Help! Freshman in BS struggling...Tough Love or Pull the Plug?

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
21

I am new to CC and don’t want to speak out of place (is this just for parents? I am not a parent…) That said, I went through a very similar experience and decided to take some time off to deal with it.

I was a normal, sociable, pretty average kid coming out of high school. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do but I thought I would just figure it out in college. I can’t explain where things went wrong. By the end of the first semester I was extremely disillusioned with college life. But I kept pushing through because that’s what everyone told me to do. I didn’t want to be a “drop out”…

I stopped talking to friends and family. I just stayed in bed all day. I had zero motivation.

Eventually, it became too much and I had to come home. I never dealt with depression or anxiety before in my life, but something about school caused it.

Now, for every parent’s worst fear: I never went back. This was a little over a year ago.

But don’t worry, I am doing fantastic. In fact, I wish I had never started school in the first place. I get a lot of hate for saying that, but it’s true.

Humans need to feel like they are challenged and like they are adding value. They need a community they can relate to. I couldn’t find any of this at school. Coursework was boring, outdated, and had nothing to do with the real world. I wasn’t working on anything that helped anyone or actually provided value. I didn’t relate to the other students who just wanted to do the bare minimum to pass their classes, while drinking and partying on the weekend.

Now I am doing great. I was able to figure out a way to make over 50k a year (I’m only 22), I am extremely happy, and I am close to my family and friends.

Depression is real. It is painful. It can be beat.

College isn’t always the right choice, and there is certainly no rush to finish.

I hope this helps.

22

@KonradCoolo This is a prep school thread (i.e. high school boarding life) but thank you very much for sharing. Wishing you all the best.

23

My DD is in her 3rd year of boarding school. Nothing you wrote is resonating. I do not see this as any sort of ‘normal’ mood swing. It is not something that “all girls” go through.

If it were my daughter, I would see my role as shepherding together the infrastructure and resources of the boarding school together with my daughter with full transparency (conference calls, etc.). I would be gentle and persistent in pulling together the resources suggested in all the previous posts to give DD the attention she needs to process her situation.

This is not a one-time occurrence. While you have all of the infrastructure, now is the time to model for your daughter how to advocate for herself and how to start to pull herself out of a situation, so that next time she does not retreat, isolate, and “not bother” others; but rather values herself and reaches out for help.

I would not remove her from all of the institutional support structures that can help her cope, just to isolate her back at home. I think confronting the issues is the best way to proceed. The best place to help her work through this is where they have the support- prefects, peer listeners, dorm parents, faculty, advisor, student health- plus the experience of working with this age group with sensitivity and concern. She could be in no better place to learn skills for dealing with these feelings throughout her life. Leverage and take advantage of this special environment. Retreating and isolating is a drastic move and sends the wrong message on how to behave in the future. It gives you more day-to-day control, but also requires that you set up an infrastructure that already partially exists at BS. I would augment the BS support structure with outside therapists/psychiatrist before I would bring her home.

If for no other reason than as a life lesson on how to properly respond, I would respond transparently (no back-channel, cc, never bcc, conference calls, etc.) to the issues and get support. It may be that gentle but consistent support will help her have a better experience. And it does not have to be “life or death,” just improving her daily experience is worth the intervention.

24

We are getting real life examples here on this thread with KonradCoolo and BJKMOM. Such is very appreciated. I want to add that I work for a job that involves case management of complex clients. I see motivated young people out of college start with the company. For some, they lose their joy and I see a change within weeks. They come into a situation hoping to make friends and connect with the company. Instead, they find themselves “scrambling” and indeed isolated as work environments can become a bit cliquey. I have taken a few of those young ladies aside to work with them and for each of them, they needed the motivation to make a change, regroup and refocus. They needed someone to say “enough,” listen to your self, your stress, etc. and either get help or make a major change. For each of them, they realized it was not a good “fit” and they wanted to stop. Not every job is a good “fit” and not every boarding school is a good “fit” for major events happen to make the experience painful and intolerable. If she does stay, please have her get some professional help during the summer break–even now. Give her a chance to gain her confidence as well as to find that place within herself to gain strength. I know that sometimes, we as parents, have to pull our young adults out of situations as the young adult has lost that voice to cry for help and scream to “stop.”

25

KonradCollo, just one small correction:

Having a child opt out o college is absolutely NOT “every parent’s worst fear.”

Our worst fear is that our child will need help-- medical or financial or legal or emotional or psychological or some other help-- and we won’t be able to provide it. We worry that our kids will end up in abusive relationships or will find themselves addicted to something-- drugs or booze or gambling or something else-- and be unable to break away. We worry that we haven’t been able to give them the tools they need to live a happy, healthy successful life and to deal with the bad times when they come

Please don’t believe for a moment that your decision NOT to get a college degree was at all a disappointment for your parents. Like all of us, your parents hoped that college would be part of the preparation you needed for a successful adulthood. Yet apparently you’ve found your own path to that successful adulthood.

I imagine your parents are very proud.

