<p>We have walked this road this week as my D was rejected from her dream school (they don't defer). She knew intellectually that it was a reach, but it's impossible not to dream. It was the right use of ED and she doesn't regret taking the shot. She was statistically in the ballpark and a legacy, but she applied for a small program and it didn't work out. She was disappointed and I daresay devastated for awhile, but by the next morning announced that she was fine. School was going to be tough because she didn't want to hear a lot of "I'm sorry's", but she bucked up and headed off. When she got home yesterday afternoon she reported that it had been a little rough, but her friends were supportive and did what friends do. A teacher she is close to gave her a hug and whispered in her ear "their loss". In the midst of all this she was worried about telling friends who had not yet heard from dream ED schools as it might make them more nervous. We live in a community where status and name brands are valued, and she recognized that a little piece of her was hurting just because of that...not being able to say I'm going to "X" school. That feeling was shortlived however. She already has multiple rolling decision acceptances and has made her choice among them. She will apply to 6 more schools RD and has 1 EA outstanding (also a big reach). If none work out (they are predominantly reaches, so she knows that multiple rejections are a distinct possibility), then she will go happily to her safer (I hesitate to call anything a safety in this environment) school. As a parent my heart was breaking for her...we all want our kids to be happy and get what they want. But I could not be more proud of the way she has handled this disappointment. She knows life can be full of disappointment and it's all in how you handle it. My girl makes my proud most of the time..but this week it's beyond proud.</p>
<p>JHS, I can appreciate all that you wrote. The college admissions process is wrought with some of those feelings. Things are out of the student's hands and even out of their parents' hands. They cannot control the outcome. Someone else is going to decide. Also, there is "assessment" involved and so they are being evaluated and so that has feelings attached to it as well. I think all students will have that aspect to some degree with this process. </p>
<p>My kids didn't have the answering to peers aspect, however, as they were not all comparing notes like at some other places. They weren't necessarily applying to similar schools even. It was not a hot topic at school. </p>
<p>Anyway, the other key was that they were very very cognizant of what elite admissions entails. They knew the very low admit rates and odds at those kinds of schools and understood that a rejection didn't equate with not being good enough. Now, if they were rejected at all their schools, different story. But their lists were balanced. I will qualify that...my older D's list was balanced. My younger D applied to all BFA in Musical Theater programs and the acceptance rates for all of them were in the single digits (how is that for stressful!). But basically, what I am saying is that the outcome from any one single school didn't equate with their self worth or qualifications. It was the sum total. I felt that if they got into just one of their colleges, they'd be successful. If they had a choice, that would be really nice. If they got into one of the few first choices (neither had just ONE first choice, thankfully), that was like a big prize, a cherry on top sort of thing. They were lucky and ended up with the cherry but I think getting into college was the goal and for that, they and many others, achieve success.</p>
<p>The process can be stressful, overwhelming and full of anxiety, but if proper perspective can be had, it helps.</p>
<p>Runnersmom, kudos to your daughter. Disappointment is rough. It is rougher on us parents because we want to see our kids happy and this is one time when we can't control the outcome. While it hurts to see our kids not get what they were hoping for (believe me, I know what that is like, not talking of college admissions now), if you think about it with less emotion and step back, it likely is good for them to not have everything go positively because life is gonna be this way. It is hard on these high achievers who have had almost everything go well so far. In the end, grappling with situations like your D just did, will serve her well. If she has high self esteem, she'll weather these disappointments. I have a kid who is in a field that involves being constantly evaluated and where rejections happen constantly and she has to believe in herself and keep going and not see these as setbacks. She is in musical theater which involves constant auditioning, amongst many highly talented others, as well as factors beyond her control (looks, type, etc.) and so she has to keep her head up and not take it personally, in order to succeed. So, college admissions aside, she is dealing with this on an ongoing basis. She'll say she did her best and doesn't get upset when she is not cast as she knows it is not a commentary on her talent. So, as much as it is hard to see disappointing news for our kids, they will be better off as they learn to handle it as it is sure to happen again. Right now, your D is immersed in all things "college admissions" but I can assure you that once this passes, she will be a happy camper this time next fall at a school that is good. These disappointments from certain schools on her list are not going to matter at that point. They will be forgotten. It will pass. It sounds like your D has weathered it well and only let it get to her for a day. She is allowed :D.</p>
<p>A word on peer pressure: In my son's case, I don't think it's the fault of some bad other kids with bad parents, or even of the school itself (although the school and its values has a role). The peer pressure he feels is largely imaginary. (He feels imaginary parental pressure, too, no matter what we say, and it's really annoying.) I know most of his friends; I know his status with them doesn't have anything to do with which colleges accept him or not. Their college acceptances will have no bearing on what he thinks about them, either. And I'm sure the vast hordes of kids beyond his friendship circle spend very little energy thinking about him one way or another. Intellectually, he knows all that; emotionally, it's out the window for the time being.</p>
<p>He is projecting his doubts about himself and anxiety onto others. It's mostly all him.</p>
<p>runnersmom: I second sooz's comments. These feelings of sadness will pass once your D is settled at college next year. My son was rejected at two of this top choices and was a bit thrown off (he DOES go to one of those schools where everyone compares notes). Thankfully, he didn't dwell on those rejections and moved on to make a choice among some fine schools that DID want him. And he's happy now.
