HELP!!! critique my essay!

<p>No i am not applying to Yale. Nor am I the most brilliant of people. But I do need your help! I am posting in the Yale forum because I got little response to my exact post in the "college essay" forum :(. I was hoping that some one of esteemed stature could help me revise and comment on my application essay. I would like a strong proof reader and some one with excellent ideas that is not hesitant to tell me the truth (in a nice way of course). My topic is actually interesting I think you will enjoy it, it is the grammer, fluency, transitions, and some ideas that I need extra help with. And that is where you come in! I will PM anyone that is up for it. Please also let me know your academic resume and a little bit about yourself before we dive into this. I am sure you are all over and beyond the call of duty!</p>

<p>Thanks in Advance!!</p>

<p>PM me, I'll read it!</p>

<p>You should be very careful as to who you send your essays to. With that said if you are willing to take a risk, I'm willing to help you out. Also why aren't you applying to Yale?</p>

<p>Sure. PM me.</p>

<p>ok, PM me!</p>

<p>Hello. I don't attend Yale, but I have proofread application essays for many friends who were accepted to IVY's, and my SAT composite is 2340.
PM me - I've got lots of time to waste, and I enjoy reading and correcting others' works. :-)</p>

<p>I'll critique it. PM me.</p>

<p>You should never be so quick to send your essays out. I know the story of a guy who wrote what I thought was a very, VERY good essay for an ivy. However academically speaking, he had NO shot (Avg of 70-72%) but he did a lot of social work, was very involved and wanted to take this shot. He showed it to everyone at school.
Long story short one other student, a POP(perfect on paper) asian student with less personality than a shoe and no real ECs read it and stole it (she freely admitted this after results came in). She sent it to a different ivy and got in while the guy did not. I am CERTAIN that she would not have gotten in if it wasnt for that essay. (to give you an idea her essay ended with something like "an Ivy league, any ivy league, prepares you for the world and guarantees success. I want to be successful" - I swear to god those were her exact words).</p>