Boy, some of these posts are really judgmental.
@ohiovalley16 I wonder if your D and her SO feel the only choices are end it now, or try to make a dating exclusively LDR work? I wonder if they have considered maintaining the relationship they have, without expectations of exclusivity, & allowing each other to date others at school? It’s a tall order for some, but works well for others. Could it soften the transition, or make it more difficult? No easy answers. Wishing you and your D well!
Without assuming that this is a good thing, which it may or may not be, may I ask why not?
I always wonder why people create melodrama.
Our D13 stayed in a relationship with her HS BF until Christmas of her sophomore year. Our goal, unless we felt that safety might be an issue, was to stay emotionally neutral concerning our girls’ relationships. We have gone through several breakups (2 girls) and frankly with some we inwardly cheered, others we felt sad about. To this day we keep our opinions to ourselves concerning present and past love interests. You can’t stay emotionally neutral concerning your children when they are hurting but this is going to be the first of many times that as much as possible they must deal with it on their own. You can be a sounding board but mostly just let her work through the grief. I suppose (and this is outside of my experience) that if they don’t seem to be recovering from their sadness that help might be sought but others might have a better opinion than I.
As an aside. One thing we have discovered with our child at college is that occasionally she would text us about a problem whether it be scheduling, studying, potential grade, roommates, relationships etc. and be quite upset. We would have our conversation then she would have to leave. Now your concerned and your brain is working feverishly to figure out possible ways to solve their problems. You don’t hear from them and finally you reach them again only to find out that they had solved the problem way earlier and have been living their life happily while your at home fretting. Enjoy the coming years:)
I think it has to run its course. If anything, I would quietly applaud their maturity and remind her that if she and her SO were meant to be together it will work out in the end.
TBH I am secretly really glad my D never dated in high school. It just allowed her to have fun. Just transitioning from high school and leaving friends is emotional enough. Had she expressed an interest in going out with someone that would have been fine. But between completing the full IB program and a full list of activities, she just wanted to hang out with friends when she had time. She attended prom each year and was very active in and out of school.
I am with oldfort- my next to go to college has a very unmotivated long term boyfriend who will most certainly not be going to college. Honestly if he finishes high school at the same time as her I will be impressed.
Right now she is planning on being over it when it is time to go- but I guess we will see. I do think however that she like having a boyfriend more than she is mad in love with him.
Congrats to her for doing what is hard but best for her-- making her own choice!
@ClassicRockerDad , @Midwest67 , all I can get out of her is “Long distance doesn’t work” and “I can’t spend 4 years pining.”
Admittedly I’d like her to have as few constraints as possible on developing her new social life.
Although she swears they are both aligned on this, I hadn’t considered the scenario where one of them might have a change of heart after a while and the other might not … Yeesh. :-S
@lvvcsf that is a great heads-up, thanks … because I can totally picture myself doing that fretting from a distance, not knowing the issue may have been solved! So much to learn.
D2 is a recent college graduate moving to another city to do a four year grad school program. She has a relationship of 2.5 years that seems really serious. However, he still has 1.5 years to go on his undergrad degree, and the chances of him working in her grad school town afterwards are about nil. The chances of them staying together under these circumstances don’t seem high imo. Not impossible, others have done it, but still…
We really like him and don’t relish the thought of him being hurt in a breakup. We love our daughter and hate to think of her trying to navigate a breakup in the midst of a very vigorous academic program. They seem really good together, so I feel a little sad when I consider that they probably won’t end up together. But who knows? This might just be a bump in the road for them.
It will be interesting to see how things progress. It’s hard when your child is sad, even if you know that eventually things will work out in the end. So I can sympathize with the OP.
Well, I think if it were one of my daughters I wouldn’t say much about the relationship or the decision she’s making (either pro or con), and just follow her lead on how engaged she wants to be in the journey towards college. I don’t think every kid is happy excited about dorm shopping or new beginnings.
I think some kids are overwhelmed by the change, leaving of friends and BFs, and scared to leave, and it comes out in weird ways. I’m not saying it WILL come out in weird ways for your daughter, I’m just saying I’d carefully tuck all of my expectations away about what the start of college should be like, and just be there for your kid as she needs it.
I think she may be sad about more than just her SO, but it’s safe to express all those feelings with regards to SO, as opposed to say, you-she may be sad she’s leaving you, as well, but it’s safer just to say she misses her SO. It’s ok to be sad about leaving things behind on the way to college, too…
My daughter will be starting her sophomore year in a few months. She and her boyfriend have been together since 8th grade. Both families kept waiting for the inevitable breakup and it just didn’t happen. He’s a really great guy and they are good together. He even asked his parents to invite us to Thanksgiving dinner so we could all be like a big family. When it came time for college, they went to opposite ends of the state, he to the small school in the mountains with the fancy new computer lab, she to the huge flagship with lots of activities, big time sports and school spirit. Our home town is kind of the mid point, so they can see each other here fairly regularly. In the meantime, there’s Snapchat, Skype and every other virtual way to stay in touch. They each have a Playstation in their dorm room so they can game together. Today they are returning from a Caribbean cruise with all of the boyfriend’s relatives. I know this story isn’t typical, but if they are at all serious, going to separate schools need not mean the end of their relationship.
These high school relationship questions are tricky. The common wisdom is to break-up, but it may not always be the case. I completely agree that these relationships are challenging and that a lot of trust and commitment is necessary to make a go of it. Most will fail because the kids are young. But, at the same time, it seems incredibly artificial to end a really great relationship simply because of distance. I would hate to send my child the message that you have to end a relationship with someone you love simply because of convenience. I do think it is important for these kids to really communicate honestly about expectations and make the right decision for the particular relationship. If they do that, some will break up and others might make it. I know quite a few couples who met in high school. I’m struggling with the same issue now, and it’s not clear cut to me.
Long distance relationships much easier to maintain with technology these days compared to snail mail and regular telephone service. Lots of growth takes place in college though and unless they grow together one of the two persons usually gets tired or the relationship if other opportunities abound.
I know a lot of HS hometown couples who broke up by the end of their first year. I also know a girl from CT at my NC public whose BF goes to school in FL, and an in-state girl who for some reason still dates her BF even after he dropped out from a school on the other end of the state. There are also girls who stayed with a BF who was a year behind them and still in HS - very strange. Honestly, they should just break up if they’re going to different schools. It prevents them from fully immersing in the campus atmosphere. Just another unnecessary stressor. I know that I would have ended any HS relationship once I knew I was going to a completely different part of the country. Not worth it at all, IMO.
Good on your daughter for ending it. Allow her to grieve a little, but she will get over it once she looks at the big picture.