Putting it back into perspective

Parent Cafe
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<p>My dd is a senior in high school, and is freaking out about the college application process. She goes to a private high school where she has said she thinks everyone (except her) gets 2300 or better on the SAT (I've told her that is impossible, but you get the idea of how obsessive the atmosphere can get). My daughter had asked me what would happen if she didn't get into any colleges a few weeks ago -- a real fear for her. I told her I know that there are decent schools that accept students in the spring or even the summer, because they are not full, so in the worst case scenario, she'll still have some options. She is not applying to any Ivy League schools, and has a nice variety of selectivity levels on her list, and has the guidance of wonderful counselors at her school through this process. But still, the anxiety level around the process is sky high. </p>

<p>But she said that something happened yesterday to help her put things back into perspective. She spent some hours yesterday studying for finals at one of the local Starbucks, and today she told me that while she was there, two high school seniors sat down next to her and started talking about their SAT scores, which ranged from 360 to 490. It reminded her that there are a lot of people with less than stellar SAT scores planning to go to college. Of course she knows that statistically, 500 is the average SAT score, but hearing real people talking about their scores brought the broader world back into the picture. </p>

<p>Happy Holidays to all of the high school seniors and their families -- and good luck!</p>

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<p>There are around 3000 colleges and universities in the US, more if you add Canada. There is a place for all levels of students, don’t worry too much. Your DD will find a school of her choice.</p>

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<p>I’m not worried. She is. The process seems to be much more riddled with anxiety than it used to be for young people. It is pervasive, even for those kids who have parents who are not concerned about their kids trying for the tippy top schools.</p>

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<p>Personally I think this syndrom is oftentimes caught from their parents. (And please note: I am not saying that the OP is a culprit.) Parents who write their childrens’ essays, prepare portfolios “just to help”, and lead every conversation with friends/their child/and the kids’ friends, with “where did you apply and where are you going?”</p>

<p>I knew (notice I said knew) one mom who called a university to “report” daughter’s friend who embellished ecs. Did I mention that she wrote her kid’s essay?</p>

<p>Kids will get in to college. Some will get into universities that no one expected that they would, and someone won’t get into the school that was a shoe in. It will work out.</p>

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<p>It’s hard to get anyone to believe you at this time of year but things that seem of monumental importance or looming danger now will have receded far into the rear view mirror without consequence by, oh, October of next year.</p>

<p>I’m reminding myself of that as D now goes through grad school apps and have looked at some of the acceptance rates of <em>those</em> programs. Yeeps.</p>

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<p>mstee, just tell her to hang in there. It’ll work out. </p>

<p>When I saw this thread title , I thought it was going somewhere else. But I’ll go there anyway…:wink: </p>

<p>I got a call today from a young lady who played against my D in grade school, junior high, high school, and select basketball. Much taller, much more physically imposing, more athletic …but not exceptional. (Wouldn’t take anything near exceptional to be more athletically gifted than mine. ;)) But a head case. </p>

<p>Everything she was - my kid wasn’t. Everything my kid was, she wasn’t. And they knew it. They started against each other at the “5” (post or center) in a playoff game for their schools as freshman. My kid was never going to play anywhere on a scholarship, while this kid was scouted from the crib. But when ever they faced each other, it was a bloodbath. They did NOT like each other. Probably still don’t. And you could tell it from the tip till one of them fouled out. Which usually wasn’t all that long. </p>

<p>I have to admit, I felt bad at times for my kid. Not that she would have ever heard that from me. :wink: The girl was literally 6’2 in the 9th grade and already had shoulders bigger than mine (and I ain’t little). Heck, she may have had biceps bigger than mine. But my kid gave it everything she had, every night. </p>

<p>The call was a result of her seeing me in court last Friday (we said hi) representing a “gentleman” in a nasty custody fight. You know, police, drug allegations, the whole enchilada. Well, my idiot was less of an idiot than the other guy’s idiot and , somehow, I won. And she had heard about it. </p>

<p>At 23 she has 3 kids by two different men and needs a lawyer to get child support and court protection. From both of them. Somehow, I’m not that jealous of her physique and athleticism anymore. Perspective. Seems like some of us are just a little slow on the uptake.</p>

