Would someone please read my SAT essay please :)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>I wrote this as is, so I know that there is one word that isn't a word, and I'm aware that the ideas might be repeated. As is though....thanks</p>

<p>"What motivates people to change?"</p>

<p>Change in itself is taking a daring leap of faith into the unknown. We must change, not only to ameliorate ourselves, but to better our sentimental feelings towards others. Examples of such an adventurous comment in itself can be exemplified through the wrings of an American author, the alterations of Rosa Parks, and the paper of a boy.</p>

<p>Hester Prynne, coming from Nathaniel Hawthorne’s “The Scarlet Letter,” originates as this simplistic, timid Puritan woman who has a secret that lies beneath her breast-she is pregnant wit her adulterer’s baby, her Pearl. For breaking one of the rules of the Decalogue, she is forced to wear a mark of her sin, to bear the scarlet “A.” Instead of letting the townspeople of Boston to take away her gleaming pride, she performs the antithesis; she fancies her stark “A” with gold thread, in order to demonstrate her willingness to alter her life. She has to-for Pearl. She must stand up to prove that no one can down her status as a mother and protector. </p>

<p>Sitting at the front of the Alabama bus must have been daunting. Rosa Parks, an African American woman, settled in that seat, the seat that would modify the world in a novel way. Black Americans were segregated, and in effect had to sit in the back of the vehicle; Rosa Parks wanted change in the tensions of races. Rosa Parks defied the laws of demographics, the laws of customs. Rosa Parks wanted a more peaceful, harmonious world.</p>

<p>In the ending days of sophomore year of my English II class, we were required to write a final report that would constitute for over 55% of our final grade. Earlier, my English teacher discussed what she wanted on the paper-her ideas, not out own organic ideas. Needless to say, I didn’t receive thee grade I desired, but I metamorphed as a person that I felt good about inside. I changed uniformity. I changed to prove myself.</p>

<p>All in all, one can’t expect the world to keep turning if one doesn’t try to make the difference, and to be the person that wants to take the rise. Change has to happen. Who will if no ones does?</p>

<p>Thanks again</p>

2

<p>I can generally tell the grade just by looking.</p>

<p>Your intro is good except I hate the word "ameliorate"</p>

<p>Good conclusion but doesn't end with a bang</p>

<p>Good structure with balanced paragraphs and varied examples</p>

<p>5, and possibly a 6 with a nice grader. To get a six I feel you need to have a standout conclusion, like a powerful quote (make it up if necessary.)</p>

3

<p>I wasn't going to use ameliorate as much either, but I added it because I read somewhere (urban myth) that someone noticed that a lot of papers that received 6s had that word....lol. I feel like a conformist. </p>

<p>Anyways, I ran out of time for the conclusion, hence my one-to-two-liner conclusions (in all my essays). I'm ok (well great, actually) with a 5! :-) Thanks</p>

4

<p>glucose, how did u relate your examples back to your thesis? your examples just seem to be a pure description.</p>

5

<p>I don't think I did, and hoped the graders wouldn't see...I tried to add the last sentence of every paragraph to do that.</p>

6

<p>Ah, then my grade is incorrect hehe. 4 is more accurate, but I don't think it will be lower because structure/length play have a large factor in grade.</p>

7

<p>Start off your paragraphs by relating your main point back to the thesis (not example). Then describe your example. Then say why your example proves your thesis. Then have your last sentence paraphrase your first, but add more.</p>

8

<p>Ok....great, I'll remember to relate it back to my thesis.</p>

9

<p>yea, i have a problem with relating it back to the thesis. could you explain waffle how you are supposed to connect the examples back to the thesis while not writing a huge description of the example (like a book summary)?</p>

10

<p>I thought it was overall a pretty good essay...so it wasn't a 10?</p>

11

<p>Try to connect examples</p>

<p>i.e.</p>

<p>-Though different, Rosa Park's situation was just as daunting as Hester's.</p>

<p>To relate it to the thesis you can simply state it explicitly:</p>

<p>Rosa Parks took a daring leap of faith much like I did in my English II class.</p>

