<p>I was going to post this thread last night but decided to sleep on it. Photokid called yesterday and vented about how his roommate's parents call every night, mostly during study hall hours. It's been going on since the beginning of the year and he's tried to be understanding/polite, but now he's reached the end of his tether.</p>
<p>He's been forced to spend study hall everywhere (except the one place he wants to be- his room!). His roommate has apologized but said this was the most convenient time for his parents to call. Yesterday, Photokid called to run by some ideas on how he was going to approach this with his roommate and advisor. </p>
<p>Even though the calls aren't on speaker, he can still hear what's being said and it makes him truly uncomfortable. He feels like he's intruding. Sometimes he feels like he's getting a lecture, too! Which is kind of funny because he once had a roommate with a Tiger Mom. Occasionally, he'd ask to talk to her when he needed motivation! But he was much closer to that family than this one- and they didn't call everyday! Anyway....</p>
<p>Anyone else come across this? He asked me not to get involved because he'd like to resolve it on his own, so I won't...... but man, I really want to.</p>
<p>SO. . .I am guessing that phones are allowed during study hours? In D’s former school, they could not be using phones and doors had to be open during study hours. I would bet that calls would disrupt the neighbors too. Students had to spend study hall in their rooms unless they had a prior meeting scheduled with a faculty member.</p>
<p>So if those precautions are not in place in this school, can he go to the prefect or advisor and ask for some guidance? It does not seem right that a student cannot study in his own room. Is your son sure the rules don’t prevent these kinds of nightly calls/interruptions?</p>
<p>I agree that the roommate should walk out of the room when his parents call. One would think he would want the privacy anyway, I know my child often discusses private issues with me when we talk, and wouldn’t want anyone else within earshot.</p>
<p>I was confused by your thread title - are you saying the roommate’s parents are overly involved or you think you might be if you take any action to help your son resolve this?</p>
<p>Photokid is a Path of Least Resistance kid who is also a seasoned boarder. He sympathized with his roommate because his family was new to this experience and he thought, overtime, the calls would stop, or at least become less frequent. He’s been studying in the library, common room and sometimes in another student’s room. He knows he should have said something sooner, but again- he was trying to accommodate a new family. I think he realizes his mistake.</p>
<p>And yes, there is a No Phone rule during study hall. This family obviously doesn’t think this rule applies to them. Photokid thought the best approach was to grab his books and go, but now feels that wasn’t his best decision. He said he did complain to the roommate, but his roommate was upset and he didn’t push. Now he’s ready to do something about it- thankfully. I’m glad he finally let me know.</p>
<p>The final straw was a 5am call on a sleep in day. Yeah, they call their kid early in the morning, too.</p>
<p>Our school also does not allow phone use during study hall and in fact phone conversations are highly discouraged pretty much anywhere where they might be overheard- if the conversations must be during study hall, one suugestion would be for roomies parents to text via skype w/mute on (type not talk and no video) Definitely agree that kid getting the calls should be the one to remove himself from the room. i suspect the advisor can solve this one pretty easily - And can also ask the parents to reschedule to a time that is more appropriate</p>
<p>HarvestMoon- The parents (according to Photokid) are on their kid constantly. They seem to be overly involved in every aspect of what should be their kid’s experience. Photokid has a heart and feels for him. He’s seen it before, but never like this…</p>
<p>I would definitely have Photokid bring it up to his advisor. It is clearly disrupting him. Perhaps these parents need to hear from an adult at the school about appropriate communication. My S would have been really annoyed by a 5am call on any day! And he is a morning kid.</p>
<p>Does the roommate want to speak to his parents this much or are his parents insisting? I ask because your son might actually be doing the kid a favor by getting the advisor to contact the parents.</p>
<p>I would be outraged by the sheer inconsiderateness of it all. Jeez! It’s just so incredibly thoughtless. This probably hasn’t even occurred to the parents.</p>
<p>What needs to happen is that the roommate needs to tell his parents that he will not be answering the phone during study hours. But maybe that’s too much to ask. My kids wouldn’t hesitate to tell me something like that. But then again, I’m not the type to try to exert total domination over my kids!</p>
<p>My d doesn’t complain about her roomie talking on the phone, but she does homework while listening to music on headphones so maybe she doesn’t even notice. I have texted her to see if she could call me and gotten the response, “no. roommate is asleep and I don’t want to wake her.”</p>
<p>PhotoMom doesn’t say how long these calls are, but this phone time is cutting into roomie’s prime study/homework hours as well which, at most schools, are precious. Most parents don’t want to interrupt study hours if at all possible. As noted above, I’m very surprised phones/calls are allowed during this time.</p>
<p>Good for your son for planning to address this himself with his roommate/advisor. He is taking the right initiative. Let him work his plan. I bet this situation is resolved quickly.</p>
