Help! Could you grade my essay? Highest I've ever gotten was a 9!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Ok so here is the second essay prompt in the BB. </p>

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<p>Many people believe that our government should do more to solve our problems. After all, how can one individual create more jobs or make roads safer or improve the schools or help to provide any of the other benefits that we have come to enjoy? And yet expecting that the government—rather than individuals—should always come up with the solutions to society's ills may have made us less self-reliant, undermining our independence and self-sufficiency.</p>

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<p>Assignment:
Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

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<p>My essay:</p>

<pre><code>“Government of the people, by the people, for the people” is written in our famous preamble to the Constitution. The key words are “by the people”, meaning the people must be the ones who enact change. People should take more responsibility in solving the various problems that affect their community or country.

Individual people can achieve many great things and one needs to look no further than the Civil Rights movement that occurred in America half a century ago. The icon of the Civil Rights Era, Martin Luther King, was a huge proponent of civil disobedeiance and peaceful protest in order to bring about change. King led the Bus Boycott in Birmingham, Alabama and that was sparked by a similar individual, Rosa Parks. After the bus had been filled completely, Rosa Parks refused to leave her seat, showing courage that she, King, and many others would need during the Civil Rights movement. King gave his famous “I have a Dream Speech” on the Washington Mall, and led boycotts and peaceful protests. While eventually the government did enact policies granting Civil Rights, it would not have happened without the work of Parks and King.

Another individual that had a profound impact on society was Paul Bryant. Affectionataly called “The Bear” by fans, Bryant was the legendary football coach at the University of Alabama and arguably the most powerful person in Alabama while coaching. In 1970, the University of Alabama had African-American students, but they were bared from athletics. “The Bear” knew that African Americans could help his team and he wanted to convince the UA administration they were not inferior to whites. Bryant scheduled a football game between Alabama and USC, led by stud running back Seth Cunningham, who was African-American. Needless to say, the integrated USC team stomped all over Alabama. The administration got Bryant’s message, and that winter Bryant was allowed to recruit African-Americans.

Yet not everyone had a smooth transition in bringing about change. Archbishop Oscar Romero was originally the typical Catholic Bishop who sided with the rich of El Salvador and the government. However he heard the cry of the poor and began to preach “liberation theology” to give hope to the poor, who were terribly suppressed. While Romero died for this cause, his legacy lived on and allowed people to finish what he started and improve the lives of the people of El Salvador.

Individuals can, indeed, inspire and bring about change to problems that affect their countries or communities, the examples of Civil Rights, Paul Bryant and Oscar Romero prove this.
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<p>What do think of it? Do you think it is a 10+? I've gotten 8s the past couple times, and I think this one is leaps and bounds better, but you guys would probably be better judges than me. I know there are some typos and my third paragraph opening/transition really sucks, but I thought it was decent overall. I was happy it came out really long, 425 words. Usually I can only get to about a page and half before time runs out. </p>

<p>Thoughts? What would you score it?</p>

<p>Thanks</p>

2

<p>Bump… Help!</p>

<p>Any advice on sounding more eloquent? </p>

<p>Thanks</p>

3

<p>…any thoughts???</p>

4

<p>I have little idea how SAT essays are graded, but I can certainly point out some of spelling errors and awkward grammar constructions in your essay that may help you tomorrow. You probably have noticed most of them already, but in case you haven’t:</p>

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<p>Individual person? As for the whole sentence, the two clauses are not really parallel to one another. I would re-phrase it as “Individuals can achieve many great things. For an example, one needs to look no further than the Civil Rights movement that occurred in America half a century ago” or something to that extent.</p>

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<p>“disobedeiance” -> disobedience.
“in order to” -> as a way to</p>

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<p>“was sparked by a similar individual” modifies “bus boycott in Birmingham”… anyway, omit the “and”. </p>

<p>In general, I think in the first paragraph you should emphasize more on how the achievement of King and Parks were “great” instead merely describing their actions. Elaborate on the rippling effect of their protests. I’m sure you know why they’re great, but as an outside reader I may not necessarily see civil disobedience or peaceful protest as any action worthy of recognition – I need to be told that. You sort of mentioned it a little at the end with “[civil rights] would not have happened with the works of Parks and King”, but I think this point should be more prominent in your essay.</p>

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<p>“Affectionataly” -> affectionately </p>

<p>Conclude the second body paragraph by reiterating the opening sentence of the paragraph; say something to stress the “profound impact” he had on society (“because of him, African Americans began to gain the right to participate in athletics”, or something like that).</p>

<p>As for the last supporting paragraph, your example was great on target, but the introductory sentence diverted slightly from the topic of the essay. The topic was “should people take responsibilities to initiate change’, not “is instigating changes difficult”. However, you can certainly tie your sentence with something that refers back to the prompt, or you can add something to connect the two ideas at the end of the paragraph. </p>

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<p>A run-on. Make it into two sentences, with a period after “communities”. </p>

<p>Anyway, hope that was somewhat helpful. Good luck on your SAT tomorrow!</p>

5

<p>Wow! Thanks for the detailed response.</p>

<p>I actually had 45 seconds-1 minute before the 25 minutes were up, so I could have done a better job proofreading. </p>

<p>Thanks again. Anyone else have any critiques/grades?</p>

6

<p>You should keep in mind that your intro and conclusion pretty much dictate your overall essay grade. Try to slip in some SAT vocabulary into your intro and also try to make your conclusion a little longer.</p>

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<p>Yeah I made the Civil Rights part a little too long and the one about Bear Bryant a little long as well. Not much room for Romero and my conclusion I had to finish in the line under the last official line, but still technically in the box. </p>

<p>Thanks</p>

8

<p>Thanks everyone…one last shameless bump.</p>