12

<p>sorry, i guess i wasn't clear. i don't mean transitions. im more confused about how your supposed to connect it to the thesis inside the body paragraphs, like how should one go about analyzing an example in a paragraph. I know one of my pitfalls is that I start writing a whole description/summary of an event and there is no connection back to the thesis. Any advice?</p>

13

<p>I wrote another essay.... from the Blue Book, Test II. It is suppose to be over if change for an easier life is always better. I tried to include what yall' said, but when there is a time limit, my mind goes blank. Here it goes! Thanks!</p>

<p>One of the oldest adages of all time is “Easier is not always better.” The fact of the matter is that this statement has validity-from literature to science, and into our personal lives. Change isn’t always a grand thing, even if it is for the better.</p>

<p>Coming from a literary point of view, leisure chances lead to conflict of which is to emerge. From Riding the Bus with My Sister, the focal character is faced with this during debacle. She has a mentally handicapped sister that has no one to love her; her only caregiver, her mother, dies of a myocardial infarction. The protagonist is forced to choose between her own comfortable schmaltzy life, or to love her sister, and join “her world.” She daringly chooses her sister. She could’ve chosen her high class life and forgotten the problems of her sister, but that would’ve been the easy way out; she would’ve regretted not being the big, caring sister.</p>

<p>“New Procedure, Stay Alive over 2000 Years” was the headline that read on yesterday’s newspaper. In a hypothetical theory, living until 200 seems pleasing, but de facto, is it? Living that long seems as it would ameliorate and alleviate our woes, but one can non expect living this long to make one happy. In retrospect, living longer throws off the natural balance of everything-from organic death rates to a stable economy. One can’t expect something acting as God to be the silver bullet to solving every problem, it can’t. </p>

<p>In relation to the newspaper headline, I was watching the television last night, and I came across “The Real OC Moms.” This show depicts house moms who reside in fancy, million dollar mansions. The sad comment in this life of luxury is that all the rich mothers had a consensus on the fact that they live day to day miserably. Money didn’t assist their bored souls, like everyone is forced into believing.</p>

<p>All in all, on primary impression it seems as if change will lead to an improved life, but life isn’t meant for easy fixes-it is full of unease. You have to work for what you want. </p>

<p>Thanks! (Is it ok if on the literary example I didn't use names?)</p>

14

<p>What kind of score for my 2nd essay? Thanks :)</p>

15

<p>Score/ Criticism please.</p>

<p>Although the proverb "be careful what you wish for, for you might just get it" has become trite and hackneyed over time, its profound meaning is everlasting. Often people view sucess very narrowly. Only considering the current favorable results, they usually become oblivious to the true dangerous nature of their success. This is apparent in the appeasement of Hitle prior to WWII as well as the development of the nuclear bomb by the end of it.
Chamberlain, primer minister of England, returned to England after meeting with Hitler in Munich, Germany prolaiming that he had insured peace and safety for Europe. The meeting was due to Hitler's expansion into neighboring countries. First he invaded and annexed Austria, and later the Rhinelands between Germany and France. Out of fear of a growing threat, Chamerlain decided to meet with Hitler in order to please Hitler and to stifle his expansion. Notoriously known as appeasement, Chamberlain's plan was to provide Hitler with the Sudatenlands of Czechoslovakia in order to "appease" Hitler. At Munich, Germany, Chamberlain was able to get Hitler to sign the Munich Agreement taht agreed upon the transfer of the Sudatenlands in return for the halt to German expansion. However, Hitler even after Chamberlain had "successfully" insured safety for Europe, continued to expand and take over parts of Europe. Appeasing Hitler, although at first appeard promising, was in retrospect a disaster because feeding Hitler's avarice only made him far dangerous.
With Hitler expaning deep into Europe, the race to develop the atomic bomb was becoming intensed. Supervised by Rober Oppenheimer, the Manhattan Project at Los Alamos was reseaching how to create an atomic bomb. In 1942, the Americans were able to dentonate the first atomic bomb in New Mexico. Only a month after the testing, the Americans dropped the bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, completely demolishing the two cities in seconds. Although this saved the lives of many American soldiers and ended the war with Japan, the success of the atomic bomb had devestating effects in history. For example, the Cold War was a time of fear for Americans. Discovering that the Soviets had obtained a nuke of its own, Americans lived in far of being bombed. Even today, we live in a fearful world taht is one bomb away from a nuclear holocaust, all due to the development of the inital bomb in 1942.
Althoug the successes in life may appear beneficial at first, retrospect shows that the consequences are mcuh more devestaing and crippling as showing in the previous two examples.</p>

