nations are bettered when people take a more active role in bettering it.</p>

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<p>Lol, I only know what philanthropy means because I keep hearing “Bill Gates is a great philanthropist”…</p>

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<p>Wow, either you’re really gregarious, or you’re really bored. Whatever the case, I’m glad you are! :)</p>

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The only disorder eating me up right now is SAT-Syndrome. (Sniff).</p>

<p>I tend to compose a lot of awkward sentences, don’t I? :frowning:
(Btw, you used awkward like 6-7 times in your post! Grab a thesaurus? :stuck_out_tongue: jk)
(Thanks for some compliments though. :))</p>

<p>On a serious note, I should probably practice more.
When I read this essay after timing myself, it seemed to have Clumsy written all over it. I know my examples were appropriate, but I had trouble putting my purpose into words (as you pointed out).</p>

<p>When I was writing about the Bastille, and how the people rebelled, my initial aim wasn’t to mention Napoleon at all. But then I felt I should include him to show how the people governed themselves and this turned out to be a positive thing for the whole country. But when I brought in Napoleon I felt like it was contradicting my whole argument!! Ugh. Hence, the constrained paragraph. </p>

<p>About the Great Depression example, um, truth: I didn’t really know how the people made an effort. O_o
That felt like complete bollox too. I just knew that Hoover made a lot of efforts but that didn’t help.
I couldn’t think of any other example at the time. :(</p>

<p>LOL @ morons. Gosh, I wish the SAT graders were a bunch of morons… wait, maybe not. That way I have to explain more in my essay. I wish they were supersmart… wait, they ARE! Stop confusing me! >_<
I am going to go and take another practice test.
I might post another essay or two. </p>

<p>Drop by if you can!
I really appreciate it. :)</p>

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<p>(Sorry for the double-post).</p>

<p>Another essay I wrote today:
3. Is conscience a better motivator than money, fame, or wealth?</p>

<p>As the world continues to progress and the wheels of time continue to roll, competition among people continues to grow as well. In the fast pace of this era, few people remain conscientious. The sense of need that was seeded in man in the past has deteriorated into greed, and this hunger for more than the required has become the motivator of the new generation.</p>

<p>Since the start of the Enlightenment in Europe, the Catholic Church occupied a prominent status in the continent. People of those times considered the Pope to be the only authority. So, when Galileo came along and contradicted the Church by saying that Sun (and not the Earth) was the center of the Universe, it was not a surprise that he got arrested. Not only did Galileo support Copernicus, but he also went on to show the flaw in the Church’s concept of Heaven and Hell. In reaction to this, the tribunals of the Catholic Church asked Galileo to be silent and placed him under house arrest for the rest of his life. Although they knew he was right, they forced him to recant his propositions and say no more. This shows that the Church was more interested in maintaining its power rather than revealing the truth to the public.</p>

<p>“Sand Pebbles” is a movie about imperialism in China. The protagonist, Jake, is an American sailor who starts to feel that the Chinese ‘coolies’ (slaves) on board the ship are not being treated fairly. He deviates from the conventional attitude of imperialists, follows his conscience and adopts a friendly relationship with the coolies. At the end of the movie, Jake gets killed, showing how people who choose to pursue their morals instead of going after wealth and power have no place in the world.</p>

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<p>I ran out of time. This is even worse than before. Sigh.</p>

<p>Even afterwards, I couldn’t think of a good conclusion because my intro (and my thesis) says that greed is a motivator for the new generation and both my examples are historical. *Facepalm.
This time I tried to focus on explaining my examples more, but my thesis screwed me up.
Also, I know my examples are redundant (I like historical, and scientific examples)… but I couldn’t come up with any literature references. Anything you can think of relating to this topic?</p>

<p>Any suggestions about the conclusion?</p>

<p>Thanks for reading!</p>

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<p>Lol. Well, it’s such a great word! What other word can one use to describe a subtly incorrect sentence when they have no clue whatsoever why it’s incorrect?</p>