<p>Sorry for the thread-jack.</p>

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<p>Nothing original, but I am a fatalist at heart. I do think your life has a path. Failing that, I can always summon what my mother told me 1,000 times: Everything works out for the best. Curmudgeon–heartening story.</p>

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<p>Curmudgeon, thanks for the story. I shared it with my D, who also played varsity basketball in HS, but who’s skills were more in attitute, leadership and teamwork rather than rebounding, scoring and dribbling. She had her talented nemesis on the court as well. Fast forwarding, D graduated “Magna Cum Laude” from State U last spring, accepted an employment offer from a reknown accounting firm, and has passed the first two parts of the CPA exam. I don’t know how Nemesis turned out - - - but now I’m motivated to find out.</p>

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<p>On the flip side, my H has reconnected with many people he knew growing up, where they strongly diverged when he went to a rigorous university and they went to CC, or not at all. Now they have wonderful times hanging out and reminiscing about old times, and he appreciates how they all have built strong, caring lives for themselves and their families. </p>

<p>Of course there are those whose paths haven’t led them to quite such a nice place. But it’s been a great lesson in “to each his/her own.” Too bad it sometimes takes 30 years to understand that.</p>

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<p>I typed my post after many, many hours in the saddle (I was just getting home). I want to be sure everyone understands that I am not relishing in the young lady’s misfortune. Far from it and I will try my best to help her. Instead, I was realizing just how much of an idiot I was a decade ago for being jealous of some attributes some random child had while mine plodded along with her “limitations”. The realization made me feel very small, indeed. Like I’ve said before on CC, I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but - sooner or later- I’ll get to the right answer. Well, this one took me a decade. ;)</p>

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<p>I didn’t mean to chide, if it came off that way. I just do think the intensity of competition (whether for grades, sports, friends, whatever) is so high during adolescence, and it sticks with us so long, that we can be surprised sometimes. </p>

<p>And some of those jealousies do stay with us. It’s hard to help our kids put them into perspective when we still think “If only Susie Smith hadn’t gotten that part in the play junior year!” And college - well, that sense of competition and those strong feelings are incredibly valid, especially at this point in the process. It’s hard to know just how to help them deal with these feelings that all of us have and that persist for so long.</p>

<p>It sounds trite, but I do think that those experiences where kids get “out of the bubble” and meet people who are truly struggling - not over Harvard vs. Princeton, but whether they can even get a job, let alone go to school - helps a lot. One family I know got tired enough of what they thought was an “over-privileged” attitude in their HS senior that they took him to a homeless shelter and made him serve meals there and remember how lucky he is.</p>

<p>But we don’t need to make our kids feel guilty, either. For one reason or another, my D1 will be the first grandchild on one side to graduate from college, even though she’s far from the oldest. She feels bad about this, fears she’ll seem like she’s throwing it in her cousins’ faces. I’ve told her people just have to take their own journey, and that it doesn’t mean anything about her that she didn’t happen to hit any bumps (yet). Man, there’s just always something to feel bad about, isn’t there?</p>

<p>Good luck to OP’s D surviving an atmosphere where the broad spectrum of human experience can get so easily lost. It sounds like she has a great mom to worry about her values and help her keep her head straight.</p>

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<p>Even if you were chiding me for my old jealousies (and I didn’t think you were), I would have deserved it. So chide away. ;)</p>

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<p>I do think the original post is a call out to the purpose of CC. FITFITFIT, not prestige, not what other people think, not rankings, FIT!</p>

<p>My D1 was approaching UG nearly a decade ago (!) way before CC had many postings, before Curm’s DDs story, before the focus of fit had become a mantra, back when the PR board with the prestige focus was nearly the only resource. DD applied to many schools, did not take our advice particularly, and ended up with several denials from placed that were not a good fit, but worse her admittances were all Profile except one, yes ONE school. DD ended up at that financial safety and it was not a good fit. By the time D2 came along a few years later, CC had blossomed and between CC & D1’s experience, we got DD 6 excellent offers.</p>

