Hello parents, I seek much-needed advice

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hello, </p>

<p>About 4 months ago, I met a girl, and I realized that she's THE girl. </p>

<p>And in case you may already be ridiculing the previous line, this isn't one of those "love sounds like a fun thing so i'm going to try it out!" relationships. Neither of us is stupid - I'd like to think that we're both quite intelligent people actually. On the whole, I'd say that reason has been a guiding force in both of our lives.</p>

<p>The problem is, we're 19. I've already secured a place in London, UK for medicine (I'm starting fall 2011) , and I always believed medicine was something truly worth pursuing. She's studying at University of Toronto, and she's not from the kind of family that can send a daughter abroad for love or anything like that - the family does not have the financial capacity to do so. </p>

<p>If anyone had asked me 5 months ago whether I would trust my head or my heart, I wouldn't have hesitated to reply, most confidently, 'my head'. Things have always been pretty clear-cut for me, but thats no longer the case. Now, I find myself very confused from time to time. </p>

<p>We've already had many discussions, and decided we didn't want to split up. I thought a long distance relationship wouldn't be much of a problem for me, but she's been away for a week on a French immersion program, and we're both already in so much pain.
We, or at least I, don't know what to do. I'm considering just staying in Canada to pursue philosophy and classical studies, and I was so sure about it, but now that my mother knows of the whole situation and is calling me pathetic and sad, I am most definitely lost. </p>

<p>I know this might sound like an insignificant, desperate plea for help, but I just wanted to seek advice from those who have experienced a lot more than I have.</p>

<p>We're in love, but we don't know what to do.
Please help us.</p>

2

<p>If she’s the one, she will force you to do what you need to do - which (I think) is study medicine, and will help you make it work - for both of you. It will not be the first long-distance relationship in the world, and, if she’s the one, it will make you both stronger.</p>

3

<p>I am not going to tell you that you should sacrifice yourself for love, or that your love can last a long distance relationship. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. What I will tell you (from experience) is that it is not love if you sacrifice your own dreams for someone else. Work at being the best person that you can be, doing what you love and you will love yourself. Can you imagine the pain that you would have in your relationship 10 years down the line if you have a “what if” running throuhg your head?
I would never tell you that she isn’t the one right now…but I will stress the “right now”. I have been truly in love 4 times in my life and only married once. Each love was real, and one of them ended due to us growing apart when I was in school and he was on a different continent. At the time I was devastated, but in the end I realized that we were not the same people that fell in love. It wasn’t a bad thing, it was just reality. I don’t regret loving him and neither of us regret following our own dreams.
Don’t give up on the college of your own choice.</p>

4

<p>Suppose you went off to medical school for the first year, look forward to a reunion in the summer, and meanwhile see if she can arrange for a year of study abroad in the UK the following year? That might give you both enough time to pursue your studies while seeing if the relationship stands the test of time. </p>

<p>Love can be capricious. To throw over an entire career direction after four months, even four amazing months, doesn’t sound like a wise move. If you were choosing between two medical schools, one in Canada vs. the other in the UK, that’d be a worthy consideration. But here you’re proposing abandoning an entire career to substitute for a different course of study entirely, following just 4 months of untested romantic love. It seems to me like a LOT to throw over. </p>

<p>Instead, you now both have choices. You can both study on two continents while looking forward to long periods of being together (if you return for summers, for example) throughout your student years. If your relationship lasts and strengthens during undergraduate years, you’ll both have quite a future. If it weakens, so it goes; it was meant to weaken and not because of the ocean between you during your student years. </p>

<p>If you were my son, I’d suggest you both proceed with the schools you have in hand, meanwhile try to incorporate the newfound relationship with all your might in the immediate near future. I think you’ll both feel truer to your destinies, although it’ll certainly hurt to be far apart. See what time teaches you about yourselves. And meanwhile, plan as many long reunions as you can afford between academic years.</p>

5

<p>Is it infatuation or love? The test of time will tell. Go abroad to medical school. Become immersed in the studies. Continue maturing/growing/changing- both of you. One year from now reevaluate your situation. The answer will be clearer.</p>

<p>The alternative- give up your professional dreams, stay local. Always wonder about your possible future. Possibly break up with girlfriend and regret lost opportunity. Stay with her and resent how she kept you from reaching your potential.</p>

<p>I notice you are writing this while enduring your first separation. Do not give up your plans, see what happens in 2 months minimum. Give yourself time to notice her foibles as well as her attributes.</p>

6

<p>True love requires making sacrifices, from both parties. For a married couple, that is what it is. Over 10 years ago, I have given up my career for family considerations. The trade off is another wonderful son for a career of being the president of a company in a country that my wife hates. On the other hand, you have not married. You do not really know whether you are in fact truly in love. If you were my son, here is my advice: Choose your career and have her choose her career. If you guys are truly made for each other, you will be together eventually. However, the trade off is the separation for a few years. At the end of the day, it is your life, and it is your choice. Good luck to you and have a great life!</p>

7

<p>You are 19 and its been only 4 months? Too young, too soon. Wait. If it is meant tobe it will survive the distance. Go to school and skype/call/text, visit when you can. And see what happens.</p>

8

<p>It is human nature especially for a young person such as yourself to be very passionate when first falling in love. But most people who have been through the trenches would say that true love and long term relationship is a lot more than the initial bonding and attraction. It involves a lot of effort and give & take from both parties. I think while you never know what will happen down the road, a relationship that starts with you throwing away a good and life changing opportunity while alienating your family could be forming a foundation that can be problematic and a source for resentment and troubles in the future. Could your love survives long distant relationship? I don’t know, but if it does, I think you both will be better off for it.</p>

