Having trouble leaving parents?

Parents Forum
1

<p>First off, I should mention that I'm not actually a parent, but since my situation heavily involves them, I feel like I'd be better off posting here.</p>

<p>Right now, I'm 18 years old and almost finished my first year of university. I'm currently attending a school that's a three hour plane ride from home-- my ideal situation would have been a two or three hour drive, but unfortunately there aren't any universities that close to my hometown (barring two commuter schools within it). </p>

<p>I've had a really rough year, and have often considered transferring back home to finish my degree. Recently though, I've been wondering more and more about why that is, since I've actually been doing pretty well on my own (aside from the fact that, since I was originally so bent on switching schools, I made the mistake of not really trying to connect with my campus). But even though this year honestly hasn't been too bad, the thought of staying here for another three really scares me. And finally, I've come to realize that it's because of my parents.</p>

<p>My parents are honestly two of my best friends. I've been really close to them my whole life, and we get along really well. I love playing video games with my dad, and going shopping with my mum. We've been talking every day since I've been at university, and I can't wait to go back home over the summer and see them. Originally, I thought my problem was seperation anxiety, and that I just couldn't stand to be away from them. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that isn't quite right. Even as a kid, I never once had a problem with my parents leaving me (whether for an hour or a week), but I always felt awful about leaving them.</p>

<p>I feel like no matter how I say this, it's going to sound horrible. I honestly don't mean to come across as self-absorbed in any way, but I can't think of a good way to phrase the situation. I guess that it's always felt as though my parents don't have much of a life outside of me, as awful as that sounds. I'm sure that it's totally irrational of me to believe that, but I can't stop thinking it. My parents are both very introverted (as am I, to an extent). I know there's nothing wrong with that. But it's to the point where they don't really have and friends or past-times outside of their workplace. For example, my dad is a high school teacher, and throughout summer holidays he doesn't spend time with anyone other than me and my mum (and even he and my mum don't often do things together if I'm not there). My mum's the same way, and only ever really meets up with people outside of our family once every couple of months. </p>

<p>On the bright side, they've both got hobbies. My mum's an amazing quilter, and this year, my dad has been spending more and more time on his photography. But they still have the time to wait for me on Skype every single night and have hour-long conversations. I love talking to them, don't get me wrong, but I always feel almost obligated to, because otherwise they just spend their evenings watching TV in seperate parts of the house. It's been like this for as long as I can remember. Every night when I talk to them, I ask them whether or not they did anything fun, and without fail, their responses are always, "not really."</p>

<p>I feel horrible for thinking like this, and essentially assuming that my parents don't have lives. I know it's awful. But I really need help coping with this feeling, because it's preventing me from enjoying my time at university. I feel really guilty about making new friends and the prospect of enjoying my time away from home, because I worry that my parents aren't having fun. </p>

<p>I know that I shouldn't feel like this, and I'm sure that my parents don't want me to sit around feeling sorry for them when they're probably perfectly happy. I'm really sorry if this sounds conceited or selfish in any way, and again, I know that it's irrational. </p>

<p>Do you have any advice on how to work past this? Any responses are greatly appreciated. :)</p>

2

<p>This is a time your parents are making the transition as well. Believe it or not, we parents can lose ourselves in our kids and when they’re gone then we have to re-establish the relationship with the spouse and figure out how to move on and add interests. You aren’t responsible for that transition. They would never want you going home just for them. I understand you are close, and just because your dad prefers to hang at home over summers doesn’t mean he isn’t content.</p>

<p>They need time to make the transition as well. I don’t know if skyping every night is helpful or not in the long run. You don’t need to wean yourselves out of your lives, but you have to feel free to pursue your own life as well.</p>

3

<p>The fact that your parents usually don’t report having done anything “fun” may not be indicative of a problem.</p>

<p>Middle-aged people with full-time jobs and home responsibilities often prefer to spend much of their free time on unstructured, low-key activities, such as reading, watching TV, or working on a hobby project, rather than on active fun. This doesn’t mean that there’s anything lacking in their lives.</p>