<p>As far as a dearth of examples for that topic goes, I really can’t think of anything either, lol. The Holocaust is sort of relevant, though. The people of Germany, Austria, Hungary, who didn’t try to combat Nazism enabled Hitler to keep power and so they all share a degree of complicity. But. . . that’s not really taking an active role. . . . Ahh, it’s such a stupid prompt. There are so few examples because people don’t take an active role in their government. I mean, not even 10% of the population votes, much less takes an active role in its government. And this is a democratic republic. Just think of how inert a role people take in the rest of the world under the various autocratic, theocratic, and socialist regimes–though one would think that the people would have a very active role in the latter.</p>

<p>Anyway, there are a bunch of strategies out there for thinking of examples and formatting the essay accordingly. I’m probably going to look at Rocket Review’s in a few days. I’ve been studying myself for the SAT for a while now, but I’ve never really considered the essay, because, well, I have more pertinent SAT-related problems. I figure I’ll get at least a 10 no matter what, and if I solve my other grammar problems, I won’t miss any multiple choice. But anyway, I’m gonna start looking at the essay soon, so I’ll have to get back to you on the examples thing.</p>

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<p>Haha. They’re probably Primary or Secondary School teachers who are just doing it to add a few extra bucks to their pittance. </p>

<p>I’d agree with you that essay #3 was a step backwards from essay #1. Both examples really have nothing to do with the prompt. The prompt is asking you to compare people’s motives related to money, fame, and wealth to those related to their conscience (which is different from conscientious). The first example compares power with truth, none of which are present in the prompt. The second shows how people motivated by conscience have no place in the modern world, but doesn’t examine the conscience as a motivator.</p>

<p>As far as conclusions go, I usually do three things (in this order): Restate, paraphrase my thesis, restate my reasons, often in a better, more connected way than in the introduction for having written a whole essay on the topic, and either connect my thesis or one idea in particular to a larger theme or make a general, insightful observation. I don’t know if this is the best thing to do in a timed SAT essay (like I said, I haven’t read up on it yet), but it works pretty good in AP history essays :slight_smile: which I have to write every other week. (My teacher grades them on the AP scale (0-9, where 1 = F, 3 = C, 6 = A, 9 = A+) and is like morally opposed to giving 9’s, buuuuut today he finally gave me one :D) Anyway, if my thesis were “Lincoln forewent his abolitionist goals to achieve his political goals which he later used to achieve his abolitionist goals” (which actually was, pretty much, my thesis on my 9-essay), I would either connect abolition with something larger, saying something like “Lincoln’s abolitionist goals mirrored the very progressive nature of the 19th century. . .” or make an insightful comment, like, “odd as it may seem, had Lincoln initially campaigned on a platform of abolitionism the slaves may never have been freed.” </p>

<p>^Again, though, this may vary slightly with SAT essays.</p>

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<p>I hope you are aware that the readers don’t actually read the entire essay–they don’t have time. They take a quick glance and form a gut opinion. However, if you use words like “hence” and “thus” and “one” (as the subject), they are going to leap off the page, and the pretentious tone may well prejudice the reader against your essay. Try not to lecture the reader.</p>

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<p>^Some pretty, ehh, bold insinuations there. I’m not saying I disagree, but, well, do you have any evidence of this? This sounds like just another CC rumor. My favorite is the “once you hit 2200/2250 (depending on what score the rumor spreader received) adcoms* don’t care about SAT scores.” It may be true that the graders don’t scrutinize every word, but I can’t imagine they’d base their “gut feelings” on what you’ve referred to as “pretentious” constructions. If used correctly, “thus,” “hence,” and “one” are fine words. Read some philosophy, and you’ll marvel at all of the instances of the word “thus”–though, granted, many philosophers are a tad pretentious. . . . Maybe not the best example, lol.</p>

<p>*Is it adcom or adcon? I would think adcon–admissions counselor–but many have said adcom.</p>