To all of those folks who say that you should choose the lifestyle you want and then move, I have to say it's not quite that simple. We have steady jobs ,family (including a 92 year old mom who counts on us for help) and many good friends in our "big east coast city" location. So we should just pack up and move to a rural area so our kids can go to a relaxed school and avoid seeing BMWs? I prefer to stay and fight. We have many ties here and there are good things about this area too. There are plenty of us who resist getting caught up in the craziness - I shudder to think what would happen if we all left!</p>
<p>We moved from Boston to a relaxed Southern area. Most kids go to state U, where they attend for free. Those that apply to out-of-area schools seem to have parents from the NE or those who want some particular aspect of a school (a tech U, or a strong religious community). Other than the top 5% of students, I don't think other kids feel a pressure to strive for top grades. Only 1 of S's friends took an SAT prep course and hired an adviser (& it paid off). I worried that S would not be prepared for competitiveness at a tough college. Thankfully, he adapted.
Toneranger, our move was to be near family, and giving up my job and school system was painful. Parents can definitely help a child cope with peer pressure.</p>
<p>JHS said:
[quote]
He doesn't have much experience of how it feels when your reach exceeds your grasp (and what experience he has doesn't make him feel comfortable).
[/quote]
</p>
<p>That is such an important statement. </p>
<p>I suspect really successful people have a reach that exceeds their grasp most of the time. They learn to deal with it AND keep reaching. </p>
<p>Only when you learn to get over the fear of failing to grasp can you be comfortable with a BIG reach. </p>
<p>So, while obviously painful, wow, it's a big lesson in life, and not necessarily a bad one.</p>
<p>Good luck everybody. Be jolly, and keep your kids moving forward.</p>
<p>I have to disagree with the assertion that you need to pick a different area of the country to live in in order to miss this kind of pressure. The Northeast, for instance, is not a monolithic entity. There's an invisible world of regular towns, with regular school systems, which don't conform to the stereotype, right in the midst of the more "competitive" towns. </p>
<p>We live in Northern suburban NJ, supposedly one of the pressure cookers of the country. But our school is not a pressure cooker. No one there "expects" to get into a "top" school. When someone does, it is grounds for general pride--look what one of "us" did. We live a stone's throw from school systems which are indeed pressure cookers, who look down on us. How often have acquaintances of mine asked me why I live "there"! Any one of them could also choose to; we're a stone's throw from NYC, and a reasonable commute to any metro area jobs.</p>
<p>It's just that, our town is invisible to them when they go look for homes, and our school system would definitely be ruled out as not "competitive" enough. I think you get what you look for.</p>
<p>Garland, I couldn't agree more but I'd add you also reap what you sow. Our city has two high schools-- one perceived as snazzier than the other. We live in the urban part of town-- within a mile from two high rise public housing projects, several large apartment buildings which accept section 7 housing vouchers along with private pay tenants, plus a hodge podge of nice condos, private houses, etc. It's not as nice as the "other" side of town which is almost exclusively private houses, some in an area with minimum zoning regulations.</p>
<p>So dont tell me you have to move to East Overshoe Falls to get a reduced stress environment... pick a house in an area with minimum zoning of at least an acre, and you're going to get neighbors who worry about status, prestige, etc. Pick a house in a more diverse community, and along with the high achievers (lots of newly arrived immigrants in low income housing, and boy.... it's Harvard, Yale or bust with them!) you also get people who worry about job security, mom's ailing health, and more "normal" concerns than whether Williams is prestigious enough to tell the folks down at the Country Club.</p>
<p>I will echo part of what Toneranger said, however. I wouldn't give up my urban lifestyle so quickly just to get neighbors who don't care where my kids go to college. Many of you in rural areas describe your lives driving your kids huge distances from one activity to another, evenings spent with the kids eating dinner in the car, no friends in the neighborhood so every social event involves great distances, kids driving alone on rural roads in bad weather, etc. My kids socialized using public transportation; could get themselves from the orthodontist to the library to a friends house using a bus pass. I take the train to work and get to read as an added bonus. When gas prices soared over $3 I worried about how the working poor were supposed to cope but it didn't really change my lifestyle.</p>
<p>I'm not being smug..... but living in a remote area and then depending on cheap gas and other people's taxes to maintain your lifestyle is a choice, just as my living in the northeast where supposedly people care more about AP classes than anything else (not true where I live but for sure true in some places) is a choice.</p>
<p>I suspect -- and my friends' and spouse's childhood experiences confirm -- that if you take a close look at the unpressured teen experience in East Overshoe Falls you are likely to find a lot of boredom, a lot of drinking, a few meth labs, and a decent amount of teenage pregnancy. Nothing's perfect.</p>
<p>"that if you take a close look at the unpressured teen experience in East Overshoe Falls you are likely to find a lot of boredom, a lot of drinking, a few meth labs, and a decent amount of teenage pregnancy."</p>
<p>Oh my goodness, as if that stuff doesn't exist in ALL high schools. </p>
<p>Meth labs don't have to be right in your neighborhood for you to have a meth problem. </p>
<p>Pregnancy? Don't make me laugh! Rich kids just get quicker, quieter abortions. </p>
<p>Boredom? Drinking? What else is new?</p>