<p>^Obviously, you know her best. It was just your language around “top” and “lesser” that made me wonder. A lot of high-achieving kids are conditioned since childhood to believe that they HAVE to choose the most elite/competitive school they get into, regardless of fit. One of my son’s best friends is in exactly this situation and was miserable about going even before school started in the fall–he is already working on transfer applications to less-prestigious schools that he thinks he will like much better.</p>
<p>On another note, I am impressed that you visited 22 schools–I couldn’t have done it. What a labor of love.</p>
<p>So hard when kids are unhappy. My advice echoes that of others - have her see someone in the counseling office. They know the school, have scads of experience with issues these kids face and can give some great support. My DS is having a very rough sophomore year, but once I finally convinced him to go to counseling has found it to be very helpful. The counselor is helping him get on top of some of the issues that were troubling him and has given him very practical advice. He was considering taking a leave but is now more happily gearing up for finishing this semester well and continuing for the rest of the year. All best to you.</p>
<p>The middle of freshman year can be a tough time. </p>
<p>The initial excitement and instant superficial friendships of the first few weeks have died down, but in many instances they haven’t yet been replaced by the deeper friendships or more meaningful commitments to activities that will come later in college. </p>
<p>And at most colleges, it’s final exam time, which is highly stressful.</p>
<p>I would vote for hanging in there, although I think that seeing a counselor on campus could be helpful. The counselor may have some ideas for how your daughter could make next semester more pleasant.</p>
<p>Teachandmom gave you great advice. So many students don’t realize this about friendships. It’s exactly what I told my daughter when she went through the same sort of first semester. It made her learn how to reach out, more than she ever had to before. I got those sad, stairwell phone calls the first year, and felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster with my daughter, but it got better, mostly because she learned how to seek out people more like her. One good friend can make the difference.</p>
<p>OP I feel for you and your daughter-- this is so hard. I would actually encourage her to consider transferring, just because thinking about it will likely help her sort her feelings out. I’m guessing she’ll be fine by spring too.</p>
<p>Has she spoken to her RA? To a counselor at school? To her adviser? D went to a summer program when she was 16-- she was desperately homesick, to the point that I considered just bringing her home. I encouraged her to go speak to the head of the program – she did, weeping through the conversation. The program head said “It never gets better.” D was surprised and stopped crying. “I still miss my mother every day,” this woman (a married mother of two) said. D started laughing. From there on, it got easier every day. D’s problem was partly that she was ashamed of feeling homesick! Once she understood how ordinary it is, it was much easier to bear!</p>
<p>Could it be that she is calling you only when she is feeling down? Perhaps during the happy times she is too busy to call, and perhaps you are getting a skewed perspective of her overall mood.</p>
<p>Was she able to come home over Thanksgiving? The first holiday away from home is hard. Also, it is sometimes hard to judge the extent of someone’s sadness/ depressed mood until you see them in person. </p>
<p>Do you get the sense that she is keeping up with her work, going to class, going to rehearsals for her performance group, and maintaining other aspects of her general day to day routine? If so, she’ll probably be able to provide a clear-eyed view of whether the school is a good fit for her, or whether a move is necessary or desirable. If not, she may well be depressed and may need professional help.</p>
<p>As parents, we naturally want to jump in and fix things for our kids, but she may just be calling you for support when she is feeling sad and lonely without expecting solutions for her problems. For example, she may have no thought or intention of transferring, and she may understand that she’ll eventually make friends. That doesn’t mean she isn’t lonely now, and that she doesn’t need moral support during the weepy calls. But before going into action mode, perhaps you should try to gauge the situation when you see her over winter break and give her space to reflect without further decisional pressure. </p>
<p>Finally, I think it is only natural for there to be a bit of a letdown for kids who are admitted to and attend a top-ranked school. Achieving such an admission is presented as a brass ring throughout these kids’ lives, and they work so hard to get there. How could it possibly live up to all of the pressure and glory? The mundane day-to-day reality of going to class, adjusting to a new living situation, meeting new people that you may or may not get along with, and not having all the attention that the you may be used to as a high school star has to be, at some level, disappointing. And there’s a lot of work that isn’t all that much different from the previous work. There’s an old saying about lawyers who make partner at a big law firm – it’s like winning a pie eating contest where the prize is all the pie you can eat. There’s probably a little bit of this sort of existential angst at work with a lot of kids who are feeling let down at this time during their Freshman year at their dream school.</p>
<p>P.S. Unless there are true problems that can be plainly articulated about a particular school, I think it is unhealthy to bring up the notion of transferring too soon or too often. Such thinking can lead to the quest of some mythical ideal that can never be achieved, and might well result in a constant stream of disappointments. It’s like Internet dating, where the elusive perfect match is often more enticing than the real person across from you at dinner. </p>
<p>This does not exactly relate to the OP’s situation, but all of the talk on this site about the quest for the perfect fit at the best schools often reminds me of one of my all time favorite poems, the prose poem version of L’Invitation du Voyage by Baudelaire. I just re-read it, and it reminds me so much of what so many of us are seeking / promising for our kids – a mythical place where “there are more thoughts in slower hours, where clocks strike happiness with a deeper, a more significant solemnity”; a “singular country superior to all others,” where “disorder, tumult and the unexpected are shut out.” And my favorite lines: “*t is there, is it not, that you must live, that you must bloom? Would you not there be framed within your own analogy, would you not see yourself reflected there is your own correspondence, as the mystics say?” </p>
<p>No wonder so many kids are disappointed during their first semester. It would be impossible for any place to hold up to the weight of our hopes, dreams and aspirations. (Again, OP, not sure whether this applies to your daughter or not. And I totally understand the heartbreaking pain of hearing your child’s sadness and loneliness. But this is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.).</p>
<p>Postscript: D made it through with very respectable grades and a new roommate. She’s still a bit homesick, but she’s actually looking forward to her courses and activities this spring. THANK YOU to all. Happy New Year.</p>
<p>Actually, I was thinking that Marian nailed it in her post above. College is so intense, really a 24/7 experience.</p>
<p>Many times our students don’t think about the fact that they have been there only three months or so–so it is unlikely they will have met and made their lifelong friends yet. And it’s not high school, where you see the same people in the same classes all day, every day of the week.</p>
<p>Especially since today we are all so used to instant gratification in so many aspects of our lives, and because of the way we idealize the ‘college experience’, our students hit campus with such glamorized and unrealistic expectations…and then reality bites, especially when they are all stressed out and exhausted.</p>
<p>I hated college. My parents drew a hard line on staying. I stayed all four years and hated every second of it. I graduated over 6 years ago. Sometimes I can’t believe society expects young people to suffer so greatly in situations no post-college adult would be expected to tolerate. From the second I left college (after graduation), my life was instantly better. No one treated me like that again.</p>
<p>Post Postscript: D now actually liking college, just as everyone (including myself) thought she would. She’s found friends and has embraced the experience. Thanks again to everyone for your solace and encouragement.</p>
<p>That’s a great happy-ending story. It will be good reference for other families. </p>
<p>Just a warning for students considering transfer. It can be hard to break in as a sophomore. Folks in your grade have already bonded over 1st and 2nd semester.</p>
<p>Gee Gardenia2, sorry college was such a miserable experience for you and glad your life has improved since. I loved college and grad school as well as my life since. Glad OP’s D is also now thriving where planted.</p>
This is an old post, but my daughter started college a few weeks ago and called me saying she eats alone and has no friends, which was very worrying to me. I found this forum and all your comments and advice were helpful and reassuring. Thanks parents!!