<p>I totally agree this is out of hand but as a new boarding parent I wanted to do a reality check. I often will Skype (IM, not voice) D2 during study hall (not every night but maybe 2 out of 5 Sunday/weeknights) just to check in because it’s the only time I know I will get her. She is horrible about answering phone or text messages (forget about email). Usually 2-3 lines back and forth, if there’s anything that needs a longer exchange we leave it for outside study hall (and out of the the room). Reasonable?</p>
<p>My suggestion would be to first speak with his dorm prefect. If not resolved, go to the dorm counselor(house parent, advisor) and ask for advice. The rules by school vary but it is my understanding that study time is suppose to be phone free at most schools. If we are to speak to our child in the evening, we are told that the call should be after study hall which ends at 9:30pm. These parents sound like the type that school prefer to avoid. Compliments to your child for wanting to handle this on their own, this is precisely one of the things learned while at boarding school- resolving conflict with the people you are living.</p>
<p>It’s great your son is taking steps to solve the problem. I think the first stop should be the dorm parent, and/or the people on duty in the dorm. If study hall is supposed to be phone-free, shouldn’t they be enforcing norms?</p>
<p>The roommate’s parents are also disrupting their own child’s study time. It can’t be that hard to exercise the discipline to call before or after study hall. There are also other options–facebook chat, texting, exchanging emails, etc.</p>
<p>Photokid met with his advisor today and the meeting went well. His advisor called me tonight and I feel confident everything will work out. According to his Advisor, Photokid was hoping the calls would cease or become less frequent after break. He thought once his roommate had a chance to go home and reconnect with his family all the first term jitters ( or whatever was going on) would subside, but everything seemed to escalate instead. He also knew (it was likely) he was going to room with this young man until the end of the year (school is full) and didn’t want to create a stir. He kept his ears open for a single, but nothing opened up. He thought about switching out and finding another roommate for his roommate, but nixed that idea because he didn’t want to draw attention to the problem- and potentially add more stress to his roommate’s situation/life.</p>
<p>When the advisor asked him how he wanted to approach this with his roommate, he said: Look, I’m sure there are things I do that drive him nuts- lets start there. (Lets start with the wet towels you leave on the floor, Photokid). I get the impression Photokid wants to put him at ease, clear the air and remain friends. He told his Advisor that the last thing he wants is for his roommate to feel uncomfortable. And of course, ultimately he’d like to study in his room again. I think he’d like the 5am wakeup calls to stop, too… The school (DOS) will handle the parent end, which I’m sure will done with care. The kids are meeting with Photokid’s Advisor and their Dorm Parent tomorrow.</p>
<p>There’s nothing better than a great relationship with your kid’s Advisor. When I picked up his call tonight he said, So- How’s it going, Mom? ( I think Photokid may have clued him in that Mom was a little angry… ) The faculty at these schools are amazing, aren’t they? So easy going considering their hectic lives in teenagedom. That’s probably not a word, but I’m going with it.</p>
<p>I did ask why no one seemed to notice what was going on and he said part of the reason was their room is located at the end of a very long corridor (which I knew) and that they’re both quiet/ responsible/ good students. I could see that.</p>
<p>Thanks for your comments everyone. I appreciate it. Hopefully I’ll get news that the roommate meeting went well.</p>
<p>You have a great son. Very understanding, caring and mature. I envy you! He took every right step that he could possibly do. Better than some adults! </p>
<p>One thing that is clear is that your son is having a very good learning experience.</p>
<p>Every parent wants their child to be caring, understanding and mature. That is one of the very important reasons for boarding school education. And your son seems to be just on the right path. </p>
<p>BTW, I have recently read a kindle eBook titled “Less Stress, More Success” co-authored by Marilee Jones (a former M.I.T. admission director) & Kenneth Ginsburg. (M.D) Full of impressive insights based on their respective experiences. Strongly recommended.</p>
<p>Sounds like a very mature young man. So many kids live in single rooms at home, and we forget how much is learned from sharing a room with someone else. Back in the day, when families had 6,7,8 kids sharing a room was common place. I have so much respect for these faculty members who dedicate their lives to teach and live with these young teenagers. It’s like perpetual parenting. Most of us look forward to getting past the teens years, these teachers make it a lifestyle.</p>
<p>You know… I wish I could say his older brother would handle everything this well, but unfortunately I can’t. K1 has had the same roommate for the last three years and they have this real love/hate- can’t live with you-can’t live without you thing going. When something happens between these two, we automatically side with the roommate. We know K1 too well. (He’s won “Last Person I’d Want To Be Stuck In A Lifeboat With” ten years running) Once, I took these two out to dinner and their bickering reminded me of a bitter old married couple. Finally, I had to tell them to knock it off. It wasn’t worth The Points (on the credit card). Still… it’s been quite a sight watching them reunite at the beginning of each year and there are days I wonder how they’ll survive without each other next year when they go away to different schools…</p>
<p>patronyork- I definitely want to read that! Thanks for the recommendation!</p>
) The faculty at these schools are amazing, aren’t they? So easy going considering their hectic lives in teenagedom. That’s probably not a word, but I’m going with it.</p>