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<p>Cool, I wish I could be as confident as you and at least hit the 10 mark.
Do you think it’s possible to score in the 750 zone with an 8 on the essay? And how possible?
Waiting on the examples … but take your time. </p>

<p>Lol, your AP history essay! Good for you. :slight_smile:
Now you just reminded me about my own upcoming test. I haven’t started studying for that yet. >_<
I see what you mean about the bigger theme. My dad also told me to keep the <em>big picture in perspective</em>. But the question is,… how much (what parts) of your essay do the SAT readers ACTUALLY read?</p>

<p>@MommaJ, what about using fine transitions, and having a <em>flowy</em> essay?
I see what you’re saying though. Thanks for the tip! :)</p>

<p>Btw, someone read one of my other essays and told me that too. He said that I shouldn’t try to <em>imitate</em> someone and instead should just be direct and straightforward and write in my own fashion. I don’t have a frickin fashion! >_< </p>

<p>Is it bad to start the essay with ‘Often’… ? Does it seem like you’re trying too hard or something? I almost always try to do that in order to introduce the topic <em>neutrally</em> because I’ve read that the readers don’t always know what the prompt was.</p>

<p>It’s adcon. Adcom = Typo!!
Just like it’s actually own. Pwn = Typo!! (although it’s more popular). ^_^</p>

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<p>My understanding, from a test prep tutor who is a high school teacher and knows a number of readers personally, is that the workload is huge–literally hundreds of essays to read per day–and a close reading of each essay just isn’t feasible. I hope that’s not too disillusioning. As a pretty decent writer who has often had to edit my subordinates’ work (as you can tell from my name, I’m a mom, not a student), I think it’s entirely possible to develop an accurate impression of the quality of a piece of writing without a full reading. As I mentioned, some words and phrases just stand out immediately, whether good or bad. While it’s certainly important to have smooth transitions, I don’t think terms like “hence” and "thus " belong anywhere outside of a PhD thesis. The excessive use of “big” words is also a dead giveaway to poor writing. Express your thoughts simply and elegantly. Less is more. Follow basic principles of essay construction and write as if you were speaking to someone–someone intelligent, of course!</p>

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<p>Veeeery unlikely. Taking a random SAT (October 2007) for example, a 48 is a 760 and a 47 is a 730 with an 8 essay. It’s possible, but you better start learning those grammar rules. Though, if you use your time until the SAT well, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have higher than an 8 :p</p>

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<p>While I agree that the graders may not read the entire essay and use their “gut feeling” to determine the strength of the essay, I strongly disagree with what you said here. Of course, it’s bad to use high-level vocabulary words and words like “thus” incorrectly, but when used correctly, I don’t see how high-level vocabulary is a giveaway to poor writing. Is it poor writing to say, “the organization was philanthropic” instead of “the organization was charitable?” To say, “an avid reader” than “someone who reads a lot?” Of course, convoluted sentences should be avoided, but you can’t write an essay using only simple words and sentences. One of the criterion on which the SAT essay is judged is a “varied, accurate and apt vocabulary.” Another is a “meaningful variety in sentence structure.” </p>

<p>There’s two approaches to essay writing. You can use simple, one clause sentences, limit yourself to a 5th grade vocabulary level, and guarantee yourself an 8 (see the SAT essay rubric). Or, you can learn how to use complex vocabulary correctly and how to create multi-clause, cohesive sentences and go above and beyond. I have yet to see a “simplicity” or “humility” criterion on the rubric. </p>

<p>That the essay graders will base their opinions on a couple of paragraphs–or even a couple of sentences–is not material to how the essay should be written.* If the essay fulfills the given criteria–topic development, coherence, apt vocabulary, sentence variety, and grammatical correctness–it will receive a 12. Using the word “thus” correctly is not going to put off the readers so much that they deduct points. In fact, if the writer can master abnormal transitions like “thus” and use them correctly, he will be rewarded–not penalized. </p>

<p>*Oh no I started a sentence with a relative pronoun! Quick! Call the PPPD! (Pretentious Police Police Department.)</p>