<p>It would be very easy for a kid at a competitive private school to get caught up in the competitive schools. I would encourage the OP to look deeper into the applications your DD is submitting, make sure you have some choices come spring- public, private, merit aid, FAFSA/Profile, large/small, whatever your Dd wants, find a variety of schools who may give both an acceptance and an acceptable out of pocket price after aid!</p>

<p>There is still time to do some apps for some smaller schools that offer merit if that is the way you want to go, there is a thread about western 3.0 schools that lists tons of info about schools where your DD is likely top of the heap and would get some merit aid.</p>

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<p>I regularly see ACT composite scores of 13 and 15 in my job. Believe me, your D will have many wonderful opportunities for higher education. She just needs to realize that there is more to life than getting great scores & a top college admission. Not that those are not wonderful to aspire to … just not necessary for happiness.</p>

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<p>Hey Curmudgeon, hijack anytime. Absolutely. Puts it in perspective. I am frequently in need of perspective, (even at my advanced age, LOL, will I never learn?) not about the college application process so much, but life in general. So thank you.</p>

<p>I made sure dd applied to at least one state school, and she applied to two of the UC’s already. The rest are a mix of private schools with good theatre/music programs, some more selective than others, but no HYPSM. I’ll be off to the post office in a few to mail in a CD of her singing to one of the schools . . .</p>

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<p>One would hope that adults have perspective, but it’s not necessarily so. At the honors ceremony for the top graduates of my daughter’s private school, the speaker addressed the assembled kids with the following: “Next year, when you’re at Harvard, Yale and Stanford, you will find that you are not working as hard as you did here.” My daughter’s comment, later: “I’m not going to Harvard, Yale or Stanford. What was that all about?” For her and some of the others who did not make it into top ten schools (despite having what looked like very strong applications) the speaker’s comment added insult to injury.</p>

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<p>Oh my!</p>

<p>Of course we are all killer proud of our children, where ever they are, but I’m afraid we do them no favors in our educational system. I think a lot of the pressure on the kids comes from the lack of respect we show for all professions that do not even need a college education. Painters, plumbers, firemen, care givers, soldiers, postal employees, store keepers, you name it. And I mean “we” here as the collective - not specifically as individuals. The pressure for kids to “perform” as if an IVY is the highest one could reach. Every time I hear politicians say “all kids to college” I want to scream how “about trade schools, internships, learning how to live and be as happy as possible.” Learning what many of us did not necessarily learn in college. Like living within our means, striving for a balanced life as well as reaching for everything you have within you.
When I grew up (granted a while ago and I’m not quite done yet) the joke was that you wanted your child to either be a pilot, for the free tickets (no longer true), a doctor (to consult when you were not happy with yours) or a plumber (self explanatory.)
I do not mean to take away from the beauty and the incredible gift the children have who are busting their asses off to get into college, and then the best school they can get in to. But we (and therefore they) have to know that in the end it doesn’t make them more valuable or more hard working than all the others.<br>
If you understand what I mean with this rather emotional College Confidential time of year. No, not the holidays. December 15, early admission. Application deadlines. SAT, ACT, AP, IB, AICE. It is all relative as some of the posts here have shown so well.</p>

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<p>Only 25% of US HS graduates have a degree fom a 4 year institution of higher learning by the time they have been out of HS 7 years.</p>

<p>The “real world?” This ain’t it. Most people get a job and work after HS.</p>

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<p>^^ true, 07dad. </p>

<p>if the last 7 years or so have taught us anything, it should be that we need MORE college-educated people in our country, not fewer. we need a well-informed group of people in the u.s., with an ability to think critically. so yes, “politicians” are urging us to go to college!! why is that such a bad thing…???</p>

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<p>Two thoughts–many more than 25% start college. The drop out rate is very directly related to income level. Many people cannot afford college and/or cannot work and attend.</p>

<p>The “perspective” is that a student is fortunate to get admitted to a college (so not getting into whatever is viewed as “the best” is not actually failure) and is even more fortunate to have the financial ability (including family support) to be able to afford to continue to graduation.</p>