26

@WorriedBSParent, you frame your concerns as,

I would say, neither. In both cases, you are proposing to make the decision for your daughter.

On this board, I notice that some parents believe they are making the decisions, while others believe their children are. (You see this clearly on the decision threads.)

As long as the finances are not a deciding factor for you, and the school she would return to is acceptable, I recommend you try not to make the decision for her. You love your daughter whether she chooses to stay or come home. Ask her what she wants to do in this situation–put her in control of her destiny.

Ask her: “Do you want to stay at Fine School? You can attend Default School next year if you’d prefer.” Don’t go into all the theoretical trade offs. Don’t try to force her to take whatever path you think is proper. If she doesn’t decide for herself, she will blame you in the future if she thinks it was a mistake.

It could be that she needs to vent to you, and for you to reassure her that she’s a strong, good student, who will do well in the future. It sounds to me as if she will do well at her current school, but also at any other school she might choose to attend.

27

The primary piece of info we have heard is that the girls are “cliquey”, so one could assume that a falling out happened with some female friends. This can be very painful when one lives with them.

I would give the advisor and counselor that info, and suggest your D look around for a new group - try some new clubs, suggest she ask advisor for ideas; maybe go after class to ask a teacher in a course she likes for ideas for a project.

Also start talking about summer plans - be it a job, travel, volunteering. After being away for the academic year, your D will also feel out of place with local friends and needs some structure for the summer. Good for self-esteem AND college apps.

28

Look, the first thing you need to do is figure out whether she has a mental health issue going on or not. If she does, then she needs to be treated for that, and I would think that any kind of major upheaval wouldn’t be the best idea (unless of course a mental health professional thinks that she needs to take a medical leave of absence from school of any sort). If she doesn’t, and she’s simply unhappy with her current situation, then you can start talking with her about options. Personally, I wouldn’t let my kid withdraw from BS in the middle of the year, even if there was a perfectly good local school option to go home to, just because my feeling is that they need to stick out a commitment that they’ve made and try to make it work. By commitment, I mean to the school year, not all 4 years. So you could certainly start talking about whether not going back in 10th grade is an option, where she would go instead, why she thinks she’d be happier there, etc. But I’d still be encouraging her to try to work through it where she is, as it sends a great message to her that she can work through some problems and succeed. I thought 2prepmom had some good ideas on things that she could try in the short term to improve things.

29

Is the counselor not a mental health professional? Are the school officials concerned? My daughter hit some pretty tough bumps in her freshman year around this time but the school mobilized the professionals around her and she got through it but it was all over and done in about 3 weeks. I think the time frame seems long and it’s time to figure out what’s going on. Are you pleased with how the school is helping or frustrated?

30

Sorry to hear that. In addition to many good pieces of advice, I would suggest you try to boost her confidence and tell her that this experience will only make her stronger. It may be nothing really serious. Kids of that age can be so fragile with minor issues but they can also easily change their minds with any trigger episode.

31

Seek professional help! My son’s advisor and dorm head blew off his unhappiness as “normal” in their eyes. The psychiatrist diagnosed him with anxiety. My son feels better just having someone validate his feelings. We are working through this with a plan I feel comfortable with right now. But trust your parental instincts. Feel free to P.M. me.

And when you’re registering her for next year, buy the tuition insurance. At my son’s school, if you don’t withdraw before June, you’re on the hook for the full $50K plus tuition. Maybe your school is different - but I would look at the options.

32

^As an aside, I always bought the tuition insurance. SPS allowed you to pay over 10 months with zero interest but one condition was you had to buy the tuition insurance. It was 2.something % of the tuition normally. Seemed prudent anyway because you never know what might happen.

Recommend again further discussions with the school’s counselor. He/She should be able to guide you on whether your daughter’s funk is purely situational or if there is something else going on that should be looked into.

33

Thank you all for your great feedback and wide range of opinions. Parenting teens is certainly not for the “faint of heart”, and I find myself second guessing every conversation and decision. We have “mobilized” the school adult support network (including counselor) and will continue to provide consistent support remotely. A school visit is certainly in the near future although I’m concerned that certain “homesickness” triggers could occur after spending a weekend with parents.

As far as I can tell, there wasn’t necessary any one trigger episode, but for a little while now she has felt lost and unconfident navigating the social aspects of school. Anxiety might occur daily walking into a dining hall and not finding a table with close friends to sit with. Or every weekend if there are no concrete social plans with a certain group of friends. I also think that this feeling of isolation is compounded with availability of social media where you are constantly bombarded with photos and posts from other students who seem like they are having a blast and already have a million inside jokes, etc. It probably feels like everyone except her has already found their “people”, and she feels like she never will. Although she has a small circle of close friends, right now it doesn’t feel big enough.

We continue onward and will keep reinforcing some of the positive actions and messages that all of you have put forth with hopes that repetition and hearing the same encouragement from multiple trusted adults will help turn the tide slowly.