4

<p>You are a great kid to Skype regularly (daily) with them. I am also a somewhat introverted parent (although single parent). One kid a senior in college (a few hour plane ride away), and one a junior in high school. Like your parents, I do work, but much of my “social” life is with my remaining kid at home or with parents of her friends at her activities. My older D (like you) touches base with me pretty much every day. Or did until this year, she is super busy with her senior thesis and job hunting, so we talk more like 3 times per week.</p>

<p>And I think that is fine. She needs to launch her life. I would not want her to feel guilty (or my younger D, either) about going away to get their education, or if they decide to live in another city when they are our of college. Of course I miss them, but it is my responsibility to figure out productive/interesting ways to fill up my time without their physcial presence.</p>

<p>Recently I have taken up the study of math again, in preparation for the youngest leaving for college next year. I plan to take a few classes online at our state university once she is gone to school, possibly in preparation in going back myself to earn a BS degree (I have a masters in the field I work in, but really love science and am considering a career change once the last kid tuition bill is paid!).</p>

<p>Your parents have that option, and I do NOT think you should move back with them to a substandard education based on your description. It is great if you can go back for summers and school breaks. Of course if they had health issues or something like that, it would be a valid reason to go back. But they are adults, and need to find their own fulfillment in each other and their community.</p>

<p>Now… I may very well move to be closer to my kids when they are grown & settled somewhere (if it makes sense). I believe D1 would encourage this (in fact, I wouldn’t do it if the kids did not think it is a good idea). I really want to be able to provide support to my kids and do grandparent-y things on a regular basis. But even if that doesn’t happen, I sincerely believe it is my job as an adult (and your parents’ job, too) to allow you to spread your wings and achieve your goals.</p>

5

<p>OP, my H and I are probably much like your parents: one kid, introverts, with quiet hobbies. I agree with Marian above. Your parents are living the life they chose. It’s not your responsibility to fix them or improve their day-to-day lives. When my D goes to school next year, I’m sure we will miss her very much, but we always knew this day would come, and we’re glad that we all were able to make it happen (through her work, achievement and goals, and our financial planning). I’m sure your parents are quietly gratified by your independence and achievement.</p>

<p>Is this about your parents, or about your own discomfort where you are and your wish to remain in close contact with people who make you feel comfortable? The reason I ask is because your post opens with your dissatisfactions with your current school and lack of engagement, and then goes on to your concerns about your parents. </p>

<p>Don’t use your parents as an excuse not to throw yourself into your own life.</p>

6

<p>Your parents are classic introverts. If they’re happy, don’t feel guilty. Even if they’re NOT happy, you shouldn’t arrange your life around them. They will adjust to the empty nest, sooner or later.</p>

7

<p>Freshman year transitions are difficult for everyone. You can’t live your life for your parents and what you as an 18 year old define as “happy” is not the same definition for an old married couple. It seems as if you are having some difficulties breaking away. I think you should cut back on your conversations with your parents, daily conversations at this point in the year are too much. I believe you are creating a situation where you will, at some point, resent them. It’s your turn, embrace it.</p>

8

<p>Introverted people can be quite content with their lives. I am an extrovert, but my husband is an introvert. Sometimes people make the assumption that because he is quiet that he is somehow lacking in life. He enjoys intellectual, solitary pursuits and is a very happy and content person. It seems that you AND your parents are that way. </p>

<p>Sometimes young people think that in order to enjoy life it is necessary to be “out there” doing stuff all the time. It takes a little bit of life experience to understand that there are people that are quite content to be quiet and by themselves.</p>

<p>I am sure that your parents love you, and that they miss you. I am also sure that they would not want you to change your life to suit them. I am a parent of 3 sons. They are 18 (senior), 15 (sophomore), 13 (7th grade). I love them, support them and my whole life has been intertwined with theirs. When my oldest leaves for Cleveland this summer I will miss him terribly. But it is time for him to go out and start to make his way in the world. It is time. I would NEVER want him to change his plans because he was afraid that I would not have enough to do without him. That is not what he should be doing at 18 years old. </p>

<p>If you are struggling, but content to continue the struggle where you are please stay. Your parents would be crushed if they thought that you were changing your plans because you were worried about them. Besides, if you attach to the campus you may find that it is less of a struggle and more enjoyable for you.</p>

<p>Best wishes to you.</p>