9

<p>I met my spouse of 30 plus years at 19 in college. Sometimes, you do find “the one” at that age. However, as others have said, it takes time to figure that out. I studied abroad, we changed none of our educational goals, and our relationship continued.</p>

<p>I am a big believer in bringing your best self into your relationship. It is important to pursue your interests, your education and not completely shift gears immediately. Keeping to your anticipated medical studies will allow you to enter/continue any relationship with a clearer sense of who you are and specific skills that will allow you/partner to move forward. I like the keep your plans in place and periodically re-assess ideas above. It is not one or the other at this point. </p>

<p>Like others, I do believe that if it is meant to be it will be. A true partnership involves sacrifice, compromise and at times, keeping your eye on a long term pay off for short-term challenges. You’ll learn a lot about whether this is right for you by how you each handle this. All the best to you.</p>

10

<p>What will insure the best future for each of you, individually and collectively?
You in medical school and she in UT, both studying to obtain degrees.
If it is love,then the sacrifices you both make will have a purpose and give you both reason to succeed.
You are in the throes of discovery of each other.
Yes, beautiful and exciting.
Things will settle down as you both concentrate on your studies.
Let me guess, your first girlfriend?</p>

11

<p>I met “the one” 30 plus years ago also at 18. It lasts because we’ve never held each other back from pursuing personal dreams. It’s hard to be apart but it’ll last if it’s meant to be. The next few years will be a huge personal growth spurt–you may be diffferent people in the next 5-6 years. You should go on to college and pursue your goal.</p>

12

<p>Four months and 19? First love? This is infatuation which may turn into ‘true love’ but right now, it’s about equivalent to being on a drug. You can’t make rational decisions (which has nothing to do with your intelligence or ‘rationality’). </p>

<p>I know me saying this will probably have no impact whatsoever…you really believe your feelings. But be assured, someone who feels ‘pain’ at being away from another for only a week is infatuated and probably isn’t in the best position to make life altering choices while surrounded by those feelings. </p>

<p>Nothing wrong with your strong feelings-- indeed it wonderful! We’ve all been there. And maybe it is a necessary but not sufficient condition for lasting love (which you will discover, feels very different than now). But please do not make life altering decisions based upon them. Please! </p>

<p>Go to med school, let her pursue her career plans too. Where there is a will, there is a way. I know many many many people who have done long distance relationships for the sake of their education and careers and it all worked out in the end. As others have said, if she really IS the one, it will absolutely last the distance.</p>

13

<p>Get married and go to the UK together?</p>

14

<p>Go to med school! Please. You have to follow your own path or you will later have regrets and always have the “what if…”? in the back of your head, even if you she is the love of your life. It will be a healthier, happier relationship later if you stick with your goals, and in all honesty, she’s going to respect you more in the long run. I don’t want to make it sound as though I don’t think she’s the one you will spend the rest of your life with, because there are people that get married young and it works out, and there are people like me where it didn’t work after 9 years and you find yourself at the age of 30 kicking yourself for having not followed your own path. GO! Do the long distance thing and know that if it’s really meant to be that you both can wait.</p>

15

<p>If it’s true love, it will last the separation. My husband and I never lived in the same state until 3 months AFTER we were married. Yes, you read that correctly. Those 3 months after marriage we lived in different countries across the Atlantic Ocean. Why, because of what most everyone else has said above–we didn’t want to hold each other back from our dreams. We both made it work. With the internet/skype etc it should be much easier for you to keep in touch. We used letters (lots of letters) and phone calls (weekly not daily). Follow your dreams and let the rest work itself out.</p>

16

<p>I can see your friends calling you sad and pathetic but your mom?</p>

17

<p>Thank you, everyone, for all this advice. I didn’t think I’d get this many replies at first.</p>

<p>I know that in the end, the choice I make will be mine and that I’ll have to own up to it no matter what happens, but I feel a lot calmer and things are clearer for me now.</p>

<p>I had another long conversation with my girlfriend, and I realized how strong she is.
She told me that obviously, she’d love for us to be physically closer together,
but then told me ‘whatever decision you make, make sure its coming from you and nobody else - i’ll support you whatever you decide’. I guess no decision I make would be JUST from myself, but I think I’ll be able to make the final call.</p>

<p>Thank you again so much.</p>

18

<p>I don’t think your mom really means the ugly words that spewed out of her mouth. What she said was uncalled for, but chances are it was a deep emotional reaction to watching you let go of your long term dream. Is it possible that she is still harboring some negative feelings because she gave up her dreams years ago?</p>

<p>I say give it a year apart, but set up some ground rules for Skype/texting so you don’t end up sabotaging your school work. Back in my day, we had to write letters because telephoning was cost prohibitive.</p>

19

<p>My H and I began seriously dating when we were 18 but didn’t marry until we were 25. During that period, we were often separated as I studied, and as a grad student taught, abroad. Like VAMom, we were only able to keep in touch via letters and weekly phone calls. My neighbor’s D and her BF, both freshman this year, were separated by over a 1000 miles but stayed connected through internet/skype. They continue to consider themselves attached. Like other posters above, it was very important to me to follow my own aspirations and educational course. If I hadn’t I think I’d be full of regret today. If it’s meant to be, it will all work all. Best of luck to you!</p>

20

<p>Thank you RenaissanceMom - hearing something like that really makes me feel more hopeful, and I think more determined.</p>