34

I totally agree with @leafyseadragon. Have her visit a doctor, if possible one who is known for excellent bed side manner meaning compassionate. Also one idea that worked in my son’s case (he left our small town and traveled 700 miles away to a boarding school we only heard about when they recruited him). At one point as he struggled with cliques and competition I connected with his dorm advisor.there are perfects one dorm floors (the upper class students who are responsible for younger students in their wing). The adult dorm advisor conversed with his prefect…don’t have any idea what was said but my son was contacted by his prefect who took extra time getting to know him. He encouraged my son to try new things as HE the prefect had done when he was in the situation. It’s very common at a new school. In trying new activities my son was able to see beyond the cliques that rejected him. At the timr never knew how difficult his freshman year had been (other than disappointing grades)…
Happy ending…my son who will graduate in May went on to find new friends…locals who are day students and girls from the counterpart all girls school are some of his best. (He’s at an all boys school)…he found a niche behind the scenes on theater and is standout in model u.n. before finding this niche he took the scary first step of trying new things…ultimate Frisbee was a bust…debate didn’t excite him but he tried. After the encouragement I suspect he got from others I mentioned, he wasn’t afraid to try new things…and meet new people. He got out of his dorm room and quit the nights of playing video games alone…
I am so very proud of how he stuck it out and took a chance before he gave up.
Mostly because his confidence is back where it used to be and I know he is immeasurably proud of his own resilience. he had to find new people to hang out with. He feels confident now and just recently gave a relevant senior speech to his school. I can send it to you on audio if you like. You and your daughter may find it interesting to hear of his experience s…it is from hearing this speech that I learned about his struggles in depth.it really is inspiring!
He now as a senior is a prefect for underclassmen. He is mature kind and happy he stayed…if you like the audio and your daughter isn’t too embarrassed to communicate with an 18 year old guy who’s been there maybe they could email . sometimes it’s easier to be open with someone you know you’ll never meet.
Best of luck and personal message me if I can help

35

Hey. I’m not a parent but I thought I would share my experience, because I have had a pretty tumultuous freshman year that I think is similar to OP’s daughter at a public school.

I was pretty much “the new kid” and everyone had their social circles already. I’ve had the same awesome friends for years and years so flexing my friend-making muscles was difficult. At the beginning of the school year, I knew it was normal that I was out of the loop, but as the year progressed, it scared me that I didn’t have friends in my life who knew me, really knew me. And who I really, truly knew. I would come home crying (not literally, most of the time) about how I had no friends and how sad and lonely I was. One day after a pretty bad night I went to school and the fact that there were people who cared about me there seemed to just fly into my face. It was so heartening. I honestly think it was just a massive bout of insecurity. For me, it was mostly the teenager-ness. From the ages of five to thirteen, I swear I cried three times in total. I think I’ve cried maybe six times in the past year. I’m not insane. I think I’m happier and more cheerful than most. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

The point I’m trying to make is that, while a mental illness might be a cause, it is probably something normal that she will get through. Don’t pull the plug on boarding school.

36

@WorriedBSParent What happened?

My son was happy during most of his freshman year, but struggled going back at Spring Break. It was a complete shock to us because we talked to him about 5 times a week and always seemed happy. Just before spring break, he made a JV team (rather than freshman team) and the stress of practice every afternoon really wore him down. We all agreed that since we had missed the local school deadlines (and he was happy most of the year) that he should go back to BS in the fall. He understood the reasoning and didn’t put up much of a fuss. Then, he seemed to bounce back when the sport ended. He finished the year with high honors.

When he was unhappy last April, we told him that during the summer he could take the ISEE and interview at a few local schools for his junior year.

A few weeks ago, he broke down and told me he doesn’t want to go back to BS. He seems to be rewriting history to say he wasn’t happy all year. (I know he was happy in the fall because he wanted to add the three week summer trip to the end of the year–we told him he could try that his sophomore year). Also, all year he would talk about the classes he was going to take his junior and senior years.

We live 1,500 miles away from his school, but managed to see him at least once per month. He has other relatives within two hours, so they also visited a few times during the year.

His local school friends don’t do sports and barely seem to do homework. Some are lazy and don’t care about their grades, while his best friend is attending a school that’s too easy for him so he doesn’t have much homework and gets straight As. My son says he just wants to stay home and hang out with his buddies. He would most likely attend the same local school as his buddies which can be challenging, but it’s reputation is more of a rich kid party school.

I’m dreading our flight Friday night. Move-in day is Saturday. My husband is much stronger than I am, but he’s staying home with our younger son.

Just wondering how your daughter did over the summer and how she feels about returning to BS…if she’s returning to BS.

37

@LTLurker just PMed you. Let’s chat.

38

@LTLurker - hang in there. Your son’s rationale sounds more like the basic tenderness and homesick twinges of any returning boarding schooler. I would recommend being gently, but resolute. Only you can be the judge of course, but I’d be willing to bet that later on in life, he’ll always think he failed at something (where he actually wasn’t failing at all) and have reinforced in his psyche that it’s ok to quit at a sign of discomfort. Also, to see a high performer come back to a group of buddies where farting around is the norm seems like a terrible waste.