16

<p>8 or 9.....it seems like you only utilize one type of examples (history).</p>

<p>Break it up into paragraphs, preferable 5....make it standard.</p>

17

<p>actually i did break it up..maybe this will be clearer..</p>

<p>Although the proverb "be careful what you wish for, for you might just get it" has become trite and hackneyed over time, its profound meaning is everlasting. Often people view sucess very narrowly. Only considering the current favorable results, they usually become oblivious to the true dangerous nature of their success. This is apparent in the appeasement of Hitle prior to WWII as well as the development of the nuclear bomb by the end of it.</p>

<p>Chamberlain, primer minister of England, returned to England after meeting with Hitler in Munich, Germany prolaiming that he had insured peace and safety for Europe. The meeting was due to Hitler's expansion into neighboring countries. First he invaded and annexed Austria, and later the Rhinelands between Germany and France. Out of fear of a growing threat, Chamerlain decided to meet with Hitler in order to please Hitler and to stifle his expansion. Notoriously known as appeasement, Chamberlain's plan was to provide Hitler with the Sudatenlands of Czechoslovakia in order to "appease" Hitler. At Munich, Germany, Chamberlain was able to get Hitler to sign the Munich Agreement taht agreed upon the transfer of the Sudatenlands in return for the halt to German expansion. However, Hitler even after Chamberlain had "successfully" insured safety for Europe, continued to expand and take over parts of Europe. Appeasing Hitler, although at first appeard promising, was in retrospect a disaster because feeding Hitler's avarice only made him far dangerous.</p>

<p>With Hitler expaning deep into Europe, the race to develop the atomic bomb was becoming intensed. Supervised by Rober Oppenheimer, the Manhattan Project at Los Alamos was reseaching how to create an atomic bomb. In 1942, the Americans were able to dentonate the first atomic bomb in New Mexico. Only a month after the testing, the Americans dropped the bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, completely demolishing the two cities in seconds. Although this saved the lives of many American soldiers and ended the war with Japan, the success of the atomic bomb had devestating effects in history. For example, the Cold War was a time of fear for Americans. Discovering that the Soviets had obtained a nuke of its own, Americans lived in far of being bombed. Even today, we live in a fearful world taht is one bomb away from a nuclear holocaust, all due to the development of the inital bomb in 1942.</p>

<p>Althoug the successes in life may appear beneficial at first, retrospect shows that the consequences are mcuh more devestaing and crippling as showing in the previous two examples.</p>

18

<p>I still feel like it's too much history.</p>

19

<p>gluecose, I'd give it a 4. What stands out to me is that your examples seem relevant, but not thoroghly developed. A 5 or a 6 would need to be more insightful and show a better mastery of the concept (if that makes sense, I'm not really a qualified essay grader :P).</p>

<p>
[quote]
Examples of such an adventurous comment in itself can be exemplified through the wrings of an American author, the alterations of Rosa Parks, and the paper of a boy.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I'd work on word economy here. A lot of your sentences could be less wordy, for example, you could easily shorten this to say essentially the same thing:</p>

<p>
[quote]
Examples of change can be found in the American literature, the actions of Rosa Parks, and the paper of a boy.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>The idea is, if you've already stated something as an example then there's no need to say it was exemplified. The rest is just nitpicky stuff, but these are only suggestions, my opinion isn't very professional.</p>

20

<p>Well thanks anyhow</p>